distractions

     Friday night I cooked a large meal because Jason was coming home to have supper with me. I knew that this was likely not to happen. He rarely makes it home, even when he has assured me he will be here. While the chicken was in the oven I set an alarm and laid down for a quick nap. As I was drifting off to sleep I was thankful that I was born with a cheerful disposition. I have been able to survive in this world with very few scars. Suddenly,and without me asking for such a sight, a vision of a skinless body appeared in my head. It was similar to the type in science textbooks, only more flesh and blood. The body was covered with silvery white scars, covered. The sight shocked me awake. There would be no nap.
     We were planning to eat at eight. Hour by hour the time was pushed back until Jason was going to be here late and only stay for ten minutes or so. Several people had called me through the day and invited me out that night. The thought of sitting at home waiting for him to drop by seemed an act of desperation, so I called him and told him I was going out and we could make it another night.
    While I was calling around to get a group together Lane came home. He asked me if I was okay. Not just with tonight but with everything.  I assured him I was, and truly believed it. I have always been good at compartmentalizing emotions so they can be dealt with at more convenient times. Having made plans for the night I called Sofia to invite her. Of course she was concerned that Jason did not come home. She asked me the wrong/right question. "Don't you want to grab him and....and... do something?" "Of course," I replied. "I want to grab him and bring him home and make him be my baby again." She understood immediately. "Wrap him in a blanket and hold him all day." She added. Tears were streaming down my face. My red, wet eyes made putting eyeliner on difficult. This uncontrollable balling was going to make going out difficult. I told her the truth. "You are no fun; I can't talk to you right now."  My weekend was then filled with distractions; drinking, dancing, eating, and very little sleep.

A supper date

I had a texting conversation with Jason today. Sadly I probably would not have texted him except for that his father called me at work today. He was concerned since he had not talked to Jason since Sunday. I too had not talked to my son since Sunday, but not being a worrier I had not felt any concern about the time-span. I sent a text instructing Jason to answer me so I could set his father's mind at ease, which I knew was full of death, jail, and hospitalization scenes. Jason responded quickly, and with good humor, to remind me he was both busy and an adult. We sent a few amusing texts back and forth which ended in him suggesting we get together soon. We have agreed on supper at my house on Friday. I really hope he comes. His brother Lane spent time with him last weekend and reports that he is looking healthier. I want to see this with my own eyes. I would not trade my offspring for anybody on this earth. Even during the trying times they are three of the most interesting, entertaining people on earth.

Beautiful Boy

It has been almost a year since I have wrote a new post. Part of the problem has been Facebook. It is easier to share a quick meme, or write a funny quip than to search my soul for something to say here. The interaction, although more immediate, is superficial. It is the McBlog of the Internet. The other part of the problem is that my life doesn't change much. I looked at the date on my last post and wondered what is different today. I am only a few months away from forty now, but those numbers never have meant much to me. The only time I cringe is when a I meet interesting twenty something men and know I am going to have to say the number eventually. The actual saying of it never means much to either of us in the end.

Waking up this morning my thoughts went immediately to the vegetable bars on my table. I had eaten two of them before going to bed at 3:30 this morning and I wanted another one. I have become addicted to them. After eating a couple I started to search out my copy of Jane Eyre. While searching shelves and piles of books I kept coming across other books I wanted to read. I found a book I picked up cheap at at used book store called "Beautiful Boy a father's journey through his son's addiction" I don't remember my motivation for buying it, but now it seems relevant to my life. I carry it over to the table beside my bed which serves as a holding space for books I'm going to read. With my original goal ending in despair I lay down to start this book. It is a bad idea because I am nowhere near finished with my book club book and our meeting is next week. Right away my tears start rolling down the sides of my face while I read. The father describes his son and the physical changes he notices. That is the hardest part, looking at your son so full of potential, seeing his thin face while your mind automatically overlays it with the full, youthful face of a year ago. I put the book down soon after I start. The similarities in our stories end quickly. I am jealous of the active role these parents play in their adult son's addiction. They have curfews and drug tests, confrontations about whether he has started using again. Our story is a rural Midwestern story. My son dropped out of school, lives with roommates living the same lifestyle as he is. There is no denial, no missed AA meetings, and my role is to pray every night that my son will not end up in prison or dead. These are not the sort of thoughts I can post on Facebook.

Hemmingway

I have been reading about Hemminway, again. As a liberal woman with a distaste for overly masculine, domineering men I spend more time defending him than I should. The thing about Hemmingstein is that he is complex. I wonder if we are all this complex or are most of us simple beings? Would I have thought him complex if I had known him, or is it being able to look at his life as a whole that makes his conflicting thoughts and actions stand out. I do know that I would not have been one of the women who fell for him. I have problem with authority too. He would have soon referred to me as 'that bitch'.

shopping

Okay, so after thinking about it for several years I am finally shopping for a sex toy. Tonight I am starting the research process. After just five minutes I realize there is so much I don't know. A vulva pump, who would have thought those existed? ...Most of these pages have a like on facebook option at the bottom. What would my kids, or their teachers, think of that. ...$175 for a wand? I don't even think Olivander's would have charged that much. ...   Dual function, as a multitasker I like the sound of that. ...Oh boy a video on usage. I haven't watched porn in 20 years, not sure I'm up to it. ...

changes

Jason moved out on Sunday and is officially in college. Last night the girls left to visit their mom. The house was so quiet I couldn't sleep. I have secretly always thought I might enjoy an empty nest, thank God I am not there yet, but now I know it will take a lot of getting used to. Lane is gone tonight so I am here all alone. Fria Chica and my mom came over and drank a bottle of pomagranate wine with me. It was delicous.

I have been single for over a year now, and I have to say it has been a great year. Dh has made it clear he would like to reconcile and move back in, but I don't think I could take it. Life is so peaceful without him. Also he would frown on me continuing to take lovers. I am between right now. It seems like men want either too much or too little, so it is easy to move on to the next one. I am becoming a right slut.

life

My list of projects that need completed just keeps growing. Jason stepped through the bathroom floor, that need fixed. Ramona and Beezus need their room painted. The front door frame needs fixed. My cob hot tub is getting so close to being finished, I am starting to imagine it will work. Throw the house cleaning, gardening, and cob house building on to the list and I feel like I am moving backwards. No I am moving backwards. The list just keeps growing.

On a more interesting note I have noticed something odd. I only seem to date men who are inappropriate for a long term relationship. I think it must be a defense mechanism. Not that I am dating much, it seems that men I find interesting don't come along often. The comedian I spent a couple of days with in March lives too far away. The boy who I have been spending time with for the last two weeks is 14 years younger than me. I think someday I will be ready for a relationship and start dating more appropriate men, but until then I am going to just enjoy life as it comes.

Baking bread

I posted these without any words because I wasn't feeling talkative that day. The top picture is of bread inside my cob oven, which I love. The second is of a finished loaf and the rhubarb-strawberry jam I also made that day. I will add a funny story about the rhubarb in a minute. First I want to talk about making bread. Years ago I received a bread machine for Christmas. I loved it. The only problem I had with it was that I could only make one loaf at a time, not being Jesus, one loaf was never enough. The next December my bread machine quit. I talked to a friend and hers had lasted only one year also. My mom had one she never used so I went and borrowed it on a long term plan. In one year it also quit. I know people who have had better luck, but for me they only last one year. I could not stand the thought of filling up the landfill by buying a new one every year so I went without for a few weeks. Then I found an amazing book at a library book sale for $.10. It was called Bake Your Own Bread And Be Healthier. Since day one I have enjoyed bread making so much more manually then I ever did with a machine. With the machine the end product was the important part. With my hands the best parts are the feel of the dough, the connection to women who have been kneading bread for centuries, and making several loaves at once. Bread has become more than just a food I love, it is a lifelong endeavor.

Now the rhubarb. For a couple of years now an older man has been coming into the office to talk every week or so. In the summer he brings me rhubarb and other vegetable from his garden. He sustained injuries during WW2 that make his speech slow and slurred, but if you listen he is easy to understand. A few days before this picture was taken he came in and laid a bag of rhubarb on the counter. I thanked him and we talked for a few more minutes. I needed to get back to work so I picked up the bag and thanked him again. He then said, "can I have a kiss for that?" I turned my head towards him, and I'm sure I looked puzzled, and asked, "What?" He replied, "Can I have a hug for that?" I thought what the hell and leaned in for a shoulder touching embrace. He put his hand on the small of my back and pulled me to him. The old guy was stronger than he looked so it took quite a bit of struggling to get away from him. He seemed to enjoy the struggling. I ran back into my office area, looked at my coworker, and announced, "I think the price of rhubarb has went up."

spring

I have been enjoying the hell out of spring. We are already eating green onions and asparagus out of the garden. Yesterday I baked bread in the cob oven and made strawberry-rhubarb jam to go with it. I have been truly experiencing domestic bliss. While watching t.v. with a couple of friends, it was my first experience with Desperate Housewives, a character mentioned how hard divorce was. I must be the exception because this has been a great year for me. I feel goofy some days about how cheerful I am.

cruise

Last week I was a sponsor on Jason's senior trip. We flew to Charleston S.C. and boarded a Carnival cruise ship bound for the Bahamas. It was a great time. I have always scorned cruises as a vacation. They are the for the type of vacationers who spend most of their time around the resort pool and eat at American food chains avoiding local food. After having been on a cruise I have to say I was right, but that did not make it any less fun. Yes I came home with only the vague idea that I had been to the Bahamas, but I also brought some great stories about the fun we had. The staff was unbelievable accommodating. One of the fly on entertainers was even nice enough to give me a foot-rub while we talked. Being on a ship with 2000 other guests did make me notice how introverted I still am. Discounting the people I talked to because Cole, a special needs student who was with us, is the opposite of me and wanted to meet everybody I only had conversations with around 10 people.When I travel I have to take extroverted people with me otherwise I may just alternate between staring at the horizon, reading, and eating. One nice point was that I had several long conversations with Cole's mother. We have been friends for years, but rarely sit and talk.

