Hemmingway

I have been reading about Hemminway, again. As a liberal woman with a distaste for overly masculine, domineering men I spend more time defending him than I should. The thing about Hemmingstein is that he is complex. I wonder if we are all this complex or are most of us simple beings? Would I have thought him complex if I had known him, or is it being able to look at his life as a whole that makes his conflicting thoughts and actions stand out. I do know that I would not have been one of the women who fell for him. I have problem with authority too. He would have soon referred to me as 'that bitch'.

shopping

Okay, so after thinking about it for several years I am finally shopping for a sex toy. Tonight I am starting the research process. After just five minutes I realize there is so much I don't know. A vulva pump, who would have thought those existed? ...Most of these pages have a like on facebook option at the bottom. What would my kids, or their teachers, think of that. ...$175 for a wand? I don't even think Olivander's would have charged that much. ...   Dual function, as a multitasker I like the sound of that. ...Oh boy a video on usage. I haven't watched porn in 20 years, not sure I'm up to it. ...

changes

Jason moved out on Sunday and is officially in college. Last night the girls left to visit their mom. The house was so quiet I couldn't sleep. I have secretly always thought I might enjoy an empty nest, thank God I am not there yet, but now I know it will take a lot of getting used to. Lane is gone tonight so I am here all alone. Fria Chica and my mom came over and drank a bottle of pomagranate wine with me. It was delicous.

I have been single for over a year now, and I have to say it has been a great year. Dh has made it clear he would like to reconcile and move back in, but I don't think I could take it. Life is so peaceful without him. Also he would frown on me continuing to take lovers. I am between right now. It seems like men want either too much or too little, so it is easy to move on to the next one. I am becoming a right slut.

life

My list of projects that need completed just keeps growing. Jason stepped through the bathroom floor, that need fixed. Ramona and Beezus need their room painted. The front door frame needs fixed. My cob hot tub is getting so close to being finished, I am starting to imagine it will work. Throw the house cleaning, gardening, and cob house building on to the list and I feel like I am moving backwards. No I am moving backwards. The list just keeps growing.

On a more interesting note I have noticed something odd. I only seem to date men who are inappropriate for a long term relationship. I think it must be a defense mechanism. Not that I am dating much, it seems that men I find interesting don't come along often. The comedian I spent a couple of days with in March lives too far away. The boy who I have been spending time with for the last two weeks is 14 years younger than me. I think someday I will be ready for a relationship and start dating more appropriate men, but until then I am going to just enjoy life as it comes.

Baking bread

I posted these without any words because I wasn't feeling talkative that day. The top picture is of bread inside my cob oven, which I love. The second is of a finished loaf and the rhubarb-strawberry jam I also made that day. I will add a funny story about the rhubarb in a minute. First I want to talk about making bread. Years ago I received a bread machine for Christmas. I loved it. The only problem I had with it was that I could only make one loaf at a time, not being Jesus, one loaf was never enough. The next December my bread machine quit. I talked to a friend and hers had lasted only one year also. My mom had one she never used so I went and borrowed it on a long term plan. In one year it also quit. I know people who have had better luck, but for me they only last one year. I could not stand the thought of filling up the landfill by buying a new one every year so I went without for a few weeks. Then I found an amazing book at a library book sale for $.10. It was called Bake Your Own Bread And Be Healthier. Since day one I have enjoyed bread making so much more manually then I ever did with a machine. With the machine the end product was the important part. With my hands the best parts are the feel of the dough, the connection to women who have been kneading bread for centuries, and making several loaves at once. Bread has become more than just a food I love, it is a lifelong endeavor.

