logic clouded by hate

Again this morning I was working quietly when my boss found me. We had been talking about the flu earlier in the morning. She was convinced, by that infamous "news" channel, that H1N1 was just a government hoax. Now whenever somebody we know falls ill with it, and several people have, I make sure to tell her. Entertainment is hard to come by at work; I take it where I find it. This time she turned the corner and showed me a look of complete hurt. "Did you know fourteen soldiers died in Afghanistan last night?" No I hadn't heard that I responded. "Of course he is acting like nothing happened. He was on Letterman again. I think he is running for entertainer of the year." How do I respond to that? I went with my go to move of turning back to my work. Fortunately she wasn't waiting for a response. "I think we could solve this whole problem by loading up a missle with swine flu and blowing it up in the middle of Afghaninstan. We could just kill off the whole country that way." Apparently she doesn't think genocide is a goal to be shied away from. These type of comments always deserve a response. So I said. I just heard on the radio this morning that Afghanistan has one of the highest rates of death during childbirth in the world. No response from her. They have an undeveloped medical care system. I added. She turned and went back to work. How do you respond to a statement like that.

2008

Books I read in 2008

There may have been a few more. I quit updating my blog often around the end of '08.

# Clouds of Witness
# *Winston and Clementine
# *The Widow Of The South
# *The Last Summer of You and Me
# *The Perfect Storm
# *Goodbye again the Definitive Peter Cook and Dudley Moore
# *The Time Traveler's Wife
# *Kabul
# *My Booky Wook
# *Circle of Freinds
# *Dexter in the Dark
# *When Will Jesus Bring The Porkchops
# *Sweetwater Creek
# *The Amber Spyglass
# *Light On Snow
# *The Dante Club
# *The Subtle Knife
# *The Golden Compass*
# *The Tale Of Despereaux
# *In The Gloaming
# *Good Omens
# *When Madeline Was Young
# *Smoking, Drinking, and Screwing
# *The Secret River
# *The Hidden Diary of Marie Antoinette
# *Three Cups Of Tea
# *P.S. I Love You
# *Wide Sargasso Sea
# *Black and Blue
# *My Sister's Keeper
# *The Slaughter House Five
# *The Night of Rain and Stars
# *The Reluctant Tuscan
# *Hissyfit
# *Eats, Shoots, & Leaves
# *Middlesex
# *Things I Overheard While Talking To Myself
# *Best Friends
# *Africa in my Blood

Conservatives

I am not the only [I pause here because I don't know what to call myself, non-conservative is the best I can come up with] non-conservative in my area, but some days it feels like I am. Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. I am not sure how I feel about that because I am not sure who else was up for it or if there was a more deserving person out there. As President he should be working towards peace simply as part of his job. The specifics are not what has struck me today anyway;they are not what I want to talk about.
I was working quietly, as I do most days, when my boss came to tell me about the prize. I could tell she was shocked, and I knew how she would feel without her saying a word. She went ahead and told me anyway. I tried to change the conversation so I asked what he had won it for? She didn't know. "Surely not for his great speeches." She said in an angry, sarcastic tone. "Or just for being king of the world." She added. She was getting worked up now. "I heard the new dog made a mess in Air Force One that will cost us $500.00 to clean." I knew I couldn't take much more of this so I started laughing and said I could imagine that conversation at home. I mimicked my own childrens' 'please moms' and 'I promises' to show how it could have happened in any family. This parent just happened to be the President, and the vehicle was Air Force One. Not to be derailed she wondered how he could possible control (her word) the nation if he couldn't control his family. I started talking about having kids in the White house. I casually brought up Kessler's book. I mentioned, as if I were heading nowhere with the conversation, how he said Chelsea Clinton was supposed to have caused very little trouble. Then I brought up how much trouble the Bush children were said to have caused. She believes, at this point in the conversation, that it is hard to live in the White House when every little thing you do is going to be picked on by the press. She then started talking about how hard it would have to be to have the secret service always following you while you were growing up. How it would be hard to not rebel against it. She ended the conversation by saying she guessed how the child reacted would depend on the age of the child at the time. I let the conversation end, because that is what I really wanted anyway. I could have pointed out that Chelsea was also a teenager when her father was in the White House, or that her measure of 'controlling children' would make Bush a worse President than Obama or Clinton. Sometimes though I think that it is better to let people see their own hypocrisy slowly as they replay conversations in their head.

