Saturday, January 04, 2014

Heading for relapse?

With the drive being so far I knew I would only be able to visit Jason on Sundays. I sent Lee a text telling him I would be in Newton on Sunday and that we should meet for lunch. I feel bad that I don't see my oldest son often enough. Jason had wanted me to drive to Lawrence a few weeks before this to visit Lee with him. He had picked a week that I could not take off of work. I seem to have too many of those.

Wednesday I get a call from Prairie View. They are releasing Jason the next day. I need to be there to transfer him to a rehab facility, which they are still trying to find one to take him, or to drive him home with me. The social worker is trying hard to place him in a dual facility that can deal with his mental illness as well as his addiction problem. She called Valley Hope and tried to talk them into taking him back but they refused. This irritated me. No mom likes to hear that somebody does not want their son. If they only knew how lovely he could be.

When I get there I meet with Jason and the social worker. One look at his eyes and know he is having a bad day. I mention how fidgety he is to her. I was really encouraged on Monday, but now I am having second thoughts. Maybe he should stay a bit longer. I never imagined they would let him out so soon. I had expected to be visiting him at least two more Sundays. The doctor had signed off on him being no longer a danger to himself or others.

On the drive home he crawled in the backseat to finish a short story he had started writing. I think this is a good sign. I had been encouraging him to keep a journal and do something creative. When we finish we listen to Nirvana. It is cold and snowy for the last half of the drive. On road trips like this I always appreciate my children. All three of them are good travelling partners. Jason and I like much of the same music and have several things to talk about. He tells me about going to the gym and playing basketball. He is excited about the fact that he can run now. Despite the cold he has me drop him off a block from home so he can show me how fast he can run. His enthusiasm makes me laugh. In so many ways he is still my baby boy.

He seems better that weekend. In the nights to follow he does not climb in to bed with me. I take this as a sign that his medication is starting to work. On Saturday I decide to go out with some friends for drinks. I have not done this is months. I was afraid I would overdo it and I was right. To many tequila shots land me in bed sick by midnight. My sister, Miss Universe, came over and spent the night talking to Jason. Her, Lane, and Jason take some adorable selfies. The next day Jason sleeps in; they were up most of the night. I go have lunch with some friends.

That evening Jason is rummaging through the cabinets. He asks where I keep the nutmeg. I ask him what he is doing as I look for it. Cooking is his answer. What are you cooking I say as I look around the kitchen at zero other ingredients. I read online that two tablespoons of nutmeg will get you high he tells me. I look in the jar. There is maybe two teaspoons left. What does it do I ask. It causes auditory hallucinations is his answer. That is what we are trying to cure! I am glad I do not have more for him to take.

After work on Monday he is excited to show me that he has found a way to get high with tabasco sauce. It is a complicated procedure that includes putting some in his eye. I shake my head. I have a school board meeting that night. I make him a couple of sandwiches before I leave. I warn him that the tabasco sauce cannot possibly be good for his eye. I fear he is headed for another relapse. I am frustrated that I do not know how to stop it.

The next morning I call and remind him he has a psychiatrist appointment that afternoon. I arrange for my sister, Fria Chica, to take him. Later when I get home from work he still is not home. I had talked to Jason's dad earlier in the day and had learned from him that Jason had went to Hugoton and hung out with a couple of friends that morning. He talked to his dad on the phone and was cheerful. It really does seem like he is getting back to being himself. I leave for Lane's out of town ball game.

On the way to the game Jason calls me he asks for $20. For what I ask. Oh, you know I just want to buy stuff. I tell him it will be a couple of hours before I am back in town. He wants to drive to me and get it. I tell him I do not want to give him money for anything he wants that bad. Crap, now I am sure he is heading for relapse.

No comments: