My sister, Drama Queen, lives four hours away. Before she moved away her two daughters were constantly at my house. She was working full time at a hospital and going through nursing school so she needed a babysitter 6 to 7 days a week. Then when the girls were 3 and 6 she moved away. Her live in boyfriend was going to college and she was going with him. After a year they broke up, but she did not move back home. She liked living in the city, and away from us.
In past posts the girls have gone by Princess and Curly top. Now that they are older they need better names. Leanne and Laray are what I am now going with. Naming people is one of the hardest parts of writing.
Living alone in a city with two children is hard. She never has built up a social network she can rely on to help with the kids. Without noticing it she lashes out and pushes people away. This makes it hard for her to have close friends. Several times over the years I have tried to get her to move closer so we can help more. Not that we have not helped. It is just that driving four hours when she needs a sitter is not practical.
When Laray was four Drama Queen developed a drinking problem. This has made raising the girls harder for her. They have moved in with me for extended time periods over and over again because of this. They had been living with me for three years until last August. Drama Queen had announced she was pregnant back in November. I told the girls they had to put the crib in their room. While pregnant my sister did really well. No drinking at all.
Not long after Ralee was born we started getting angry or crying phone calls. This is never a good sign. On my next visit up she assured me she only drinks a few beers after the baby is asleep then goes to bed herself. The girls are amazingly good with the baby. My sister is too. She cooks, cleans, puts the baby to bed, drinks a bit, and sleeps. Not ideal, but it is working for now.
The day Jason died I talked to her for an hour. She does not deal with anything well, especially not loss. I talked to her everyday on the phone trying to help her deal with it. She could not make up her mind on whether to come to the funeral or not. I felt that the girls needed to be here with their cousins. Family should come together and talk, laugh, and cry at times of pain. I cleared it with Drama Queen then sent Fria Chica to pick up the girls. The morning of the funeral Drama Queen drove down, went to the funeral, took her girls home with her.
Not long after that the hateful texts and phone calls started coming. She blamed the family for Jason's death. She was sure he would still be alive if anybody had taken drug and alcohol abuse seriously. She told me that not one of us had done anything to help him. It was startling and hurt at first, but we know we should have expected this from her. It is what she does. We tried to keep brushing it off.
One Friday night she called me at 9:30 p.m. and asked me to come pick up the girls. She was crying. She was drunk. I was not sure what to do. I knew that getting the girls would be a good idea, but also that Drama Queen is erratic. After the long drive she could refuse to let me in. I also thought driving straight there and back would put the girls in a dangerous situation. I had to be to work at 8 the next morning, and was already tired. I have done this before, but I really felt it was too risky.
Instead of leaving right away I waited. At 11:30 she told me not to come. Had I left when she wanted me to I would have been halfway there. The next day she was fine.
Wednesday morning she wants me to come pick up the girls again. It is 6:00 a.m. I have to work. She is extremely drunk. I tell her she needs to figure out something for the day, because I can not be there until the evening. I offer to send Fria Chica. "I hate her right now." Is her answer.She explains that she is going to kill herself and does not want the girls to see it. My response may sound callous but we have had similar conversations in the past. I tell her she needs to keep it together for one more day, and I will be there this evening. She hangs up.
Two minutes later she calls back. She says that she has just swallowed a bottle of pills and I had better call in sick and come get the girls. I try to ask her questions, but she will only say that she is going to be in the basement dead when I get here.
There is a good chance she is lying to manipulate me. What if I am wrong? If I am right she is still too drunk to handle a five month old baby while the girls are at school. I call the police.
I was right. She had not taken any pills. She is put into a facility to watch and assess whether she is suicidal or not. I send Fria Chica after the girls.
I talked to her doctor that day. He does not believe she is suicidal. He thinks it is something she says while drinking. He notices it has happened more than once in her file. He tells me he is going to keep her a couple of days for observation to make sure.
Now it is Sunday. I have not been able to contact her. Her phone goes straight to voicemail. Nobody answers the number I have for the facility. Maybe it is just a call out line? I do not know if the girls are here to stay or not. I need to enroll them in school if they are.
Showing posts with label Drama Queen. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Drama Queen. Show all posts
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Saturday, May 14, 2011
The one where I place too much importance on myself
The irritation on President Obama's face was easy to read as he displayed his birth certificate. It was easy to assume I knew the depth of his feeling, I too thought we as a nation had better discussions to spend our time on. Sunday night as I was driving my son, Lee, to the train station I heard the news about Bin Laden. As it became clear that he had been watching this closely for a week I knew his frustration level with the birthers was both deeper than his face had showed and was completely justified. He really did have better things to do.
At this point I am going to compare my small problems with those of the U.S. President. Bear with me. During my April board meeting we discussed teacher evaluations. It became clear that a man who I feel to be a great teacher was about to lose his job and their was not a damn thing I could do to stop it. Another teacher, who is not the best teacher, was also going to be asked to leave, not unusual, except that we all knew he was also going through a serious personal issue that his job loss would compound. We also discussed several minor issues such as the buying a new vehicle and alleged drinking on the senior trip.
Our meeting lasted until 1:30 in the morning. Afterward I showered and lay in bed thinking about the families of the two men we had discussed. This is a small community. Everybody knows everybody and their families. The great teacher and his wife are friends of ours. We have talked over supper, laughed over drinks, shared clothes, parenting tips, and inside jokes. His children would have to change schools. The community was going to lose a good worker and organizer when his wife moved. I really felt that as a board we were making a big mistake for the community and an even bigger one for the school. Great teachers are hard to find.
When I woke at 6:30 I had gotten little sleep. No one would know about the teachers for a while. All day at work I carried around my worries. At home I looked at the clock and decided I had time for a short nap. I curled up on the sofa by Beezus and closed my eyes. Twenty minutes later the phone rang. It was a friend, who also happens to be a teacher, she disagreed with our decision on the senior trip. I tried to stay calm. The conversation was heated, at one point I mentioned that we had more important things to worry about. After the phone call I was irritated, angry, and more than a little hurt. Being exhausted amplified these feeling. The phone rang. It was Drama Queen. She started yelling curse words at me. Apparently I am not raising her children up to her standards. I was also allowing them to have visits with their father, which he has legal rights to, and she was angry. Usually I just stay calm when she is like this and wait for her too calm down too. This night I yelled into the phone "I am not in the fucking mood" and hung up. She called back apologized then started screaming again. I hung up. She sent several texts which I ignored. She called again. Jason answered I could hear his quiet voice talking to her,saying that I was not coming to the phone. I was laying with Lane on his bed. My children are used to me being on an even keel, not laying on a bed crying. Jason came back to the room and both boys lay with me while I cried. I have great children.
Later I went to the local office to do a bit of work. I had decided that there seemed to be a split between what the school board should be focused on and what everybody else wanted us to focus on. My time on the board is donated, my sleepless nights ate given with little reward. I was willing to donate this time for the sake of the school, however, I was not willing to give up this time for stupid arguments that mostly stemmed from previous arguments and hurt feelings. I wrote my resignation letter and sent it out to the board and administration.
I was concerned that when the emotions cleared I would regret leaving the board. A week later I felt pretty good about my decision. There had been a flood of positive responses to my letter asking me to reconsider. I had talked to two of the administration members, who I have respect for, and agreed to give my resignation more thought. After two weeks of thought, and several more conversations, with that same friend I had fought with, I still felt happy with my decision. The friend had called me when the great teacher put in his resignation. She apologized, she knew then what I had alluded too, and agreed that this was a much bigger problem. I was happy to be off of the board and have this weight lifted from me.
Then one evening dh came home and mentioned the two men who were vying for my position. Not two men really, but two douche bags. A phrase I mean in the strongest possible way. My mind played forward what meetings would be like with either of these two in attendance. I thought of the what this would mean for the teachers, it would not be good, and the students. I rescinded my resignation. In two years when my term is up I will rethink my position again. If either of these two are to be on the board they will be there because they were elected, not because I handed it to them.
All of this to say that our president has important decisions to make. Could we please insist that the media educate us on these things? Could we talk about our future as a nation and not every stupid thing that some idiot throws out as a talking point?
At this point I am going to compare my small problems with those of the U.S. President. Bear with me. During my April board meeting we discussed teacher evaluations. It became clear that a man who I feel to be a great teacher was about to lose his job and their was not a damn thing I could do to stop it. Another teacher, who is not the best teacher, was also going to be asked to leave, not unusual, except that we all knew he was also going through a serious personal issue that his job loss would compound. We also discussed several minor issues such as the buying a new vehicle and alleged drinking on the senior trip.
Our meeting lasted until 1:30 in the morning. Afterward I showered and lay in bed thinking about the families of the two men we had discussed. This is a small community. Everybody knows everybody and their families. The great teacher and his wife are friends of ours. We have talked over supper, laughed over drinks, shared clothes, parenting tips, and inside jokes. His children would have to change schools. The community was going to lose a good worker and organizer when his wife moved. I really felt that as a board we were making a big mistake for the community and an even bigger one for the school. Great teachers are hard to find.
