The one in which I laugh at the misfortune of others

Fria Chica has been trying to answer the question, "is the man I'm living with back on drugs?", for the last few months. Today she found the answer, heroin, in a sock drawer. One of the quirky clues was that their spoons were disappearing. The money disappearing he explained by loss or theft, but who loses or steals spoons? The spoons were also in the drawer. Today, after I tie up a few loose ends, I am driving to Oklahoma City to pick her and baby up. Since I have had the luxury of being an observer, who needs no concrete proof, I have known the answer to the question since she started asking it. Therefore I am so happy she has decided to come home. I am also selfishly excited because I love having my sister near me; O.K. City was just too far away. Once again I will have somebody to discuss books, watch Elizabethan age movies, and drink white wine with.

On another note, I had something happen to me yesterday that I took way too much pleasure in. A nice person should not be so happy at getting to ruin somebody's day. I have mentioned before that I didn't like my last boss. Over the last few weeks she has been removed from her position because she didn't do several of the required parts of her job. Of course I knew she wasn't doing them. When I worked under her I did a lot of them. I bitched the whole time, but I did them. Instead of being grateful she blamed any mistakes she made on me, and not to my face, she said horrible things about me whenever somebody complained about the office. She was the main reason I transferred out of the office. The person she hired to replace me didn't clean up after her and try to keep things going, she turned her in.
Now my former boss has moved out of town and is job hunting. While I have been following the story with interest, it alone has not given me delight. Yesterday I received a call from a lady trying to hire a receptionist. She had called the listed sources and came up empty. Trying to find out about this person character she took a shot and called someone she knew from our town. That person gave her my name and number. Even with my bad feelings I felt bad about giving a negative reference. I almost just gave a lame 'she'll probably do okay', but I checked myself. If I did this somebody else would be stuck working with her. This lady told me about it being a small office and the importance of finding the right person. She seemed like a very nice, earnest person. So I gave an honest opinion. I didn't rant or go on. I just let her know what working with this applicant would be like. Then I hung up the phone and laughed my maniacal laugh. These are the moments that evil daydreams are made of;rarely are they realized.

Me complaining

Over the years The fourth of July has become a reflective holiday for me. I have always loved to sit and watch the fireworks and let my mind wander. It used to be a sort of happy introspection. For the last several years it has been a melancholy introspection.
For the most part my life is great. I love being me. My marriage though has not been all that great for years now. The fourth of July has become the time for me to reflect on weather my general happiness has been affected enough tip the scales. This year I am beginning to see a drop.
What I am weighing is the amount of dissatisfaction I have, against my need to raise my boys in the manner they have become accustom. I grew up in a poor and unstable environment. Like every parent I want my children to have more than I did. For the most part we live below our means. We don't have a fancy house or car. I don't spend much on clothing for myself. I just want them to get up every morning and not wonder who is still a part of their household. I want for them to never go to bed wondering how much longer they will have a roof over their head and food on the table. I want to be able to help them pay for college. At one point I thought that my new job would pay enough to accomplish this. This last month my hours have been cut so much I'm not really sure this is possible. So for one more year I have pushed the scales back to even.
Since I am using this space to complain today I will also mention that even though my hours have been cut it has been giving me no more time to spend at home. My lunches have went from one to three hours. If I worked closer to home I would love this arrangement. It just seems like a waste of time and gas to drive 17 miles home and back, so I hang out in Elk for my long lunches.
I will end my pity party here.

Two days off!

Two glorious days off, I am never going to want to go back to work now. Tiki is taking her vacation starting Friday so days off are going to be nonexistent for eight days. Therefore, I am trying to completely enjoy these two. I held my breath Monday and Tuesday expecting the schedule to be changed. My days off were sure to disappear. That has been happening a lot lately;I smile and say no problem, but I hate it. I had thought it would be nice to have a least one of these days home alone, but that isn't going to happen. Huggy Bear is coming over both days while her parents work. I don't mind at all because I miss her. It is also snowing outside, so school may be canceled tomorrow.
Huggy Bear helped me make French bread and start a soup earlier. By the time we were finished she was covered in flour and had to have a bath. I can't believe how much she is talking now, and so clearly too. She was sitting on the table wiping flour onto the floor. When I told her stop she said "No" in a very calm voice. She then picked up a handful and threw it at a cabinet door. "Stop" I said quite firmly. "Fine" She answered in a very preteen way. All of this attitude and she is only two.

