The day off

I am hiding out in my house. Today is my first day off work since school started. With my first look at the schedule I was excited. A day off, home alone, no appointments to haul children to, this was a gift. A gift that needed protecting. I bluntly told Fria Chica, Mom, Anna and her husband, that they were not to come to my house on Wednesday; they would be locked out. I knew I could say this to them and they would understand. I informed them that if they told my brother I was to be home they would be killed. His feelings are more easily bruised. The only worry left was dh, his feelings are tender also . I did not tell him I was having a day off, and was just hoping it would not be a day where he popped in and out of the house several times.  Then during an unrelated conversation he reminded me that Wednesday was the start of dove season, not the chocolates. That meant he would be staying Tuesday night at the river drinking with his buddies. All day Wednesday would be spent killing God's innocent creatures. I was relieved.

As I have whined about in another post my several of my family members are going through rough times at the moment. Being a fixer and a worrier this has caused a lot of stress for me lately. My brother has a few personality issues and depression problems that have made being a part of the work force hard for him. Many times when he is between jobs Mom and I have been able to provide a bit of a cushion for him. This time however it just is not feasible. We make sure he has a place to come, talk, and have a meal, but today I need a break, for my sanity.
Miss Universe has been keeping to herself too much lately. I need to reach out to her and see how she is doing. This past year she has left her husband, lived alone, drank heavily, had boyfriends, moved back in with her husband, and is spending a few weekends in jail to atone for a crime she did or did not commit. I worry about her, but I always know she will come out of this just fine, she always does.
Drama Queen. What can I say about her. She hit a downward spiral four years ago and cannot make her way back up. Last spring when the girls moved in with me if felt final. All summer it felt final. Even when I cautioned myself that she would want the girls to move back in with her when school started my heart would not believe it. She entered and left rehab three times this summer. Each time she would call a family member and insist that they drive to Wichita to take her to rehab, if not she would kill herself. She has grown fond of talking about how suicidal she is. I always refused. Fria Chica and Mom started to refuse after she had checked herself back out after two emotional days of checking her in and making arrangements for her. She sucks the energy out of a person. Once when I was leaving Lawrence I had to stop by Wichita and check on her, Mom insisted. She let me in then passed back out on her couch. I made my way through the bottles and debris to the bathroom. Before I left I kissed her goodbye and asked three times if she was going to lock the door behind me. She called the next day to talk. She had had a vague dream about me. She had no recollection of my having been there. The unlocked door had bothered her all morning, she knew someone had been in her house, but had no idea what they had done. She was relieved to find out that it was me, and that I had not violated her. I didn't mention the kiss.
Since her family had quit answering her calls for help she called friend. Worried, her friend called the police to check on her. She was drunk and belligerent when they arrived on the scene. She was put into rehab, but had talked her way out by the end of the weekend. My sister is a beautiful, skilled actor. They agreed that she wasn't masking any mental illnesses with her drinking, she just need outpatient treatment to help control her alcohol problem. You and I would have believed her too. I have seen her in action, she is good.
While I was checking out of the motel to leave Ks. City she called to talk. I stepped out of line and sat in a large overstuffed chair to hear about her weekend. We laughed as she told me about stumbling in her apartment and hitting her head on the mantle. She had no idea where in Wichita she had left her vehicle. She had told off a few of her boyfriends. I was regaled by her stories. She was in a buoyant mood. Her enthusiasm was catchy. By the time we had hung up I was in a silly mood too. Later, in a rare book store in Lawrence, I talked to here again. She was drunk and crying hysterically. We talked for about ten minutes about how bad her life was. Upon hanging up the phone I instructed the boys not to answer if she called again. I was not going to listen to that all day. I didn't think about banning call from Mom also. Mom called Lane's phone. He answered and handed it to me. I was to go by Drama Queen's and take her to get her anti-drinking prescription filled on my way through Wichita. I grudgingly agreed. Drama Queen called constantly to see when I would be there. At an hour away she called. She called ten minutes later. As we were pulling into town she called. It was only then that I realized she did not want her prescription filled. She wanted me to take her to a dry out center. I told her we were thirty minutes from town, but would be there soon. I drove to a Cold Stone Creamery. We had been having a great weekend, and I was not ready to enter crazy town just yet. I apologized in advance to Lee, Lane, and Emma  for the whatever was about to happen. We made our way across town. Lee and Emma stayed in the car. Lane and I went up to her apartment. We had to shove the couch from in front of the door to enter. She was laying, shirtless, in the middle of the floor with a bottle and a butcher knife posed dramatically beside her. She fell over twice as we made her get up and get dressed, bumping her head solidly on the wall several times. She fought and yelled that she did not want to go to rehab, as I poured out all of the liquor and beer.  Finally I remembered that I had not wanted to take her to rehab, this was her idea. It is easy to lose sight of these details in the middle of a scene. Okay, fine, I said. Lane, let's go. We started to leave. No, she pleaded. I need to go, please take me. She left the apartment with us. We had to help her down four flights of stairs. She fell several more times. In the car she didn't want to go to rehab. She tried to jump out as I drove down Kellogg. Finally at the dry out center she refused to enter. They would not take her unless she walked through the door on her own. She stumbled out and lay face first first on a patch of grass. We sat in the car and watched her. Then a worker noticed her and came out to see what was going on. I went over and explained that I was not going leave her there. Oh she is with you. He looked relieved. He bent down and talked to her. She agreed to go inside if I would bring her a carton of cigarettes. She went inside. I drove to a gas station. Back at the center, cigarettes in hand, we watched an ambulance pull in. Ignoring it I knocked on the door. At least that can't be hers, I thought, she hasn't been here long enough. Slowly as no one answered the door it dawned on me that I was wrong.  I walked around to the back. She was laying on cement. She had been trying to climb the wood fence and leave, but had fallen backwards and smacked her head on the cement.  I gave the ambulance drivers her name as they loaded her up. I had to go inside and answer some questions that a worker asked me. She made it very clear that she was angry that I had brought her. Back in the car we watched the ambulance drive away. We agreed that it was time to go home. We tried to find somewhere to eat chicken and waffles, but the place was closing. We ordered Church's chicken instead. It had a horrible smell. We through it out, and drove home.
Now the girls are back in Wichita enrolled in school. My heart is broken, my worry about their safety is a constant companion.  Last night Drama Queen called to talk. Her boyfriend, the latest in a string that have not treated her nicely, has given her Chlamydia. She is angry. When she had made a snide comment about it the night before he had started to hit her. He was banging her head against the patio floor. She said he probably would have killed her if Ramona had not woken up. I let her talk awhile longer before I voiced my fear. What if he had not left when Ramona woke up? I insisted that she quit letting men like this into her house. She agreed, but I knew it was a promise that would soon be forgotten.
It was after ten, I had been making Jason a grilled cheese sandwich and a cup of noodles while I talked to her. Still talking I made Lane and myself a sundae. It was actually just vanilla ice cream covered with some strawberry-rhubarb jam I had made. I got off the phone and finished my ice cream. I had been planning to go straight to bed, but now I could not sleep. Dead Until Dawn was on my nightstand waiting to be started. At three in the morning I finished it. My mind was cleared. I slept very well for six hours.
I have been carrying this tale around, it feels good to write it down.

The good news, Miss Universe does not have cancer.

I received a text yesterday instructing me to meet at Miss Universe's apartment at 6:30, Fria Chica received this same text. We both assumed something was up and she wanted to talk. In reality she had stumbled onto some weed. Not much in my lifestyle would suggest that my next few moves involved sitting on the floor, rolling around laughing, and eating way too much chocolate, but that is what I did.

I do not remember much of what I found ridiculously funny but the snippets of conversation that do keep popping into my head have made me smile all day. I could have done without the part of the evening that involved me trying to walk into my house without letting the children know what I had been up to. I felt like a sneaky teenager again.

Conversations

Two conversations have struck me lately. Here they are.

"Look what I am sending off to the governor." An older man said. "I think Sarah and Todd will get a kick out of this."

"Oh, that is neat." A lady answers. "My brother sent my mom a copy of her book that they have both signed."

"Have you read her book yet?" The man asks her.

"Not yet, I'll borrow my mother's when she is finished, but I told my brother I was really jealous."

"She starts her tour with Fox News today."

"I am so excited for her."

What makes this conversation odd is that neither of these people have met Sarah. They have the same access to information that the rest of the world does, why then do they still speak in awed tones, why is he still calling her the govenor? What would make this conversation scary would be knowing that people all over the country are talking like this, I hope that is not the case.

The next one is not odd or scary, it just made me think about how much we try to shelter people we love, and how stilted that can make conversations.

Fria Chica, Miss Universe and I were all sitting in a gym watching the kids play basketball. Miss Universe stood up and pulled a cigarette and lighter out of her bag. She turned to Fria Chica and asked if she was coming with her. Fria Chica looked almost sheepish. "Have you quit again?" Miss Universe asked her. I laughed.

"She looked at you with such derision." I said to Fria Chica.
"Quitters never win, winners never quit." She pointed her cigarette at Fria Chica to add emphasis.

