Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Thanksgiving is over and Christmas begins. We put our tree up on Friday, but still have not added any decorations to it other than white lights and an angel for the top. Curly top, who is living with her mom and grandma, told them that today that she wanted to come over to my house because it is Christmas here but not at there house yet. (They haven't put up a tree)

Being an opinionated person it is odd when I realize there are some things I haven't made up my mind about yet. I was walking home from work a little after five yesterday afternoon. Looking up I saw a beautiful silver half-moon in the middle of the sky. The sun was a bright orange disk four fingers above the western horizon. Together with the bare trees against the blue sky they made a breath taking picture. I was crunching leaves under my feet as I walked and thought "I love the earth." my mind made an unexpected turn and thought "I wonder if animals ever stop and think that or if that is what sets humans apart? Do fleas ever stop and think I love this dog?" At this point I was reminded of a cartoon I loved as a child. There was a flea holding a sign that said 'the end of the dog is coming' I thought, "how odd it would be to live on a world that really does have an ending point like a dog." Sunday school lessons ran through my head."Oh crap." I thought "I am supposed to believe the world is ending."I know as a christian I should believe the world as we know will end someday. Although the Bible does not say the world will be destroyed it mentions a second heaven coming down to a second earth. So even Bible literalists should not expect the world to be completely destroyed. What do I think though? I do not know. I love Anne Lamott's book Travelling Mercies; Some thoughts of Faith. At one point in it she is sitting by a man on a plane who is reading a book from the Left Behind series. He asks if she is a believer and she answers something to the effect that she is not that type of a christian. I don't know that I buy the whole armageddon theory. My thoughts about God always center on love and acceptance. Who could respect a god who would torture good people for eternity simply because they do not believe in him? My mind is still in a muddle about it. Maybe I don't have to decide, it won't really affect the outcome now will it?

Fundraisers and stay-at-home mothers.

Where to start...

If I didn't have so many thoughts about myself to post I would a do a what I'm thankful for post. I am reserving the right to do one in the future. I just sent in my Lee's application for a Lead America conference. If everything goes right I am committing to come up with $5,254 to send him to study abroad in Europe for two weeks. That is very scary, especially since he was pre-accepted and sent an invitation.
I made a decision years ago to be a stay-at-home mom. Like most women I knew that this would have it's benefits and it's drawbacks. The major benefits have been that I was able to enjoy watching my children grow everyday. I breastfed without the hassle of a pump. I was one of the few parents in the nearly empty row of seats when the school had an award program in the middle of the day. Not once have I regretted the decision. Even now if I could do it over I would not change that. (There are plenty of things I would change though-that crazy perm in '93 for one)
Today though I am facing one of the drawbacks. Opportunities cost money. Financially things would have been less tight with another full time income. Over the years I have had several part time jobs. For seven years I ran an in home daycare. Now that is a job with a major burn out factor. I do work part time now and am very lucky to be able to commit most of my income to this project. While thinking about this problem tonight I have admitted to myself one thing that I would not have been brave enough to admit three years ago.
I have tried to never critcize a mother for making a different decision than I have. All families are the different, as are all people. I donated free childcare to two of my sisters so they could go to school and become working mothers. They made the right decisions for themselves and their families. I respect that. Even with this respect for working mothers it has only been in the last few years that I have broached the subject that I did not make my decision only because it was what I thought was best for my kids but also because of my inability to be a working mother.
On some dirty diaper changing afternoons I daydreamed about being at the office ready to pick my boys up. They would run out to meet me full of smiles. Making it look easy, I would balance everything beautifully. My pump would be in the car full of healthy breastmilk. Supper would be in the crockpot. Of course I could do it. I just chose not to.
It takes a special kind of person to balance a full time job and children. I know now that I am not one of those special people. I have had two different opportunities to play at working full time lately. Those two times have taught me that I do not have the energy to handle both a career and my family. Either my children or my job would have suffered, maybe both. That is humbling to think about.
Back to Lee's trip. The two of us are brainstorming about ways to raise part of the money. Any creative ideas?

