Over the years The fourth of July has become a reflective holiday for me. I have always loved to sit and watch the fireworks and let my mind wander. It used to be a sort of happy introspection. For the last several years it has been a melancholy introspection.
For the most part my life is great. I love being me. My marriage though has not been all that great for years now. The fourth of July has become the time for me to reflect on weather my general happiness has been affected enough tip the scales. This year I am beginning to see a drop.
What I am weighing is the amount of dissatisfaction I have, against my need to raise my boys in the manner they have become accustom. I grew up in a poor and unstable environment. Like every parent I want my children to have more than I did. For the most part we live below our means. We don't have a fancy house or car. I don't spend much on clothing for myself. I just want them to get up every morning and not wonder who is still a part of their household. I want for them to never go to bed wondering how much longer they will have a roof over their head and food on the table. I want to be able to help them pay for college. At one point I thought that my new job would pay enough to accomplish this. This last month my hours have been cut so much I'm not really sure this is possible. So for one more year I have pushed the scales back to even.
Since I am using this space to complain today I will also mention that even though my hours have been cut it has been giving me no more time to spend at home. My lunches have went from one to three hours. If I worked closer to home I would love this arrangement. It just seems like a waste of time and gas to drive 17 miles home and back, so I hang out in Elk for my long lunches.
I will end my pity party here.