Tuesday, December 19, 2017

Sharing children, a picture of me pouting

Last night I drove my babies to their mom so she could spend some time with them.  The plan was that she would keep them until Saturday, drive to my house, we would do Christmas on Christmas eve and she would drive home on Christmas. Driving on Christmas sucks, I know, but she had to work the day after Christmas and did not have a baby sitter. I was excited about having the kids for Christmas. I have had them for most of their childhood and for all of their Christmases. The same is true of their older sisters.

While we were switching out their car seats my sister told us, Ramona was with me, that she was not coming down for Christmas. She has to work the day after and cannot afford the drive now, because she spent all of her money on presents for the kids. This is not unusual. She has never been good at managing her money. She gets excited and goes shopping and then can not afford necessities. That is one of the reasons I have her kids so often. She has rarely been able to budget for daycare, but she can always afford cigarettes and beer.  I was hurt and angry when I heard this, but I just finished putting in the car seats, which is a job I hate, buckled the kids in, said my goodbyes and drove the 2.5 hours home.

My sister never intended for me to raise her children. She loves them and wants to raise them, she just struggles with the day to day parts of it. She is great at buying gifts, taking them to concerts, Disney on ice, taking pictures, all of the really fun parts of being a mother. It is in those in-between weeks, when kids just want to play outside, or have fun that she struggles. She spends too much time ruminating about her life, about how other people have wronged her to focus on the much more important time at hand. I cannot say I am not unhappy about this. Sure, I wish she would be healthier mentally and be happy, but I have loved the time with her kids.

Once she became pregnant she quit drinking. I am always proud of how quickly she just quits when she is pregnant; I have seen other addicts unable to do that.  Now that she has quit drinking she wants to get her life together and have the kids move back in with her. She kept them for six weeks this summer because Beezus went to stay with her and babysit. When Big Mac came home he was a little more clingy. I think he had felt a little abandoned by me. That is my biggest worry. Mac is all sunshine and smiles. He loves to take my hand and run through the yard. I worry that we are damaging him, by the long periods away from me, because he does think of my as his primary caregiver. Yesterday, he would not let Ramona put him in his car seat. She came in to and told me that he was afraid I was not going so he would not get in. I went out and buckled him, he gladly got in once he knew we were all going.  When I had buckled him in the second time, in his mom's car, he was fine until I said goodbye, then he started screaming. He was still screaming when I left. It broke my heart.

I realize that this is what many divorced families go through and that most kids do deal with it in time, but I hate it. That is one of the reasons I decided to stay married to the boys' father for so many years. I did not want to share holidays or have them leave me for weekends. Childhood is short and I wanted to be selfish with theirs. I really did love the time spent raising my boys, and maybe I am using this bonus time with Mac and Madds to relive it.

I started the drive hurt. I was crying. I could not believe she was being so insensitive to me. I felt that after all of the help I gave her it was a slap in the face to promise Christmas until I took her the kids, than to take it away without a thought. I felt like just quitting. I do not have to come running when she needs help. I could not answer my phone and let her work out raising children on her own. Then I progressed in my pity and wanted to run away from everybody and live as a hermit. That wiser part of me was listening to this and saying things like, 'you are just angry because you are hurt.' and 'how will this help Mac with dealing with this.' I also know that my sister does not hurt me on purpose. She is more considerate of my feelings, than she is of most peoples. She just does not have it in her to consider most peoples' feelings at all. By the last hour of the drive I was more reasonable. I know that I will continue to help raise these kids, because I love them. I will do it on their mom's terms because I have no legal rights. I also know it will turn out ok because I have been through this all before. The hurt, anger, tears, and resolving to do what is best for the kids, is all part of helping to raise other peoples children. It turned out well with Beezus and Ramona, it will be just fine this time. To be honest, I will take all the in-between days of playing, eating, hugging, and normal childhood days over the Holidays. Those in-between days are when childhood happens.