All of the great trips I have planned that have fallen through in the last two years,it is a trip to Florida that is really going to happen. Not that I dislike Florida, we just have already done the whole Disneyland thing as a family and I went to Florida on my senior trip. I wanted to go to New York, Canada, or Mexico. Enough of that though. I am sure I will love going to Florida, I enjoyed my last trip there, I just wanted to go somewhere new. This is a group trip, that is why we are going. I agreed to go because I had promised Princess and Curly Top that I would take them to Disney. Now their mother won't let them go, and it would be rude to back out at this point.
Miss Universe and her family are going, which is going to be great. Of all of the people we have vacationed with they are the most fun. The other family going happens to be Godiva,Raul, and their three children. Raul is Miss Universe's brother-in-law, Rolando's younger brother. They are a fun couple, but really I prefer them in small doses. We are all renting a four bedroom house together, if we aren't careful we may end up watching their young ones in large doses. Godiva is also very bossy, and seems to be against splitting up. I have firmly pointed out three times that my children are much older than hers so we aren't going to spend all of our time doing the same things. We are renting separate vehicles just to have an escape if needed. The plane tickets have been bought and the house is paid for. We are going.

I have mentioned before how red this corner of the state is. There happen to be some very vocal conservatives at work that are driving me crazy. Bell brought in an e-mail she had printed off and presented it in a very final-see here-I am right kind of a way. It was that old lame lie about how much the Clinton's get paid in rent from their secret service men. I got as far as printing off the snopes page on the subject, but then I wondered what is more important, being right or having peace in the work place. I haven't decided yet, so I am just avoiding any political conversations. Everybody should have their own opinions and being conservative, is not a crime. I just wish people would at least check out what they read or hear before passing it along.

Blogger play and work

Blogger play is addicting. I almost didn't post because I have wasted too much time watching it. It is a distilled version of what I like about reading blogs. If books and movies are a journey into the lives of others, blogs are a snapshot. Blogger play is then just a quick glance into what other people are doing, seeing, and eating. One person was growing cilantro and another was growing pot. Some people are living lives that look very much like mine, others are so exotic. When I am on a road trip I sometimes notice all of the other people in cars around me. I wonder where they are going, if they are coming from somewhere happy or sad. Blogger play is like that, just one moment in someone else's life on display for me.

I have been going through a bit of a funk lately. Statistically my life looks to be on track. finally I have grown up and got a real job, with health benefits and a saving plan. Way inside my head though, not voiced to anyone else is the real thought. The fear that now I have chosen a path that is not mine. My job is great, fun even. I love the people I work with, they remembered my birthday and baked me a cake, it is that kind of a place to work. I think the problem my brain is having is that I have a retirement plan, and it is assumed I will still be there in thirty years. Is this what I want to do when I grow up? Finally, to appease myself, I gave myself permission to quit. Not today, just someday if I really find something I would rather be doing. This current job is my back up plan, in case I never find a band of gypsies to join up with.

It has been over a month

You may notice that by now it has been two months. I started this post August and never came back to it.


My life seems to be settling into a routine. The two weeks of training that came with my new are over. The first week was in Wichita. They would have paid for me to stay in a hotel for a week, but instead I took Lee and Lane with me and we stayed with Drama Queen. Jason stayed home for weightlifting and football practice, at thirteen he is all about sports.
Drama queen arranged to work almost every night we were there. She is saving up for a car and a few nights to work without having to pay a babysitter were a help. We had an enjoyable week. I was afraid the small, two bedroom apartment would start to feel crowded after a couple of days, but it really didn't. The six of us seemed to all be able to find enough space. On one of the last nights we were there Drama Queen didn't work. She sat outside on the balcony, drank a few beers, smoked plenty of cigs, and listened to music. At one point she came in to replenish her supplies and started laughing at us. Lane, Lee, and I all had a book light hooked onto our books and were laying around reading. I heard her boyfriend show up as I was drifting off to sleep. They either kept the noise level down or I was extremely tired, because I slept soundly all night. I wasn't annoyed at all until I went to get my yogurt out of the fridge for breakfast only to find it had been set out to make room for beer. The most annoying part was that they could have just shoved it onto another shelf, there was room. Or maybe they were just trying to help me overcome my yogurt addiction. I had to pause in the typing of that sentence to go grab a peach yogurt.
Two evenings Lane and the girls talked me into taking them to the apartment swimming pool. I love to swim so the first night they didn't have to talk very hard, but the second night I could remember how bad the pool water tasted and smelled. It really tasted like ass. Lane's eyes burned for a couple of hours after swimming the night before, but I took them anyway. After that second night I found other things to do. The day after we were back home that same murky pool was in the news. A five year old boy had drowned, and the poor water quality was being blamed. The little boy was at the bottom of the deep end and because of lack of visibility it took them five minutes to find his body.
My next week of training was in Liberal. Again they offered to put me up in a hotel, but it is just a forty-five minute drive. I picked up Islands in the Stream on cd for the driving time. While I enjoyed my training, I am glad it is over so my life can start to develop some sort of rythym.