Technology

I am embarrassed. January, I haven't posted since January. That is about the time my part time job morphed into a 50 hour a week job. I obviously can't do it all. I am not one of those people who just manage to get everything done. I have the utmost respect for those people, but I am not one of them. My sister, Drama Queen, talked me into signing up for a facebook account two days ago. That seems to be a big time suck. I also am not geared towards that type of communication. Something inside of me is very old fashioned when it comes to communicating. Understand, I love technology. I love gadgets and science and wondering where we will go next. That is the part of dying that most scares me. I want to see flying cars and moon colonies. When we are skipping from planet to planet engaging with the aliens I want to be here. When I communicate though I want long conversations. Texting is great for a quick question, but it is not a conversation. Every time I visit one of the networking sites I am hit with how little substance there is. I may find out what type of drunk a person is, or which smurf they would be, but still know nothing of there personality. That is why I prefer blogs. Reading a few short paragraphs can give quite a bit of insight about a person. Not that I am against them. Let everyone use what bit of technology they like and leave the rest.

Not much sense or sensibility

I had to question my sanity today. I was scrolling through our dvr list today when I noticed the first half of the BBC production of Sense and Sensibility had been deleted. Since it would be ridiculous to watch just the second half of a movie I deleted the conclusion. I recorded these months ago when PBS ran them on Masterpiece. Fria chica and I have been planning on watching it together one of these days so I have been saving them. The part of this story that made me question my sanity is how despondent I was about the loss. I was angry and sad with small revenge-filled thoughts running through my head. It is not like my family actually broke the last copy and wiped this movie from the human realm. They just, accidentally I'm sure, deleted my only copy. I had to force myself to see reason;it took quite awhile.

Speaking of Fria chica the drama of her current boyfriend continues. On his way to rehab he stopped in Wichita to visit her for a day or two. She is spending the week with Drama Queen, who had agreed to this visit. During this time he seemed to be binging on the drugs he was going to rehab to quit. I would have more sympathy with his whole plan to quit if it was sincere and not just another ploy to stay out of jail for his latest dui arrest. Due to family money and influence he has spent very little time in jail for his last three offenses. Shortly into his stay Drama queen had to explain to him that she would prefer he not do drugs at her house, but if he could not comply with that request would he at least not leave his pop-can bong, complete with ashes, right outside the front door. Later in the night he punched a hole through her apartment wall, broke Fria chica's phone and managed to frighted all of the children. She kicked him out of her house, twice, before she was finally able to get him to leave town. He is now safely in rehab, but he has been calling us several times a day trying to get Drama queen's number. Once when I was out Lane answered the call and the guy tried to convince him it was a matter of life and death. Somehow he thought Lane would buy some line about it being an emergency because he was near cardiac arrest. I am not sure if he thinks my kids are younger or stupider than they actually are.

Where have I been?

This is more difficult than I imagined it would be. I have been sitting here reading over my blog for the last ten minutes trying to work up the nerve to click the new post button. I feel like I have just ran into an ex-lover who I have not seen in years. How do you start getting to know each other again?
I'll start with what happened to me. November was a month in which so much happened that blogging just kept getting pushed back. Fria Chica did end up moving back home;just not with a definite break like I expected. The boyfriend is still a part of her life and therefore a peripheral in mine. He is a nice guy, he just needs to work through his issues. He came up for Christmas and we had a really great time. He was coming up for Halloween, but got stopped halfway here and spent the weekend in jail. Having Fria Chica back is great, I just spend most of my precious free time with her and Pookie instead of updating this thing. In November I was also temporarily transferred back to the local office. They are going to eventually hire a permanent replacement for my last boss, I hope it is me, until then I am running the office. Then at the end of November, just as I was finishing my Nanowrimo novel, my computer crashed. Luckily it had made an odd sound a couple of days before its unfortunate demise so I quickly backed up what I had so far. I walked to DH's office the last two nights and finished up the novel there. That is right, I finished this year and am extremely proud of myself.
Then December hit. With the new job,Christmas,school board (extra meetings because of a teacher who overstepped his bounds with a student or five,depending on how many of the rumors are true),and school fundraisers, I did not even get around to buying a new computer until January.

