Grief is a selfish emotion. Selfishness has always been one of my biggest flaws. One I work on continually, but it is always still there. A month ago I decided to write Jason a letter to read during his interment ceremony. The ceremony is Sunday, we had to change it due to weather, and I have not been able to write a word. The problem is that I want it to be a letter in celebration of his life. One day, a good day, I was able to write it out in my head. Unfortunately I was working and did not get it down on paper. Since then when I try to write it is all about me, my grief. Grief is a selfish emotion I have taken Jason's death and made it all about me.
On bad days I imagine going to the hospital in Amarillo, or to Area Mental Health in Garden City. I try to fool myself into believing I just want to go so I can relive days I spent with Jason. It does not work though. I know what I really want to do is to ask the people who turned my son away if they remember him. I want to tell them he is dead. Show them a picture of him in his coffin. Why? Where does this come from? I am hurt. My soul has been hurt and I want to lash out in anger and hurt their souls too. This is wrong. There is already so much hurt and anger in the world. I do not want to add to it.