Sunday, March 23, 2014

Having always romanticized history and the links that travel through generations it is not unusual for me to be in the middle of an activity and think something like 'people have done this since the beginning of people.'  It comforts me, that thought. Somehow I feel less alone and grounded, tied to ancestors when I notice the links. I feel those links when I am needing bread, picking strawberries, or wondering at the beauty of moonlight.

Most people would say I am healing. I am moving through life with energy. I go to work, smile, laugh, make jokes, and eat. There is always food. Even the first day, when people tend to have no appetite, my family sat around the table and ate. Friday I even went dancing. It was a friends birthday. I bought us all tequila shots. We drank and danced until the bar closed. Saturday I went to work hung-over. There was no vomiting until I drove away from work, nobody noticed. I did see my boss notice my makeup. It was leftover eyeliner from the night before. I rarely wear makeup these days. I have started brushing my hair again though.

Nobody sees the times I am alone. The times I break down. Not even I see them coming. Today I was pruning house plants. Suddenly I was bawling and clipping savagely with my scissors.  A voice in the back of my head asked, "Isn't this a scene from a movie?" I had to agree that it probably was. Grief is not original. Mothers have been grieving for children as long as mothers have been having babies. In every generation there a people who die to soon. Young people who never get to reach their potential. This grief also ties me to women throughout history.

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