Now here is January. The kids are back in school. I have not yet taken down my tree. That is going straight on my to do list. I took today off of work so that I could have a day at home all alone. It is great. Earlier I watched About a Boy. I had forgotten how funny that movie is. While I was watching it Lee came home from school on his lunch break to add more hairspray to the sculpture that is his hair. We had fixed it that morning and it was starting to fall. He is not truly dressed up unless his hair is reaching the same heights as Russel Brand's. Lane sat on my bed and watched us while making jokes about how many heroin filled balloons Lee had about his person.
Jason has been sick for the last few days so he spends every morning trying to decide if he can make it through school. Honestly if it were just school he would stay home, but it is homecoming tonight and he does not want to miss his game or the dance.
This morning Lane took off a pair of jeans because they have a rip in the knee. The worn spot they already had when I bought them, at the start of the school year, has finally gave way. I offered to patch them and he declined my offer. I threatened to quit buying jeans that are already halfway ruined if he was not going to try and make them last. He insisted he will still wear them with black leggings underneath. The thing is I just bought Jason a pair for Christmas that have patches that look like he sewed them on himself. So I made it clear I would do a crappy job and make sure they looked just like Jason's new pair. How illogical are we, as consumers, when we will wear worn and patched jeans, but only if we spent a lot of money on them. We've gone mad.

tough choices

Fria chica has believed the story her boyfriend told her about the heroin being old and no longer used as only a lover can. She decided to stay with him. I think part of my lack of understanding comes from selfishness;I was so excited at the thought of having her back. Of course we still talk almost everyday so it isn't like she is that far removed. They are coming down this weekend to visit. On the way they are swinging through Wichita to pick up the girls. I am looking forward to Sunday's breakfast. Lately we have only been having 10-12 family members and it seems very quiet.

I left work this morning at lunch as was struck at the deep blue of the sky. That is one of my biggest complaints about where I work, we rarely see the sky. For lunch I sat on a park bench and ate a couple of corned beef sandwiches while noticing how the still green trees looked as they brushed against the sky. I don't remember noticing the lack of nature as much when I worked at the library. There were a few large windows there that had a nice view, but I wonder if being surrounded by books was the real difference.
That led me to ask myself to make a choice. Say the choice was between a lifetime spent outdoors in a place with beautiful but varied weather conditions or in a beautiful, never ending library with no natural light which would I choose. In the end I think I would choose to live outdoors because I can tell myself stories but nothing can imitate the sun. Now if I could meld the two places together that would be paradise.

The one in which I laugh at the misfortune of others

Fria Chica has been trying to answer the question, "is the man I'm living with back on drugs?", for the last few months. Today she found the answer, heroin, in a sock drawer. One of the quirky clues was that their spoons were disappearing. The money disappearing he explained by loss or theft, but who loses or steals spoons? The spoons were also in the drawer. Today, after I tie up a few loose ends, I am driving to Oklahoma City to pick her and baby up. Since I have had the luxury of being an observer, who needs no concrete proof, I have known the answer to the question since she started asking it. Therefore I am so happy she has decided to come home. I am also selfishly excited because I love having my sister near me; O.K. City was just too far away. Once again I will have somebody to discuss books, watch Elizabethan age movies, and drink white wine with.

On another note, I had something happen to me yesterday that I took way too much pleasure in. A nice person should not be so happy at getting to ruin somebody's day. I have mentioned before that I didn't like my last boss. Over the last few weeks she has been removed from her position because she didn't do several of the required parts of her job. Of course I knew she wasn't doing them. When I worked under her I did a lot of them. I bitched the whole time, but I did them. Instead of being grateful she blamed any mistakes she made on me, and not to my face, she said horrible things about me whenever somebody complained about the office. She was the main reason I transferred out of the office. The person she hired to replace me didn't clean up after her and try to keep things going, she turned her in.
Now my former boss has moved out of town and is job hunting. While I have been following the story with interest, it alone has not given me delight. Yesterday I received a call from a lady trying to hire a receptionist. She had called the listed sources and came up empty. Trying to find out about this person character she took a shot and called someone she knew from our town. That person gave her my name and number. Even with my bad feelings I felt bad about giving a negative reference. I almost just gave a lame 'she'll probably do okay', but I checked myself. If I did this somebody else would be stuck working with her. This lady told me about it being a small office and the importance of finding the right person. She seemed like a very nice, earnest person. So I gave an honest opinion. I didn't rant or go on. I just let her know what working with this applicant would be like. Then I hung up the phone and laughed my maniacal laugh. These are the moments that evil daydreams are made of;rarely are they realized.

