I'm sofa king silly

Happiness

2012-01-22T12:51:00.000-06:00

Last night I decided to start a book I have been planning to read for years, A Tale Of Two Cities.
I did not make it very far, Mr Lorry had not yet made it off the mail coach before I fell asleep. I woke this morning and resumed reading over a cup of Earl Grey and toast with jam. There is a lot to say for the restorative powers of literature. I climbed out of bed turned on a alt music station and was overcome with a desire to dance. Dance I did. I am here in my house with my children and happy. What more can girl ask for? Oh, as a bonus I have won $4 dollars on a powerball ticket. I rarely buy lottery tickets, on an impulse yesterday I picked one up, and am officially a winner.

2012-01-16T12:37:00.002-06:00

Two weeks seems to be the amount of time it takes me to get over a man. It doesn't matter if it is a husband of many years of a boyfriend of a few months, two weeks will do it every time.
I broke up with the Cuban last Monday. Today I woke up early did some reading, and had tea with a bagel before I took stock of myself at the one week point. I am right on track. My first weekend single again was nice. It was beautiful outside. I replaced some weak boards on my porch, I burned tumble weeds, read my book for book club. The whole thing left me feeling energized and alert. On a short walk yesterday evening I ran into him. We had a pleasant conversation, you know the whole' como estas?' and 'como es Anna?'*. No riveting conversation and afterwards I had no regrets.
It was an amicable break-up. I knew going in to the relationship we were at different points in our life. I would have felt guilty beginning something I was sure was going to end if I had thought he truly loved me, but I suspected a love that started that fast would cool off quickly too. It ended before it cooled enough to cause fights and pain. In fact the only problem with the whole thing is that after having him around for three months, and I mean constantly around, I became used to him being here. I am a bit addicted to him.The first three days were rough, but I am getting better every day.
We never were in love. What we had was great chemistry. As a matter of fact after this two week period I am going to give serious thought to presenting the friends with benefits package.

*My neighbor and great friend Anna has been diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. We are starting some serious wine therapy.

Books in 2011

2012-01-16T12:13:00.000-06:00

Selpuchre
The Big Over Easy
The Glass Castle
The Art Of Racing In The Rain
One Of Our Thursdays is Missing
The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo
Light A Penny Candle
*Winter Solstice
The Unexpected Mrs. Polliflax
Tender Is The Night
What Is The What
The Blind Assasin
Fool's Puzzle
The Lord Of The Flies
Lost In Translation
Of Mice and Men
To Kill A Mockingbird
The Boy Who Loved Ann Frank
Number The Stars
Spoken From The Heart
The Stormy Night
Sarah's Key
Fool
Flowers In The Rain
The Secret Life Of Bees
*The Secret Garden
*Me Talk Pretty Some Day
The Shack
*Dreams from my father
September

* Re-reads

These are the 30 books I read in 2011. Not a big reading year for me. I started well, but life kept getting in the way.

Blessings

2011-11-29T13:26:00.001-06:00

Well I never did really commit to Nanowrimo this year, so while I did do a bit of playing around with it I came nowhere near finishing, or starting for that matter.

People who spend time with me may be shocked to find out how strong my faith is. That is because my faith is personal not something I go on about; I certainly don't need the President to help me thank God, that is my job. Today I have been reflecting back on my life and how blessed I am. Through out my lifetime there has always been an abundance of happiness. I was about to write sunshine, but I deleted the word, not because it is an overused cliche. I deleted it because the picture of a lovely rainy day flashed through my mind and made me smile. Rainy days make me smile, as do sunny days. I really love a thick foggy day, or a great snow storm. Oops I am off topic again. When I look back on my life I realize how lucky I am to have been give three of the best children in existence. Then two beautiful girls, who make me laugh, have come into my life. My family, while slightly insane, is a close knit group. I have always been able to provide for my children, and whenever I need help it appears. I do feel like God has been constantly blessing me, even when I forget to be thankful. It is hard to believe that there can be any more blessings in store for me, surely I am getting close to my quota, but then just when I needed it there is more. After having been in a loveless relationship for many years a man has been sent my way who makes me feel completely adored. Now we are all adults here and know that these kinds of things don't always last forever, but for now when I need it, it is a blessing.

