The one where I place too much importance on myself

The irritation on President Obama's face was easy to read as he displayed his birth certificate. It was easy to assume I knew the depth of his feeling, I too thought we as a nation had better discussions to spend our time on. Sunday night as I was driving my son, Lee, to the train station I heard the news about Bin Laden. As it became clear that he had been watching this closely for a week I knew his frustration level with the birthers was both deeper than his face had showed and was completely justified. He really did have better things to do.

At this point I am going to compare my small problems with those of the U.S. President. Bear with me. During my April board meeting we discussed teacher evaluations. It became clear that a man who I feel to be a great teacher was about to lose his job and their was not a damn thing I could do to stop it. Another teacher, who is not the best teacher, was also going to be asked to leave, not unusual, except that we all knew he was also going through a serious personal issue that his job loss would compound. We also discussed several minor issues such as the buying a new vehicle and alleged drinking on the senior trip.
Our meeting lasted until 1:30 in the morning. Afterward I showered and lay in bed thinking about the families of the two men we had discussed. This is a small community. Everybody knows everybody and their families. The great teacher and his wife are friends of ours. We have talked over supper, laughed over drinks, shared clothes, parenting tips, and inside jokes. His children would have to change schools. The community was going to lose a good worker and organizer when his wife moved. I really felt that as a board we were making a big mistake for the community and an even bigger one for the school. Great teachers are hard to find.

When I woke at 6:30 I had gotten little sleep. No one would know about the teachers for a while. All day at work I carried around my worries. At home I looked at the clock and decided I had time for a short nap. I curled up on the sofa by Beezus and closed my eyes. Twenty minutes later the phone rang. It was a friend, who also happens to be a teacher, she disagreed with our decision on the senior trip. I tried to stay calm. The conversation was heated, at one point I mentioned that we had more important things to worry about. After the phone call I was irritated, angry, and more than a little hurt. Being exhausted amplified these feeling. The phone rang. It was Drama Queen. She started yelling curse words at me. Apparently I am not raising her children up to her standards. I was also allowing them to have visits with their father, which he has legal rights to, and she was angry. Usually I just stay calm when she is like this and wait for her too calm down too. This night I yelled into the phone "I am not in the fucking mood" and hung up. She called back apologized then started screaming again. I hung up. She sent several texts which I ignored. She called again. Jason answered I could hear his quiet voice talking to her,saying that I was not coming to the phone. I was laying with Lane on his bed. My children are used to me being on an even keel, not laying on a bed crying. Jason came back to the room and both boys lay with me while I cried. I have great children.

Later I went to the local office to do a bit of work.  I had decided that there seemed to be a split between what the school board should be focused on and what everybody else wanted us to focus on. My time on the board is donated, my sleepless nights ate given with little reward. I was willing to donate this time for the sake of the school, however, I was not willing to give up this time for stupid arguments that mostly stemmed from previous arguments and hurt feelings.  I wrote my resignation letter and sent it out to the board and administration.

I was concerned that when the emotions cleared I would regret leaving the board. A week later I felt pretty good about my decision. There had been a flood of positive responses to my letter asking me to reconsider. I had talked to two of the administration members, who I have respect for, and agreed to give my resignation more thought. After two weeks of thought, and several more conversations, with that same friend I had fought with, I still felt happy with my decision. The friend had called me when the great teacher put in his resignation. She apologized, she knew then what I had alluded too, and agreed that this was a much bigger problem.  I was happy to be off of the board and have this weight lifted from me.

Then one evening dh came home and mentioned the two men who were vying for my position. Not two men really, but two douche bags. A phrase I mean in the strongest possible way. My mind played forward what meetings would be like with either of these two in attendance. I thought of the what this would mean for the teachers, it would not be good, and the students. I rescinded my resignation. In two years when my term is up I will rethink my position again. If either of these two are to be on the board they will be there because they were elected, not because I handed it to them.

All of this to say that our president has important decisions to make. Could we please insist that the media educate us on these things? Could we talk about our future as a nation and not every stupid thing that some idiot throws out as a talking point?

logic clouded by hate

Again this morning I was working quietly when my boss found me. We had been talking about the flu earlier in the morning. She was convinced, by that infamous "news" channel, that H1N1 was just a government hoax. Now whenever somebody we know falls ill with it, and several people have, I make sure to tell her. Entertainment is hard to come by at work; I take it where I find it. This time she turned the corner and showed me a look of complete hurt. "Did you know fourteen soldiers died in Afghanistan last night?" No I hadn't heard that I responded. "Of course he is acting like nothing happened. He was on Letterman again. I think he is running for entertainer of the year." How do I respond to that? I went with my go to move of turning back to my work. Fortunately she wasn't waiting for a response. "I think we could solve this whole problem by loading up a missle with swine flu and blowing it up in the middle of Afghaninstan. We could just kill off the whole country that way." Apparently she doesn't think genocide is a goal to be shied away from. These type of comments always deserve a response. So I said. I just heard on the radio this morning that Afghanistan has one of the highest rates of death during childbirth in the world. No response from her. They have an undeveloped medical care system. I added. She turned and went back to work. How do you respond to a statement like that.