The MRI

Monday was Mon's birthday. Since Lane had a ballgame and she had to cheer we postponed the cake until last night. I baked a red velvet and a pineapple upside down cake. Our family has grown to large for just one cake. I then stayed up way to late watching videos on you tube, and reading. Bella came over this morning, but luckily she slept late with me. Miss Universe has to work today so we, Bella and I, are going to pick Mon up and take her to a doctors appointment. Speaking of doctors.
When Miss Universe went to the hospital a couple of weeks ago they diagnosed her as having had another stroke. She is only 33 so they began looking for the cause of these strokes. We went to Garden City last week for her MRI, did some shopping, and ate at a really good Mexican restaurant. The results of her test showed that she hasn't had any strokes. She has Multiple Sclerosis. I'm sure people aren't usually cheered up by this diagnosis, but we were. This future seems brighter than a future filled with several small strokes while waiting for the big one to hit. I have friends with family members in that position and it is a hard life. Our family mood has brightened. Last night she brought over the disc with her test on it we gathered around to looked at it.Since none of us now how to read an MRI we just laughed at how alien a brain filled skull can look from different angles. We are easily entertained.

Lazy day

I have the warm comfortable feeling that a couple of glasses of wine after a long, lazy day can offer. I was leaving work this morning and heading out of Elk when I remembered something that Jason had mentioned the day before. He had been craving pizza. Being in a good mood I decided to pull into Pizza Hut and grab him a pizza for lunch. It was going to be fifteen minutes so I walked out to the pick-up for a book. As I was opening the door I looked over at the golf course and realized what I really wanted to do was to go for a walk.
I've not been on many courses, but I have to say I have always thought this one was lovely. The sunshine was warm but there was still a cool morning breeze blowing. The butterflies and moths, of so many different colors, were fluttering around in what I am going to describe as a mating dance even though I have no idea if they mate at this time of the year. I steered clear of the few golfers that were out. Tramping through the rough I studiously watched for rattlesnakes and stirred up more than a few flights of birds. Often I think that golf courses are wasted on golfers. How can you get stressed about hitting a ball with all of this beauty around you? Someday I think I may take up golf, but never seriously. The only games I take seriously are tetris and minesweeper.
I didn't follow any paths, but made my way to the pond. At some spots the water was clear and I could see the moss waving in the currents and small fish darting about. In other parts the pond scum blocked my view but held a green, foamy beauty of its own. The fish were jumping enough to provide me with just the right amount of company. After I had circled the pond I figured it surely had been fifteen minutes so I walked back towards the pizza.

Miss Universe brought Bella over right after I got home. She was heading to work. Bella took a nap, so I took one too. after that I started three different movies but I just couldn't commit to any of them. I decided to watch the presidential debates instead. (recorded) After that I was getting restless so I went in and started cleaning the kitchen;it needed it. Bella decided she wanted me to jump on the trampoline with her. Well the dishes hadn't been more important than laying around all day so they could wait longer. After jumping until dark I did finally do a bit of cleaning.

Bella and I then went to Anna's for a glass of wine. We hadn't been there very long when Anna started an ear candle in her husband's ear. This scared Bella and she wanted to go home. She had tears in her eyes and kept whispering,'i want to go home.' I read her a book to distract her until the candle was finished and we stayed for another hour or two. We talked about movies, actors, and tv shows. It was very relaxing. We should probably go to bed now but, these types of days should last as long as possible.

I have been working as a trainer in our local office for the last two days. It is nice to be able to walk to work again and to come home on my lunch hour. Using my lunch hour to do dishes and run errands is not the same as reading, but shit is getting done.
Yet Lee is irritated with me because I keep forgetting to transfer money so he can buy clothing online. A bit naively I at one time thought that by having boys I would save time and money on clothing. Then the world shifted. Boys now spend as much time thinking about outfits as girls do. They buy expensive clothes, pick out belts, and own more shoes than I do. I remember back to when I rebelled against society by dressing much like a boy. I picked up Levis off of the floor pulled them on, covered my torso in a simple wrinkled t-shirt, then shoved on a denim jacket. Now I wouldn't have the time or energy to dress like a boy;it is much easier to just wear a sundress.