I. need. sleep.

Monday night was a overlong school board meeting; we are dealing with major budget cuts, which means some positions may have to go. That is not the subject of this post though, that is just to set up why I am so damn tired and cranky. After working the next day I drove 45 miles to watch Jason and Lane play basketball, picked up groceries and pizza and drove home. It was 11:00 and I was ready for bed. A friend was at my house waiting for me. Her and her husband had been in a fight. I wanted her to stay with me, but she knew this was the first place her husband would look. I drove her 17 miles, that is the closest hotel, and bought her a room. I climbed into bed at 1:30 in the morning. At 5:30 her husband called. At 6:30 my alarm went off, I didn't have to work today but Jason wanted woke up early. He didn't get up. At 7:00 my alarm went off again. I tried to rouse the troupe, I hit snooze just in case. Ten minutes later half of them were up. At 7:35 I was screaming "Get out of your fucking beds and go to school." I drove everybody but Jason to school.
It turns out Jason was actually feeling terrible and needed to see a doctor. He has bronchitis. I picked my friend up while we out and drove her to her house. I am not sure if she is gathering her stuff to move back to Miami or if she has decided to stay. After dropping her off I came home for a shower, cup of tea, and time to watch the newest Daily Show and Cobert Report. I need to get dressed and walk over to check on her. Jason has an awards banquet tonight so I will drive 45 minutes there, but the food is supposed to be great, I doubt they serve wine, which is what I want.

Happiness

Last night I decided to start a book I have been planning to read for years, A Tale Of Two Cities.
I did not make it very far, Mr Lorry had not yet made it off the mail coach before I fell asleep. I woke this morning and resumed reading over a cup of Earl Grey and toast with jam. There is a lot to say for the restorative powers of literature. I climbed out of bed turned on a alt music station and was overcome with a desire to dance. Dance I did. I am here in my house with my children and happy. What more can girl ask for? Oh, as a bonus I have won $4 dollars on a powerball ticket. I rarely buy lottery tickets, on an impulse yesterday I picked one up, and am officially a winner.

Two weeks seems to be the amount of time it takes me to get over a man. It doesn't matter if it is a husband of many years of a boyfriend of a few months, two weeks will do it every time.
I broke up with the Cuban last Monday. Today I woke up early did some reading, and had tea with a bagel before I took stock of myself at the one week point. I am right on track. My first weekend single again was nice. It was beautiful outside. I replaced some weak boards on my porch, I burned tumble weeds, read my book for book club. The whole thing left me feeling energized and alert. On a short walk yesterday evening I ran into him. We had a pleasant conversation, you know the whole' como estas?' and  'como es Anna?'*. No riveting conversation and afterwards I had no regrets.
It was an amicable break-up. I knew going in to the relationship we were at different points in our life. I would have felt guilty beginning something I was sure was going to end if I had thought he truly loved me, but I suspected a love that started that fast would cool off quickly too. It ended before it cooled enough to cause fights and pain. In fact the only problem with the whole thing is that after having him around for three months, and I mean constantly around, I became used to him being here. I am a bit addicted to him.The first three days were rough, but I am getting better every day.
We never were in love. What we had was great chemistry. As a matter of fact after this two week period I am going to give serious thought to presenting the friends with benefits package.

*My neighbor and great friend Anna has been diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. We are starting some serious wine therapy.

Books in 2011

• Selpuchre
• The Big Over Easy
• The Glass Castle
• The Art Of Racing In The Rain
• One Of Our Thursdays is Missing
• The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo
• Light A Penny Candle
• *Winter Solstice
• The Unexpected Mrs. Polliflax
• Tender Is The Night
• What Is The What
• The Blind Assasin
• Fool's Puzzle
• The Lord Of The Flies
• Lost In Translation
• Of Mice and Men
• To Kill A Mockingbird
• The Boy Who Loved Ann Frank
• Number The Stars
• Spoken From The Heart
• The Stormy Night
• Sarah's Key
• Fool
• Flowers In The Rain
• The Secret Life Of Bees
• *The Secret Garden
• *Me Talk Pretty Some Day
• The Shack
• *Dreams from my father
• September

* Re-reads

These are the 30 books I read in 2011. Not a big reading year for me. I started well, but life kept getting in the way.

Blessings

Well I never did really commit to Nanowrimo this year, so while I did do a bit of playing around with it I came nowhere near finishing, or starting for that matter.

People who spend time with me may be shocked to find out how strong my faith is. That is because my faith is personal not something I go on about; I certainly don't need the President to help me thank God, that is my job. Today I have been reflecting back on my life and how blessed I am. Through out my lifetime there has always been an abundance of happiness. I was about to write sunshine, but I deleted the word, not because it is an overused cliche. I deleted it because the picture of a lovely rainy day flashed through my mind and made me smile. Rainy days make me smile, as do sunny days. I really love a thick foggy day, or a great snow storm. Oops I am off topic again.  When I look back on my life I realize how lucky I am to have been give three of the best children in existence. Then two beautiful girls, who make me laugh, have come into my life. My family, while slightly insane, is a close knit group. I have always been able to provide for my children, and whenever I need help it appears. I do feel like God has been constantly blessing me, even when I forget to be thankful. It is hard to believe that there can be any more blessings in store for me, surely I am getting close to my quota, but then just when I needed it there is more. After having been in a loveless relationship for many years a man has been sent my way who makes me feel completely adored. Now we are all adults here and know that these kinds of things don't always last forever, but for now when I need it, it is a blessing.

A day off, just what I needed

When I am at work and it is warm and sunny outside I wish I could be at home in my yard. On cold days I wish I could be at home in a sweater with a cup of tea in my hands. Today I have one of my wishes. It is the first cold day we have had this fall and I have a day  off. My list of things to get done today keeps growing, but first I am enjoying a warm cup of chai tea and browsing a few places online.
November is coming fast and until this morning I wasn't sure if I was going to try Nano again this year. My life has been busier than usual this year and I wasn't sure if I wanted to try and fail. This morning a zombie story I have been lugging around in my head for three years came to the forefront and asked to be wrote. Well, I never have been good at saying no, so here we go.
Today though is a costume making day. One Red Heart Queen coming up.

life at home

The Cuban is trying to walk too quickly into my personal space. Undying love is great two or three nights a week, but I am by nature a solitary person. I spent all day yesterday hanging out with my boys. Lee is home for the weekend and it was nice to just sit around and do nothing. This morning I started reading The Glass Castle. It is a good book, well written, but it is hitting close to home. I am still not sure if that makes it better or worse.
 Walls is thirteen years older than me so we were living nomadic lives in some of the same places more than a decade apart.  We both had alcoholic fathers that made running from trouble, debt, or police a habit. This habit transforms a childhood, making it both exciting a wearisome. I could not help but feel a little jealous. My parents did not have the imagination, and/or concern, to make this lifestyle more adventurous. We children were often squished in the back seat in the middle of the night, but no reason such as running from the gestapo was ever given to us. We were not doing a skedaddle, we were just moving again. We picked up details from conversations we were not supposed to hear to explain the sudden flight. The individual personalities and details of the book were different, but the overall experience in the book was similar to my childhood. While I felt jealous about the start of the book I did have the advantage of having a much better state of squalor to live in when the nomadic lifestyle came to an end. My mother did snap out of her denial, get a job, and try to make a life for her children. 
It is a good book, but I am not sure how much I want to discuss it with my book club.

I just realized how bad it is, I haven't read a book in over a week, almost two. Hopefully this will blow over soon and I can get something done. Now I must go sleep.

My Kryptonite is a lovely Cuban

When DH and I split I decided I would start dating, because at 38 I don't have many years to waste, but that I would not enter into any serious relationships for 3 years. I still think that is the best idea. However, I am addicted to an earnest Cuban. Today I practiced my lecture to him, in Spanish, to tell him that this was not long term. I explained that we are at two different places in our lives. He is in a spot where he is looking forward to settling down and having babies. I could easily become a grandmother in the next five years. I think I told him, it is hard to know exactly what I said, that we could be happy now, but when he found a woman that also wanted what he wanted he should go with her.  Now remember I have just had three conversations with this man, yet he expressed his undying love for me in Spanish, in English, in Spanish again. This should be enough to scare me off, but I can't stay away.

Cuban date

Last Wednesday I was asked out on a date. Since he is from Cuba and speaks no English and I speak very little Spanish it went something like this. Comida? Si. Cuando? Sabado. Tiempe? Siete. The date itself went much better than that. I spent as much time as I could in the interim refreshing my Spanish, it paid off because we were able to converse; we used a lot of hand signs. After dinner I went with him to visit some friends. It was one of the most interesting nights of my life. It was a quick immersion into a Cuban Saturday night. At five-thirty in the morning I took a shower, climbed into bed and wondered how I had stumbled into this fascinating world.