"What am I quitting except for a higher chance of cancer?" Fria Chica tensed up as the word cancer left her lips. She was frozen with regret at what she had said.

I turned to Miss Universe and said. "You have been inhaling way too deep."

Young people often try to say nothing offensive at all. Sometimes I forget that there is a nine year age gap between Fria Chica and myself. She has not yet learned that being treated abnormally makes people more uncomfortable than the occasional thoughtless remark. Miss Universe and I were young when a former teacher taught us this lesson with true class. Here husband had died less than a month before. It was in the middle of July; M.U. and I were walking down the middle of the street. She was doing yard work and stood to greet us. We stopped to talk about little things like yard work and weather. M.U. said that trying to work out in the middle of the heat would make her feel like dying. We all felt her tense up. She could not believe she had just said that. Our former teacher went on to agree that the heat would just kill her. She used the words kill or death several times in the next few minutes.

All in all it wasn't that bad

Most of the time my life feels extremely blessed. I do not know what I have done to deserve such a great life, but I am enjoying it while it lasts. However, somedays it feels like the other shoes has just dropped into my lap and squashed the nice piece of cake I had balanced there. Yesterday was one of those days.
With all of my whining though I must point out that most of the crap was not happening to me. I just felt bad for my lack of control in the fortunes of others. First, I had major cramping while I was rebooting my ovarian system. I was extremely tired;I could not sleep the night before and was way overloaded at work. Drama Queen is homeless after a series of mismanaged events. Which means my baby girls lives are unstable again. Not being able to just scoop them up and bring them home is the hardest part. Then the worst news of all is that Miss Universe is being tested because the doctors fear she has bladder cancer, on top of her ms. I just started laughing yesterday evening when reading Lee's rejection letter from the honors program at K.U.
So far today had been going fine, although I still have not been able to sleep.

The MRI

Monday was Mon's birthday. Since Lane had a ballgame and she had to cheer we postponed the cake until last night. I baked a red velvet and a pineapple upside down cake. Our family has grown to large for just one cake. I then stayed up way to late watching videos on you tube, and reading. Bella came over this morning, but luckily she slept late with me. Miss Universe has to work today so we, Bella and I, are going to pick Mon up and take her to a doctors appointment. Speaking of doctors.
When Miss Universe went to the hospital a couple of weeks ago they diagnosed her as having had another stroke. She is only 33 so they began looking for the cause of these strokes. We went to Garden City last week for her MRI, did some shopping, and ate at a really good Mexican restaurant. The results of her test showed that she hasn't had any strokes. She has Multiple Sclerosis. I'm sure people aren't usually cheered up by this diagnosis, but we were. This future seems brighter than a future filled with several small strokes while waiting for the big one to hit. I have friends with family members in that position and it is a hard life. Our family mood has brightened. Last night she brought over the disc with her test on it we gathered around to looked at it.Since none of us now how to read an MRI we just laughed at how alien a brain filled skull can look from different angles. We are easily entertained.

Miss Universe

Miss Universe had a very tiny stroke yesterday. She is in the hospital while the doctors try to find out the cause of this stroke which happens to be the second tiny one she has had this year. It hit home that I have been taking the election a little too seriously the last few weeks. I was angry for people who appear to be deciding their candidate based on personality, race, or gender. Watching the news yesterday evening I was beginning to feel downright depressed by the people I was listening to. Could Clinton backers really switch to the McCain/Palin ticket just because she is female, or even worse, because they are angry? As a country we need to free ourselves from the bone crushing grip the fundies have on us. If not the freedoms we have enjoyed could become a permanent idea of the past. We really need to pull together not bicker over things that we can work out later. I was thinking thoughts like these when the phone rang. Actually I had just thought that I would never encourage anyone to go to another church again, not while pseudo Christians were preying on vulnerabilities of others to get votes, when the phone rang.
It was Rolando asking if I could watch his kids for the night while he stayed with Miss Universe at the hospital. This was real. This was the fear and anger that I had been faking earlier. The whole country could come crashing down and as long as I had my family safe and healthy around me things would be o.k. I hung up the phone and said a prayer for my sister. In the middle of the prayer I wondered if I should now apologize for my earlier thought. Afterwards I decided that my thought was still valid since it is organized religion that I despise, not God himself.
Miss Universe has not been herself lately. Instead of jumping up and down, being loud and boisterous, she has seemed tired and unwell. She is the girl who will walk into a room and randomly start dancing a jig while dressed in scrubs just because she knows we will laugh. She is a 'How the hell are you? Have a beer.' kind of girl. She is the warm, funny, loud kind of sister that balances out my cold heart. I love her so much and can't stand the thought of her being sick.