My mind is a jumbled mess today. For some reason this week has been harder than last. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I am making decisions on the headstone, or reading the autopsy report. It could just be that I'm tired from other commitments like work, we're shorthanded again, and school board. All day I am exhausted then night comes and my brain won't shut off. It feels like I am starting over on dealing with the guilt and pain. The nausea is increased back to the original level too. On the plus side at least I do not have to deal with the guilt of moving on.
Last night I went to bed at ten, slept fitfully until four, then fell into a really deep sleep until six-thirty. For the first week or two after Jason's death I did occasionally forget when I was asleep and suddenly remember after being awake for a few seconds. I thought that phase was in the past.
When I woke up this morning I laid still for a minute with a vague feeling like there was something I had been trying to remember. I thought to myself, "why was I thinking about death last night?" Then it hit me suddenly and hard. The brain is a funny thing. I wonder if it had to temporarily forget so I could get those few hours of sleep.