When I woke at 6:30 I had gotten little sleep. No one would know about the teachers for a while. All day at work I carried around my worries. At home I looked at the clock and decided I had time for a short nap. I curled up on the sofa by Beezus and closed my eyes. Twenty minutes later the phone rang. It was a friend, who also happens to be a teacher, she disagreed with our decision on the senior trip. I tried to stay calm. The conversation was heated, at one point I mentioned that we had more important things to worry about. After the phone call I was irritated, angry, and more than a little hurt. Being exhausted amplified these feeling. The phone rang. It was Drama Queen. She started yelling curse words at me. Apparently I am not raising her children up to her standards. I was also allowing them to have visits with their father, which he has legal rights to, and she was angry. Usually I just stay calm when she is like this and wait for her too calm down too. This night I yelled into the phone "I am not in the fucking mood" and hung up. She called back apologized then started screaming again. I hung up. She sent several texts which I ignored. She called again. Jason answered I could hear his quiet voice talking to her,saying that I was not coming to the phone. I was laying with Lane on his bed. My children are used to me being on an even keel, not laying on a bed crying. Jason came back to the room and both boys lay with me while I cried. I have great children.
Later I went to the local office to do a bit of work. I had decided that there seemed to be a split between what the school board should be focused on and what everybody else wanted us to focus on. My time on the board is donated, my sleepless nights ate given with little reward. I was willing to donate this time for the sake of the school, however, I was not willing to give up this time for stupid arguments that mostly stemmed from previous arguments and hurt feelings. I wrote my resignation letter and sent it out to the board and administration.
I was concerned that when the emotions cleared I would regret leaving the board. A week later I felt pretty good about my decision. There had been a flood of positive responses to my letter asking me to reconsider. I had talked to two of the administration members, who I have respect for, and agreed to give my resignation more thought. After two weeks of thought, and several more conversations, with that same friend I had fought with, I still felt happy with my decision. The friend had called me when the great teacher put in his resignation. She apologized, she knew then what I had alluded too, and agreed that this was a much bigger problem. I was happy to be off of the board and have this weight lifted from me.
Then one evening dh came home and mentioned the two men who were vying for my position. Not two men really, but two douche bags. A phrase I mean in the strongest possible way. My mind played forward what meetings would be like with either of these two in attendance. I thought of the what this would mean for the teachers, it would not be good, and the students. I rescinded my resignation. In two years when my term is up I will rethink my position again. If either of these two are to be on the board they will be there because they were elected, not because I handed it to them.
All of this to say that our president has important decisions to make. Could we please insist that the media educate us on these things? Could we talk about our future as a nation and not every stupid thing that some idiot throws out as a talking point?
Saturday, January 08, 2011
My life
Most days I look at this empty screen and think 'I have nothing to say' So I say nothing. Today, I have nothing to say, so I thought I would just catch up on what have I been doing. Beezus and Ramona have moved back in with me, and Lee is here for Christmas break. That makes me happy. What else? Working mostly, having lived for several years as a stay-at-home mom I have perspective on both sides and I can say that working sucks. It has its good points, like a paycheck and health insurance. It was always scary to take a child to the doctor and wonder if this was going to be your whole food budget for the week, and I most certainly never wanted to go the doctor myself. That would be a total waste of money. Adult interaction is another good point. I enjoy my job, and feel I am good at it, but it still sucks to wake to the sound of an alarm, drive, spend eight hours working for everybody else, then be too tired to work towards my own dreams in the evening. It is not that I am always too tired. That energy that I do have is spent on my children. It has become apparent to me lately that I do not have much time left with them at home, so spending time with them has become a real priority, whether they like it or not. What are these dreams, or projects, that I am pushing back?
I want to build my house. The picture of it is stored in my head and I walk through it at nights. It is beautiful. I want to write a few books. There are stories in my mind that I would like to commit to paper, before paper is archaic. I would like to be a more healthy me. I have plans that include more yoga and belly dancing, I am trying to fit those in to my schedule. I have trouble sticking to schedules. Creating an actual prolific garden would be nice, I play at in now, but it does not produce much. These are all things I am trying to fit into my life. Hopefully I will do a better job of it than I did last year.
What did I do last year. I joined a book club that I have enjoyed. I sent my first child off to college. I remember the day I sat at a red light in Lawrence and it hit me that I had done it. The day Lee was born I pledged to give him a stable childhood. One where he would start preschool and graduate in the same place. One where college was not some foreign world where he would feel he did not belong, but a place he was planning on going some day. Financially I wanted to be able to help him get started. That moment at the stop light, the same day I had cosigned his lease, and enrolled him in school, was a moment of sheer giddiness. I have been through a roller coaster with my sister. We have not agreed on rehab for her or where the girls should live. I am not saying the ride is over, but we are in a nice steady spot right now. Lane and Jason are becoming young men and most days I am proud of them. I have always tried to create an open relationship in the family. That started with answering any question they asked me honestly. It may now have gone a bit too far. I am not sure it is normal to know how Jason's sex life is going. Normal or not he will say things like 'Hey do I have scratch marks on my back?' Who are these men I am raising? The fun is in watching them find out.
I want to build my house. The picture of it is stored in my head and I walk through it at nights. It is beautiful. I want to write a few books. There are stories in my mind that I would like to commit to paper, before paper is archaic. I would like to be a more healthy me. I have plans that include more yoga and belly dancing, I am trying to fit those in to my schedule. I have trouble sticking to schedules. Creating an actual prolific garden would be nice, I play at in now, but it does not produce much. These are all things I am trying to fit into my life. Hopefully I will do a better job of it than I did last year.
What did I do last year. I joined a book club that I have enjoyed. I sent my first child off to college. I remember the day I sat at a red light in Lawrence and it hit me that I had done it. The day Lee was born I pledged to give him a stable childhood. One where he would start preschool and graduate in the same place. One where college was not some foreign world where he would feel he did not belong, but a place he was planning on going some day. Financially I wanted to be able to help him get started. That moment at the stop light, the same day I had cosigned his lease, and enrolled him in school, was a moment of sheer giddiness. I have been through a roller coaster with my sister. We have not agreed on rehab for her or where the girls should live. I am not saying the ride is over, but we are in a nice steady spot right now. Lane and Jason are becoming young men and most days I am proud of them. I have always tried to create an open relationship in the family. That started with answering any question they asked me honestly. It may now have gone a bit too far. I am not sure it is normal to know how Jason's sex life is going. Normal or not he will say things like 'Hey do I have scratch marks on my back?' Who are these men I am raising? The fun is in watching them find out.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Warming the Tundra
I am supposed to be writing. Instead I read several old posts on this blog. Reading the older ones made my life feel new to me. Nostalgia is a comforting waste of time. With Lee at college I find myself becoming more and more sappy. It is starting to become embarrassing. Drama Queen was describing a friend to me the other day. "She is so nice, she likes to help people, she is like you without the insults." That description of me was apt and made me laugh for days. I do not want to change, but having my heart broke, for what may be the first time in my life, has made an impact on me.
This is sad to say but I have met few people in my life I cannot live without. That is not to say that I do not like people, I just tend to enjoy whichever friends are with me and not worry too much about the ones who are not. In the same vein, even though I have married twice, there has never been a man in my life it would crush me to lose. That is why I was shocked to be standing in a produce section in September and realize that weird crushing feeling that I could not shake was heartbreak. Lee, Beezus, and Ramona had all left me for the school year. In the evenings I would wander around the house trying to find something to keep me busy.My mind was having trouble focusing. I could not remember ever feeling this way before. I can now truly say there are five people in this world I cannot live without. I wonder if this warming spot in my tundra like heart will spread and soon I will gush and love everyone. I hope not, that would be annoying.
This is sad to say but I have met few people in my life I cannot live without. That is not to say that I do not like people, I just tend to enjoy whichever friends are with me and not worry too much about the ones who are not. In the same vein, even though I have married twice, there has never been a man in my life it would crush me to lose. That is why I was shocked to be standing in a produce section in September and realize that weird crushing feeling that I could not shake was heartbreak. Lee, Beezus, and Ramona had all left me for the school year. In the evenings I would wander around the house trying to find something to keep me busy.My mind was having trouble focusing. I could not remember ever feeling this way before. I can now truly say there are five people in this world I cannot live without. I wonder if this warming spot in my tundra like heart will spread and soon I will gush and love everyone. I hope not, that would be annoying.
Wednesday, September 01, 2010
The day off
I am hiding out in my house. Today is my first day off work since school started. With my first look at the schedule I was excited. A day off, home alone, no appointments to haul children to, this was a gift. A gift that needed protecting. I bluntly told Fria Chica, Mom, Anna and her husband, that they were not to come to my house on Wednesday; they would be locked out. I knew I could say this to them and they would understand. I informed them that if they told my brother I was to be home they would be killed. His feelings are more easily bruised. The only worry left was dh, his feelings are tender also . I did not tell him I was having a day off, and was just hoping it would not be a day where he popped in and out of the house several times. Then during an unrelated conversation he reminded me that Wednesday was the start of dove season, not the chocolates. That meant he would be staying Tuesday night at the river drinking with his buddies. All day Wednesday would be spent killing God's innocent creatures. I was relieved.
As I have whined about in another post my several of my family members are going through rough times at the moment. Being a fixer and a worrier this has caused a lot of stress for me lately. My brother has a few personality issues and depression problems that have made being a part of the work force hard for him. Many times when he is between jobs Mom and I have been able to provide a bit of a cushion for him. This time however it just is not feasible. We make sure he has a place to come, talk, and have a meal, but today I need a break, for my sanity.
