Wednesday, February 05, 2014

a better day

I really felt like I was just going to give up everything. Why bother to recycle, conserve energy, speak out against social injustice. Suddenly none of it seemed to matter anymore. I wanted to just curl up in my own life with my books let the world go on without me.

This morning I woke to find my water had frozen off. This was after I had made sure I had left it dripping in two different rooms last night. So I went out in the eight degree morning, tramped through the snow and set a couple of heaters under the house. As I walked out the door I decided that I just wanted to sell the place and get an apartment.  Then after I was finished I looked around at everything covered in the beautiful coverlet of snow and smiled at the morning.

At work a co-worker, who I really like, showed me an ad for Duck Dynasty. She wanted to know if I had watched them, because they are really funny. Many days I would have just said no, but something inside of me broke free and pointed out that I find them offensive.

Then as I continued to work alone. Not alone because nobody likes me, but because the bulk if my job is solitary. Something somebody said on FB the day before irritated me. Some people are wondering why an actor who died of a heroin overdose gets more sympathy than a dead soldier. I formed arguments on many subjects today that nobody will likely hear.

At lunch I wanted to be alone. That has become the norm for me. So I went to the park to sit in my car and look at the snow and trees. It was freezing, but I shut off my car. Not to save gas, but for the environment. I had my large coat over me, but it was still very cold. Back at work I changed out of my snow boots and into my shoes. As my feet warmed up I felt my self smile. Not quite in happiness, but in at least contentment.

My second job is cleaning an office building. As I was working today I realized that I missed the old me. I missed being cheerful, funny, and light. Now, even when I'm laughing, I feel heavy. I avoid looking people in the eye now. Probably because I do not want people to see the pain inside of me, but I am not completely sure why. I know that this amount of grief is going to permanently change me. I am just hoping it does not make me mean and bitter.

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