A random update

I did finally get all of my water leaks fixed. Six leaks happened in one week, fixed them all once, but two of them twice. It was a learning experience that I feel pretty damn good about now.

Being divorced still feels pretty damn good too. Financially I am in a bit of a pickle but I expected that. Besides I do believe in the saying if all of your problems are money problems you don't have problems, unless you are uninsured in the U.S. then your money problems could make living a problem.  

Who am I?

Sometimes I don't even know who I am. When I do things completely out of character there is a voice yelling don't do that, yet sometimes I still do. Usually in that case I end up looking like an ass. When will I ever learn to listen to my own instincts?

plumbing sucks, but not too much

I am in the middle of facing my biggest fear when it comes to not having a husband--Plumbing. I am the proud owner of an older double wide; not excellent but it, along with the two lots, is paid off.  The problem is the polybutylene tubes used for plumbing. If I ever run into the guys who invented this shit I am going to kick them square in the nuts. It turns brittle and breaks easily over time. This means too many water leaks for me to pay a plumber to fix. The plan is to get it all replaced, but that is not near done yet. 


I do not usually care for gender roles in a marriage, but I have been quiet about this one. DH, like most men, felt that plumbing fell under his job description. Several times over the years I have quietly wondered why I did not have to crawl under the house and work on my back while laying in mud. Never did I utter this kind of question. I did not want to do it. Now though there is no one else. two months into my single life and we have four leaks. Jason did one while I was at work, but now school has started and it really should be my job. Surprisingly I don't mind it as much as I thought I would, of course it is still warm outside. The frustrating part is not having the right parts.


On my lunch hour I picked up what I thought I needed. After work I drank a cup of tea and then cheerfully went out to work on the house. I had not realized that the tubing had switched from 1/2 to 3/8 so I had picked up the wrong adapters.I live 17 miles from a hardware store and it is not open in the evenings.  This is when rural living is not convenient.  I did as much as I could, but we are still without water. Hopefully I will finish tomorrow.

Bliss

     My household income has been cut by 55% while the population has only been decreased by 14.29%. This should make me nervous, but instead I have found myself blissfully happy. My lifestyle hasn't changed too much since dh moved out; for the most part I do the same things on a daily basis that I always have. I just get to do them with so much less stress.
    Dh has been asking me out on dates and expressing his unending love for me lately.  I have been trying to respond politely while walking a line between not hurting his feelings and not leading him on with false expectations.  The truth is that after being called a liar, a bitch, and a whore for 19 years it is nice to be called nothing. Earlier this year our book club read the book Sarah's Key. While reading the book I noticed that one of the character's talked to his wife much like dh talked to me. During the discussion somebody called his behavior emotional abuse. As everyone agreed I felt my breath draining from me. I had never thought of myself as a victim of abuse, and did not like the thought of being one. Even now my brain insists that I was not. Sure he was abusive but I lived above it. I did not let it affect me. Except that I am not as friendly to men as I used to be, to make things smoother, and I don't warmly invite people over as much as I once did, for fear of a scene, but I am not timid. After the book club I was talking to Fria Chica, who also attends, she brought up the subject and said that when somebody mentioned the character's abusive behavior she thought "poor Lynn" for she too had related that character with dh.  Unlike in the book though my husband is not a handsome, accomplished lover, so I didn't even have the benefits.
     My kids are all out for the evening. I have been reading a light biography of Elizabeth II, dancing with myself, writing, and drinking tea. It has been lovely so far, and who knows what will happen next?

Where to start

I do not think it has been obvious, but my marriage has not been a happy one for years. My life has been happy. I am usually in a good mood, and enjoy myself, but my marriage is usually only adequate and/or miserable depending on the day. Instead of using to dh to mean dear husband or damn husband, as per current internet usage, I have I always used it to mean dickhead. An example of one of the many problems is that right now I keep looking over my shoulder to make sure he is not coming through the door. I have never been allowed any privacy. If I kept a paper journal he found it and read it, same with e-mail. Any information gleaned was later used against me in an argument. If I am not home he calls all of my relatives until he finds me. He ran through the caller id in the evening and asked me what every number wanted when they called. This is not horrible behavior, but I could not stand it. Being the type of person who needs some personal space this felt suffocating. He was steadily growing ruder which meant the number of friends and relatives who would spend time at my house was dwindling. Despite all of this I was shocked when moved out last week. It felt like a slap in the face after all the crap I had put up with for years.
Now  a week later I am still jumpy, but I am starting to get used to the freedom again. Today somebody suggested that this my be temporary, that we may get back together. No I am sure that is not going to happen; this feels too good. I had wanted to stay married for three more years. Lane and Jason will both have graduated by then and I wanted to be able to provide for them financially as much as they were used to. That is probably what hurt the most. I had expected to have more control over the time frame of the divorce. It is too early to say for sure, but I think this is for the best.

Summer

Summer is here. For me that means less time spent inside, except for at work when I spend all day in an office that feels like a cave. I have planted tomatoes, peppers, strawberries and herbs, not a big garden, but it is enough for now. I have been working on the cob house I am building. To be honest, at this point it is a cob room. I am plastering the inside. There is something peaceful about smoothing mud onto a wall. Solitary bees have been making nests inside the wall. I haven't it made it to that area yet, so for now we are not disturbing each other. They make a beautiful buzzing noise that fills the room while I work.

The one where I place too much importance on myself

The irritation on President Obama's face was easy to read as he displayed his birth certificate. It was easy to assume I knew the depth of his feeling, I too thought we as a nation had better discussions to spend our time on. Sunday night as I was driving my son, Lee, to the train station I heard the news about Bin Laden. As it became clear that he had been watching this closely for a week I knew his frustration level with the birthers was both deeper than his face had showed and was completely justified. He really did have better things to do.

At this point I am going to compare my small problems with those of the U.S. President. Bear with me. During my April board meeting we discussed teacher evaluations. It became clear that a man who I feel to be a great teacher was about to lose his job and their was not a damn thing I could do to stop it. Another teacher, who is not the best teacher, was also going to be asked to leave, not unusual, except that we all knew he was also going through a serious personal issue that his job loss would compound. We also discussed several minor issues such as the buying a new vehicle and alleged drinking on the senior trip.
Our meeting lasted until 1:30 in the morning. Afterward I showered and lay in bed thinking about the families of the two men we had discussed. This is a small community. Everybody knows everybody and their families. The great teacher and his wife are friends of ours. We have talked over supper, laughed over drinks, shared clothes, parenting tips, and inside jokes. His children would have to change schools. The community was going to lose a good worker and organizer when his wife moved. I really felt that as a board we were making a big mistake for the community and an even bigger one for the school. Great teachers are hard to find.

When I woke at 6:30 I had gotten little sleep. No one would know about the teachers for a while. All day at work I carried around my worries. At home I looked at the clock and decided I had time for a short nap. I curled up on the sofa by Beezus and closed my eyes. Twenty minutes later the phone rang. It was a friend, who also happens to be a teacher, she disagreed with our decision on the senior trip. I tried to stay calm. The conversation was heated, at one point I mentioned that we had more important things to worry about. After the phone call I was irritated, angry, and more than a little hurt. Being exhausted amplified these feeling. The phone rang. It was Drama Queen. She started yelling curse words at me. Apparently I am not raising her children up to her standards. I was also allowing them to have visits with their father, which he has legal rights to, and she was angry. Usually I just stay calm when she is like this and wait for her too calm down too. This night I yelled into the phone "I am not in the fucking mood" and hung up. She called back apologized then started screaming again. I hung up. She sent several texts which I ignored. She called again. Jason answered I could hear his quiet voice talking to her,saying that I was not coming to the phone. I was laying with Lane on his bed. My children are used to me being on an even keel, not laying on a bed crying. Jason came back to the room and both boys lay with me while I cried. I have great children.

Later I went to the local office to do a bit of work.  I had decided that there seemed to be a split between what the school board should be focused on and what everybody else wanted us to focus on. My time on the board is donated, my sleepless nights ate given with little reward. I was willing to donate this time for the sake of the school, however, I was not willing to give up this time for stupid arguments that mostly stemmed from previous arguments and hurt feelings.  I wrote my resignation letter and sent it out to the board and administration.

I was concerned that when the emotions cleared I would regret leaving the board. A week later I felt pretty good about my decision. There had been a flood of positive responses to my letter asking me to reconsider. I had talked to two of the administration members, who I have respect for, and agreed to give my resignation more thought. After two weeks of thought, and several more conversations, with that same friend I had fought with, I still felt happy with my decision. The friend had called me when the great teacher put in his resignation. She apologized, she knew then what I had alluded too, and agreed that this was a much bigger problem.  I was happy to be off of the board and have this weight lifted from me.

Then one evening dh came home and mentioned the two men who were vying for my position. Not two men really, but two douche bags. A phrase I mean in the strongest possible way. My mind played forward what meetings would be like with either of these two in attendance. I thought of the what this would mean for the teachers, it would not be good, and the students. I rescinded my resignation. In two years when my term is up I will rethink my position again. If either of these two are to be on the board they will be there because they were elected, not because I handed it to them.

All of this to say that our president has important decisions to make. Could we please insist that the media educate us on these things? Could we talk about our future as a nation and not every stupid thing that some idiot throws out as a talking point?