Conservatives

I am not the only [I pause here because I don't know what to call myself, non-conservative is the best I can come up with] non-conservative in my area, but some days it feels like I am. Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. I am not sure how I feel about that because I am not sure who else was up for it or if there was a more deserving person out there. As President he should be working towards peace simply as part of his job. The specifics are not what has struck me today anyway;they are not what I want to talk about.
I was working quietly, as I do most days, when my boss came to tell me about the prize. I could tell she was shocked, and I knew how she would feel without her saying a word. She went ahead and told me anyway. I tried to change the conversation so I asked what he had won it for? She didn't know. "Surely not for his great speeches." She said in an angry, sarcastic tone. "Or just for being king of the world." She added. She was getting worked up now. "I heard the new dog made a mess in Air Force One that will cost us $500.00 to clean." I knew I couldn't take much more of this so I started laughing and said I could imagine that conversation at home. I mimicked my own childrens' 'please moms' and 'I promises' to show how it could have happened in any family. This parent just happened to be the President, and the vehicle was Air Force One. Not to be derailed she wondered how he could possible control (her word) the nation if he couldn't control his family. I started talking about having kids in the White house. I casually brought up Kessler's book. I mentioned, as if I were heading nowhere with the conversation, how he said Chelsea Clinton was supposed to have caused very little trouble. Then I brought up how much trouble the Bush children were said to have caused. She believes, at this point in the conversation, that it is hard to live in the White House when every little thing you do is going to be picked on by the press. She then started talking about how hard it would have to be to have the secret service always following you while you were growing up. How it would be hard to not rebel against it. She ended the conversation by saying she guessed how the child reacted would depend on the age of the child at the time. I let the conversation end, because that is what I really wanted anyway. I could have pointed out that Chelsea was also a teenager when her father was in the White House, or that her measure of 'controlling children' would make Bush a worse President than Obama or Clinton. Sometimes though I think that it is better to let people see their own hypocrisy slowly as they replay conversations in their head.

Miss Universe

Miss Universe had a very tiny stroke yesterday. She is in the hospital while the doctors try to find out the cause of this stroke which happens to be the second tiny one she has had this year. It hit home that I have been taking the election a little too seriously the last few weeks. I was angry for people who appear to be deciding their candidate based on personality, race, or gender. Watching the news yesterday evening I was beginning to feel downright depressed by the people I was listening to. Could Clinton backers really switch to the McCain/Palin ticket just because she is female, or even worse, because they are angry? As a country we need to free ourselves from the bone crushing grip the fundies have on us. If not the freedoms we have enjoyed could become a permanent idea of the past. We really need to pull together not bicker over things that we can work out later. I was thinking thoughts like these when the phone rang. Actually I had just thought that I would never encourage anyone to go to another church again, not while pseudo Christians were preying on vulnerabilities of others to get votes, when the phone rang.
It was Rolando asking if I could watch his kids for the night while he stayed with Miss Universe at the hospital. This was real. This was the fear and anger that I had been faking earlier. The whole country could come crashing down and as long as I had my family safe and healthy around me things would be o.k. I hung up the phone and said a prayer for my sister. In the middle of the prayer I wondered if I should now apologize for my earlier thought. Afterwards I decided that my thought was still valid since it is organized religion that I despise, not God himself.
Miss Universe has not been herself lately. Instead of jumping up and down, being loud and boisterous, she has seemed tired and unwell. She is the girl who will walk into a room and randomly start dancing a jig while dressed in scrubs just because she knows we will laugh. She is a 'How the hell are you? Have a beer.' kind of girl. She is the warm, funny, loud kind of sister that balances out my cold heart. I love her so much and can't stand the thought of her being sick.