Now the rhubarb. For a couple of years now an older man has been coming into the office to talk every week or so. In the summer he brings me rhubarb and other vegetable from his garden. He sustained injuries during WW2 that make his speech slow and slurred, but if you listen he is easy to understand. A few days before this picture was taken he came in and laid a bag of rhubarb on the counter. I thanked him and we talked for a few more minutes. I needed to get back to work so I picked up the bag and thanked him again. He then said, "can I have a kiss for that?" I turned my head towards him, and I'm sure I looked puzzled, and asked, "What?" He replied, "Can I have a hug for that?" I thought what the hell and leaned in for a shoulder touching embrace. He put his hand on the small of my back and pulled me to him. The old guy was stronger than he looked so it took quite a bit of struggling to get away from him. He seemed to enjoy the struggling. I ran back into my office area, looked at my coworker, and announced, "I think the price of rhubarb has went up."

spring

I have been enjoying the hell out of spring. We are already eating green onions and asparagus out of the garden. Yesterday I baked bread in the cob oven and made strawberry-rhubarb jam to go with it. I have been truly experiencing domestic bliss. While watching t.v. with a couple of friends, it was my first experience with Desperate Housewives, a character mentioned how hard divorce was. I must be the exception because this has been a great year for me. I feel goofy some days about how cheerful I am.

cruise

Last week I was a sponsor on Jason's senior trip. We flew to Charleston S.C. and boarded a Carnival cruise ship bound for the Bahamas. It was a great time. I have always scorned cruises as a vacation. They are the for the type of vacationers who spend most of their time around the resort pool and eat at American food chains avoiding local food. After having been on a cruise I have to say I was right, but that did not make it any less fun. Yes I came home with only the vague idea that I had been to the Bahamas, but I also brought some great stories about the fun we had. The staff was unbelievable accommodating. One of the fly on entertainers was even nice enough to give me a foot-rub while we talked. Being on a ship with 2000 other guests did make me notice how introverted I still am. Discounting the people I talked to because Cole, a special needs student who was with us, is the opposite of me and wanted to meet everybody I only had conversations with around 10 people.When I travel I have to take extroverted people with me otherwise I may just alternate between staring at the horizon, reading, and eating. One nice point was that I had several long conversations with Cole's mother. We have been friends for years, but rarely sit and talk.

I. need. sleep.

Monday night was a overlong school board meeting; we are dealing with major budget cuts, which means some positions may have to go. That is not the subject of this post though, that is just to set up why I am so damn tired and cranky. After working the next day I drove 45 miles to watch Jason and Lane play basketball, picked up groceries and pizza and drove home. It was 11:00 and I was ready for bed. A friend was at my house waiting for me. Her and her husband had been in a fight. I wanted her to stay with me, but she knew this was the first place her husband would look. I drove her 17 miles, that is the closest hotel, and bought her a room. I climbed into bed at 1:30 in the morning. At 5:30 her husband called. At 6:30 my alarm went off, I didn't have to work today but Jason wanted woke up early. He didn't get up. At 7:00 my alarm went off again. I tried to rouse the troupe, I hit snooze just in case. Ten minutes later half of them were up. At 7:35 I was screaming "Get out of your fucking beds and go to school." I drove everybody but Jason to school.
It turns out Jason was actually feeling terrible and needed to see a doctor. He has bronchitis. I picked my friend up while we out and drove her to her house. I am not sure if she is gathering her stuff to move back to Miami or if she has decided to stay. After dropping her off I came home for a shower, cup of tea, and time to watch the newest Daily Show and Cobert Report. I need to get dressed and walk over to check on her. Jason has an awards banquet tonight so I will drive 45 minutes there, but the food is supposed to be great, I doubt they serve wine, which is what I want.

Happiness

Last night I decided to start a book I have been planning to read for years, A Tale Of Two Cities.
I did not make it very far, Mr Lorry had not yet made it off the mail coach before I fell asleep. I woke this morning and resumed reading over a cup of Earl Grey and toast with jam. There is a lot to say for the restorative powers of literature. I climbed out of bed turned on a alt music station and was overcome with a desire to dance. Dance I did. I am here in my house with my children and happy. What more can girl ask for? Oh, as a bonus I have won $4 dollars on a powerball ticket. I rarely buy lottery tickets, on an impulse yesterday I picked one up, and am officially a winner.