American Workers Vs Multi-Billionaires

I will beat you creme brulee, someday.

Creme brulee is kicking my ass. Of course I have promised to present said dessert at 12:50. The recipe calls for cooling before it is served, and my ramekins are still in the oven. Having nudged the heat slightly I still have hopes for something edible. After all, they have never had creme brulee, maybe they won't notice. I will them they misunderstood, brulee means soup. The tiramisu looks good. The extra one I made for breakfast tasted good also. Let them eat cake.

A childhood friend found me on facebook. That simple thing has made me ridiculously happy. I had not realized how much I missed my friends until they started finding me. Life is great, so is social networking, just when I need friends they start showing up.

Books, year in review

• *A Study In Scarlet
• *Living Dead In Dallas
• *A Long Way Gone
• *A Thousand Splendid Suns
• *Mort
• *Have His Carcass
• *The Woman He Loved
• *The Duchess of Windsor
• *The Help
• *The Atonement Child
• *Across the River and Into the Trees
• *Dead Until Dark
• *Islands in the Stream
• *The Nine Tailors
• *In The Presence of My Enemies
• *The Documents In The Case
• *Look Again
• *Persuasion
• *The Survivors Club
• *The Empty House
• *Shades of Grey
• *The Joy Luck Club
• *Summer Island
• *Hangover square
• *Dreams from my father
• *Brighton Rock
• *Nineteen Minutes
• *Wicked
• *Infidel
• *Come, Tell Me How You Live
• *Hour of Gold,Hour of Lead:Diaries of Anne Morrow Lindbergh
• *Ursula Under
• *Slam
• *Spud

These are the books I read in 2010. It was not a productive year in the reading category.  The only one I did not care for was The Atonement Child. The first half was good, but it went to shit after that. I would recommend Hangover Square to anyone, good book.

My life

Most days I look at this empty screen and think 'I have nothing to say' So I say nothing. Today, I have nothing to say, so I thought I would just catch up on what have I been doing. Beezus and Ramona have moved back in with me, and Lee is here for Christmas break. That makes me happy. What else? Working mostly, having lived for several years as a stay-at-home mom I have perspective on both sides and I can say that working sucks. It has its good points, like a paycheck and health insurance. It was always scary to take a child to the doctor and wonder if this was going to be your whole food budget for the week, and I most certainly never wanted to go the doctor myself. That would be a total waste of money. Adult interaction is another good point. I enjoy my job, and feel I am good at it, but it still sucks to wake to the sound of an alarm, drive, spend eight hours working for everybody else, then be too tired to work towards my own dreams in the evening. It is not that I am always too tired. That energy that I do have is spent on my children. It has become apparent to me lately that I do not have much time left with them at home, so spending time with them has become a real priority, whether they like it or not. What are these dreams, or projects, that I am pushing back?

I want to build my house. The picture of it is stored in my head and I walk through it at nights. It is beautiful. I want to write a few books. There are stories in my mind that I would like to commit to paper, before paper is archaic. I would like to be a more healthy me. I have plans that include more yoga and belly dancing, I am trying to fit those in to my schedule. I have trouble sticking to schedules. Creating an actual prolific garden would be nice, I play at in now, but it does not produce much. These are all things I am trying to fit into my life. Hopefully I will do a better job of it than I did last year.

What did I do last year. I joined a book club that I have enjoyed. I sent my first child off to college. I remember the day I sat at a red light in Lawrence and it hit me that I had done it. The day Lee was born I pledged to give him a stable childhood. One where he would start preschool and graduate in the same place. One where college was not some foreign world where he would feel he did not belong, but a place he was planning on going some day. Financially I wanted to be able to help him get started. That moment at the stop light, the same day I had cosigned his lease, and enrolled him in school, was a moment of sheer giddiness. I have been through a roller coaster with my sister. We have not agreed on rehab for her or where the girls should live. I am not saying the ride is over, but we are in a nice steady spot right now. Lane and Jason are becoming young men and most days I am proud of them. I have always tried to create an open relationship in the family. That started with answering any question they asked me honestly. It may now have gone a bit too far. I am not sure it is normal to know how Jason's sex life is going. Normal or not he will say things like 'Hey do I have scratch marks on my back?' Who are these men I am raising? The fun is in watching them find out.

Warming the Tundra

I am supposed to be writing. Instead I read several old posts on this blog. Reading the older ones made my life feel new to me. Nostalgia is a comforting waste of time. With Lee at college I find myself becoming more and more sappy. It is starting to become embarrassing. Drama Queen was describing a friend to me the other day. "She is so nice, she likes to help people, she is like you without the insults." That description of me was apt and made me laugh for days. I do not want to change, but having my heart broke, for what may be the first time in my life, has made an impact on me.
This is sad to say but I have met few people in my life I cannot live without. That is not to say that I do not like people, I just tend to enjoy whichever friends are with me and not worry too much about the ones who are not. In the same vein, even though I have married twice, there has never been a man in my life it would crush me to lose. That is why I was shocked to be standing in a produce section in September and realize that weird crushing feeling that I could not shake was heartbreak. Lee, Beezus, and Ramona had all left me for the school year. In the evenings I would wander around the house trying to find something to keep me busy.My mind was having trouble focusing. I could not remember ever feeling this way before. I can now truly say there are five people in this world I cannot live without. I wonder if this warming spot in my tundra like heart will spread and soon I will gush and love everyone. I hope not, that would be annoying.

My Cripple Creek Expedition

 Even though there happens to be  lots to do in Cripple Creek I did not really participate in many of these activities. Being too cheap to gamble, and on a rather wobbly wagon you may not expect me to choose vacations with gambling and drinking being the main themes; Dh, and our friends have drug me to the casinos again. Really I had a great time. I had intended to spend the day seeing the sites, and walking around gazing at the beautiful scenery.  Instead I read, napped, and observed several poker games.
It was already dark and cold when we arrived. I stepped out of the car in shorts and was shocked by the sub 40 temps. I found a few of our friends that had drove up separately, put ten dollars in a slot machine cashed out at twenty, and went up to read until one in the morning. The idea of reading so late was exciting because I did not have to work the next day; I could sleep in. At 7:30 my eyes sprang open and would not shut. DH had came to bed at five in the morning so I was trying not to wake him. This was difficult because the bed was smaller than a coffee table book.  I read until 8:30 when everybody else woke up. This was shaping up to be a lovely weekend. The whole group met downstairs for breakfast. Anna ordered a mimosa at the casino bar. The bartender had no idea what this was, so after several people tried to explain it to him he handed her a glass of champagne. She carried it into the restaurant and mixed it with two glasses of orange juice and handed me one. In my need to not be rude I drank it. So here I was on my year of no drinking starting the day with a breakfast drink. I thought of having another, but I resisted.
I watched a few hands of blackjack, a few spins by Anna and her husband on slots, then went up to read and have a nap. They woke me later when everybody decided to walk down the street and visit other casinos. They are all about the same. I spent a few hours watching a five card high poker game. There the mysterious allure of these places finally revealed itself to me. As I watched a nearly 80 year old man play and make friends with the other players, while he was addressed by all of the dealers by his first name, it occurred to me that this was a social club and the money spent betting was the entry fee. Much like all of the money spent on licensed sports gear. When you are wearing that new jersey, or a cool retro one, you are automatically in a club that gives you free high fives and conversation starters.Gamblers are the same. They meet in casinos, drink free drinks, and are a part of something.  Just by standing behind them and offering up cheers or condolences I was allowed free bottles of water and limited access to their club. That is also where the crowning moment of my weekend came. Under that too good to be true lighting I was carded twice. I was given a wrist band the second time so that I could readily prove I was over 21. Since I am closer to forty than to twenty-one this made me very happy.
After eating a large supper I watched some three card poker with my main goal being to score more free water. Oh, and during that supper I drank 1 1/2 glasses of Fetzer Gewurztraminer. Not being ready for bed, but bored with gaming, I headed over to a different casino where the The Family Juls Band was playing. I approached the bartender for a drink and was quickly carded. Of course I had not thought to bring id since I was not gambling or drinking. I explained that I had only wanted water and was only here to listed to the band. I was escorted to the band area and was told I would not be allowed on the gaming floor. I was beginning to love this place. The band was great. They did an excellent job on some of my favorite songs. 
The next morning I slept late and  then read until everybody had either spent all of their money or had gotten the gambling bug out of their system. It was nice to know we were driving to a place where winter was still a few weeks away.