A day off, just what I needed

2011-10-26T09:12:00.000-05:00

When I am at work and it is warm and sunny outside I wish I could be at home in my yard. On cold days I wish I could be at home in a sweater with a cup of tea in my hands. Today I have one of my wishes. It is the first cold day we have had this fall and I have a day off. My list of things to get done today keeps growing, but first I am enjoying a warm cup of chai tea and browsing a few places online.
November is coming fast and until this morning I wasn't sure if I was going to try Nano again this year. My life has been busier than usual this year and I wasn't sure if I wanted to try and fail. This morning a zombie story I have been lugging around in my head for three years came to the forefront and asked to be wrote. Well, I never have been good at saying no, so here we go.
Today though is a costume making day. One Red Heart Queen coming up.

life at home

2011-10-10T14:29:00.000-05:00

The Cuban is trying to walk too quickly into my personal space. Undying love is great two or three nights a week, but I am by nature a solitary person. I spent all day yesterday hanging out with my boys. Lee is home for the weekend and it was nice to just sit around and do nothing. This morning I started reading The Glass Castle. It is a good book, well written, but it is hitting close to home. I am still not sure if that makes it better or worse.
Walls is thirteen years older than me so we were living nomadic lives in some of the same places more than a decade apart. We both had alcoholic fathers that made running from trouble, debt, or police a habit. This habit transforms a childhood, making it both exciting a wearisome. I could not help but feel a little jealous. My parents did not have the imagination, and/or concern, to make this lifestyle more adventurous. We children were often squished in the back seat in the middle of the night, but no reason such as running from the gestapo was ever given to us. We were not doing a skedaddle, we were just moving again. We picked up details from conversations we were not supposed to hear to explain the sudden flight. The individual personalities and details of the book were different, but the overall experience in the book was similar to my childhood. While I felt jealous about the start of the book I did have the advantage of having a much better state of squalor to live in when the nomadic lifestyle came to an end. My mother did snap out of her denial, get a job, and try to make a life for her children.
It is a good book, but I am not sure how much I want to discuss it with my book club.

2011-09-30T00:44:00.000-05:00

I just realized how bad it is, I haven't read a book in over a week, almost two. Hopefully this will blow over soon and I can get something done. Now I must go sleep.

My Kryptonite is a lovely Cuban

2011-09-27T03:19:00.000-05:00

When DH and I split I decided I would start dating, because at 38 I don't have many years to waste, but that I would not enter into any serious relationships for 3 years. I still think that is the best idea. However, I am addicted to an earnest Cuban. Today I practiced my lecture to him, in Spanish, to tell him that this was not long term. I explained that we are at two different places in our lives. He is in a spot where he is looking forward to settling down and having babies. I could easily become a grandmother in the next five years. I think I told him, it is hard to know exactly what I said, that we could be happy now, but when he found a woman that also wanted what he wanted he should go with her. Now remember I have just had three conversations with this man, yet he expressed his undying love for me in Spanish, in English, in Spanish again. This should be enough to scare me off, but I can't stay away.

Cuban date

2011-09-25T22:45:00.001-05:00

Last Wednesday I was asked out on a date. Since he is from Cuba and speaks no English and I speak very little Spanish it went something like this. Comida? Si. Cuando? Sabado. Tiempe? Siete. The date itself went much better than that. I spent as much time as I could in the interim refreshing my Spanish, it paid off because we were able to converse; we used a lot of hand signs. After dinner I went with him to visit some friends. It was one of the most interesting nights of my life. It was a quick immersion into a Cuban Saturday night. At five-thirty in the morning I took a shower, climbed into bed and wondered how I had stumbled into this fascinating world.

A random update

2011-09-20T13:10:00.000-05:00

I did finally get all of my water leaks fixed. Six leaks happened in one week, fixed them all once, but two of them twice. It was a learning experience that I feel pretty damn good about now.

Being divorced still feels pretty damn good too. Financially I am in a bit of a pickle but I expected that. Besides I do believe in the saying if all of your problems are money problems you don't have problems, unless you are uninsured in the U.S. then your money problems could make living a problem.

Who am I?

2011-09-18T01:01:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I don't even know who I am. When I do things completely out of character there is a voice yelling don't do that, yet sometimes I still do. Usually in that case I end up looking like an ass. When will I ever learn to listen to my own instincts?

plumbing sucks, but not too much

2011-09-06T21:50:00.001-05:00

I am in the middle of facing my biggest fear when it comes to not having a husband--Plumbing. I am the proud owner of an older double wide; not excellent but it, along with the two lots, is paid off. The problem is the polybutylene tubes used for plumbing. If I ever run into the guys who invented this shit I am going to kick them square in the nuts. It turns brittle and breaks easily over time. This means too many water leaks for me to pay a plumber to fix. The plan is to get it all replaced, but that is not near done yet.

