I found myself saying the oddest thing today. Thank God no one heard. It would have been difficult to explain. "I'm excited for Saturday" came out of my mouth in a truly anticipatory tone. Tuesday is Jason's twentieth birthday. To commemorate we are placing his memorial in the cemetery. Afterward there will be a cookout and campfire. We are planning to do it on Saturday so everybody can make it. Hopefully, there will be these things. The temperature is to climb all week then drop down to fifty on Saturday. Regardless of the weather we have been putting much time and energy into planning the whole ceremony. The headstone is almost finished. It is looking even better than I expected.

So yes, I am getting excited. I like to plan events, have people over, eat, laugh, and drink. More than that it feels like I am doing something for Jason again. Lee is coming home, hopefully. I need to write Jason a letter. I am hoping to write something I can read without too much crying to start us off. Today I wondered if I should find a paragraph to read also. There is so much to do, and yet here I sit.

Part of my excitement probably stems from being able to plan a party without guilt. Although I am an introvert, I am a social person. I like having my friends and family surrounding me. So often I plan parties, or they happen spontaneously. Since Jason died I feel guilty for every moment I spent with my friends during his last few months. To plan a party now that he is dead usually makes me nauseas with guilt.

I realize that my guilt is about me. It will not bring him back. I can mourn forever and he is not less dead.  The thing is I liked being me. I was optimistic and fun. There was hope inside of me. I smiled a lot. Now I am different. I know I will never be the same. I grew up, was disillusioned in one instant. However, I want to get some of myself back. That is what Jason would want too. He loved me.