Friday, June 04, 2010

So far so good

I was worried about the temptation to drink at events. These are days when I know I am going to have a drink or two because everybody around me will be drinking too. Two have passed by so far and they have been easy. Two graduation parties on the same weekend flew by with me having no problem saying no. A softball tournament came and went without the thought of beer crossing my mind. This year may be harder than I expected.
You see it was the big events that I expected to give me trouble. Mentally I had prepared myself for them and was ready. Surprisingly it has been normal spring evenings that have been tempting me. After a long day of hauling dirt up ladders to finish my living roof I had a pounding heat headache. The thought of a cold beer seemed lovely. After a evening of planting herbs the red sunset brought to mind a glass of Merlot with Anna. I find myself socializing less. The ritual of a drink or two always called for a friend, now when I dismiss the plot of relaxing over alcohol I also toss away the idea of sitting with a friend. I am going to have to do something about that.

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

Luckily the years are flying by

The Friday before Mother's day dh asked if I wanted to go out for Chinese food for Mother's day. I agreed. Then he added that first we had to drive to Woods to pick up a lawn mower, and that another couple were going to join us. While driving back towards the restaurant Anna called to ask if I was coming to her party that evening. I had forgot about the damn thing. She was hosting a party for some scented product for the home. My home always smells like dirty teenage feet, no matter how many products I use. I told her I would be there, but that I would be late. After we ate I informed the other lady, who I do not know very well yet, that I was taking her with me to drink. And drink we did. She had to run/walk a 3k the next morning and I hear that her question as she collapsed at the finish line was "Do I smell like vodka?"
I woke the next morning and while still lying in bed I felt pretty good. I felt at peace like I had gotten a reprieve from the stress of everyday life. Going over the night before in my head it occurred to me that  I was beginning to have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. Like many teenagers I drank too much on the weekends, then I went shifted to rarely drinking when my children were young. Now that they are older I drink once or twice a month and that hasn't changed. What has changed is the way I drink.  My rule had always been drink my first one at a normal speed, nurse my second one, then have a glass of water, repeat through the night. Somewhere along the way I have dropped that rule. I have been speed drinking with the intent of drunkenness. Dressed and ready for my day I feel ok. I arrived at work early. Five minutes later I was throwing up and felt like I might die. Somehow I struggle through the work day and then retire to my room for the rest of the day. Sunday morning I drove to Liberal to do my grocery shopping. Smiling and cheerful I walked through stores greeting everyone I met. Humanity looked lovely to me, beauty was evident in every rough face I found. For some inexplicable reason I am happier and feel better about life on Earth after a night of excess.
That was the problem with my drinking habit, I was using it for stress relief. Had it been working I would just stick with it, but I was feeling more stressed than ever these days, so it was time for a change. I am sticking with my promise to abstain from drinking until next mothers day. In this year I plan to find better ways of dealing with the stress of everyday life.