Two weeks seems to be the amount of time it takes me to get over a man. It doesn't matter if it is a husband of many years of a boyfriend of a few months, two weeks will do it every time.
I broke up with the Cuban last Monday. Today I woke up early did some reading, and had tea with a bagel before I took stock of myself at the one week point. I am right on track. My first weekend single again was nice. It was beautiful outside. I replaced some weak boards on my porch, I burned tumble weeds, read my book for book club. The whole thing left me feeling energized and alert. On a short walk yesterday evening I ran into him. We had a pleasant conversation, you know the whole' como estas?' and  'como es Anna?'*. No riveting conversation and afterwards I had no regrets.
It was an amicable break-up. I knew going in to the relationship we were at different points in our life. I would have felt guilty beginning something I was sure was going to end if I had thought he truly loved me, but I suspected a love that started that fast would cool off quickly too. It ended before it cooled enough to cause fights and pain. In fact the only problem with the whole thing is that after having him around for three months, and I mean constantly around, I became used to him being here. I am a bit addicted to him.The first three days were rough, but I am getting better every day.
We never were in love. What we had was great chemistry. As a matter of fact after this two week period I am going to give serious thought to presenting the friends with benefits package.

*My neighbor and great friend Anna has been diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. We are starting some serious wine therapy.

Books in 2011

• Selpuchre
• The Big Over Easy
• The Glass Castle
• The Art Of Racing In The Rain
• One Of Our Thursdays is Missing
• The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo
• Light A Penny Candle
• *Winter Solstice
• The Unexpected Mrs. Polliflax
• Tender Is The Night
• What Is The What
• The Blind Assasin
• Fool's Puzzle
• The Lord Of The Flies
• Lost In Translation
• Of Mice and Men
• To Kill A Mockingbird
• The Boy Who Loved Ann Frank
• Number The Stars
• Spoken From The Heart
• The Stormy Night
• Sarah's Key
• Fool
• Flowers In The Rain
• The Secret Life Of Bees
• *The Secret Garden
• *Me Talk Pretty Some Day
• The Shack
• *Dreams from my father
• September

* Re-reads

These are the 30 books I read in 2011. Not a big reading year for me. I started well, but life kept getting in the way.

Blessings

Well I never did really commit to Nanowrimo this year, so while I did do a bit of playing around with it I came nowhere near finishing, or starting for that matter.

People who spend time with me may be shocked to find out how strong my faith is. That is because my faith is personal not something I go on about; I certainly don't need the President to help me thank God, that is my job. Today I have been reflecting back on my life and how blessed I am. Through out my lifetime there has always been an abundance of happiness. I was about to write sunshine, but I deleted the word, not because it is an overused cliche. I deleted it because the picture of a lovely rainy day flashed through my mind and made me smile. Rainy days make me smile, as do sunny days. I really love a thick foggy day, or a great snow storm. Oops I am off topic again.  When I look back on my life I realize how lucky I am to have been give three of the best children in existence. Then two beautiful girls, who make me laugh, have come into my life. My family, while slightly insane, is a close knit group. I have always been able to provide for my children, and whenever I need help it appears. I do feel like God has been constantly blessing me, even when I forget to be thankful. It is hard to believe that there can be any more blessings in store for me, surely I am getting close to my quota, but then just when I needed it there is more. After having been in a loveless relationship for many years a man has been sent my way who makes me feel completely adored. Now we are all adults here and know that these kinds of things don't always last forever, but for now when I need it, it is a blessing.

A day off, just what I needed

When I am at work and it is warm and sunny outside I wish I could be at home in my yard. On cold days I wish I could be at home in a sweater with a cup of tea in my hands. Today I have one of my wishes. It is the first cold day we have had this fall and I have a day  off. My list of things to get done today keeps growing, but first I am enjoying a warm cup of chai tea and browsing a few places online.
November is coming fast and until this morning I wasn't sure if I was going to try Nano again this year. My life has been busier than usual this year and I wasn't sure if I wanted to try and fail. This morning a zombie story I have been lugging around in my head for three years came to the forefront and asked to be wrote. Well, I never have been good at saying no, so here we go.
Today though is a costume making day. One Red Heart Queen coming up.