Miss Universe has been keeping to herself too much lately. I need to reach out to her and see how she is doing. This past year she has left her husband, lived alone, drank heavily, had boyfriends, moved back in with her husband, and is spending a few weekends in jail to atone for a crime she did or did not commit. I worry about her, but I always know she will come out of this just fine, she always does.
Drama Queen. What can I say about her. She hit a downward spiral four years ago and cannot make her way back up. Last spring when the girls moved in with me if felt final. All summer it felt final. Even when I cautioned myself that she would want the girls to move back in with her when school started my heart would not believe it. She entered and left rehab three times this summer. Each time she would call a family member and insist that they drive to Wichita to take her to rehab, if not she would kill herself. She has grown fond of talking about how suicidal she is. I always refused. Fria Chica and Mom started to refuse after she had checked herself back out after two emotional days of checking her in and making arrangements for her. She sucks the energy out of a person. Once when I was leaving Lawrence I had to stop by Wichita and check on her, Mom insisted. She let me in then passed back out on her couch. I made my way through the bottles and debris to the bathroom. Before I left I kissed her goodbye and asked three times if she was going to lock the door behind me. She called the next day to talk. She had had a vague dream about me. She had no recollection of my having been there. The unlocked door had bothered her all morning, she knew someone had been in her house, but had no idea what they had done. She was relieved to find out that it was me, and that I had not violated her. I didn't mention the kiss.
Since her family had quit answering her calls for help she called friend. Worried, her friend called the police to check on her. She was drunk and belligerent when they arrived on the scene. She was put into rehab, but had talked her way out by the end of the weekend. My sister is a beautiful, skilled actor. They agreed that she wasn't masking any mental illnesses with her drinking, she just need outpatient treatment to help control her alcohol problem. You and I would have believed her too. I have seen her in action, she is good.
While I was checking out of the motel to leave Ks. City she called to talk. I stepped out of line and sat in a large overstuffed chair to hear about her weekend. We laughed as she told me about stumbling in her apartment and hitting her head on the mantle. She had no idea where in Wichita she had left her vehicle. She had told off a few of her boyfriends. I was regaled by her stories. She was in a buoyant mood. Her enthusiasm was catchy. By the time we had hung up I was in a silly mood too. Later, in a rare book store in Lawrence, I talked to here again. She was drunk and crying hysterically. We talked for about ten minutes about how bad her life was. Upon hanging up the phone I instructed the boys not to answer if she called again. I was not going to listen to that all day. I didn't think about banning call from Mom also. Mom called Lane's phone. He answered and handed it to me. I was to go by Drama Queen's and take her to get her anti-drinking prescription filled on my way through Wichita. I grudgingly agreed. Drama Queen called constantly to see when I would be there. At an hour away she called. She called ten minutes later. As we were pulling into town she called. It was only then that I realized she did not want her prescription filled. She wanted me to take her to a dry out center. I told her we were thirty minutes from town, but would be there soon. I drove to a Cold Stone Creamery. We had been having a great weekend, and I was not ready to enter crazy town just yet. I apologized in advance to Lee, Lane, and Emma for the whatever was about to happen. We made our way across town. Lee and Emma stayed in the car. Lane and I went up to her apartment. We had to shove the couch from in front of the door to enter. She was laying, shirtless, in the middle of the floor with a bottle and a butcher knife posed dramatically beside her. She fell over twice as we made her get up and get dressed, bumping her head solidly on the wall several times. She fought and yelled that she did not want to go to rehab, as I poured out all of the liquor and beer. Finally I remembered that I had not wanted to take her to rehab, this was her idea. It is easy to lose sight of these details in the middle of a scene. Okay, fine, I said. Lane, let's go. We started to leave. No, she pleaded. I need to go, please take me. She left the apartment with us. We had to help her down four flights of stairs. She fell several more times. In the car she didn't want to go to rehab. She tried to jump out as I drove down Kellogg. Finally at the dry out center she refused to enter. They would not take her unless she walked through the door on her own. She stumbled out and lay face first first on a patch of grass. We sat in the car and watched her. Then a worker noticed her and came out to see what was going on. I went over and explained that I was not going leave her there. Oh she is with you. He looked relieved. He bent down and talked to her. She agreed to go inside if I would bring her a carton of cigarettes. She went inside. I drove to a gas station. Back at the center, cigarettes in hand, we watched an ambulance pull in. Ignoring it I knocked on the door. At least that can't be hers, I thought, she hasn't been here long enough. Slowly as no one answered the door it dawned on me that I was wrong. I walked around to the back. She was laying on cement. She had been trying to climb the wood fence and leave, but had fallen backwards and smacked her head on the cement. I gave the ambulance drivers her name as they loaded her up. I had to go inside and answer some questions that a worker asked me. She made it very clear that she was angry that I had brought her. Back in the car we watched the ambulance drive away. We agreed that it was time to go home. We tried to find somewhere to eat chicken and waffles, but the place was closing. We ordered Church's chicken instead. It had a horrible smell. We through it out, and drove home.
Now the girls are back in Wichita enrolled in school. My heart is broken, my worry about their safety is a constant companion. Last night Drama Queen called to talk. Her boyfriend, the latest in a string that have not treated her nicely, has given her Chlamydia. She is angry. When she had made a snide comment about it the night before he had started to hit her. He was banging her head against the patio floor. She said he probably would have killed her if Ramona had not woken up. I let her talk awhile longer before I voiced my fear. What if he had not left when Ramona woke up? I insisted that she quit letting men like this into her house. She agreed, but I knew it was a promise that would soon be forgotten.
It was after ten, I had been making Jason a grilled cheese sandwich and a cup of noodles while I talked to her. Still talking I made Lane and myself a sundae. It was actually just vanilla ice cream covered with some strawberry-rhubarb jam I had made. I got off the phone and finished my ice cream. I had been planning to go straight to bed, but now I could not sleep. Dead Until Dawn was on my nightstand waiting to be started. At three in the morning I finished it. My mind was cleared. I slept very well for six hours.
I have been carrying this tale around, it feels good to write it down.
As I have whined about in another post my several of my family members are going through rough times at the moment. Being a fixer and a worrier this has caused a lot of stress for me lately. My brother has a few personality issues and depression problems that have made being a part of the work force hard for him. Many times when he is between jobs Mom and I have been able to provide a bit of a cushion for him. This time however it just is not feasible. We make sure he has a place to come, talk, and have a meal, but today I need a break, for my sanity.
Miss Universe has been keeping to herself too much lately. I need to reach out to her and see how she is doing. This past year she has left her husband, lived alone, drank heavily, had boyfriends, moved back in with her husband, and is spending a few weekends in jail to atone for a crime she did or did not commit. I worry about her, but I always know she will come out of this just fine, she always does.
Drama Queen. What can I say about her. She hit a downward spiral four years ago and cannot make her way back up. Last spring when the girls moved in with me if felt final. All summer it felt final. Even when I cautioned myself that she would want the girls to move back in with her when school started my heart would not believe it. She entered and left rehab three times this summer. Each time she would call a family member and insist that they drive to Wichita to take her to rehab, if not she would kill herself. She has grown fond of talking about how suicidal she is. I always refused. Fria Chica and Mom started to refuse after she had checked herself back out after two emotional days of checking her in and making arrangements for her. She sucks the energy out of a person. Once when I was leaving Lawrence I had to stop by Wichita and check on her, Mom insisted. She let me in then passed back out on her couch. I made my way through the bottles and debris to the bathroom. Before I left I kissed her goodbye and asked three times if she was going to lock the door behind me. She called the next day to talk. She had had a vague dream about me. She had no recollection of my having been there. The unlocked door had bothered her all morning, she knew someone had been in her house, but had no idea what they had done. She was relieved to find out that it was me, and that I had not violated her. I didn't mention the kiss.
Since her family had quit answering her calls for help she called friend. Worried, her friend called the police to check on her. She was drunk and belligerent when they arrived on the scene. She was put into rehab, but had talked her way out by the end of the weekend. My sister is a beautiful, skilled actor. They agreed that she wasn't masking any mental illnesses with her drinking, she just need outpatient treatment to help control her alcohol problem. You and I would have believed her too. I have seen her in action, she is good.
