Today is Lee's birthday. He turned fifteen this morning. For me this means that in three years I will have an adult child. This thought has filled me with a jumble of emotions. First fear, fear of turning my baby loose into a world that can be very harsh. Fear that there will come a day when he will move out and we will not ever be as close again as we were when we shared a house. Fear that someday he may decide to have children and I won't agree with the mother he picks for my grandchildren. Second pride, pride in having such a smart, kind, funny man to call son. Pride in watching him handle life's problems with dignity. Pride in knowing that even with all of the mistakes I have made I have stuck to my original goals of giving him roots, stability, and love. Third anticipation, anticipation that someday all of my children will be off living their own lives and I will be able to move some of the things I want to do with my life up on my priority list. I know it doesn't sound nice for a mother to admit that it will be nice when the nest is emptied, but to be honest even though I love my kids and know I will miss them terribly when they are gone, a small part of me looks forward to being able to get a few more things done.
Last night as these emotions started coming to me I wondered if I had done a good enough job. Self doubt took over and I listed some of my faults that I had passed on to him. I sat down at the computer to play spider solitaire. He walked by and reminded me not to close out the window he was on because he was burning a cd, but to feel free to listen to his music. When going over his play list I notice three old Beastie Boys songs. Peace washed over me, I was raising this kid right after all.