It has been two months since I found Jason. The guilt is getting easier to carry. I know it will always be with me. I am getting used to it hanging around my neck on a chain. Sometimes when I lie down at night the weight of it will make it hard for me to breath. Two months since I failed as a mother. It is not that I failed in that one instant. It is that as his mother it was my job to give him what he needed to live. I did not do that, not because I did not want to, but because I did not know how. Ironically I did not spend all day thinking about Jason today. The thoughts were always there, but at times they were a in the back of my mind.
Instead I was thinking about what type of person I want to be. My supervisor at work can be a mean, petty person. Having worked for her for seven years I am used to it. I see her treat others in a backhanded, deceitful manner on a daily basis. Usually I can be philosophical about it and remind myself of all the good traits she has. She can be a kind, caring person if you are on her good side. As far as bosses go I could do worse. Just so you do not think I am exaggerating I looked back and I am the only employee who has lasted more than 2 years underneath her. The rest have found different jobs and contact me regularly to make sure I am doing ok.
Yesterday though I was fed up. Monday morning started off badly because I refused to laugh at her 'global warming' jokes. I do not get paid enough for that. She pointed out how bad the Olympics were going in Russia. Somehow she tied this to Russia being a communist state and pointed out that it baffled her that everyone in this country wanted to be socialist now. I could have argued about what is and what is not socialism, but I did not see the point. She went on to say that in socialism the rich have everything and the poor just keep getting poorer. I calmly pointed out that all countries and most systems have this problem. It is happening here as we speak. Another coworker took up that line of conversation and we talked about history for several minutes as we worked. All the while our boss muttered opinions in such a low voice we could not hear what she was saying, but could tell she was disagreeing. I was tempted to say that if my arguments would not hold water in a conversation I would make sure nobody could hear them either. Since I still have a leave slip waiting for her signature I bit my tongue. She spent most of the day being hateful to me. I ignored her, and by the end of the day she was happy with me again.
Yesterday she was nice, but continued a trend she has been trying lately. She does part of my work, has other contract workers volunteer to do my work, sends me home early, and finishes my work. She has explained that it is because I cannot have overtime. If it were saving the company money to limit my hours I would not be angry. It really is not about the money. It is the fact that she gets six to nine hours of overtime a week doing my job. Since she makes more than I do this is costing the company more money. Last time we were shorthanded we split the overtime so neither of us would get burned out and could still have a life.
Having a head cold did not help my attitude. I was tired, cranky, congested, and wondering why I had not called in sick. In the 11 years I have worked at this job I have only called in sick three or four times. I just go to work no matter what. As I walked out the door I decided I was calling in sick the next morning. She could either scramble to replace me or do it all herself. I also considered calling the union or several other backhanded options.
This morning though I decided to go to work. Not just go, but to enjoy myself, smile, get along with my boss, and be positive. If I were to do anything spiteful just to pay her back I would be learning from her example and becoming like her. I like being me. I am not spiteful or backhanded. Despite the occasional temptation. I should be myself and encourage her to follow my example. I did just that and had a nice day. Nice girls do win. She told me today she had gotten approval to give me overtime until we hired another employee.
The thought of Jason was always in the back of my mind. I could see him all day hanging in my peripheral vision. Every since Saturday I have been watching him play basketball in my mind. That was much better. Tomorrow I hope I see him smiling at me. I love him and hope he is proud of me. He is one of the kindest people I have ever met. He should be happy knowing I smiled instead of scowled all day.