Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Drama Queen was let out of the psych ward yesterday. Early in the afternoon she called the girls and told them she was leaving to drive down and pick them up. I checked my phone during my school board meeting last night and noticed she had tried to call. I sent a text promising to call back after my meeting. She sent a couple of apology/I love you texts. It was good to know she was not mad at me for sending the police to her house.

After my meeting she did not answer her phone. I set up a space documentary on my laptop for myself and Maxie to watch while we folded clothes. Then the feel sorry for myself/I hate you texts started. I asked if she was drinking. I know I should not have been, but I was shocked. This just started her on a whole new line of why I was a disappointment to her. I ignored her and went to bed. She did pick up the girls tonight. Of course there was some drama in which she told me to fuck off. No thank you for making sure the girls were picked up as soon as possible. Soon enough that they were not assigned a social worker and were kept out of the system. That did not surprise me.

I flipped open my laptop after they left. There smiling back at me was the picture of Jason I have as a background. The funny thing is that yesterday was the first day I could think of him before he became sick. Before when I tried my brain always led me back to him being sick, and then to his death. For two days now I have been smiling at all of the fun times we have had with him.

You know that little voice that stops you from doing things that would be funny but also problematic? Jason did not have one of those. One day I sat down next to him on the sofa with a bowl of cereal. Suddenly he reached over and grabbed a handful of my cereal, milk and all,  which he then tried to shove in his mouth.

Looking at his picture tonight it hit me that that kid was dead. Not just Jason who had been suffering for months, but also the sweet, funny kid that I has made my house so interesting for years. He is gone too. I wonder if I am going to be constantly getting used to this idea for the rest of my life.

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