My head almost exploded

My patience was put to the test at work today. First let me give a bit of background. I work with two conservative ladies. One who is not so much of a conservative herself but she listens to a lot of them. Earlier this year she made a comment about the Clinton's spending government money. I responded calmly that they were probably no worse than any other politicians. The next day I was greeted by a printed e-mail explaining that the Clinton's were evil personified. That night it took about five minutes on the Internet to debunk every charge in the paper. I was then left with the choice of letting it go and having a bit of peace at work or being right. I chose peace. I wasn't at work yesterday so I missed her telling everybody that Palin's baby really belonged to her daughter. When she goes against code like this I smile. This is the reason I don't think she is strictly a conservative she just believes everything she hears.
My boss on the other hand is ultra-conservative. Unless it would mean criticizing somebody she likes. Having babies out of wedlock is horrible, unless you are somebody she likes. Divorce is bad unless you are her daughter, then it was necessary. She is not a bad person, it is just that her mind has a tight spring that keeps it from opening. If she likes you she will bend over backwards for you. She has always been extremely nice to me. If you make her mad though she will spend an amazing amount of energy trying to prove her point. Once you have made that mistake it is almost impossible to do anything right in her eyes, you have left yourself open to be killed by nitpicking. Still her anger has a very passive-aggressive feel. She will be polite to your face and then attack when you back is turned. The girl who I replaced had her hours severly cut, while nothing was said to her face.
I don't say all of this just to trash her but to explain why I keep my mouth shut when politics come up at work. It is a survival skill.
This morning she mentioned that Palin is on several magazine covers and they need to leave the poor lady alone. I didn't point out how many of the covers she seemed to have posed for, or the fact that she is auditioning to be next inline to the presidency. I left the bait untouched. She then told me about the swat team they have released into Alaska to find something to hold against her. I was afraid my silence would be noticed so I did respond that both sides did that. "It hasn't ever been this bad." She said with authority. "They went a little crazy against Clinton." I pointed out. To lighten the mood I made a joke about them finding something under the podium. "Well we don't seem to have to look as hard or make things up against the other side." She said. I tried to keep my face even as headlines about Rev. Wright or Barrack being a Muslim flashed through my head. She then added, "That's what Rush says." My mind was to busy trying to list all of the things wrong with this statement to hear the rest of what she said.
First of all 'Rush'! She said it casually as if they had just had lunch together the day before. He really should never be called by name unless you used only his last name and filled your voice with as much scorn as it could hold. I knew I could not mention my rule to her. It is simple once you mention or quote {scorn/]Limbaugh[/scorn] everything you say is written off, as you have just proven yourself as clueless and lazy. This is the lady who makes my schedule and decides if I can take off for my children's ballgames and award ceremonies. So I tried and tried to pull the voice of Russell into my head. 'I know the U.S. to be a' Then I would lose it. I tried again and again to pull the quote up, but the ignorance surrounding me bogged it down. Finally I did manage to hear "In England we wouldn't trust George W. Bush with a pair of scissors." At first it was faint then it repeated louder, and then again louder. It did save me. My head did not explode.

Thank you MTV

I rarely watch awards shows, tuning in only when I am in love with the host. By these guidelines I had to watch the VMA's. While Russell was not on his very best form I still laughed like Palin at a book burning. It was disappointing to see how few of the audience members got him, but not all of these are our best and brightest. In the aftermath I am finding the double standard irritating. Nobody got mad because he made fun of Madonna's sexuality, but make fun of purity and that is horrible. If you want to be famous your choices will be the fodder for comedians,that is a given. Why is purity and denial a more noble choice than embracing your sexual nature? Both are decisions and we should be teased for them equally.
Looking back I should have just watched the recording the next day. That way I could have fast forwarded any part that didn't have Russell Brand or Pink in them. Thankfully I didn't have the advantage of hindsight. Dh was watching throwball on our tv that night, so Lee called Miss Universe to see if he could watch the awards with them and I decided to go along. Unfortunately M.U. got called in to work so it was Ronaldo and his kids and me and Lee. We still had a great time making fun of everybody who took the stage. There was an interesting split in the group because Lee and I love R.B. and Rolando and his kids hadn't really heard of him. A few minutes into the show Rolando mentioned that this guy looked a lot like the guy in Forgetting Sarah Marshal. Not having heard of him didn't seem to hurt their enjoyment. They still laughed at his jokes, but were a little shocked by his forwardness.
It was a fun night. The hidden gift for me, which I will always be grateful to Russell for, was realized the next day at work. I had to hear the usual round of stupid political comments that were stolen straight from conservative talk shows. For once instead of a steady feeling of disgust rising in my body I felt the giggles coming on. In my head I heard a voice say "But I know America to be a forward-thinking country because otherwise why would you have let that retard and cowboy fella be President for eight years?" I hope this voice helps me through the next 56 days, because I'm going to need it.