Bliss

     My household income has been cut by 55% while the population has only been decreased by 14.29%. This should make me nervous, but instead I have found myself blissfully happy. My lifestyle hasn't changed too much since dh moved out; for the most part I do the same things on a daily basis that I always have. I just get to do them with so much less stress.
    Dh has been asking me out on dates and expressing his unending love for me lately.  I have been trying to respond politely while walking a line between not hurting his feelings and not leading him on with false expectations.  The truth is that after being called a liar, a bitch, and a whore for 19 years it is nice to be called nothing. Earlier this year our book club read the book Sarah's Key. While reading the book I noticed that one of the character's talked to his wife much like dh talked to me. During the discussion somebody called his behavior emotional abuse. As everyone agreed I felt my breath draining from me. I had never thought of myself as a victim of abuse, and did not like the thought of being one. Even now my brain insists that I was not. Sure he was abusive but I lived above it. I did not let it affect me. Except that I am not as friendly to men as I used to be, to make things smoother, and I don't warmly invite people over as much as I once did, for fear of a scene, but I am not timid. After the book club I was talking to Fria Chica, who also attends, she brought up the subject and said that when somebody mentioned the character's abusive behavior she thought "poor Lynn" for she too had related that character with dh.  Unlike in the book though my husband is not a handsome, accomplished lover, so I didn't even have the benefits.
     My kids are all out for the evening. I have been reading a light biography of Elizabeth II, dancing with myself, writing, and drinking tea. It has been lovely so far, and who knows what will happen next?

Where to start

I do not think it has been obvious, but my marriage has not been a happy one for years. My life has been happy. I am usually in a good mood, and enjoy myself, but my marriage is usually only adequate and/or miserable depending on the day. Instead of using to dh to mean dear husband or damn husband, as per current internet usage, I have I always used it to mean dickhead. An example of one of the many problems is that right now I keep looking over my shoulder to make sure he is not coming through the door. I have never been allowed any privacy. If I kept a paper journal he found it and read it, same with e-mail. Any information gleaned was later used against me in an argument. If I am not home he calls all of my relatives until he finds me. He ran through the caller id in the evening and asked me what every number wanted when they called. This is not horrible behavior, but I could not stand it. Being the type of person who needs some personal space this felt suffocating. He was steadily growing ruder which meant the number of friends and relatives who would spend time at my house was dwindling. Despite all of this I was shocked when moved out last week. It felt like a slap in the face after all the crap I had put up with for years.
Now  a week later I am still jumpy, but I am starting to get used to the freedom again. Today somebody suggested that this my be temporary, that we may get back together. No I am sure that is not going to happen; this feels too good. I had wanted to stay married for three more years. Lane and Jason will both have graduated by then and I wanted to be able to provide for them financially as much as they were used to. That is probably what hurt the most. I had expected to have more control over the time frame of the divorce. It is too early to say for sure, but I think this is for the best.