Yes, I am a pig

Most days I believe I am a relatively sane person. Then occasionally a reason comes along to make me doubt that long held belief.
Monday, at work, it was just one of those days. Everything my boss said or did got on my nerves. I really was glad when she went to lunch, because this meant I could be alone for awhile. This is not meant to reflect on my boss, I get incredibly bitchy sometimes.
So there I was alone at work, a long line of customers stretched out in front of me, when somebody started persistently knocking on the back door. I thought it was the ups man even though he is usually patient. Smiling apologetically to the line I ran to get the door. Quietly I sang 'I'm coming' in a cartoon voice. I opened the door and there stood a  witty old lady holding out a plate of pecan bars. 'Not fast enough' she answered with a wink. I thanked her quickly and set the bars aside. I could feel through the plate that they were still warm.  Here it is worth mentioning that I had not eaten yet that day.
After the customers had all been helped I ate two of the six bars. They were delicious, a nice crisp crust covered in that sugar filled goo that fills pecan pies then a nice layer of pecans. I wish I had more right now. Usually when this kind of treat is brought into the office they are placed on the back table so everyone can have a share of the bounty. I set them on the back table and went back to work. Reasoning that she had brought them in because I had been extremely helpful on Saturday I decided to eat one more, that would half, that would be fair. I ate it slowly since it was my last one.
While I was working I remembered that Saturday I had been scheduled to work an extremely busy day alone. I had worked fast, put in an extra hour, and was still greeted on Monday with a list of complaints because I had missed a few of the deadlines by an hour. Yeah, I deserved another bar. So I ate one; the plate looked bare, nobody brings in just four cookie bars. It was going to be obvious I had ate too many. 'Fuck it,' I thought. I ate the other two. They were just as good as the first two. I threw the plate away and pretended they had never existed.
All afternoon I worried that the lady might come back and mention those damn cookies. She did not. Nobody ever knew about my cookie monster like act. Except that I had a tummy ache. Serves me right.

rant

I would really like to attend The Rally To Restore Sanity, but alas, taking a trip would be fiscally irresponsible right now. Instead I am going to use the next few minutes as personal rant time.

A while back I posted about Fria Chica's boyfriend, the father of her baby. Well they have been broke up for sometime now. Fresh out of  a six months in forced rehab  he came up for a visit. She made it clear they were still broke up, she would like him to be a part of their child's life, but she needed her space. He moved in next door. Being a group of optimists we tried to see the best. We thought maybe this would work, he could share the responsibility of raising a child while moving on with his own life. Deep down we knew this wasn't going to happen. It hasn't. He sits in his house with the door open, the sound of Eminem spills into the courtyard, watching for her to come in our out so he can rush out to speak with her. He calls the family or stops by to see if we know where she is. She parks her car at my mom's and sneaks back home so he will think she is out. She is starting to talk of moving back in with Mom so he will leave her alone. He is afraid of my mom. She has told him the police will be called if he sets foot on her property. No one doubts that she is excited by the possibility of this actually happening.
To flesh out this character I will explain more about him. He does not call his musical hero Eminem, he calls him Marshall. This is because he believes they are alike. When they meet they will be close friends. They are going to meet because he is working on a project that Marshall will want to be a spokesperson for. He is going to make it rich on the Internet by supplanting facebook. I have no doubt somebody will, that is the way of the Internet, but it will not be him. His only innovation so far is that his sight will be focusing on mentoring. Many people are great mentors, they have achieved something and want to help others to do the same. He has achieved several d.u.i.s , d.w.i.s a few stints in jail and rehab for an addiction problem he has not quit. His justification for not quitting alcohol and drugs is that when you are rich nobody cares what you do. He is working as a waiter, at least I think he still is, he has not kept a job longer than two months in all of the four years I have known him. So if you want him to teach anything to our high school students he is waiting for his chance. That is his target age group. He has already contacted our computer teacher in the hopes one of her classes will help him build his web page. That is right he has no computer knowledge either. She asked me later if I had any idea who this idiot was that had called her. He told her of his plan to make it rich in the networking business. When she asked what her students would get out of the deal he responded with 'the satisfaction of knowing they had helped'.  I do hope someday he pulls his head out and finds some success in something, maybe then he will pay some child support.

The day off

I am hiding out in my house. Today is my first day off work since school started. With my first look at the schedule I was excited. A day off, home alone, no appointments to haul children to, this was a gift. A gift that needed protecting. I bluntly told Fria Chica, Mom, Anna and her husband, that they were not to come to my house on Wednesday; they would be locked out. I knew I could say this to them and they would understand. I informed them that if they told my brother I was to be home they would be killed. His feelings are more easily bruised. The only worry left was dh, his feelings are tender also . I did not tell him I was having a day off, and was just hoping it would not be a day where he popped in and out of the house several times.  Then during an unrelated conversation he reminded me that Wednesday was the start of dove season, not the chocolates. That meant he would be staying Tuesday night at the river drinking with his buddies. All day Wednesday would be spent killing God's innocent creatures. I was relieved.

As I have whined about in another post my several of my family members are going through rough times at the moment. Being a fixer and a worrier this has caused a lot of stress for me lately. My brother has a few personality issues and depression problems that have made being a part of the work force hard for him. Many times when he is between jobs Mom and I have been able to provide a bit of a cushion for him. This time however it just is not feasible. We make sure he has a place to come, talk, and have a meal, but today I need a break, for my sanity.
Miss Universe has been keeping to herself too much lately. I need to reach out to her and see how she is doing. This past year she has left her husband, lived alone, drank heavily, had boyfriends, moved back in with her husband, and is spending a few weekends in jail to atone for a crime she did or did not commit. I worry about her, but I always know she will come out of this just fine, she always does.
Drama Queen. What can I say about her. She hit a downward spiral four years ago and cannot make her way back up. Last spring when the girls moved in with me if felt final. All summer it felt final. Even when I cautioned myself that she would want the girls to move back in with her when school started my heart would not believe it. She entered and left rehab three times this summer. Each time she would call a family member and insist that they drive to Wichita to take her to rehab, if not she would kill herself. She has grown fond of talking about how suicidal she is. I always refused. Fria Chica and Mom started to refuse after she had checked herself back out after two emotional days of checking her in and making arrangements for her. She sucks the energy out of a person. Once when I was leaving Lawrence I had to stop by Wichita and check on her, Mom insisted. She let me in then passed back out on her couch. I made my way through the bottles and debris to the bathroom. Before I left I kissed her goodbye and asked three times if she was going to lock the door behind me. She called the next day to talk. She had had a vague dream about me. She had no recollection of my having been there. The unlocked door had bothered her all morning, she knew someone had been in her house, but had no idea what they had done. She was relieved to find out that it was me, and that I had not violated her. I didn't mention the kiss.
Since her family had quit answering her calls for help she called friend. Worried, her friend called the police to check on her. She was drunk and belligerent when they arrived on the scene. She was put into rehab, but had talked her way out by the end of the weekend. My sister is a beautiful, skilled actor. They agreed that she wasn't masking any mental illnesses with her drinking, she just need outpatient treatment to help control her alcohol problem. You and I would have believed her too. I have seen her in action, she is good.
While I was checking out of the motel to leave Ks. City she called to talk. I stepped out of line and sat in a large overstuffed chair to hear about her weekend. We laughed as she told me about stumbling in her apartment and hitting her head on the mantle. She had no idea where in Wichita she had left her vehicle. She had told off a few of her boyfriends. I was regaled by her stories. She was in a buoyant mood. Her enthusiasm was catchy. By the time we had hung up I was in a silly mood too. Later, in a rare book store in Lawrence, I talked to here again. She was drunk and crying hysterically. We talked for about ten minutes about how bad her life was. Upon hanging up the phone I instructed the boys not to answer if she called again. I was not going to listen to that all day. I didn't think about banning call from Mom also. Mom called Lane's phone. He answered and handed it to me. I was to go by Drama Queen's and take her to get her anti-drinking prescription filled on my way through Wichita. I grudgingly agreed. Drama Queen called constantly to see when I would be there. At an hour away she called. She called ten minutes later. As we were pulling into town she called. It was only then that I realized she did not want her prescription filled. She wanted me to take her to a dry out center. I told her we were thirty minutes from town, but would be there soon. I drove to a Cold Stone Creamery. We had been having a great weekend, and I was not ready to enter crazy town just yet. I apologized in advance to Lee, Lane, and Emma  for the whatever was about to happen. We made our way across town. Lee and Emma stayed in the car. Lane and I went up to her apartment. We had to shove the couch from in front of the door to enter. She was laying, shirtless, in the middle of the floor with a bottle and a butcher knife posed dramatically beside her. She fell over twice as we made her get up and get dressed, bumping her head solidly on the wall several times. She fought and yelled that she did not want to go to rehab, as I poured out all of the liquor and beer.  Finally I remembered that I had not wanted to take her to rehab, this was her idea. It is easy to lose sight of these details in the middle of a scene. Okay, fine, I said. Lane, let's go. We started to leave. No, she pleaded. I need to go, please take me. She left the apartment with us. We had to help her down four flights of stairs. She fell several more times. In the car she didn't want to go to rehab. She tried to jump out as I drove down Kellogg. Finally at the dry out center she refused to enter. They would not take her unless she walked through the door on her own. She stumbled out and lay face first first on a patch of grass. We sat in the car and watched her. Then a worker noticed her and came out to see what was going on. I went over and explained that I was not going leave her there. Oh she is with you. He looked relieved. He bent down and talked to her. She agreed to go inside if I would bring her a carton of cigarettes. She went inside. I drove to a gas station. Back at the center, cigarettes in hand, we watched an ambulance pull in. Ignoring it I knocked on the door. At least that can't be hers, I thought, she hasn't been here long enough. Slowly as no one answered the door it dawned on me that I was wrong.  I walked around to the back. She was laying on cement. She had been trying to climb the wood fence and leave, but had fallen backwards and smacked her head on the cement.  I gave the ambulance drivers her name as they loaded her up. I had to go inside and answer some questions that a worker asked me. She made it very clear that she was angry that I had brought her. Back in the car we watched the ambulance drive away. We agreed that it was time to go home. We tried to find somewhere to eat chicken and waffles, but the place was closing. We ordered Church's chicken instead. It had a horrible smell. We through it out, and drove home.
Now the girls are back in Wichita enrolled in school. My heart is broken, my worry about their safety is a constant companion.  Last night Drama Queen called to talk. Her boyfriend, the latest in a string that have not treated her nicely, has given her Chlamydia. She is angry. When she had made a snide comment about it the night before he had started to hit her. He was banging her head against the patio floor. She said he probably would have killed her if Ramona had not woken up. I let her talk awhile longer before I voiced my fear. What if he had not left when Ramona woke up? I insisted that she quit letting men like this into her house. She agreed, but I knew it was a promise that would soon be forgotten.
It was after ten, I had been making Jason a grilled cheese sandwich and a cup of noodles while I talked to her. Still talking I made Lane and myself a sundae. It was actually just vanilla ice cream covered with some strawberry-rhubarb jam I had made. I got off the phone and finished my ice cream. I had been planning to go straight to bed, but now I could not sleep. Dead Until Dawn was on my nightstand waiting to be started. At three in the morning I finished it. My mind was cleared. I slept very well for six hours.
I have been carrying this tale around, it feels good to write it down.