While I was checking out of the motel to leave Ks. City she called to talk. I stepped out of line and sat in a large overstuffed chair to hear about her weekend. We laughed as she told me about stumbling in her apartment and hitting her head on the mantle. She had no idea where in Wichita she had left her vehicle. She had told off a few of her boyfriends. I was regaled by her stories. She was in a buoyant mood. Her enthusiasm was catchy. By the time we had hung up I was in a silly mood too. Later, in a rare book store in Lawrence, I talked to here again. She was drunk and crying hysterically. We talked for about ten minutes about how bad her life was. Upon hanging up the phone I instructed the boys not to answer if she called again. I was not going to listen to that all day. I didn't think about banning call from Mom also. Mom called Lane's phone. He answered and handed it to me. I was to go by Drama Queen's and take her to get her anti-drinking prescription filled on my way through Wichita. I grudgingly agreed. Drama Queen called constantly to see when I would be there. At an hour away she called. She called ten minutes later. As we were pulling into town she called. It was only then that I realized she did not want her prescription filled. She wanted me to take her to a dry out center. I told her we were thirty minutes from town, but would be there soon. I drove to a Cold Stone Creamery. We had been having a great weekend, and I was not ready to enter crazy town just yet. I apologized in advance to Lee, Lane, and Emma for the whatever was about to happen. We made our way across town. Lee and Emma stayed in the car. Lane and I went up to her apartment. We had to shove the couch from in front of the door to enter. She was laying, shirtless, in the middle of the floor with a bottle and a butcher knife posed dramatically beside her. She fell over twice as we made her get up and get dressed, bumping her head solidly on the wall several times. She fought and yelled that she did not want to go to rehab, as I poured out all of the liquor and beer. Finally I remembered that I had not wanted to take her to rehab, this was her idea. It is easy to lose sight of these details in the middle of a scene. Okay, fine, I said. Lane, let's go. We started to leave. No, she pleaded. I need to go, please take me. She left the apartment with us. We had to help her down four flights of stairs. She fell several more times. In the car she didn't want to go to rehab. She tried to jump out as I drove down Kellogg. Finally at the dry out center she refused to enter. They would not take her unless she walked through the door on her own. She stumbled out and lay face first first on a patch of grass. We sat in the car and watched her. Then a worker noticed her and came out to see what was going on. I went over and explained that I was not going leave her there. Oh she is with you. He looked relieved. He bent down and talked to her. She agreed to go inside if I would bring her a carton of cigarettes. She went inside. I drove to a gas station. Back at the center, cigarettes in hand, we watched an ambulance pull in. Ignoring it I knocked on the door. At least that can't be hers, I thought, she hasn't been here long enough. Slowly as no one answered the door it dawned on me that I was wrong. I walked around to the back. She was laying on cement. She had been trying to climb the wood fence and leave, but had fallen backwards and smacked her head on the cement. I gave the ambulance drivers her name as they loaded her up. I had to go inside and answer some questions that a worker asked me. She made it very clear that she was angry that I had brought her. Back in the car we watched the ambulance drive away. We agreed that it was time to go home. We tried to find somewhere to eat chicken and waffles, but the place was closing. We ordered Church's chicken instead. It had a horrible smell. We through it out, and drove home.
Now the girls are back in Wichita enrolled in school. My heart is broken, my worry about their safety is a constant companion. Last night Drama Queen called to talk. Her boyfriend, the latest in a string that have not treated her nicely, has given her Chlamydia. She is angry. When she had made a snide comment about it the night before he had started to hit her. He was banging her head against the patio floor. She said he probably would have killed her if Ramona had not woken up. I let her talk awhile longer before I voiced my fear. What if he had not left when Ramona woke up? I insisted that she quit letting men like this into her house. She agreed, but I knew it was a promise that would soon be forgotten.
It was after ten, I had been making Jason a grilled cheese sandwich and a cup of noodles while I talked to her. Still talking I made Lane and myself a sundae. It was actually just vanilla ice cream covered with some strawberry-rhubarb jam I had made. I got off the phone and finished my ice cream. I had been planning to go straight to bed, but now I could not sleep. Dead Until Dawn was on my nightstand waiting to be started. At three in the morning I finished it. My mind was cleared. I slept very well for six hours.
I have been carrying this tale around, it feels good to write it down.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Peace
As the kids were leaving they asked what I was going to do with myself. Here I was all alone, the possibilities were endless, would I read, write, watch tv, do yoga? I locked the door in case somebody stopped by I did not want to waste my free time on. I put on the tea kettle, watered some plants, started a load of laundry. I through the skirt I had been wearing into the wash. I noticed Fria chica walking up the drive at the same time the phone started to ring. Running to unlock the door I looked around for the cordless phone, which is the only one with caller id, I could not find it so I grabbed the wall phone.
It was Drama Queen. She was crying. Drunk again she asked me to check her in to a rehab, a different one than the one she has walked out of three times since April, a better one, that she would enjoy herself in. I explained that Disney hadn't made a rehab center yet. She cried and reminded me that she is suicidal. There was a knock at the door. I hollered for Fria Chica to come in. Drama Queen kept talking. There was a constant, insistent knock on the door. I interrupted the conversation and ran to find pants. At the door I found two of Jason's friends. They left. I ran back to the phone. We talked for a while longer then I talked to both of the girls. They are staying the summer with me, but are visiting their mom this week. We decided to make jam and french bread next week when they are back.
I decided to come here to update with my free time. My mom called. The reception was bad, because she was outside in the wind, I could hear enough to know she wanted me to drive to Wichita to get the girls. I hung up as soon as the reception became bad enough to warrant it. Dh came home he told me how depressed he has been over losing his top teeth and getting a plate, which he rarely wears, then we decided to watch a movie. My mom came to the door. She told me Beezus wanted to come home right now. I told her I had just talked to her and she seemed okay for the night. She wanted to talk about how unfit a mother Drama Queen is, but I could not do it. Dh seemed happy to join in. I stated that I was not going to speculate about it now. I was ready to watch a movie and would call Drama Queen tomorrow to make arrangements for the girls. My mom left. We started the movie. The phone rang. It was Ramona. She said grandma told her to call and tell me they were ready to come home. When I asked if she wanted to come home tonight. She said that grandma told her to call and tell me Beezus was ready. So much for a peaceful night.
Tonight I wish that I had not arranged my life so that there was no one for me to lean on. I have spent most of my adult life trying to keep my family together. I have planned holidays and steered through many family emergencies. Of course maybe I am exaggerating my role and the family itself has not changed course by the force of my energy. Either way I am sensing a different type of crisis. A slow moving storm that I can not keep us together through. I feel myself cutting them loose and holding only my immediate family on the raft. I worry that it will not even be enough for the five of us, yet I am pulling the girls on with us. Is this the point where I stand back and let my family choose its own course? I am tired of constant manipulation, and am in the hopes that writing a note in the void will be a form of catharsis.
It was Drama Queen. She was crying. Drunk again she asked me to check her in to a rehab, a different one than the one she has walked out of three times since April, a better one, that she would enjoy herself in. I explained that Disney hadn't made a rehab center yet. She cried and reminded me that she is suicidal. There was a knock at the door. I hollered for Fria Chica to come in. Drama Queen kept talking. There was a constant, insistent knock on the door. I interrupted the conversation and ran to find pants. At the door I found two of Jason's friends. They left. I ran back to the phone. We talked for a while longer then I talked to both of the girls. They are staying the summer with me, but are visiting their mom this week. We decided to make jam and french bread next week when they are back.
I decided to come here to update with my free time. My mom called. The reception was bad, because she was outside in the wind, I could hear enough to know she wanted me to drive to Wichita to get the girls. I hung up as soon as the reception became bad enough to warrant it. Dh came home he told me how depressed he has been over losing his top teeth and getting a plate, which he rarely wears, then we decided to watch a movie. My mom came to the door. She told me Beezus wanted to come home right now. I told her I had just talked to her and she seemed okay for the night. She wanted to talk about how unfit a mother Drama Queen is, but I could not do it. Dh seemed happy to join in. I stated that I was not going to speculate about it now. I was ready to watch a movie and would call Drama Queen tomorrow to make arrangements for the girls. My mom left. We started the movie. The phone rang. It was Ramona. She said grandma told her to call and tell me they were ready to come home. When I asked if she wanted to come home tonight. She said that grandma told her to call and tell me Beezus was ready. So much for a peaceful night.
Tonight I wish that I had not arranged my life so that there was no one for me to lean on. I have spent most of my adult life trying to keep my family together. I have planned holidays and steered through many family emergencies. Of course maybe I am exaggerating my role and the family itself has not changed course by the force of my energy. Either way I am sensing a different type of crisis. A slow moving storm that I can not keep us together through. I feel myself cutting them loose and holding only my immediate family on the raft. I worry that it will not even be enough for the five of us, yet I am pulling the girls on with us. Is this the point where I stand back and let my family choose its own course? I am tired of constant manipulation, and am in the hopes that writing a note in the void will be a form of catharsis.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Here we go again.
Just when I quit expecting it Drama Queen had a crisis. She is in rehab, and the girls are back living with me. It is always amazing to me how we manage to fit two more kids in our three bedroom home, but kids are like tupperware, they stack.I was worried about how hard it was going to be to bring them back at the end of the school year. I was afraid it would be especially hard since it was a promotion year for Beezus and she would have to miss her field trip and the ceremony. They are troopers though and have not complained at all. In fact they seem cheerful about the whole situation. Yesterday I was up on my roof working while they ran around the yard in their swimming suits playing in the numerous mud puddles. Ramona said 'her first day of school was excellent, thanks for asking' before anyone could think to ask her how school was. She added that the food was better here than it was in Wichita. I will have to tell Anna that. since she is cook at our school.
*I have picked new names for the girls now that they are not really babies anymore. You probably noticed from context they are Ramona and Beezus.
*I have picked new names for the girls now that they are not really babies anymore. You probably noticed from context they are Ramona and Beezus.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
All in all it wasn't that bad
Most of the time my life feels extremely blessed. I do not know what I have done to deserve such a great life, but I am enjoying it while it lasts. However, somedays it feels like the other shoes has just dropped into my lap and squashed the nice piece of cake I had balanced there. Yesterday was one of those days.