life at home

The Cuban is trying to walk too quickly into my personal space. Undying love is great two or three nights a week, but I am by nature a solitary person. I spent all day yesterday hanging out with my boys. Lee is home for the weekend and it was nice to just sit around and do nothing. This morning I started reading The Glass Castle. It is a good book, well written, but it is hitting close to home. I am still not sure if that makes it better or worse.
 Walls is thirteen years older than me so we were living nomadic lives in some of the same places more than a decade apart.  We both had alcoholic fathers that made running from trouble, debt, or police a habit. This habit transforms a childhood, making it both exciting a wearisome. I could not help but feel a little jealous. My parents did not have the imagination, and/or concern, to make this lifestyle more adventurous. We children were often squished in the back seat in the middle of the night, but no reason such as running from the gestapo was ever given to us. We were not doing a skedaddle, we were just moving again. We picked up details from conversations we were not supposed to hear to explain the sudden flight. The individual personalities and details of the book were different, but the overall experience in the book was similar to my childhood. While I felt jealous about the start of the book I did have the advantage of having a much better state of squalor to live in when the nomadic lifestyle came to an end. My mother did snap out of her denial, get a job, and try to make a life for her children. 
It is a good book, but I am not sure how much I want to discuss it with my book club.

I just realized how bad it is, I haven't read a book in over a week, almost two. Hopefully this will blow over soon and I can get something done. Now I must go sleep.

My Kryptonite is a lovely Cuban

When DH and I split I decided I would start dating, because at 38 I don't have many years to waste, but that I would not enter into any serious relationships for 3 years. I still think that is the best idea. However, I am addicted to an earnest Cuban. Today I practiced my lecture to him, in Spanish, to tell him that this was not long term. I explained that we are at two different places in our lives. He is in a spot where he is looking forward to settling down and having babies. I could easily become a grandmother in the next five years. I think I told him, it is hard to know exactly what I said, that we could be happy now, but when he found a woman that also wanted what he wanted he should go with her.  Now remember I have just had three conversations with this man, yet he expressed his undying love for me in Spanish, in English, in Spanish again. This should be enough to scare me off, but I can't stay away.

Cuban date

Last Wednesday I was asked out on a date. Since he is from Cuba and speaks no English and I speak very little Spanish it went something like this. Comida? Si. Cuando? Sabado. Tiempe? Siete. The date itself went much better than that. I spent as much time as I could in the interim refreshing my Spanish, it paid off because we were able to converse; we used a lot of hand signs. After dinner I went with him to visit some friends. It was one of the most interesting nights of my life. It was a quick immersion into a Cuban Saturday night. At five-thirty in the morning I took a shower, climbed into bed and wondered how I had stumbled into this fascinating world.

A random update

I did finally get all of my water leaks fixed. Six leaks happened in one week, fixed them all once, but two of them twice. It was a learning experience that I feel pretty damn good about now.

Being divorced still feels pretty damn good too. Financially I am in a bit of a pickle but I expected that. Besides I do believe in the saying if all of your problems are money problems you don't have problems, unless you are uninsured in the U.S. then your money problems could make living a problem.  

Who am I?

Sometimes I don't even know who I am. When I do things completely out of character there is a voice yelling don't do that, yet sometimes I still do. Usually in that case I end up looking like an ass. When will I ever learn to listen to my own instincts?

plumbing sucks, but not too much

I am in the middle of facing my biggest fear when it comes to not having a husband--Plumbing. I am the proud owner of an older double wide; not excellent but it, along with the two lots, is paid off.  The problem is the polybutylene tubes used for plumbing. If I ever run into the guys who invented this shit I am going to kick them square in the nuts. It turns brittle and breaks easily over time. This means too many water leaks for me to pay a plumber to fix. The plan is to get it all replaced, but that is not near done yet. 


I do not usually care for gender roles in a marriage, but I have been quiet about this one. DH, like most men, felt that plumbing fell under his job description. Several times over the years I have quietly wondered why I did not have to crawl under the house and work on my back while laying in mud. Never did I utter this kind of question. I did not want to do it. Now though there is no one else. two months into my single life and we have four leaks. Jason did one while I was at work, but now school has started and it really should be my job. Surprisingly I don't mind it as much as I thought I would, of course it is still warm outside. The frustrating part is not having the right parts.


On my lunch hour I picked up what I thought I needed. After work I drank a cup of tea and then cheerfully went out to work on the house. I had not realized that the tubing had switched from 1/2 to 3/8 so I had picked up the wrong adapters.I live 17 miles from a hardware store and it is not open in the evenings.  This is when rural living is not convenient.  I did as much as I could, but we are still without water. Hopefully I will finish tomorrow.