Tuesday, May 27, 2014


I am a mess tonight. Any sort of stress sends me crying these days. Today was not a bad day, but it had its moments. I woke early and decided to go grocery shopping. I had not been intending to decorate Jason's grave today. For one reason I still think of Memorial Day as a day we honor vets, but mostly because I have never relied on a calendar to tell me when to think of someone. I feel the same way about Valentine's day. If a man is only going to act sweet and romantic one day a year because society tells him he should then I would rather he not bother.

Then a few people mentioned it to me, Rolando bought flowers for Jason's grave, and I felt guilty. So I decided that while I was shopping I would pick up flowers. At the store I looked over my list, saw that I was done, and headed to check out. Suddenly I remembered I was going to get flowers. I had forgotten them. I had forgotten the one thing I was going to do for him. I started crying in the store.

By time I had checked out and loaded the groceries in the car I felt better. Then on the drive home for some reason, it escapes me now, I was thinking about why I stayed in the same small town all of these years. I had wanted to give my children roots. I wanted them to have a place they called their hometown. I think some of my siblings would have been better adjusted adults if they would not have had to deal with the stress of always being the new kid as a child.

For all of my good intentions nothing changed. Jason still died. Tears flowing again. The thing is I cannot save anybody. I am trying to give my nieces a stable home for as long as I can, but it will not change anything. No matter how much I try to help the same problems will still course through my family and society flowing down the generations.

The drive was over. The kids helped carry in groceries. I felt better. A glass of wine with Anna and her husband, cookout with the Rolando's family, and then a game of Loteria and I was feeling happy. I took the girls for a walk. My nephew came along on his bike. It was a peaceful evening. I did not make it out to the cemetery, but I was fine with that.

Then after I had cuddled up with the baby and fell asleep my phone rang. It was Drama Queen. I did not answer it. She never calls at midnight with pleasant things to say. I drifted off again. My phone was buzzing as she sent me several messages.  I should not have read them, but I did. She said a few hateful things about me being a drunk and a hot mess. I ignored that. Then she told me she was giving the baby to her dad for the summer. I love this baby. Hopefully I'm wrong, or Drama Queen was lying, but I do not think this is a good idea.  The stress of worrying about this baby's future has brought me to full blown sobbing.

If I can go to sleep now I can sleep for five hours.

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