With all of my whining though I must point out that most of the crap was not happening to me. I just felt bad for my lack of control in the fortunes of others. First, I had major cramping while I was rebooting my ovarian system. I was extremely tired;I could not sleep the night before and was way overloaded at work. Drama Queen is homeless after a series of mismanaged events. Which means my baby girls lives are unstable again. Not being able to just scoop them up and bring them home is the hardest part. Then the worst news of all is that Miss Universe is being tested because the doctors fear she has bladder cancer, on top of her ms. I just started laughing yesterday evening when reading Lee's rejection letter from the honors program at K.U.
So far today had been going fine, although I still have not been able to sleep.
With all of my whining though I must point out that most of the crap was not happening to me. I just felt bad for my lack of control in the fortunes of others. First, I had major cramping while I was rebooting my ovarian system. I was extremely tired;I could not sleep the night before and was way overloaded at work. Drama Queen is homeless after a series of mismanaged events. Which means my baby girls lives are unstable again. Not being able to just scoop them up and bring them home is the hardest part. Then the worst news of all is that Miss Universe is being tested because the doctors fear she has bladder cancer, on top of her ms. I just started laughing yesterday evening when reading Lee's rejection letter from the honors program at K.U.
So far today had been going fine, although I still have not been able to sleep.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Not much sense or sensibility
I had to question my sanity today. I was scrolling through our dvr list today when I noticed the first half of the BBC production of Sense and Sensibility had been deleted. Since it would be ridiculous to watch just the second half of a movie I deleted the conclusion. I recorded these months ago when PBS ran them on Masterpiece. Fria chica and I have been planning on watching it together one of these days so I have been saving them. The part of this story that made me question my sanity is how despondent I was about the loss. I was angry and sad with small revenge-filled thoughts running through my head. It is not like my family actually broke the last copy and wiped this movie from the human realm. They just, accidentally I'm sure, deleted my only copy. I had to force myself to see reason;it took quite awhile.
Speaking of Fria chica the drama of her current boyfriend continues. On his way to rehab he stopped in Wichita to visit her for a day or two. She is spending the week with Drama Queen, who had agreed to this visit. During this time he seemed to be binging on the drugs he was going to rehab to quit. I would have more sympathy with his whole plan to quit if it was sincere and not just another ploy to stay out of jail for his latest dui arrest. Due to family money and influence he has spent very little time in jail for his last three offenses. Shortly into his stay Drama queen had to explain to him that she would prefer he not do drugs at her house, but if he could not comply with that request would he at least not leave his pop-can bong, complete with ashes, right outside the front door. Later in the night he punched a hole through her apartment wall, broke Fria chica's phone and managed to frighted all of the children. She kicked him out of her house, twice, before she was finally able to get him to leave town. He is now safely in rehab, but he has been calling us several times a day trying to get Drama queen's number. Once when I was out Lane answered the call and the guy tried to convince him it was a matter of life and death. Somehow he thought Lane would buy some line about it being an emergency because he was near cardiac arrest. I am not sure if he thinks my kids are younger or stupider than they actually are.
Speaking of Fria chica the drama of her current boyfriend continues. On his way to rehab he stopped in Wichita to visit her for a day or two. She is spending the week with Drama Queen, who had agreed to this visit. During this time he seemed to be binging on the drugs he was going to rehab to quit. I would have more sympathy with his whole plan to quit if it was sincere and not just another ploy to stay out of jail for his latest dui arrest. Due to family money and influence he has spent very little time in jail for his last three offenses. Shortly into his stay Drama queen had to explain to him that she would prefer he not do drugs at her house, but if he could not comply with that request would he at least not leave his pop-can bong, complete with ashes, right outside the front door. Later in the night he punched a hole through her apartment wall, broke Fria chica's phone and managed to frighted all of the children. She kicked him out of her house, twice, before she was finally able to get him to leave town. He is now safely in rehab, but he has been calling us several times a day trying to get Drama queen's number. Once when I was out Lane answered the call and the guy tried to convince him it was a matter of life and death. Somehow he thought Lane would buy some line about it being an emergency because he was near cardiac arrest. I am not sure if he thinks my kids are younger or stupider than they actually are.
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Vacation
I can't believe I went all of March without posting. The week before I went on vacation all I did was work. My boss's daughter was in the hospital so I worked for her while she took time off. To fulfill an unwritten rule of the universe things just seemed to keep popping up that had to be dealt with before we left.
Leading up to our trip I was a bit apprehensive about the whole thing. There were several factors contributing to my fear. They were destination, travel partners, and crowds. We had decided to go to Orlando. The only reason I had agreed to vacation there was because I had promised Curly Top I would take her to Disney world. Before I made any definite plans I called Drama Queen twice to make sure the girls would be able to go. Since she didn't see any problems I went ahead and paid for 1/3 of the house. Then when it was time to buy airline tickets she decided she didn't want to go and that she didn't want the girls to be that far away from her. I hung up the phone and cursed for at least five minutes straight. We were all angry, but there wasn't anything we could do, so we just got over it.
I am not trying to dis Florida, it is just that Orlando seems to be totally geared towards theme parks and shopping. Those are two things I tire of quickly. There are many places in Florida I would like to go spend a week at, Orlando just wasn't one of them. When I was seventeen we took our senior trip to Orlando. The only two things that screamed 'come back' to me were the beach and Typhoon Lagoon. I would have much rather stayed closer to the ocean and drove in one day for the water park.
Our group consisted of three families. Miss Universe (my sister), her husband Rolando and their three children, Mon(12), Eddie(10), and Bella(2.5 who used to be known as Huggy Bear, but since she is growing older she deserves a proper name) were one family. Godiva and her husband Raul, who is Rolando's brother, and their three girls who are 7,3,&2 years old were next. Then there was myself, dh, and our three boys, Lee(16), Jason(14), and Lane (12). If you happened to be in a airport last month and noticed a loud, but cheerful, mid western group that seem to be collecting children, that was us.
We have traveled with Miss Universe and Rolando several times over the years. They have dated since they were Sophomores in High school, which was my senior year, so Rolando really is part of the family. Of all of our travel partners they are my favorite. Sure sometimes their kids get on my nerves,as I'm sure mine do hers, but that is part of being a family. We have more fun with them than we do anyone else. A big part of that is the amount of years we have spent together. One word can send us all into giggles because we were all there when so many funny stories were taking place, before they became family legend. I was looking forward to spending time with them.
Godiva I have mentioned before. She has some glaring quirks that make her a hard person to be friends with. This is not just my observation, she really has managed to make people in two counties want to avoid her. I have never been timid about befriending her though. One because we are almost family, so I better at least try, and two because I know my limits. Even under the best of circumstances I tire of people. When traveling with just my immediate family I know that after a few days I will need some time alone. Because of this personality flaw of my own I know better than to get sucked into spending all of my time with one person, making their life integral with mine. Godiva is the type that sucks her friends in to her life spending more hours a day with them than apart. She does that until she has sucked all of the energy from them and they are no longer strong enough to be her friends. I know that sounds harsh, but I swear it is no exaggeration. The thought of spending over a week straight with her had me a bit nervous.
Her children, I do love and enjoy being around, it is just a lot of work to have kids that little to care for. I was afraid thought that either Lee, or Jason, or I would be stuck babysitting. That was one thing we did not want to do on our vacation. Godiva's parenting skills can be described as lax. Her mother ran into me while we were Christmas shopping one day and mentioned that she and her husband were worried that the house we were renting had a pool. They were both concerned that Godiva didn't watch the girls close enough to be around a pool 24 hours a day. They were glad I was going to be there to help. Inside my head I screamed. This was supposed to be a vacation.
The last worry I had was the amount of theme parks everybody wanted to go to. Standing in line for hours, and trying not to lose anyone in the crowds did not have the promise of fun to me.
The last worry had the easiest solution. The five of us sat down and discussed what we really wanted to get out of this vacation. Lane wanted to ride roller coasters. We picked Universal and U.I.A. for that. We did want to go see Epcot. We all agreed on a water park, so Typhoon Lagoon was in. So while the rest of the group went to go to the other four parks we found different things to do. We went deep sea fishing. Where I had the opportunity to throw up in the Atlantic ocean. Since none of my children inherited my loathe of shopping we went to few outlet malls. We found an Indian restaurant to eat in, where dh finally admitted that he did like Indian food. Our waiter was great and helped him to choose something he would like.
This previous solution was also a solution to the Godiva problem. Since we didn't do all of the parks that they did most days we only spent the mornings and evenings together. It was the perfect mix, I really enjoyed her and her children when we were together. With so many people around the house it didn't feel like we were watching her kids too much. We did get them food now and again, and we kept them out of the pool, but it never seemed like too much.
As far as the destination went I enjoyed Orlando. It still seems like the most commercial place I have ever been. I tired of all of the gift stores, traffic, and every tourist gimmick known, but we had fun. We went to the beach one day, all fifteen of us together, and it was voted by all to be the favorite day. The day we went fishing gave us something unclaimed to look at. The ocean was restful to our eyes after all of the billboards and flashing light. By the last day, which is the day we went to Typhoon Lagoon, we were tired of theme parks. Lee chose not to go and went shopping with Godiva instead. We gave his ticket to Godiva's seven year old and took her with us. She got to ride water rides, which for her was better than shopping, and Lee came home with henna tattoos and a story about how a tiny old lady tried to sell him Salvia at the flea market.
