Being Alive

     I have vowed to post regularly; to use this time to explore my thoughts and feelings about life. Today, after a rather uneventful day at work, I could think of nothing to say. I shut my laptop and decided to work out. This is new, the working out. Before the move I walked a minimum of 4 miles a day. After the move I have focused my attention on work. Exercise has become sporadic, I might walk 5 miles on my day off, then go three days doing nothing. I do have a stand-up desk, but that is not a free pass. I can feel myself getting weaker, less nimble, less quick. 

    After my workout, I felt I deserved to watch a movie. I almost rewatched The Whale. I have spent part of my day in Moscow Idaho, in that movie. Fun fact, I once lived very near Moscow. That was a long time ago. Instead, I watched Joy the Birth of IVF. I realized that unintentionally I have been watching movies about life and death.

     It started with The Man From Earth, which explores longevity of life and what you can do with it. There is not a sequel, shut up it does not exist. The next day I watched The Whale, which deals with death and dealing with the mistakes that are made and the good we do. The saddest part of that movie, for me, is when we see the apartment from the outside and realize he lives on the second floor. How long has he been isolated? Then in his last week four people come into his world. He has forgot to live until it was time to die. Tonight, I watched a movie about giving birth, but even more it was about what can we give to others, what good can we do.

    I realize I have thrown up a hodgepodge of thoughts and references. I also realize that if this essay were graded it would be called sloppy. But life is sloppy, thoughts are sloppy, expression can be sloppy. After giving all of this much thought I think that all of us deal with life and death, no matter how long or short our lives are. More important is the idea of being alive. What do we do with this life while we have it?  What can we do to give value to our life?  I suspect the answer lies in giving. I guess it is for each of us to decide what we give. We can give help, opportunities, life, love, art......

The Whale

 I was soaking in a hot bath with tears running down my face, I thought 'If Mick walks in, I will have to explain this.' I was not ugly crying; I am prone to that. It was as if I was over hydrated, and the water was just leaking out my eyes.

That sentence brings a lot to unpack. Let's start with why was I soaking in the tub? I do not know if you noticed there was a storm overtaking the USA shaped like Bezos' rocket ship. It plowed the KC area, so I spent hours shoveling snow, just to free my cars. Afterwards, I climbed into bed with a bowl of stew and a few slices of Italian loaf. I warmed up while watching The Whale. I loved the movie: it moved me Bob. As I often do when I watch a movie that moves me I read about it on Wikipedia, I read the about it on IMDB. I read the reviews. Then I did some stretches; I ran a bath. Suddenly, while I soaked in the tub it all boiled down into that one thought I was waiting for. 

It all came down to one idea. We can talk about the acting, which was amazing. Or the make up, which was also amazing. But, the writing, it hit nerves.

We are all slowly killing ourselves while trying to save somebody else.

That is it; that is all.

 Well, here we are starting another year. This morning, I was reading an article on Substack about attention being our number one currency. This made me start thinking about my attention and how I am spending it. If where we spend our money shows what we value, then how much more so does how we spend our attention. 

Having a day to spend all to myself, I decided to take a long walk. I walked with no distractions; I did not put on my headphones to listen to a podcast or music. The time was used to think about the word attention and what it meant and how I was using mine. Mostly, my mind just wandered around. After more than an hour of walking I thought about the word attention. I repeated it a few times. The word intention followed it into my thoughts. What are my intentions in life? Should my attentions lead to my intentions? Quality was the next word that came in through the open door. Quality? What does quality mean in the context of my life. Quality of life, that is a phrase we use often when discussing death, but what about when thinking about how to live one's life?  What would a quality life look like to me? What brings me joy? Who do I want to be when I am alone? How do I want to spend my attention? 

These are the questions I am going to start answering for myself. I feel like I have the beauty of a blank slate to write on. I have moved from one corner of Kansas to the opposite corner. Kansas is a big state, so just in distance it is a big move. Bigger than that is the move from an extremely rural area to being 30 minutes from Kansas City.  I moved from a house, town, a county where I had lived for more that 20 years. A place I had raised my family and knew everybody to a place where I can feel alone. What do I want to write on this blank slate? What brings value and quality?