Man U live!

MANCHESTER UNITED MIDFIELDER NANI
On Kansas City’s style of play
“Their entire team played very well today. They played with a lot of motivation because they played Manchester United. It's difficult to compare them directly to Barcelona because they're one of the best teams in the world to play that kind of football, but they play very nice and quick and they passed the ball well like a quality Spanish club. Their style was good.”

Read more: http://www.kansascity.com/2010/07/26/2108719/quotes-on-a-very-surprising-result.html#ixzz0utXimsBH

It was a great weekend for U.S. soccer. While we were cheering for the other team it was a win/win situation for us. We were there to see Manchester United play live, which has been a goal of Lee's for years now.It would have been nice to see them win, but it was good to see how high a level our clubs are playing at. Lee, Lane, Emma -Lee's girlfriend, and I loaded into the car Saturday morning and made the nine hour drive to KC. We arrived tired and ready for a swim, but we had a great time.

To have a weekend away was wonderful. We stopped in Wichita to eat Mongolian food, which Emma had never had, and to develop some film. By the time we made it to the hotel we were too tired to do much more than swim, shower and go to bed. The next morning we wanted Cold Stone Creamery for breakfast. The g.p.s. led us to one that didn't open on Sunday's, a shopping center with one that must be invisible, and to a field that held one with a cloaking device. We had a frosty instead.

At the stadium I made an exception to my no alcohol rule. They had a Thai beer that I had never seen before and wanted to try, so I bought one, at $7.50 a bottle I was only going to get one. It was good, not great, but good. My family is still giving me a hard time for making the exception.We went to our seats, which were awesome, they were first row by a corner. I never thought I would see so many Man U fans concentrated into one place. It was exciting. The red was everywhere.  The KC fan base were impressive. They were loud. excited, and later in the parking lot, belligerent. At first this offended me, but they were young excited fans with a big win to boast about. Sure they were sore winners, but that is a problem with every soccer game world wide, we are finally catching up.

On Monday we decided to make a slow trip home. We stopped in Lawrence did some shopping for body jewelry and books. We went to a Cold Stone and got huge ice creams. We drove on to Wichita. We picked up our film and found another Cold Stone and had another huge ice cream. I have left out a bit of family phone calls which affected the rest of the evening. I will talk about those some other time. For now I want to focus on a great trip. Two XL ice creams in one day is a signal of a good time. 

Peace

As the kids were leaving they asked what I was going to do with myself. Here I was all alone, the possibilities were endless, would I read, write, watch tv, do yoga? I locked the door in case somebody stopped by I did not want to waste my free time on. I put on the tea kettle, watered some plants, started a load of laundry. I through the skirt I had been wearing into the wash. I noticed Fria chica walking up the drive at the same time the phone started to ring. Running to unlock the door I looked around for  the cordless phone, which is the only one with caller id, I could not find it so I grabbed the wall phone.
It was Drama Queen. She was crying. Drunk again she asked me to check her in to a rehab, a different one than the one she has walked out of three times since April, a better one, that she would enjoy herself in. I explained that Disney hadn't made a rehab center yet. She cried and reminded me that she is suicidal. There was a knock at the door. I hollered for Fria Chica to come in. Drama Queen kept talking. There was a constant, insistent knock on the door. I interrupted the conversation and ran to find pants. At the door I found two of Jason's friends. They left. I ran back to the phone. We talked for  a while longer then I talked to both of the girls. They are staying the summer with me, but are visiting their mom this week. We decided to make jam and french bread next week when they are back.
I decided to come here to update with my free time. My mom called. The reception was bad, because she was outside in the wind, I could hear enough to know she wanted me to drive to Wichita to get the girls. I hung up as soon as the reception became bad enough to warrant it. Dh came home he told me how depressed he has been over losing his top teeth and getting a plate, which he rarely wears, then we decided to watch a movie. My mom came to the door. She told me Beezus wanted to come home right now. I told her I had just talked to her and she seemed okay for the night. She wanted to talk about how unfit a mother Drama Queen is, but I could not do it. Dh seemed happy to join in. I stated that I was not going to speculate about it now. I was ready to watch a movie and would call Drama Queen tomorrow to make arrangements for the girls. My mom left. We started the movie. The phone rang. It was Ramona. She said grandma told her to call and tell me they were ready to come home. When I asked if she wanted to come home tonight. She said that grandma told her to call and tell me Beezus was ready. So much for  a peaceful night.
Tonight I wish that I had not arranged my life so that there was no one for me to lean on. I have spent most of my adult life trying to keep my family together. I have planned holidays and steered through many family emergencies. Of course maybe I am exaggerating my role and the family itself has not changed course by the force of my energy. Either way I am sensing a different type of crisis. A slow moving storm that I can not keep us together through. I feel myself cutting them loose and holding only my immediate family on the raft. I worry that  it will not even be enough for the five of us, yet I am pulling the girls on with us. Is this the point where I stand back and let my family choose its own course? I am tired of constant manipulation, and am in the hopes that writing a note in the void will be a form of catharsis.

So far so good

I was worried about the temptation to drink at events. These are days when I know I am going to have a drink or two because everybody around me will be drinking too. Two have passed by so far and they have been easy. Two graduation parties on the same weekend flew by with me having no problem saying no. A softball tournament came and went without the thought of beer crossing my mind. This year may be harder than I expected.
You see it was the big events that I expected to give me trouble. Mentally I had prepared myself for them and was ready. Surprisingly it has been normal spring evenings that have been tempting me. After a long day of hauling dirt up ladders to finish my living roof I had a pounding heat headache. The thought of a cold beer seemed lovely. After a evening of planting herbs the red sunset brought to mind a glass of Merlot with Anna. I find myself socializing less. The ritual of a drink or two always called for a friend, now when I dismiss the plot of relaxing over alcohol I also toss away the idea of sitting with a friend. I am going to have to do something about that.

Luckily the years are flying by

The Friday before Mother's day dh asked if I wanted to go out for Chinese food for Mother's day. I agreed. Then he added that first we had to drive to Woods to pick up a lawn mower, and that another couple were going to join us. While driving back towards the restaurant Anna called to ask if I was coming to her party that evening. I had forgot about the damn thing. She was hosting a party for some scented product for the home. My home always smells like dirty teenage feet, no matter how many products I use. I told her I would be there, but that I would be late. After we ate I informed the other lady, who I do not know very well yet, that I was taking her with me to drink. And drink we did. She had to run/walk a 3k the next morning and I hear that her question as she collapsed at the finish line was "Do I smell like vodka?"
I woke the next morning and while still lying in bed I felt pretty good. I felt at peace like I had gotten a reprieve from the stress of everyday life. Going over the night before in my head it occurred to me that  I was beginning to have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. Like many teenagers I drank too much on the weekends, then I went shifted to rarely drinking when my children were young. Now that they are older I drink once or twice a month and that hasn't changed. What has changed is the way I drink.  My rule had always been drink my first one at a normal speed, nurse my second one, then have a glass of water, repeat through the night. Somewhere along the way I have dropped that rule. I have been speed drinking with the intent of drunkenness. Dressed and ready for my day I feel ok. I arrived at work early. Five minutes later I was throwing up and felt like I might die. Somehow I struggle through the work day and then retire to my room for the rest of the day. Sunday morning I drove to Liberal to do my grocery shopping. Smiling and cheerful I walked through stores greeting everyone I met. Humanity looked lovely to me, beauty was evident in every rough face I found. For some inexplicable reason I am happier and feel better about life on Earth after a night of excess.
That was the problem with my drinking habit, I was using it for stress relief. Had it been working I would just stick with it, but I was feeling more stressed than ever these days, so it was time for a change. I am sticking with my promise to abstain from drinking until next mothers day. In this year I plan to find better ways of dealing with the stress of everyday life.

Where's the lamb?