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Life is hectic

Between Sunday and Thursday of last week I drove 1,005 miles. Never have I been one of those people who loves to drive, not even as a teenager. The pasenger seat is just fine for me. Driving that many miles you would have thought I went somewhere grand. No, everday I was never more than 240 miles away from home. I just made a trip everyday to a different spot in Kansas. On Saturday we went to Woodward, OK. To visit dh's family for the holiday. Thankfully I did not have to drive.
My nano novel is way behind, I have almost resigned to not finishing this year. A small part of me is holding out hope, but that part of me is crazy. I am at 14,368 words and have nine days to get to 50,00. My house is also trashed and needs to be cleaned by Thansgiving. I am going to keep going on it to see how far I get, but I don't think it is going to happen this year.
This year I decided I would not run the Skating Rink. That is one decision I have not been regretting. Every Friday night I smile knowing I don't have to make chili and go supervise a mob of children. One high school boy made me feel good yesterday though. I was talking to a friend who teaches at the high school during her free period and did not make my escape before the next class arrived. He walked in and said he was upset with me. Of course I inquired about why. It was because I had quit and now the current manager was not near as good as I was. Ahhh. Not working though, I love having me weekends back.
I entertained myself with a dilema all week only to find out there was no dilema. A job for city clerk opened up in town. I applied because this was a part time job with insurance, which neither of my current jobs have. The only drawback is that I really like the job I would have to quit to make this one work. I have some issues with my boss, but they aren't that big of a deal. Also the room for advancement is greater at the job I would have to quit. I applied then found out they had changed the job description and now it was less hours and no benifits. I was happy they did not choose me because I would have felt bad telling them thanks, but no thanks.

Has anyone else switched over to the new blog format? I almost did but wanted to find out what kind of results everybody else was getting.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

more randomness

The idea of a cohesive post on one subject is gone for now.

I lost a post again yesterday because of the spell check problem. I knew I shouldn't have tried again, but those little things like the missing t on thought a few posts back drive me crazy. Obviously I suck at proof reading.

Talked to my sister yesterday. I am cofident she has given up pot for the baby. She has been being so good giving up cigarettes and pop for the kid so I was shocked to hear her remark on pot. She has given that up too.

I am starting to get excited about Christmas. Some years it doesn't hit me until the twentieth of
December. Not this year. I aready have my Celtic Carols cd playing.

My nano novel is way behind. I'm at 9,768 words. To be on schedule I need to be at 15,003 by tonight. Yikes, that is 5235 words.

Is randomness a word?

Tuesday, November 07, 2006


Oh yes, remember to vote today!!!

20 things to get before your 40.

I just picked my jaw up off of the floor. My sister and her boyfriend believe that smoking pot while pregnant does not harm the baby and is actually good for circulation. Now I have not researched this so my uninformed opinion is WTF? Non-pregnant people smoke all of the pot you want, but when you are pregnant take a nine month break.

Shopping for curtains yesterday blew. I wanted roman shades, there were none. Much to family's distress I am waiting to buy any until I visit an urban area with more selection. I did however get a new sofa off of lay-a-way. Never in my life have I been able to buy a new sofa. So when I did finally get to go shopping for one two months ago I went a little crazy. One, a modern looking olive green sectional, was brought straight home. The more victorian cream one with a paisley pattern had to wait. These two do not match at all, but I loved the cream one and the green one was sensible. I am just hoping they learn to play nice in there together.

Msn has a list 20 things to get before your forty. What the heck, I'll be forty in a seven years, so I read it. What crap. Who put this together, high end retailers? A good cause and a mammogram were the only two I agreed with. So what would my list look like? I have not put much thought into this yet so it may get revised, but here we go.