My dinner party went very well. The chicken was delicious. The recipe was simple mix mayo with apricot jam, add seasoning, marinate and bake. I baked a chocolate cake and covered it with a thin layer of Nutella;it was the perfect end to our meal. We drank a Blackstone Merlot and a Blackstone Pinot noir while we laughed over a bit of everything. It was lovely.

The last few days

A diagonal line will never be as attractive as it is on my work schedule. A diagonal line through a day denotes a day off. Today is a diagonal line. Last night I stayed up late again reading so I slept until 10:00 this morning. That is a lovely feeling. My body has told me many times over the years that the ideal time to sleep is from 2:00 to 10:00 in the a.m. If I had my way I would never argue with that logic.

The book I finished last night was The Time Traveler's Wife. It is the best fiction book I have read this year. After I finished reading the story I went ahead and answered all of the book club questions in the back before putting it down. Still not able to put the story away I went out and watched part of a hooters beauty pageant with dh just so I could find somebody to talk to about it. He was kind enough to feign interest while I talked as long as he didn't have to turn the channel. Then I took a few minutes to point which breasts I thought were real before going to bed.

Full of domestic energy today I have already seared a roast, de-glazed the pan with a Merlot, added it all to the crock pot with potatoes, onions, and carrots, made a pie crust, and invited Anna and her family over for supper tomorrow night. The roast and apple pie are for supper tonight. My mom gave me a large bag of apples and promised to buy the vanilla ice cream if I bake the pie. Tomorrow I am going to try out a chicken recipe, which I found at chicklit, and serve it with french bread and couscous.

Saturday night my neighbors through a party and didn't invite us. They are new to town and just invited the few friends who moved from Missouri with them and a mutual friend of ours. He was supposed to invite as many people as he could to make a party of it. Anna asked if I had been invited. She wasn't invited either so we joked about calling the police about the noise. We carried our beers to the computer and started watching Eddie Izzard on youtube. Some friends of ours came over and insisted we go to the party. She went right over while I went home and cooked supper for my family. Side note: if you are going to chop garlic and onion after a few beers be careful. Later dh and I went over and made joke about not being invited. It was a good night. I wound up in bed at four in the morning. Luckily my family never complains when the family breakfast doesn't start until noon.

Miss Universe

Miss Universe had a very tiny stroke yesterday. She is in the hospital while the doctors try to find out the cause of this stroke which happens to be the second tiny one she has had this year. It hit home that I have been taking the election a little too seriously the last few weeks. I was angry for people who appear to be deciding their candidate based on personality, race, or gender. Watching the news yesterday evening I was beginning to feel downright depressed by the people I was listening to. Could Clinton backers really switch to the McCain/Palin ticket just because she is female, or even worse, because they are angry? As a country we need to free ourselves from the bone crushing grip the fundies have on us. If not the freedoms we have enjoyed could become a permanent idea of the past. We really need to pull together not bicker over things that we can work out later. I was thinking thoughts like these when the phone rang. Actually I had just thought that I would never encourage anyone to go to another church again, not while pseudo Christians were preying on vulnerabilities of others to get votes, when the phone rang.
It was Rolando asking if I could watch his kids for the night while he stayed with Miss Universe at the hospital. This was real. This was the fear and anger that I had been faking earlier. The whole country could come crashing down and as long as I had my family safe and healthy around me things would be o.k. I hung up the phone and said a prayer for my sister. In the middle of the prayer I wondered if I should now apologize for my earlier thought. Afterwards I decided that my thought was still valid since it is organized religion that I despise, not God himself.
Miss Universe has not been herself lately. Instead of jumping up and down, being loud and boisterous, she has seemed tired and unwell. She is the girl who will walk into a room and randomly start dancing a jig while dressed in scrubs just because she knows we will laugh. She is a 'How the hell are you? Have a beer.' kind of girl. She is the warm, funny, loud kind of sister that balances out my cold heart. I love her so much and can't stand the thought of her being sick.

