Sunday, February 09, 2014

Soon after Jason's death I realized I was suffering from ptsd. The first time I noticed it was a couple days after his death. I was coming home for the night. For the first week I spent most of my days at Miss Universe's house. At night I would come home to sleep. I noticed that when I came home I would pause before opening a door, or get tense as I turned a corner. I asked myself what was wrong? Was I afraid of the dark? I realized right away what it was. I was afraid of finding something horrifying.

The hesitation around every corner went away quickly, especially since I refused to sleep away from my home. What has stuck around is social anxiety. Being in a room full of people, especially a room full of people that do not know my situation makes my skin crawl. It is hard to describe. I feel the need to explain to everyone why I am not myself. I realize that these people do not know my son. Some how that makes it worse. I want to run away, maybe scrub myself with brillo pads in the shower.

Last night I agreed to go to a bar with a friend. We agreed that the moment I felt like it we would leave. At first my skin crawled. I started to scratch everywhere. After two tequila sunrises I felt ok. I switched to Blue Moons. The night went well. We came home at two this morning. At six I had to get up for work.

After work I cooked Lane lunch and took a nap. He played in Tribune in the evening and Diva and I were driving up to watch. After the game we went to a gastropub to eat. If you are surprised to hear that there is a gastropub in Tribune do not feel bad I was too. The food was delicious. We tried a couple of new beers and still made it home by ten thirty. Crossing a time zone was helpful.

The food at Elliot's was great. As we were pulling back into town another friend sent me a text asking if I wanted to go out for her brother's birthday. I decided to go. We went to three different bars. Yes there were a few points where I was uncomfortable. I ran into several people who were friends of myself and Jason's. It was an emotional night, but I had to face the public at some point.

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