A couple of months ago on a cold Sunday afternoon I sat down with my family and watched Julie and Julia. It reminded me of how much I love cooking. In my life I cook almost daily, and I enjoy it, however, it has been a long time since I have tried anything more involved than risotto. After the movie I decided to try cooking a more difficult meal each week. That never happened. I did do eggs benedict one Sunday morning, I'll count that as one meal in two months. Now that I have five children in my home,and one of them in that dreaded senior year in which the time it takes is only outpaced by the amount of money it costs, I spend a good part of my time in the kitchen. Did I really want to try anything too taxing?
On a feild trip to Topeka last week I read an article in Food & Wine that included three Morrocan recipes. Surely I could do these. Sunday night while on my bimonthly shopping trip I picked up the few ingredients I needed. Everything I would need, except for the main ingredient for my Lamb and Noodle stew. The week before Easter I had bought a beautiful lamb roast at Dillons, so I had not expected any trouble. I had roasted the lamb right away with a simple garlic and salt paste rubbed on it, why hadn't I saved it? Sunday at 11:00 pm there was no lamb to be found in Liberal. Not to be detered I pulled a beef arm roast out of my deep freeze to make Beef and Noodle Stew.
Wednesday was to be the day. The weather was forcasted to be cool and windy, so I would not want to be outdoors, and I had nothing else planned. Of course work got in the way. I worked a half an hour late in the Elk office and needed to put in a couple of hours at our local office. I made it back into town at five and decided to put off the local office until I had put the girls to bed. I didn't read the recipes thoroughly before I started, which is unusual for me, normally I visualize the whole thing to help make a plan. Diving right in I did not notice that the noodles were to go through a longer process than simply boiling them. I started with the eggplant dish since it seemed to take more time. While the eggplant was charring in a stainless steel pot, not the cast iron cassarole, I started the beef dish. The recipe called for a cilantro bundle. For a second I stared at the cilantro thinking it would just be easier to chop it and toss it in. "Are you going to do this or not?" I asked myself. Had I really become such a lazy cook that walking into the next room and cutting a piece of string was too much for me? I tied the cilantro and tossed it in the pan. It was not difficult. I put the saffron into a skillet to toast for ten seconds. I pressed it with a wooden spoon and started counting. Miss Universe walked in with Huggy bear. I grabbed my tea and walked to the sofa to talk with her a second. While we were talking the fire alarm went off. The saffron was black. I started over with a new batch. The eggplant dish was finished earlier than I expected. I put it in the oven which was still warm from toasing the almonds. It was then that I noticed that the noodles required two forty minute steaming sessions before they went into the water. As I reached the point where the lamb was almost done I stressed out and started to think about skipping one of the steaming sessions. It was already after seven-thirty, I needed to get the girls in the shower by eight-thirty. They were outside jumping on the trampoline with Huggy bear and Sebastion. I decided not to skip on the noodles. I started the pear desert and made myself another cup of tea. By the time I sat down to drink my tea I realized that I was almost done. The noodles would need a two minute boil and the pears could poach while we ate.

The dinner was delicious. It took three hours for me to cook it, but I think I can cut that down to one and a half next time. The girls did not get into bed until ten, which meant that I didn't finish up at the local office until midnight. It was good though, and it made great leftovers on Thursday.

Here we go again.

Just when I quit expecting it Drama Queen had a crisis. She is in rehab, and the girls are back living with me. It is always amazing to me how we manage to fit two more kids in our three bedroom home, but kids are like tupperware, they stack.I was worried about how hard it was going to be to bring them back at the end of the school year. I was afraid it would be especially hard since it was a promotion year for Beezus and she would have to miss her field trip and the ceremony. They are troopers though and have not complained at all. In fact they seem cheerful about the whole situation. Yesterday I was up on my roof working while they ran around the yard in their swimming suits playing in the numerous mud puddles. Ramona said 'her first day of school was excellent, thanks for asking' before anyone could think to ask her how school was. She added that the food was better here than it was in Wichita. I will have to tell Anna that. since she is cook at our school.

*I have picked new names for the girls now that they are not really babies anymore. You probably noticed from context they are Ramona and Beezus.

A second pro-choice post; I am getting predictable

Not one of the news stations I listen to have mentioned the school in Washington that allowed a fifteen year old student to leave school for a medical procedure, that happened to be an abortion, that is probably because they were covering acutal news. With a couple of wars, healthcare, and violence against legislators they have been a bit busy. However, their unthoughtfullness left me unprepared this morning when I was faced with this question, "Have you heard about the school in Washington that hauled a fourteen year old girl off campus for an abortion? Her mother had signed a consent form for them to take her child off campus for 'treatment' at the start of the school year, but it never mentioned abortion." I bet it did not mention stitches either.
Since I was unprepared my only two responses were, "She should have read that paper a little more closely; she should have looked into that better," (I will explain why I even said the second half of the sentence in a minute) and "If her daughter got pregnant, had a pregnancy test, and an abortion without consulting her maybe she should be looking at her parenting skills."
When a teenager in our area has a child the first response I hear is "That is another one of our babies," said in a snide tone. This is to point out that our tax dollars will go towards raising this child. If we do not want to pay for the child, or provide for family planning where do we expect teenagers who have made a mistake to go for help? Since it was a private clinic that made arrangements with the girl the only role the school played was letting her miss class without a note from home.
Teenage pregnancy is a sad situation with no great solutions, but the private clinic, not the school,stepped in and did what they thought was right. The girl made her decision. No laws were broken, and now the mother is spending her energy railing against the school. Will she still have energy left to go home and build a relationship with her daughter? Will it occur to her that she should?

As for that unexplained half of a sentence that looks a bit random I was just being an ass. Earlier this week we were talking about healthcare reform and the problems we as a nation are facing. We both agreed that malpractice insurance is a problem. Her solution was that people should not be allowed to sue doctors who make a mistake. "Not even if they cut off the wrong leg?" I asked. Her solution does not allow suing at all. It is the patients responsibilty to research the doctor, with a mistake like a wrongly cut off leg on the doctors record no one else is likely to choose that doctor. If they are not allowed to sue patients will do a better job of choosing doctors in the first place. Which is great except for that first unfortunate patient;he is still without a leg.

Freedom

In my line of work I occasionally have to look at conservative propaganda. A love of my sanity keeps me from reading whole articles, but I do argue with the headlines. Yesterday there was a cartoon on the front of a magazine that depicted Tim Tebow. The bubble said "My mom was advised to abort me and chose not to." On the next square was a baby's grave. The script read "And now a rebuttal from the opposing view." Being a strong believer in free speech I was not offended by the add at all.

The cartoon on the other hand annoyed me. There is a simple rebuttle to the add, the word chose. She chose to have a baby, because it was her choice. A different woman making a different choice, or the same one for that matter, will not make Pam Tebow's choice any more or less valid. Freedom is what is at stake. The conservative propoganda machine has hijacked and mis-used the word 'freedom'; Only by encouraging Americans to think for themselves will we get it back.

The good news, Miss Universe does not have cancer.

I received a text yesterday instructing me to meet at Miss Universe's apartment at 6:30, Fria Chica received this same text. We both assumed something was up and she wanted to talk. In reality she had stumbled onto some weed. Not much in my lifestyle would suggest that my next few moves involved sitting on the floor, rolling around laughing, and eating way too much chocolate, but that is what I did.

I do not remember much of what I found ridiculously funny but the snippets of conversation that do keep popping into my head have made me smile all day. I could have done without the part of the evening that involved me trying to walk into my house without letting the children know what I had been up to. I felt like a sneaky teenager again.

Conversations

Two conversations have struck me lately. Here they are.

"Look what I am sending off to the governor." An older man said. "I think Sarah and Todd will get a kick out of this."

"Oh, that is neat." A lady answers. "My brother sent my mom a copy of her book that they have both signed."

"Have you read her book yet?" The man asks her.

"Not yet, I'll borrow my mother's when she is finished, but I told my brother I was really jealous."

"She starts her tour with Fox News today."

"I am so excited for her."

What makes this conversation odd is that neither of these people have met Sarah. They have the same access to information that the rest of the world does, why then do they still speak in awed tones, why is he still calling her the govenor? What would make this conversation scary would be knowing that people all over the country are talking like this, I hope that is not the case.

The next one is not odd or scary, it just made me think about how much we try to shelter people we love, and how stilted that can make conversations.

Fria Chica, Miss Universe and I were all sitting in a gym watching the kids play basketball. Miss Universe stood up and pulled a cigarette and lighter out of her bag. She turned to Fria Chica and asked if she was coming with her. Fria Chica looked almost sheepish. "Have you quit again?" Miss Universe asked her. I laughed.

"She looked at you with such derision." I said to Fria Chica.
"Quitters never win, winners never quit." She pointed her cigarette at Fria Chica to add emphasis.

"What am I quitting except for a higher chance of cancer?" Fria Chica tensed up as the word cancer left her lips. She was frozen with regret at what she had said.

I turned to Miss Universe and said. "You have been inhaling way too deep."

Young people often try to say nothing offensive at all. Sometimes I forget that there is a nine year age gap between Fria Chica and myself. She has not yet learned that being treated abnormally makes people more uncomfortable than the occasional thoughtless remark. Miss Universe and I were young when a former teacher taught us this lesson with true class. Here husband had died less than a month before. It was in the middle of July; M.U. and I were walking down the middle of the street. She was doing yard work and stood to greet us. We stopped to talk about little things like yard work and weather. M.U. said that trying to work out in the middle of the heat would make her feel like dying. We all felt her tense up. She could not believe she had just said that. Our former teacher went on to agree that the heat would just kill her. She used the words kill or death several times in the next few minutes.