Dh was wore out by the last day. he had not heeded my warning about taking up walking the month before we went. He was out of shape, and had sunburned the top of his feet at the beach. After having walked on them for for a full day at Epcot, the day after he had burned them, he just wanted to sit down. I found him a chair in the shade, bought him a refillable mug for pop, and left him reading his book. He moved only once that day to go to the restroom, and he tried to get me to find a way to do that for him too. If you knew dh you would be shocked by the fact that he was reading a book. It was only the third book he has read in his adult life. He is more of a t.v. and newspaper guy. We had found a super cheap book store the day we were shopping though so we had loaded up and never wanting to be left out he bought a book too. We paired the kids up and told them to go ride the rides. I spent time with Miss Universe watching Bella and reading, floating along the canal, and swimming in the wave pool. It was a relaxing day, even though it was crowded.
None of my fears came to pass. Our vacation was great. I found much of my time among the crowds picking out accents and trying to place them, I then eavesdropped to find out if I was right or not. I didn't tire of anybody on the trip, Some of them may have tired of me, but that is for them to write about.
Leading up to our trip I was a bit apprehensive about the whole thing. There were several factors contributing to my fear. They were destination, travel partners, and crowds. We had decided to go to Orlando. The only reason I had agreed to vacation there was because I had promised Curly Top I would take her to Disney world. Before I made any definite plans I called Drama Queen twice to make sure the girls would be able to go. Since she didn't see any problems I went ahead and paid for 1/3 of the house. Then when it was time to buy airline tickets she decided she didn't want to go and that she didn't want the girls to be that far away from her. I hung up the phone and cursed for at least five minutes straight. We were all angry, but there wasn't anything we could do, so we just got over it.
I am not trying to dis Florida, it is just that Orlando seems to be totally geared towards theme parks and shopping. Those are two things I tire of quickly. There are many places in Florida I would like to go spend a week at, Orlando just wasn't one of them. When I was seventeen we took our senior trip to Orlando. The only two things that screamed 'come back' to me were the beach and Typhoon Lagoon. I would have much rather stayed closer to the ocean and drove in one day for the water park.
Our group consisted of three families. Miss Universe (my sister), her husband Rolando and their three children, Mon(12), Eddie(10), and Bella(2.5 who used to be known as Huggy Bear, but since she is growing older she deserves a proper name) were one family. Godiva and her husband Raul, who is Rolando's brother, and their three girls who are 7,3,&2 years old were next. Then there was myself, dh, and our three boys, Lee(16), Jason(14), and Lane (12). If you happened to be in a airport last month and noticed a loud, but cheerful, mid western group that seem to be collecting children, that was us.
We have traveled with Miss Universe and Rolando several times over the years. They have dated since they were Sophomores in High school, which was my senior year, so Rolando really is part of the family. Of all of our travel partners they are my favorite. Sure sometimes their kids get on my nerves,as I'm sure mine do hers, but that is part of being a family. We have more fun with them than we do anyone else. A big part of that is the amount of years we have spent together. One word can send us all into giggles because we were all there when so many funny stories were taking place, before they became family legend. I was looking forward to spending time with them.
Godiva I have mentioned before. She has some glaring quirks that make her a hard person to be friends with. This is not just my observation, she really has managed to make people in two counties want to avoid her. I have never been timid about befriending her though. One because we are almost family, so I better at least try, and two because I know my limits. Even under the best of circumstances I tire of people. When traveling with just my immediate family I know that after a few days I will need some time alone. Because of this personality flaw of my own I know better than to get sucked into spending all of my time with one person, making their life integral with mine. Godiva is the type that sucks her friends in to her life spending more hours a day with them than apart. She does that until she has sucked all of the energy from them and they are no longer strong enough to be her friends. I know that sounds harsh, but I swear it is no exaggeration. The thought of spending over a week straight with her had me a bit nervous.
Her children, I do love and enjoy being around, it is just a lot of work to have kids that little to care for. I was afraid thought that either Lee, or Jason, or I would be stuck babysitting. That was one thing we did not want to do on our vacation. Godiva's parenting skills can be described as lax. Her mother ran into me while we were Christmas shopping one day and mentioned that she and her husband were worried that the house we were renting had a pool. They were both concerned that Godiva didn't watch the girls close enough to be around a pool 24 hours a day. They were glad I was going to be there to help. Inside my head I screamed. This was supposed to be a vacation.
The last worry I had was the amount of theme parks everybody wanted to go to. Standing in line for hours, and trying not to lose anyone in the crowds did not have the promise of fun to me.
The last worry had the easiest solution. The five of us sat down and discussed what we really wanted to get out of this vacation. Lane wanted to ride roller coasters. We picked Universal and U.I.A. for that. We did want to go see Epcot. We all agreed on a water park, so Typhoon Lagoon was in. So while the rest of the group went to go to the other four parks we found different things to do. We went deep sea fishing. Where I had the opportunity to throw up in the Atlantic ocean. Since none of my children inherited my loathe of shopping we went to few outlet malls. We found an Indian restaurant to eat in, where dh finally admitted that he did like Indian food. Our waiter was great and helped him to choose something he would like.
This previous solution was also a solution to the Godiva problem. Since we didn't do all of the parks that they did most days we only spent the mornings and evenings together. It was the perfect mix, I really enjoyed her and her children when we were together. With so many people around the house it didn't feel like we were watching her kids too much. We did get them food now and again, and we kept them out of the pool, but it never seemed like too much.
As far as the destination went I enjoyed Orlando. It still seems like the most commercial place I have ever been. I tired of all of the gift stores, traffic, and every tourist gimmick known, but we had fun. We went to the beach one day, all fifteen of us together, and it was voted by all to be the favorite day. The day we went fishing gave us something unclaimed to look at. The ocean was restful to our eyes after all of the billboards and flashing light. By the last day, which is the day we went to Typhoon Lagoon, we were tired of theme parks. Lee chose not to go and went shopping with Godiva instead. We gave his ticket to Godiva's seven year old and took her with us. She got to ride water rides, which for her was better than shopping, and Lee came home with henna tattoos and a story about how a tiny old lady tried to sell him Salvia at the flea market.
Dh was wore out by the last day. he had not heeded my warning about taking up walking the month before we went. He was out of shape, and had sunburned the top of his feet at the beach. After having walked on them for for a full day at Epcot, the day after he had burned them, he just wanted to sit down. I found him a chair in the shade, bought him a refillable mug for pop, and left him reading his book. He moved only once that day to go to the restroom, and he tried to get me to find a way to do that for him too. If you knew dh you would be shocked by the fact that he was reading a book. It was only the third book he has read in his adult life. He is more of a t.v. and newspaper guy. We had found a super cheap book store the day we were shopping though so we had loaded up and never wanting to be left out he bought a book too. We paired the kids up and told them to go ride the rides. I spent time with Miss Universe watching Bella and reading, floating along the canal, and swimming in the wave pool. It was a relaxing day, even though it was crowded.
None of my fears came to pass. Our vacation was great. I found much of my time among the crowds picking out accents and trying to place them, I then eavesdropped to find out if I was right or not. I didn't tire of anybody on the trip, Some of them may have tired of me, but that is for them to write about.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Thanksgiving has came and went. It left a huge mess in its wake. My dishes may never get done. Everyday I wash enough to feel like I am ahead, then by the end of the day I am behind again. You can see we aren't one of those families that run in and clean up right after the meal. That would be wasting precious game playing time.
My first trip to Wichita was great. My brother and I talked the whole way there and back. We didn't turn the radio on once. We only spent an hour in Wichita since I wanted to get home to start baking, and he can't sleep in other peoples houses very well anyway. I am glad he went with me, because he kept me from stewing all the way there. Really I can't remember what we talked about, but by the time we reached Drama Queen's apartment I wasn't bitter at all, and my weepiness was gone. Thank goodness, I had already had an embarrassing moment in the library when I teared up for no reason at all.
Saturday Fria chica and I drove the girls back to Wichita. We stayed the night so that we could get up the next day and get ice cream. The book store is across from the ice cream shop so of course we went there next. Surprisingly, I was very good and didn't buy any books for myself. I picked one up for my brother and a few for the kids and that was it. At Chelmsford Teas I picked up a carton of chai seasoning and some orange green tea for my brother. Then I was overwhelmed and couldn't resist trying something new so I bought two oz. of Windsor Castle for myself. Those books are the only Christmas shopping I have done yet.
As I was leaving Wichita the second time it hit me again that somehow Drama Queen brings out the best and the worst in me. When I am around her I want to gather up all of the pieces of her life, fix them, and hand them back to her in a neat package. There is no end to the amount of help I want to give her. I want so much for her to be happy and fulfilled. At the same time I never find myself being so judgmental as I do when I am around her. Really one of the things I try to do is not to judge people, but to accept them as whole people whatever their flaws instead of labeling them good or bad. Yet I walk in and count the empty beer bottles and add them to her list of errors. When she talks about her life I smile and listen but inside my head I snort and wonder how long it will be until she fucks it up. I am not proud of myself for this and someday hope to change this terrible trait.
My first trip to Wichita was great. My brother and I talked the whole way there and back. We didn't turn the radio on once. We only spent an hour in Wichita since I wanted to get home to start baking, and he can't sleep in other peoples houses very well anyway. I am glad he went with me, because he kept me from stewing all the way there. Really I can't remember what we talked about, but by the time we reached Drama Queen's apartment I wasn't bitter at all, and my weepiness was gone. Thank goodness, I had already had an embarrassing moment in the library when I teared up for no reason at all.