What I have been doing

Six a.m. Saturday morning I watched Lee board his airplane. For weeks people had been asking me if I was nervous or scared and I really wasn't feeling either of those emotions. I was excited and jealous. At fifteen he is accomplishing one of my goals and living one of my dreams. To get to travel internationally, to see Europe and all of the places that have been a background to many of the books and movies we both love, I am very jealous. It helps that I am not a worrier so I haven't sat around and thought about everything that could go wrong. Dh has done enough of that for both of us. Whenever he brings up a possibility I counter with 'or we could drive to the store next week and have a car accident that kills us all.' I was really beginning to think I was a cold, cold, woman. Something I have often been accused of over the years. One day a dh pulled a beer out of a cooler and felt it to see if it was cold enough. It wasn't. He tossed it to me and asked me to hug it to my chest for a minute.
On the eight hour drive to the airport I was either reading, laughing, or talking, but not worrying. We arrived at the airport three hours early like they recommend for security, but the security workers hadn't got the memo. We sat there with two older ladies, who were heading to Cancun, for over two hours before the people who worked at the airport arrived. During this time we labeled his bag, talked over the problems he was expecting with changing planes in Detroit, and double checked his bag. You might notice we weren't flying to New York with him as originally planned, so he would be alone from the time he left us until he met up with his group in N.Y. The ticket counter finally opened and he was able to get his boarding passes. I suggested breakfast before he went into the gate. My scone wasn't the best I ever had, but it was edible. Lee had went with a yogurt parfait that looked much better, but he said the fruit didn't have much flavor. When he did start through gate security it hit me. He looked so young to be going out in the world alone. He put his shoes and belt into a tub. At this point we were separated. I started to cry, not a few graceful tears, outright bawling. I stood at the glass wall that separated us and watched him sit in a seat and put on his headphones. I walked away so he wouldn't look up and see me loosing it. I was wiping my eyes and trying to control myself when I heard them announce first class boarding. He had his headphones on, he probably couldn't hear. I ran back to the glass, which is frosted for the first five feet, peered over the frosted line and saw him there with his headphones lowered listening to the announcement. I was sending my baby out alone in the world, but he was ready. I continued to cry until the plane took off. Then I had a nap. I wonder if I would have cried so much if I hadn't went twenty-four hours without sleep.
I woke up an hour later when it was my turn to drive and felt much better. We stopped at Wichita and spent a couple of days with Drama Queen and the girls. She was working nights that weekend so we took the girls to the dog races. That is one of the many places I would never have went on my own but have experienced because I married a redneck. We ordered supper, which I have to say was one of the best meals I've ate out in a while. After we ate Dh let the girls pick dogs and place bets while I ordered a bottle of wine. I will go anywhere and sit through anything if I have a good book with me. Kite Runner is an excellent book and intriguing enough to keep my attention no matter what is going on around me. Seriously, if you haven't read it yet go read it. Back at the apartment I put the girls to bed and stayed up way to late finishing it. We woke up early the next morning so we could get to the zoo before it got way too hot. It is baby season at the zoo so our trip was great. I loved the baby rhinoceros, but Curly Top couldn't tear herself away from the baby giraffe long enough to look at it. At one point after we had been staring at the giraffe for fifteen minutes I drug her over to the rhino. We looked at it for a few minutes until she looked up at me and said 'I have to get back to that giraffe.' So we walked over and watched it stand on wobbly legs for several more minutes until I coaxed her away with the promise of a sno-cone.
After the zoo we took them to Chuck E. Cheese to eat and play, then home for a nap. They had been staying at our house for the two weeks before our trip. We had dropped them off with their mother on our way to the airport. In that one weekend our household size dropped from seven to four. It is very quiet here now. Lane stays the night at Miss Universe's house a lot during the summer. Two of her kids are close in age to him. Mon is only seven months older and Ed is just a year younger that Lane. The three of them have grown up together and are quite the threesome. That leaves only Jason and I here for a good part of the day and he sleeps until noon. Last night Jason and I stayed up and watched Man on Fire. This is one of those movies I have been meaning to watch, but never have. It was very good. It was over at two and I went in to brush my teeth. Jason came in as I was finishing and begged me to stay up and watch another movie with him. 'Absolutely not' I told him, but asked which movie he was going to watch, just in case. His answer? In the Army Now. Now that made me laugh. How can you follow Man on Fire with that? I asked.