My head almost exploded

My patience was put to the test at work today. First let me give a bit of background. I work with two conservative ladies. One who is not so much of a conservative herself but she listens to a lot of them. Earlier this year she made a comment about the Clinton's spending government money. I responded calmly that they were probably no worse than any other politicians. The next day I was greeted by a printed e-mail explaining that the Clinton's were evil personified. That night it took about five minutes on the Internet to debunk every charge in the paper. I was then left with the choice of letting it go and having a bit of peace at work or being right. I chose peace. I wasn't at work yesterday so I missed her telling everybody that Palin's baby really belonged to her daughter. When she goes against code like this I smile. This is the reason I don't think she is strictly a conservative she just believes everything she hears.
My boss on the other hand is ultra-conservative. Unless it would mean criticizing somebody she likes. Having babies out of wedlock is horrible, unless you are somebody she likes. Divorce is bad unless you are her daughter, then it was necessary. She is not a bad person, it is just that her mind has a tight spring that keeps it from opening. If she likes you she will bend over backwards for you. She has always been extremely nice to me. If you make her mad though she will spend an amazing amount of energy trying to prove her point. Once you have made that mistake it is almost impossible to do anything right in her eyes, you have left yourself open to be killed by nitpicking. Still her anger has a very passive-aggressive feel. She will be polite to your face and then attack when you back is turned. The girl who I replaced had her hours severly cut, while nothing was said to her face.
I don't say all of this just to trash her but to explain why I keep my mouth shut when politics come up at work. It is a survival skill.
This morning she mentioned that Palin is on several magazine covers and they need to leave the poor lady alone. I didn't point out how many of the covers she seemed to have posed for, or the fact that she is auditioning to be next inline to the presidency. I left the bait untouched. She then told me about the swat team they have released into Alaska to find something to hold against her. I was afraid my silence would be noticed so I did respond that both sides did that. "It hasn't ever been this bad." She said with authority. "They went a little crazy against Clinton." I pointed out. To lighten the mood I made a joke about them finding something under the podium. "Well we don't seem to have to look as hard or make things up against the other side." She said. I tried to keep my face even as headlines about Rev. Wright or Barrack being a Muslim flashed through my head. She then added, "That's what Rush says." My mind was to busy trying to list all of the things wrong with this statement to hear the rest of what she said.
First of all 'Rush'! She said it casually as if they had just had lunch together the day before. He really should never be called by name unless you used only his last name and filled your voice with as much scorn as it could hold. I knew I could not mention my rule to her. It is simple once you mention or quote {scorn/]Limbaugh[/scorn] everything you say is written off, as you have just proven yourself as clueless and lazy. This is the lady who makes my schedule and decides if I can take off for my children's ballgames and award ceremonies. So I tried and tried to pull the voice of Russell into my head. 'I know the U.S. to be a' Then I would lose it. I tried again and again to pull the quote up, but the ignorance surrounding me bogged it down. Finally I did manage to hear "In England we wouldn't trust George W. Bush with a pair of scissors." At first it was faint then it repeated louder, and then again louder. It did save me. My head did not explode.

Thank you MTV

I rarely watch awards shows, tuning in only when I am in love with the host. By these guidelines I had to watch the VMA's. While Russell was not on his very best form I still laughed like Palin at a book burning. It was disappointing to see how few of the audience members got him, but not all of these are our best and brightest. In the aftermath I am finding the double standard irritating. Nobody got mad because he made fun of Madonna's sexuality, but make fun of purity and that is horrible. If you want to be famous your choices will be the fodder for comedians,that is a given. Why is purity and denial a more noble choice than embracing your sexual nature? Both are decisions and we should be teased for them equally.
Looking back I should have just watched the recording the next day. That way I could have fast forwarded any part that didn't have Russell Brand or Pink in them. Thankfully I didn't have the advantage of hindsight. Dh was watching throwball on our tv that night, so Lee called Miss Universe to see if he could watch the awards with them and I decided to go along. Unfortunately M.U. got called in to work so it was Ronaldo and his kids and me and Lee. We still had a great time making fun of everybody who took the stage. There was an interesting split in the group because Lee and I love R.B. and Rolando and his kids hadn't really heard of him. A few minutes into the show Rolando mentioned that this guy looked a lot like the guy in Forgetting Sarah Marshal. Not having heard of him didn't seem to hurt their enjoyment. They still laughed at his jokes, but were a little shocked by his forwardness.
It was a fun night. The hidden gift for me, which I will always be grateful to Russell for, was realized the next day at work. I had to hear the usual round of stupid political comments that were stolen straight from conservative talk shows. For once instead of a steady feeling of disgust rising in my body I felt the giggles coming on. In my head I heard a voice say "But I know America to be a forward-thinking country because otherwise why would you have let that retard and cowboy fella be President for eight years?" I hope this voice helps me through the next 56 days, because I'm going to need it.

