Tuesday, November 20, 2007

I can't quit crying

I am dangerously far behind on my nano novel. Last night I stayed up late and wrote five thousand words. So if this post seems extra wordy I apologize. Once you get used to making every sentence as long as possible it is hard to stop.
When I did go to bed I couldn't sleep. Not many nights in my adult life have been spent staying up and worrying. I am a champion sleeper. All of the nights that have been have spent awake have been attributed to Drama Queen. Last night was no exception.
For over a week the plan has been for me to drive to Wichita Monday night and bring the girls home Tuesday. They were going to spend Thanksgiving with us and then I would take them home on Saturday. I didn't realize the depth of my missing those girls until the day kept getting closer to seeing them again. I was like a school child in May. I couldn't sit still and smiled at the thought of seeing them again. Some days I could feel their arms around my neck.
More than one person had asked if they were out of school on Tuesday, or if they were just skipping it. As far as I knew they were just skipping it. Looking at our schedules Drama Queen and I had picked out a day that I didn't work and that coincided with her work schedule so she wouldn't have to pay a babysitter this week. She is having babysitter trouble again, and they are always hard to find on holidays. Since she didn't raise any objections to the missed school day I didn't bring it up. The benefits outweighed the missed day as far as I was concerned, and it was the only day I could make the drive.
I had to work Monday. After work I drove quickly to the school to catch the last half of Lee's scholar's bowl meet. When it was over I ran home make a pot of tea and eat a quick waffle for supper. The waffles were left over from Sunday's breakfast. I covered it with strawberry syrup, whipped cream, and mixed berries. You can never go wrong with a Belgian waffle. While I was eating I called Fria Chica to see if she was still going with me. She was. I called Drama Queen to tell her what time I was leaving, and that I would be arriving around midnight.
She seemed surprised. Somehow she had completely forgot our last conversation and thought I was coming Tuesday. I told her there was no way I was going to drive four hours Tuesday morning, then turn around and drive home the same day. Especially with Fria Chica and the baby. Fria Chica had said she wanted to go because Drama Queen has never got to see the baby, but that she didn't want to keep him in a car seat for eight hours in one day. She was only going if we spent the night.
I have made the trip by myself many times. I kind of enjoy the time to think, so if Fria Chica decided not to go it wasn't a big deal to me, but she really wanted to go. Tuesday is my only day off this week, except for Thanksgiving day, so I told Drama Queen it had to be Monday night like we decided. She called me selfish and rude. Whenever I tried to talk she just yelled more insults over my voice. When I did get a chance to talk I probably said the wrong things. Anyway the whole mess ended with her hanging up on me and sending me hateful text messages. I think she likes conversations like that better, because she likes them to be one sided.
Right now the phone is ringing and I am ignoring it. My mother is calling again. She can't stand going to work when there might be some drama going on, so she is at home trying to meddle. She wants to see the girls, but only if I drive up and get them. She mentioned several times last night that she would go today, except she has to work. I have already talked to her this morning, once was enough. She made sure to point out that she wanted to see them at Christmastime, and that Drama Queen said I could come up and get them the day after Christmas. It was really a one sided conversation, because I have nothing more to say on the matter. Last night she wanted to trash Drama Queen and call her a drunk. Today she has talked to D.Q. and wants to discuss the whole situation with me, explain D.Q.'s side of it to me. I've heard, I've read it, I'm done with it. I just don't have the energy. Last night I was upset, but I didn't want to sit around and trash D.Q. It wouldn't make me feel better. Today I just don't have the energy to do anything more than cry and sleep. I am forcing myself to get a few things done, but it is very hard.
Depression is a family trait, but I have been afflicted very little in comparison with most of siblings. My depression is usually started by an event like this. Once I get down it is so hard to get back up again, but I usually bounce back in a few days.
I say usually, because once it did take me six months to pull out of the funk. I slept ten hours a night and took at least one nap during the day. When I fell asleep while stretched out on the floor, reading a book to Lane, I told myself this is enough. It still took me several months to get back to normal, but I did get back. I credit reading to pulling me out.
It was a point when my children were still young, but I had a bit more free time. If you are not careful at this point you will assess your life, and you may find a lack. I did, but I couldn't quite figure out what was missing. I wanted to run away from home. There was a need to be myself. My brother gave me a gift. It was Bella Tuscany by Frances Mayes.
After Lee was born my life became about him. Then Jason came, two years later Lane was born. Until that year, when Lane was four, my life was full of them. I'm not complaining I loved it. Then suddenly there was a little space and I couldn't remember how to fill myself up. It had been too long since I had done it. I didn't even know who I was. The lost feeling overwhelmed me.
As I read first this book, and then more books, I started to remember who I was. I also began to grow again as a person. My children are still the most important aspect of my life, but they are who they are, and I am myself.
Right now I am a woman who misses her nieces so much. I am a woman who is wondering if she is doing the right think by not jumping in her car and driving to get them right now. All morning I have questioned my resolve to not be bullied. It has taken me many years to learn not give in to pressure when I know I am right, but part of me wants to chuck all of that and call, apologize, and drive to get them. Even if I have to give up things important to me, and go to work tomorrow with no sleep.

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