Most days I look at this empty screen and think 'I have nothing to say' So I say nothing. Today, I have nothing to say, so I thought I would just catch up on what have I been doing. Beezus and Ramona have moved back in with me, and Lee is here for Christmas break. That makes me happy. What else? Working mostly, having lived for several years as a stay-at-home mom I have perspective on both sides and I can say that working sucks. It has its good points, like a paycheck and health insurance. It was always scary to take a child to the doctor and wonder if this was going to be your whole food budget for the week, and I most certainly never wanted to go the doctor myself. That would be a total waste of money. Adult interaction is another good point. I enjoy my job, and feel I am good at it, but it still sucks to wake to the sound of an alarm, drive, spend eight hours working for everybody else, then be too tired to work towards my own dreams in the evening. It is not that I am always too tired. That energy that I do have is spent on my children. It has become apparent to me lately that I do not have much time left with them at home, so spending time with them has become a real priority, whether they like it or not. What are these dreams, or projects, that I am pushing back?
I want to build my house. The picture of it is stored in my head and I walk through it at nights. It is beautiful. I want to write a few books. There are stories in my mind that I would like to commit to paper, before paper is archaic. I would like to be a more healthy me. I have plans that include more yoga and belly dancing, I am trying to fit those in to my schedule. I have trouble sticking to schedules. Creating an actual prolific garden would be nice, I play at in now, but it does not produce much. These are all things I am trying to fit into my life. Hopefully I will do a better job of it than I did last year.
What did I do last year. I joined a book club that I have enjoyed. I sent my first child off to college. I remember the day I sat at a red light in Lawrence and it hit me that I had done it. The day Lee was born I pledged to give him a stable childhood. One where he would start preschool and graduate in the same place. One where college was not some foreign world where he would feel he did not belong, but a place he was planning on going some day. Financially I wanted to be able to help him get started. That moment at the stop light, the same day I had cosigned his lease, and enrolled him in school, was a moment of sheer giddiness. I have been through a roller coaster with my sister. We have not agreed on rehab for her or where the girls should live. I am not saying the ride is over, but we are in a nice steady spot right now. Lane and Jason are becoming young men and most days I am proud of them. I have always tried to create an open relationship in the family. That started with answering any question they asked me honestly. It may now have gone a bit too far. I am not sure it is normal to know how Jason's sex life is going. Normal or not he will say things like 'Hey do I have scratch marks on my back?' Who are these men I am raising? The fun is in watching them find out.