Over the last week I have came here several times to write, but nothing seems right. What more can I say about Jason's death? I am still sad, but that is a given. Yet nothing else seems important enough to talk about. I still think about him all the time. I keep reminding myself that I have two living children who need my energy too.
My life was changed in an instant. In one moment I was looking at my troubled son wondering what more I could do for him. In the next moment I had noticed the rope. My stomach dropped and my world was changed. My main goal in life had been to have children and give them the best childhood possible. While I was doing it I thought I was doing a good job. Some people have even heard me say that I had accomplished my one goal in life; now I needed to set another one. I was so confidant that I had succeeded and would succeed in the rest of my life too. Now every day I wake up and know that all I am going to do is try to make it through this day.
However, I also do more every day. There is the Music Of The Beatles class that I am enjoying. I have went out a couple of times. It hasn't always went well, but I will still go again. I am becoming efficient at work again. For months I have felt slow and plodding, but now I am starting to do my job well again. All of this makes me feel guilty, but not as bad as it used to. Some days I still feel like it would be easier to just give up, but I know I will not. I am starting to eat healthier again. I make plans to start doing yoga again. It does not go far though. On days when I do not particularly want to be alive there seems to be no reason to forgo the greasy cheeseburger and malt. I am in a sort of wetlands of grief. There is not any dry land, yet there is not really a noticeable body of water either.