Choosing to die

Today, since I have a day off, I have spent the morning watching documentaries on Terry Pratchett. Knowing he has Alzheimer breaks my heart. To think of somebody with an obvious love of life, people, thoughts, and memories slowly losing his ability to think clearly and communicate is like a woodpecker losing his beak.

I was struck with so many emotions as I watched Choosing To Die. Of course I thought of Jason dying alone while staring at a wall. Of course if he had to die I would have preferred it to be beside a fire. He could have been smoking a cigarette while I held his other hand.  Mostly though I was not only thinking of him. I was thinking of Terry wishing to die in the English sunshine. I was thinking of myself and how I would choose to go, if I had to choose.  I was thinking of Mr. Smedley who had to leave his wife too soon simply because he could not die in his own country. It was obvious he would rather have waited a few years, and died at home after drinking a glass of wine from his own cellar. 

I think I too would like to die in the sunshine. The Kansas sun has a certain feel to it that I love. I enjoy the dry heat we have here. A glass of wine in hand, sitting watching the birds fly from tree to tree, admiring the way the green looks against the blue sky. My family sitting around me making jokes. What music I wonder, maybe Nirvana. Of course the day would be so lovely I would probably wait to watch the sunset too. My family would jokingly tell me to get on with it because they have shit to do. Obviously I am not ready to go now, but you cannot help to think about it while watching the documentary.