Saturday Fria chica and I drove the girls back to Wichita. We stayed the night so that we could get up the next day and get ice cream. The book store is across from the ice cream shop so of course we went there next. Surprisingly, I was very good and didn't buy any books for myself. I picked one up for my brother and a few for the kids and that was it. At Chelmsford Teas I picked up a carton of chai seasoning and some orange green tea for my brother. Then I was overwhelmed and couldn't resist trying something new so I bought two oz. of Windsor Castle for myself. Those books are the only Christmas shopping I have done yet.
As I was leaving Wichita the second time it hit me again that somehow Drama Queen brings out the best and the worst in me. When I am around her I want to gather up all of the pieces of her life, fix them, and hand them back to her in a neat package. There is no end to the amount of help I want to give her. I want so much for her to be happy and fulfilled. At the same time I never find myself being so judgmental as I do when I am around her. Really one of the things I try to do is not to judge people, but to accept them as whole people whatever their flaws instead of labeling them good or bad. Yet I walk in and count the empty beer bottles and add them to her list of errors. When she talks about her life I smile and listen but inside my head I snort and wonder how long it will be until she fucks it up. I am not proud of myself for this and someday hope to change this terrible trait.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Plans are changed
An odd turn of events has given me tomorrow off as well. Now what? I felt like here was God daring me. I said I was just upset because I couldn't see the girls, that I wasn't twelve and wouldn't act like it by being hateful to my sister, but how would I act. It was very hard to swallow my pride, call my sister and ask if I could come and get the girls tonight. I did it though, and she was very nice. She always is when she is getting her own way. It grinds on me that she is getting everything just how she wanted it after throwing a fit. However, I can't wait to see those girls and I will give in for them. I am still crying, and trying like anything to stop before the boys get out of school.
My brother called and sounded like he was in a very good mood. This was a little surprising because this morning my mother had told me he wasn't planning on coming over for Thanksgiving dinner. This is odd, since, like me, he loves the holidays. I have a feeling he was reacting to her just the way I was reacting to Drama Queen, all of our faults are genetic from one source or the other. It turns out Fria Chica talked to him before I did and had smoothed things out a little. This could be a very emotional Thanksgiving. As I was typing that I had a nice thought, so I took a break. I called my brother back and he is going to run to Wichita with me. The only problem is that right before that I was thinking of buying his Christmas present while we were there.
My brother called and sounded like he was in a very good mood. This was a little surprising because this morning my mother had told me he wasn't planning on coming over for Thanksgiving dinner. This is odd, since, like me, he loves the holidays. I have a feeling he was reacting to her just the way I was reacting to Drama Queen, all of our faults are genetic from one source or the other. It turns out Fria Chica talked to him before I did and had smoothed things out a little. This could be a very emotional Thanksgiving. As I was typing that I had a nice thought, so I took a break. I called my brother back and he is going to run to Wichita with me. The only problem is that right before that I was thinking of buying his Christmas present while we were there.
I can't quit crying
I am dangerously far behind on my nano novel. Last night I stayed up late and wrote five thousand words. So if this post seems extra wordy I apologize. Once you get used to making every sentence as long as possible it is hard to stop.
When I did go to bed I couldn't sleep. Not many nights in my adult life have been spent staying up and worrying. I am a champion sleeper. All of the nights that have been have spent awake have been attributed to Drama Queen. Last night was no exception.
For over a week the plan has been for me to drive to Wichita Monday night and bring the girls home Tuesday. They were going to spend Thanksgiving with us and then I would take them home on Saturday. I didn't realize the depth of my missing those girls until the day kept getting closer to seeing them again. I was like a school child in May. I couldn't sit still and smiled at the thought of seeing them again. Some days I could feel their arms around my neck.
More than one person had asked if they were out of school on Tuesday, or if they were just skipping it. As far as I knew they were just skipping it. Looking at our schedules Drama Queen and I had picked out a day that I didn't work and that coincided with her work schedule so she wouldn't have to pay a babysitter this week. She is having babysitter trouble again, and they are always hard to find on holidays. Since she didn't raise any objections to the missed school day I didn't bring it up. The benefits outweighed the missed day as far as I was concerned, and it was the only day I could make the drive.
I had to work Monday. After work I drove quickly to the school to catch the last half of Lee's scholar's bowl meet. When it was over I ran home make a pot of tea and eat a quick waffle for supper. The waffles were left over from Sunday's breakfast. I covered it with strawberry syrup, whipped cream, and mixed berries. You can never go wrong with a Belgian waffle. While I was eating I called Fria Chica to see if she was still going with me. She was. I called Drama Queen to tell her what time I was leaving, and that I would be arriving around midnight.
She seemed surprised. Somehow she had completely forgot our last conversation and thought I was coming Tuesday. I told her there was no way I was going to drive four hours Tuesday morning, then turn around and drive home the same day. Especially with Fria Chica and the baby. Fria Chica had said she wanted to go because Drama Queen has never got to see the baby, but that she didn't want to keep him in a car seat for eight hours in one day. She was only going if we spent the night.
I have made the trip by myself many times. I kind of enjoy the time to think, so if Fria Chica decided not to go it wasn't a big deal to me, but she really wanted to go. Tuesday is my only day off this week, except for Thanksgiving day, so I told Drama Queen it had to be Monday night like we decided. She called me selfish and rude. Whenever I tried to talk she just yelled more insults over my voice. When I did get a chance to talk I probably said the wrong things. Anyway the whole mess ended with her hanging up on me and sending me hateful text messages. I think she likes conversations like that better, because she likes them to be one sided.
Right now the phone is ringing and I am ignoring it. My mother is calling again. She can't stand going to work when there might be some drama going on, so she is at home trying to meddle. She wants to see the girls, but only if I drive up and get them. She mentioned several times last night that she would go today, except she has to work. I have already talked to her this morning, once was enough. She made sure to point out that she wanted to see them at Christmastime, and that Drama Queen said I could come up and get them the day after Christmas. It was really a one sided conversation, because I have nothing more to say on the matter. Last night she wanted to trash Drama Queen and call her a drunk. Today she has talked to D.Q. and wants to discuss the whole situation with me, explain D.Q.'s side of it to me. I've heard, I've read it, I'm done with it. I just don't have the energy. Last night I was upset, but I didn't want to sit around and trash D.Q. It wouldn't make me feel better. Today I just don't have the energy to do anything more than cry and sleep. I am forcing myself to get a few things done, but it is very hard.
Depression is a family trait, but I have been afflicted very little in comparison with most of siblings. My depression is usually started by an event like this. Once I get down it is so hard to get back up again, but I usually bounce back in a few days.
I say usually, because once it did take me six months to pull out of the funk. I slept ten hours a night and took at least one nap during the day. When I fell asleep while stretched out on the floor, reading a book to Lane, I told myself this is enough. It still took me several months to get back to normal, but I did get back. I credit reading to pulling me out.
It was a point when my children were still young, but I had a bit more free time. If you are not careful at this point you will assess your life, and you may find a lack. I did, but I couldn't quite figure out what was missing. I wanted to run away from home. There was a need to be myself. My brother gave me a gift. It was Bella Tuscany by Frances Mayes.
After Lee was born my life became about him. Then Jason came, two years later Lane was born. Until that year, when Lane was four, my life was full of them. I'm not complaining I loved it. Then suddenly there was a little space and I couldn't remember how to fill myself up. It had been too long since I had done it. I didn't even know who I was. The lost feeling overwhelmed me.
As I read first this book, and then more books, I started to remember who I was. I also began to grow again as a person. My children are still the most important aspect of my life, but they are who they are, and I am myself.
Right now I am a woman who misses her nieces so much. I am a woman who is wondering if she is doing the right think by not jumping in her car and driving to get them right now. All morning I have questioned my resolve to not be bullied. It has taken me many years to learn not give in to pressure when I know I am right, but part of me wants to chuck all of that and call, apologize, and drive to get them. Even if I have to give up things important to me, and go to work tomorrow with no sleep.
When I did go to bed I couldn't sleep. Not many nights in my adult life have been spent staying up and worrying. I am a champion sleeper. All of the nights that have been have spent awake have been attributed to Drama Queen. Last night was no exception.
For over a week the plan has been for me to drive to Wichita Monday night and bring the girls home Tuesday. They were going to spend Thanksgiving with us and then I would take them home on Saturday. I didn't realize the depth of my missing those girls until the day kept getting closer to seeing them again. I was like a school child in May. I couldn't sit still and smiled at the thought of seeing them again. Some days I could feel their arms around my neck.
More than one person had asked if they were out of school on Tuesday, or if they were just skipping it. As far as I knew they were just skipping it. Looking at our schedules Drama Queen and I had picked out a day that I didn't work and that coincided with her work schedule so she wouldn't have to pay a babysitter this week. She is having babysitter trouble again, and they are always hard to find on holidays. Since she didn't raise any objections to the missed school day I didn't bring it up. The benefits outweighed the missed day as far as I was concerned, and it was the only day I could make the drive.