I am going to jump out of chronological order a bit here and talked about the eleventh. Of course we went to the midnight showing of The Order Of The Phoenix. We had a big group, so to ensure that we could all sit together we arrived an hour early. Our group consisted of myself, Fria Chica, My brother, two of his friends, Tams, Lee, Jason, Lane, and Ed. Before when we have went to midnight showings at this same theater they have opened the doors, let people buy tickets and wait in line in the theater. At the last LOTR we took a monopoly game and sat on the carpet and played. This time they kept the doors locked and made us wait in two lines, one of people who already had tickets, and one filled with those odd creatures who were trusting enough to wait. The theater is in the back of the mall, which was closed, so hundreds of people were packed into the mall corridor with the air conditioner off. Not pleasant at all.
I didn't know what to expect from this movie. Of all of the H.P. books so far this was my least favorite. I understand that she had to pack a lot of info into the book to transition the series from the school adventure feel the first books had to the full scale war feel the next few books would have. All of that info made for a thick book that moved slowly in spots. That is not what I disliked about the book, but I could see where that could make for tricky movie making. What I disliked about the book was how whiny Harry was.
I'll try to do this without any spoilers. Watching the movie I understood Harry's moods better and the reason for the moodiness. They certainly didn't make a slow moving movie. The school year seemed to zip past at an amazing speed. That is unfortunate if you are a Sirius fan because I just didn't get to spend enough time with him in this movie. It had been a few years since I read the book, so I expected to be able to watch the movie without those annoying thoughts in my head about all of the changes. They cut out so much of the story, anything that wasn't fast enough to fit the adventure pace, that it was impossible to not start thinking about what was missing. The next day Tam's stopped by while I was cooking a meal for the Rec. board. She has only read the first three books, but has seen all of the movies. I asked her a few questions like 'Did you understand why the Centaurs were so angry with Umbridge, or why it was important for Hagrid to try and talk to the Giants, or why Umbridge measured Flitwick.' Of course her answer was no and that most Harry Potter fans would sit through a longer movie to find out. I really understand that to make a good movie some things have to be changed, but the whole feel of the book shouldn't have been altered. What they made was a good children's adventure movie that would be fine standing alone, but as part of a building series it fell far short.
Oh and by the way, I interviewed on Tuesday for the job. Yesterday I got the call saying the job was mine. So there I go, after almost five years I am considered a career employee and will get a benefits, and a seventeen mile commute. I thought I would feel some sort of emotion at this point, but I really don't. The raise, which more than doubles what I am making now, is going to be nice though.

A couple of unrelated thoughts

This time last year I was talked into trying for a job in the Elk. office if an opening came up. I was lukewarm on the idea at the time, but after a year of fermenting the idea has started to sound really good. Thursday I found out that I will be interviewed, eventually. I swear, they expect me to complete my work in double time and they take months to do anything. The problem is the lady doing the hiring, who I really like and would enjoy working with, is choosing between me, one of her good friends, and the daughter of another one of her good friends. My chances aren't looking too good are they?

Tuesday night Miss Universe and I went to Wichita to pick up Princess and Curly top. I have been working so much I haven't really spent much time with them. Even so I am glad they are here for the few hours a day we do get to spend together. Drama Queen has put me through a roller coaster of emotions over the last two years. From what I saw of her this week I'm afraid she is starting up for another ride. I don't know if I have the strength. My emotions have went from worry, to fear, to anger, to empathy, to hope, to pride, to joy. I am back at worry and wondering how to jump the tracks.