My boss has been on vacation so days off have been nonexistent. I was supposed to work today but Tiki needed tomorrow off and offered a trade, so now my day off coincides with my birthday. My body decided that today would be a nice day to troll for vampires. How is that for a busy day? The nice thing about the school year is that when I have a day off I get the house to myself, except for Bella who needed a sitter today. I had a list of things I was going to get done on my next day off, but so far I've not done a thing. Bella slept until ten so I drank several cups of tea and read an issue of RollingStone cover to cover. Well of course I skipped the Tony Stewart article;he is a classic douche nozzle.
I caught up on this week's Daily Show episodes while eating more than one piece of tiramisu. The cake was my birthday present to myself. I made it last night and opened it a day early. Luckily I had made an extremely large cake so there was plenty left for today.
The other day I saw something that just cracked me up. Somebody mailed a small package to a person in Elk. They had wrote on the outside of the package that a dvd was enclosed that was rated R for nudity and violence. The p.s. read "However, I am mailing this into God's country so it may not make it."
Since school started I haven't really seen much of Jason or Lane. They have football practice, friends, homework, and girls to keep them away from me. Lee and I are usually alone for an hour or two every weeknight. Some nights we cook supper together. Tuesday night he made some fantastic fried onion and ham sandwiches while I made a red wine and asiago risotto. It was great and he is really comfortable to be in the kitchen with. I am starting to dread the day he decides to grow up and move out.

Summer

I have spent a good portion of the the summer traveling. Not to exotic places, just been putting on miles in the Midwest. At the end of June I agreed to be the responsible adult who took three kids to the Warped Tour in Denver. That was a fun trip. Jason, Lee, their friend Kip, and I set off at ten-thirty Saturday morning. I had to work at least a few hours on Saturday. We laughed all the way to Denver. I am trying to think of some of the things that were so funny, but for one reason or another none of them would be good things to write here. At one point we devised a contest in which the winner would be the one who caused the most emo kids to commit suicide that weekend. How can I write that and admit we were so irreverent? Many times Jason would say that he had to go to the bathroom and ask if Kip would like to come help. Kip would always jump up and agree to follow him to the bathroom. I write this I have to put it into context and explain that Kip is openly gay;something that would have been unheard of in our small Midwest high when I was attending. Jason is the epitome of the high school jock. Yet the two of them are great friends. Lee fits somewhere in the middle of these two. Kip has dedicated the song 'Your So Gay' to Lee. The two of them took a college class this summer under a teacher who was a fundamentalist. She knew that one of the two boys was gay but was never sure which one. Kip said that he hoped she would declare that it was Lee so he could jump up and say "Ha! I fooled you!" I asked Lee if the fact that she wasn't sure bothered him at all. He stood there in his skinny jeans and tight tee and said "no" in a tone that made it clear that it had never occurred to him to take it as a negative.
It took us an hour to find our hotel room because 18th street in Denver is place out of Harry Potter and it kept disappearing. We walked the 16th street mall That afternoon. Then we went and ate at one of the best Indian restaurants. Later when Lee wakes up I will ask him the name. He is the one who did the research and picked out which Indian restaurant we would eat at. It was never any question about the type of food. We don't live near any Indian restaurants so we try to force everyone to try one when we get out of town. Kip said the only ethnic food they eat at home is Americanized enchiladas and admitted to being a picky eater. We made him go anyway. I think he liked it. He didn't complain. At midnight we walked the mall again, well three of us did, Lee stayed in the room and went to bed. There are not many things more entertaining than drunks spilling out of bars and causing fights, unless it is drunken ladies staggering around on high heels.
Early the next morning we went to stand in line. If you are a band that is just starting out and need to sell a few cd's find Lee. He won't say no. I lost count of how many he bought. I walked all over the neighborhood trying to find sunblock. It was too early on a Sunday morning for the stores to open. So I walked back and stood in line. Then at ten-thirty I went back. I couldn't find a store that sold any, which I thought was very odd. So I walked back. We were one of the first people to get in so I quickly bought some at a booth. The tour itself was fun, but I enjoyed just roaming the city better. My biggest suggestion to this type of a tour is a venue with more grass and shade. Lee was in his element. He met the members of his favorite bands, got to experience a pit, and meet countless liberal women. I only mention the last part because that is one of his complaints about the area we live in;he is surrounded by conservatives.