1. Mammogram-breast cancer is not something to play around with.
2. A good cause-At least one, remember we are changing the world.
3. One good feminsist book-you don't have to agree with every word just read it.
4. A nice set of sheets-we spend more time in our beds than in clothes.
5. A sport-Physical fitness is easier to stick to if it is fun.
6. Friends-You can't have too many.
7. Some time alone-Learn to enjoy your own company.
8. Recipes-Have a couple of foolproof recipes to impress your friends.
9. A hobby-find something you love to do just for yourself.
10.A nest egg-Let's not work forever.
11.A foriegn language-Your never too old to learn
12.A sense of humor- Life is just going to get funnier, learn to laugh at it.
13.A healthier eating plan-Fiber anyone?
14.An herb garden-They can be peaceful, playful, or just functional.
15.Comfortable shoes-Don't torture your feet for fashion.
16.A reliable car-By this age we deserve it.
17.Get rid of one fear-Experience the thrill of conquering a fear.
18.A good mixed cd-To cheer you up on the harder days.
19.Better family relationships-It is time to let the past go, work things out.
20.Love-A pet, a child, a friend, a mate, yourself, a houseplant, love something unconditionally

That was harder than I expected. 21-help making lists.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Random thoughts

I haven't disappeared, not intentionally anyway. Twice I have tried to post and both times my computer froze up at the spellchecking part. I am not the best speller, but I am not risking it tonight. I think the problem has something to do with my pop up blocker. Well here are some random thoughts.
My two weeks of work turned into the rest of the month, which then turned into until the fourth. I am so glad that is over. Full time working mothers I have the utmost respect for you. Trying to get everything done was killing me.

We had a great Halloween. It is one of my favorite holidays. I am one of those people who love most holidays though so it is really hard to pick a favorite. Of course being morally against Valantines day narrows it down a bit. I made Curly Top an adorable mermaid costume. She has been saying for weeks she is going to be a mermaid when she grows up. Which is great because she has been bummed out every since one of her babysitters in Wichita told her she could not be a princess when she grew up since her mother was not a queen. I guess the old bat has never heard of Monoco. Princess wanted to be a Fairy Princess with a long dress. Here train ended up dragging three feet behind her. She loved it. I did not get to go to the spook parade, stupid job, but they had fun. Drama Queen and I dressed up as bank robbers, black clothes and stockings over our heads, and took them trick-or-treating. We had a blast.

November is Nanowrimo month. Today is the fifth day so to stay on schedule I needed to be at around 8300 words by tonight. I started the day with somewhere around 750 words. I am up to
4487 words now and calling it a night. Last year my story just rolled along. I was getting worried this year because I seemed to be fighting to pull every sentence out. Some time this afternoon the block cleared and now it is going great. My mind keeps jumping ahead to characters who will show up in later chapters.

There was a tragedy with last years story though. I knew I needed to back it up and just never got arond to buying any cd's. The computer did something goofy the other day, and to fix it Lee decided to reboot. He told me about it and I didn't think anything about it for a few days. Then suddenly it hit me, my story. The worst part is that I had not opened it at all from the end of November until the middle of September. I was afraid it would really suck and scare me off this year. Instead I found I was liking it. As soon as I was done editing it I was planning to print it off and let my kids and a couple of friends read it. Is there anyway to get it back or is it gone forever? I am kind of embarrassed to say this but I actually had to fight back tears when I realized it was gone.

My baby sister is pregnant. At first I though no way she is too young. Then I realized she was twenty-four. Six years older than I was when Lee was born.

Jason told me a few months ago that he thought he was falling in love with his girlfriend. Now when a twelve year old says this it is certain there is a lesson in his future. As a mother I was relieved that he broke up with her and did not get his heart broke yet. As a person I felt horrible for this very sweet girl he was breaking up with. She is the sweetest thing, I was falling in love with her too. As a mother I was also glad they broke up before things got outof hand. I also learned a lesson about being the mother of boys. How many wonderful girls are they going to bring home just long enough for me to love, then watch them disappear from my life?