I had to work Monday. After work I drove quickly to the school to catch the last half of Lee's scholar's bowl meet. When it was over I ran home make a pot of tea and eat a quick waffle for supper. The waffles were left over from Sunday's breakfast. I covered it with strawberry syrup, whipped cream, and mixed berries. You can never go wrong with a Belgian waffle. While I was eating I called Fria Chica to see if she was still going with me. She was. I called Drama Queen to tell her what time I was leaving, and that I would be arriving around midnight.
She seemed surprised. Somehow she had completely forgot our last conversation and thought I was coming Tuesday. I told her there was no way I was going to drive four hours Tuesday morning, then turn around and drive home the same day. Especially with Fria Chica and the baby. Fria Chica had said she wanted to go because Drama Queen has never got to see the baby, but that she didn't want to keep him in a car seat for eight hours in one day. She was only going if we spent the night.
I have made the trip by myself many times. I kind of enjoy the time to think, so if Fria Chica decided not to go it wasn't a big deal to me, but she really wanted to go. Tuesday is my only day off this week, except for Thanksgiving day, so I told Drama Queen it had to be Monday night like we decided. She called me selfish and rude. Whenever I tried to talk she just yelled more insults over my voice. When I did get a chance to talk I probably said the wrong things. Anyway the whole mess ended with her hanging up on me and sending me hateful text messages. I think she likes conversations like that better, because she likes them to be one sided.
Right now the phone is ringing and I am ignoring it. My mother is calling again. She can't stand going to work when there might be some drama going on, so she is at home trying to meddle. She wants to see the girls, but only if I drive up and get them. She mentioned several times last night that she would go today, except she has to work. I have already talked to her this morning, once was enough. She made sure to point out that she wanted to see them at Christmastime, and that Drama Queen said I could come up and get them the day after Christmas. It was really a one sided conversation, because I have nothing more to say on the matter. Last night she wanted to trash Drama Queen and call her a drunk. Today she has talked to D.Q. and wants to discuss the whole situation with me, explain D.Q.'s side of it to me. I've heard, I've read it, I'm done with it. I just don't have the energy. Last night I was upset, but I didn't want to sit around and trash D.Q. It wouldn't make me feel better. Today I just don't have the energy to do anything more than cry and sleep. I am forcing myself to get a few things done, but it is very hard.
Depression is a family trait, but I have been afflicted very little in comparison with most of siblings. My depression is usually started by an event like this. Once I get down it is so hard to get back up again, but I usually bounce back in a few days.
I say usually, because once it did take me six months to pull out of the funk. I slept ten hours a night and took at least one nap during the day. When I fell asleep while stretched out on the floor, reading a book to Lane, I told myself this is enough. It still took me several months to get back to normal, but I did get back. I credit reading to pulling me out.
It was a point when my children were still young, but I had a bit more free time. If you are not careful at this point you will assess your life, and you may find a lack. I did, but I couldn't quite figure out what was missing. I wanted to run away from home. There was a need to be myself. My brother gave me a gift. It was Bella Tuscany by Frances Mayes.
After Lee was born my life became about him. Then Jason came, two years later Lane was born. Until that year, when Lane was four, my life was full of them. I'm not complaining I loved it. Then suddenly there was a little space and I couldn't remember how to fill myself up. It had been too long since I had done it. I didn't even know who I was. The lost feeling overwhelmed me.
As I read first this book, and then more books, I started to remember who I was. I also began to grow again as a person. My children are still the most important aspect of my life, but they are who they are, and I am myself.
Right now I am a woman who misses her nieces so much. I am a woman who is wondering if she is doing the right think by not jumping in her car and driving to get them right now. All morning I have questioned my resolve to not be bullied. It has taken me many years to learn not give in to pressure when I know I am right, but part of me wants to chuck all of that and call, apologize, and drive to get them. Even if I have to give up things important to me, and go to work tomorrow with no sleep.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
It has been over a month
You may notice that by now it has been two months. I started this post August and never came back to it.
My life seems to be settling into a routine. The two weeks of training that came with my new are over. The first week was in Wichita. They would have paid for me to stay in a hotel for a week, but instead I took Lee and Lane with me and we stayed with Drama Queen. Jason stayed home for weightlifting and football practice, at thirteen he is all about sports.
Drama queen arranged to work almost every night we were there. She is saving up for a car and a few nights to work without having to pay a babysitter were a help. We had an enjoyable week. I was afraid the small, two bedroom apartment would start to feel crowded after a couple of days, but it really didn't. The six of us seemed to all be able to find enough space. On one of the last nights we were there Drama Queen didn't work. She sat outside on the balcony, drank a few beers, smoked plenty of cigs, and listened to music. At one point she came in to replenish her supplies and started laughing at us. Lane, Lee, and I all had a book light hooked onto our books and were laying around reading. I heard her boyfriend show up as I was drifting off to sleep. They either kept the noise level down or I was extremely tired, because I slept soundly all night. I wasn't annoyed at all until I went to get my yogurt out of the fridge for breakfast only to find it had been set out to make room for beer. The most annoying part was that they could have just shoved it onto another shelf, there was room. Or maybe they were just trying to help me overcome my yogurt addiction. I had to pause in the typing of that sentence to go grab a peach yogurt.
Two evenings Lane and the girls talked me into taking them to the apartment swimming pool. I love to swim so the first night they didn't have to talk very hard, but the second night I could remember how bad the pool water tasted and smelled. It really tasted like ass. Lane's eyes burned for a couple of hours after swimming the night before, but I took them anyway. After that second night I found other things to do. The day after we were back home that same murky pool was in the news. A five year old boy had drowned, and the poor water quality was being blamed. The little boy was at the bottom of the deep end and because of lack of visibility it took them five minutes to find his body.
My next week of training was in Liberal. Again they offered to put me up in a hotel, but it is just a forty-five minute drive. I picked up Islands in the Stream on cd for the driving time. While I enjoyed my training, I am glad it is over so my life can start to develop some sort of rythym.
My life seems to be settling into a routine. The two weeks of training that came with my new are over. The first week was in Wichita. They would have paid for me to stay in a hotel for a week, but instead I took Lee and Lane with me and we stayed with Drama Queen. Jason stayed home for weightlifting and football practice, at thirteen he is all about sports.
Drama queen arranged to work almost every night we were there. She is saving up for a car and a few nights to work without having to pay a babysitter were a help. We had an enjoyable week. I was afraid the small, two bedroom apartment would start to feel crowded after a couple of days, but it really didn't. The six of us seemed to all be able to find enough space. On one of the last nights we were there Drama Queen didn't work. She sat outside on the balcony, drank a few beers, smoked plenty of cigs, and listened to music. At one point she came in to replenish her supplies and started laughing at us. Lane, Lee, and I all had a book light hooked onto our books and were laying around reading. I heard her boyfriend show up as I was drifting off to sleep. They either kept the noise level down or I was extremely tired, because I slept soundly all night. I wasn't annoyed at all until I went to get my yogurt out of the fridge for breakfast only to find it had been set out to make room for beer. The most annoying part was that they could have just shoved it onto another shelf, there was room. Or maybe they were just trying to help me overcome my yogurt addiction. I had to pause in the typing of that sentence to go grab a peach yogurt.
Two evenings Lane and the girls talked me into taking them to the apartment swimming pool. I love to swim so the first night they didn't have to talk very hard, but the second night I could remember how bad the pool water tasted and smelled. It really tasted like ass. Lane's eyes burned for a couple of hours after swimming the night before, but I took them anyway. After that second night I found other things to do. The day after we were back home that same murky pool was in the news. A five year old boy had drowned, and the poor water quality was being blamed. The little boy was at the bottom of the deep end and because of lack of visibility it took them five minutes to find his body.
My next week of training was in Liberal. Again they offered to put me up in a hotel, but it is just a forty-five minute drive. I picked up Islands in the Stream on cd for the driving time. While I enjoyed my training, I am glad it is over so my life can start to develop some sort of rythym.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
A couple of unrelated thoughts
This time last year I was talked into trying for a job in the Elk. office if an opening came up. I was lukewarm on the idea at the time, but after a year of fermenting the idea has started to sound really good. Thursday I found out that I will be interviewed, eventually. I swear, they expect me to complete my work in double time and they take months to do anything. The problem is the lady doing the hiring, who I really like and would enjoy working with, is choosing between me, one of her good friends, and the daughter of another one of her good friends. My chances aren't looking too good are they?
Tuesday night Miss Universe and I went to Wichita to pick up Princess and Curly top. I have been working so much I haven't really spent much time with them. Even so I am glad they are here for the few hours a day we do get to spend together. Drama Queen has put me through a roller coaster of emotions over the last two years. From what I saw of her this week I'm afraid she is starting up for another ride. I don't know if I have the strength. My emotions have went from worry, to fear, to anger, to empathy, to hope, to pride, to joy. I am back at worry and wondering how to jump the tracks.
Tuesday night Miss Universe and I went to Wichita to pick up Princess and Curly top. I have been working so much I haven't really spent much time with them. Even so I am glad they are here for the few hours a day we do get to spend together. Drama Queen has put me through a roller coaster of emotions over the last two years. From what I saw of her this week I'm afraid she is starting up for another ride. I don't know if I have the strength. My emotions have went from worry, to fear, to anger, to empathy, to hope, to pride, to joy. I am back at worry and wondering how to jump the tracks.
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