A few days before the Denver trip we made a trip to Wichita to pick up my girls. They spent the month of July with us. I kept planning on taking them on a little vacation either to the volcano in New Mexico or to Bishop's Castle in Colorado, but we never did have time to go. Lane's all star team made it to state so we went to Columbus Ks. instead. One night we did drive into Joplin to eat, so they at least made it out of the state. Princess, while being very princess like in some ways, is not a dainty girl. She insisted on fighting the whole time we were gone. More than one boy got the crap kicked out of him by a girl that weekend.

At the start of August we had to take them home. Miss Universe decided she wanted to go also so we loaded up all of the kids but Jason and went shopping. We did most of our school clothes shopping while we were there. I hate shopping for clothes and was glad to have that out of the way. Lane's phone fell in slushy while we were driving. I swear these kids cost me way too much money. We did make one stop I was happy with. We went to get ice cream. I love Stone Cold Creamery. My usual choice is peanut butter blended with Mocha and pecans mixed in. It didn't disappoint. While we were eating it Lee and I walked over to the tea shop and picked up some loose leaf tea.

Last weekend Jason went to Amarillo with Miss Universe to do his shopping. I was glad to not have to go on another shopping trip.

personality test

I always hate taking these things because usually both answers seem right. I feel I can be two different people depending on my mood. This makes me shocked when I agree with the profile at the end of the test. I always wonder if I would equally agree if the opposite profile would have been given.

Me complaining

Over the years The fourth of July has become a reflective holiday for me. I have always loved to sit and watch the fireworks and let my mind wander. It used to be a sort of happy introspection. For the last several years it has been a melancholy introspection.
For the most part my life is great. I love being me. My marriage though has not been all that great for years now. The fourth of July has become the time for me to reflect on weather my general happiness has been affected enough tip the scales. This year I am beginning to see a drop.
What I am weighing is the amount of dissatisfaction I have, against my need to raise my boys in the manner they have become accustom. I grew up in a poor and unstable environment. Like every parent I want my children to have more than I did. For the most part we live below our means. We don't have a fancy house or car. I don't spend much on clothing for myself. I just want them to get up every morning and not wonder who is still a part of their household. I want for them to never go to bed wondering how much longer they will have a roof over their head and food on the table. I want to be able to help them pay for college. At one point I thought that my new job would pay enough to accomplish this. This last month my hours have been cut so much I'm not really sure this is possible. So for one more year I have pushed the scales back to even.
Since I am using this space to complain today I will also mention that even though my hours have been cut it has been giving me no more time to spend at home. My lunches have went from one to three hours. If I worked closer to home I would love this arrangement. It just seems like a waste of time and gas to drive 17 miles home and back, so I hang out in Elk for my long lunches.
I will end my pity party here.

We the people are screwed

"New Forest Service rules could let largest private landowner to convert hundreds of thousands of acres of mountain forestland to residential subdivisions."

Are we going to overturn every good thing our country has done in its short history? The Bush Ad. is sure going to give it a try.

"the Bush administration is preparing to ease the way for the nation's largest private landowner to convert hundreds of thousands of acres of mountain forestland to residential subdivisions."

I really thought we were trying to curb urban sprawl. My contempt for the U.S. government and large corporations is spreading to a few private citizens also.

"The former timber lobbyist who oversees the U.S. Forest Service" This phrase sums up so much of what is wrong with our country. I wonder how many of our politicians are making money off of this deal? Our grandchildren may never see this land as it should be. The bear and other forest dwellers may never have grandchildren. I hope all of the douche bags who profited enjoy spending the cash.