All in all it wasn't that bad

Most of the time my life feels extremely blessed. I do not know what I have done to deserve such a great life, but I am enjoying it while it lasts. However, somedays it feels like the other shoes has just dropped into my lap and squashed the nice piece of cake I had balanced there. Yesterday was one of those days.
With all of my whining though I must point out that most of the crap was not happening to me. I just felt bad for my lack of control in the fortunes of others. First, I had major cramping while I was rebooting my ovarian system. I was extremely tired;I could not sleep the night before and was way overloaded at work. Drama Queen is homeless after a series of mismanaged events. Which means my baby girls lives are unstable again. Not being able to just scoop them up and bring them home is the hardest part. Then the worst news of all is that Miss Universe is being tested because the doctors fear she has bladder cancer, on top of her ms. I just started laughing yesterday evening when reading Lee's rejection letter from the honors program at K.U.
So far today had been going fine, although I still have not been able to sleep.

Books I have read in 2009

On a year when I have only posted nine times I am sure I left out several books. This is the only place I keep a list, since I am way to lazy to keep more than one.

* *Scent of Magic
* *Gods of Aberdeen
* *Your Loyal and Loving Son:The Letters of Tank Gunner Karl Fuchs, 1937-41
* *Jenne
* *The Ladies of Llangollen
* *A Wrinkle In Time
* *The Clocks
* *The Third Girl
* *Northanger Abbey (re-read)
* *Sense and Sensibility (re-read)
* *Pride and Prejudice (re-read)
* *Lolita
* *Reading Lolita in Tehran
* *A Thousand Splendid Suns
* *The Half Blood Prince (re-read)
* *The Deathly Hallows (re-read)
* *A Room Of One's Own
* *Getting Stoned with Savages
* *The Ballod of Reading Gaol and other poems
* *Xinran Sky Burial
* *The House That Jill Built
* *Blood Sucking Fiends
* *The Pearl
* *The Fellowship Of The Ring (re-read)
* *Lord Peter Views The Body
* *The Last Lecture
* *The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society
* *Aunt Erma's Cope Book

Time is moving too quickly again

My last post made it sound like finishing my nano novel was out of the question. I did finish on 11/30 with forty-five minutes to spare. My roof still is not finished. The weather turned cold and for the most part has stayed that way. I did get it to a waterproof stage before it snowed, but I need to add the dirt to hold the pond liner in place. Every time we get a strong wind it curls up and I have to climb up and straighten it out. Today I have the day off and it is supposed to be warm;I hope to get some work done.
I was planning on working on it yesterday too, but I put off my work to fix chocolate chip pancakes and play croquet with my family. My work ethic has not changed much since school.
Last night I stayed up until three a.m. finishing the book Ursula Under. It quickly leaped to my list of favorite books. It was chocked full of interesting stories that traversed history and geography in a meandering path. I sound like a gushing school girl, if so this book is the captain of the football team.

Peaceful building

My word count has been completely blown. I am not sad about it at all though. Finally, after way too long, I am on my way to roofing the bedroom I have been working on. We set all of the beams in on Sunday and cobbed up to them. Hopefully by the end of this week the roof will be finished. It is going to be a living roof and I can already see it. Lee worked on the finishing touches of a long built-in shelf when he had breaks from roofing. The shelf is simple and beautiful. I had forgotten how peaceful building with cob can be. It was a lovely weekend.

More rambling

Well I have been keeping up on my daily word count, so I am still just the same 1300 words behind. So far I am loving my story, that is the biggest trick to finishing by 11/30, loving what you are working on. I spend my days at work trying to schedule my after work chores so that I will have at least two hours to write in the evening. Today I just remembered that I have The Reader checked out from the library. It is due tomorrow. I am trying to fit watching it in to the schedule, but I am not sure if it will fit.

Nanowrimo is here!

I started my Nano novel yesterday. I am already around 1300 words behind. This is typically my month for whining about Nano. December is the month I recover from Nano. Every other month I eagerly anticipate November. This may be the definitive sign of my craziness.

If you haven't ever tried a nano novel check out nanowrimo.org then you can be crazy too.

logic clouded by hate

Again this morning I was working quietly when my boss found me. We had been talking about the flu earlier in the morning. She was convinced, by that infamous "news" channel, that H1N1 was just a government hoax. Now whenever somebody we know falls ill with it, and several people have, I make sure to tell her. Entertainment is hard to come by at work; I take it where I find it. This time she turned the corner and showed me a look of complete hurt. "Did you know fourteen soldiers died in Afghanistan last night?" No I hadn't heard that I responded. "Of course he is acting like nothing happened. He was on Letterman again. I think he is running for entertainer of the year." How do I respond to that? I went with my go to move of turning back to my work. Fortunately she wasn't waiting for a response. "I think we could solve this whole problem by loading up a missle with swine flu and blowing it up in the middle of Afghaninstan. We could just kill off the whole country that way." Apparently she doesn't think genocide is a goal to be shied away from. These type of comments always deserve a response. So I said. I just heard on the radio this morning that Afghanistan has one of the highest rates of death during childbirth in the world. No response from her. They have an undeveloped medical care system. I added. She turned and went back to work. How do you respond to a statement like that.

2008

Books I read in 2008

There may have been a few more. I quit updating my blog often around the end of '08.

# Clouds of Witness
# *Winston and Clementine
# *The Widow Of The South
# *The Last Summer of You and Me
# *The Perfect Storm
# *Goodbye again the Definitive Peter Cook and Dudley Moore
# *The Time Traveler's Wife
# *Kabul
# *My Booky Wook
# *Circle of Freinds
# *Dexter in the Dark
# *When Will Jesus Bring The Porkchops
# *Sweetwater Creek
# *The Amber Spyglass
# *Light On Snow
# *The Dante Club
# *The Subtle Knife
# *The Golden Compass*
# *The Tale Of Despereaux
# *In The Gloaming
# *Good Omens
# *When Madeline Was Young
# *Smoking, Drinking, and Screwing
# *The Secret River
# *The Hidden Diary of Marie Antoinette
# *Three Cups Of Tea
# *P.S. I Love You
# *Wide Sargasso Sea
# *Black and Blue
# *My Sister's Keeper
# *The Slaughter House Five
# *The Night of Rain and Stars
# *The Reluctant Tuscan
# *Hissyfit
# *Eats, Shoots, & Leaves
# *Middlesex
# *Things I Overheard While Talking To Myself
# *Best Friends
# *Africa in my Blood

Conservatives

I am not the only [I pause here because I don't know what to call myself, non-conservative is the best I can come up with] non-conservative in my area, but some days it feels like I am. Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. I am not sure how I feel about that because I am not sure who else was up for it or if there was a more deserving person out there. As President he should be working towards peace simply as part of his job. The specifics are not what has struck me today anyway;they are not what I want to talk about.
I was working quietly, as I do most days, when my boss came to tell me about the prize. I could tell she was shocked, and I knew how she would feel without her saying a word. She went ahead and told me anyway. I tried to change the conversation so I asked what he had won it for? She didn't know. "Surely not for his great speeches." She said in an angry, sarcastic tone. "Or just for being king of the world." She added. She was getting worked up now. "I heard the new dog made a mess in Air Force One that will cost us $500.00 to clean." I knew I couldn't take much more of this so I started laughing and said I could imagine that conversation at home. I mimicked my own childrens' 'please moms' and 'I promises' to show how it could have happened in any family. This parent just happened to be the President, and the vehicle was Air Force One. Not to be derailed she wondered how he could possible control (her word) the nation if he couldn't control his family. I started talking about having kids in the White house. I casually brought up Kessler's book. I mentioned, as if I were heading nowhere with the conversation, how he said Chelsea Clinton was supposed to have caused very little trouble. Then I brought up how much trouble the Bush children were said to have caused. She believes, at this point in the conversation, that it is hard to live in the White House when every little thing you do is going to be picked on by the press. She then started talking about how hard it would have to be to have the secret service always following you while you were growing up. How it would be hard to not rebel against it. She ended the conversation by saying she guessed how the child reacted would depend on the age of the child at the time. I let the conversation end, because that is what I really wanted anyway. I could have pointed out that Chelsea was also a teenager when her father was in the White House, or that her measure of 'controlling children' would make Bush a worse President than Obama or Clinton. Sometimes though I think that it is better to let people see their own hypocrisy slowly as they replay conversations in their head.

Technology

I am embarrassed. January, I haven't posted since January. That is about the time my part time job morphed into a 50 hour a week job. I obviously can't do it all. I am not one of those people who just manage to get everything done. I have the utmost respect for those people, but I am not one of them. My sister, Drama Queen, talked me into signing up for a facebook account two days ago. That seems to be a big time suck. I also am not geared towards that type of communication. Something inside of me is very old fashioned when it comes to communicating. Understand, I love technology. I love gadgets and science and wondering where we will go next. That is the part of dying that most scares me. I want to see flying cars and moon colonies. When we are skipping from planet to planet engaging with the aliens I want to be here. When I communicate though I want long conversations. Texting is great for a quick question, but it is not a conversation. Every time I visit one of the networking sites I am hit with how little substance there is. I may find out what type of drunk a person is, or which smurf they would be, but still know nothing of there personality. That is why I prefer blogs. Reading a few short paragraphs can give quite a bit of insight about a person. Not that I am against them. Let everyone use what bit of technology they like and leave the rest.