I do not usually care for gender roles in a marriage, but I have been quiet about this one. DH, like most men, felt that plumbing fell under his job description. Several times over the years I have quietly wondered why I did not have to crawl under the house and work on my back while laying in mud. Never did I utter this kind of question. I did not want to do it. Now though there is no one else. two months into my single life and we have four leaks. Jason did one while I was at work, but now school has started and it really should be my job. Surprisingly I don't mind it as much as I thought I would, of course it is still warm outside. The frustrating part is not having the right parts.

On my lunch hour I picked up what I thought I needed. After work I drank a cup of tea and then cheerfully went out to work on the house. I had not realized that the tubing had switched from 1/2 to 3/8 so I had picked up the wrong adapters.I live 17 miles from a hardware store and it is not open in the evenings. This is when rural living is not convenient. I did as much as I could, but we are still without water. Hopefully I will finish tomorrow.

Bliss

2011-09-03T18:37:00.000-05:00

My household income has been cut by 55% while the population has only been decreased by 14.29%. This should make me nervous, but instead I have found myself blissfully happy. My lifestyle hasn't changed too much since dh moved out; for the most part I do the same things on a daily basis that I always have. I just get to do them with so much less stress.
Dh has been asking me out on dates and expressing his unending love for me lately. I have been trying to respond politely while walking a line between not hurting his feelings and not leading him on with false expectations. The truth is that after being called a liar, a bitch, and a whore for 19 years it is nice to be called nothing. Earlier this year our book club read the book Sarah's Key. While reading the book I noticed that one of the character's talked to his wife much like dh talked to me. During the discussion somebody called his behavior emotional abuse. As everyone agreed I felt my breath draining from me. I had never thought of myself as a victim of abuse, and did not like the thought of being one. Even now my brain insists that I was not. Sure he was abusive but I lived above it. I did not let it affect me. Except that I am not as friendly to men as I used to be, to make things smoother, and I don't warmly invite people over as much as I once did, for fear of a scene, but I am not timid. After the book club I was talking to Fria Chica, who also attends, she brought up the subject and said that when somebody mentioned the character's abusive behavior she thought "poor Lynn" for she too had related that character with dh. Unlike in the book though my husband is not a handsome, accomplished lover, so I didn't even have the benefits.
My kids are all out for the evening. I have been reading a light biography of Elizabeth II, dancing with myself, writing, and drinking tea. It has been lovely so far, and who knows what will happen next?

Where to start

2011-07-12T18:55:00.000-05:00

I do not think it has been obvious, but my marriage has not been a happy one for years. My life has been happy. I am usually in a good mood, and enjoy myself, but my marriage is usually only adequate and/or miserable depending on the day. Instead of using to dh to mean dear husband or damn husband, as per current internet usage, I have I always used it to mean dickhead. An example of one of the many problems is that right now I keep looking over my shoulder to make sure he is not coming through the door. I have never been allowed any privacy. If I kept a paper journal he found it and read it, same with e-mail. Any information gleaned was later used against me in an argument. If I am not home he calls all of my relatives until he finds me. He ran through the caller id in the evening and asked me what every number wanted when they called. This is not horrible behavior, but I could not stand it. Being the type of person who needs some personal space this felt suffocating. He was steadily growing ruder which meant the number of friends and relatives who would spend time at my house was dwindling. Despite all of this I was shocked when moved out last week. It felt like a slap in the face after all the crap I had put up with for years.
Now a week later I am still jumpy, but I am starting to get used to the freedom again. Today somebody suggested that this my be temporary, that we may get back together. No I am sure that is not going to happen; this feels too good. I had wanted to stay married for three more years. Lane and Jason will both have graduated by then and I wanted to be able to provide for them financially as much as they were used to. That is probably what hurt the most. I had expected to have more control over the time frame of the divorce. It is too early to say for sure, but I think this is for the best.

Summer

2011-06-19T14:45:00.000-05:00

Summer is here. For me that means less time spent inside, except for at work when I spend all day in an office that feels like a cave. I have planted tomatoes, peppers, strawberries and herbs, not a big garden, but it is enough for now. I have been working on the cob house I am building. To be honest, at this point it is a cob room. I am plastering the inside. There is something peaceful about smoothing mud onto a wall. Solitary bees have been making nests inside the wall. I haven't it made it to that area yet, so for now we are not disturbing each other. They make a beautiful buzzing noise that fills the room while I work.

The one where I place too much importance on myself

2011-05-14T10:01:00.001-05:00

The irritation on President Obama's face was easy to read as he displayed his birth certificate. It was easy to assume I knew the depth of his feeling, I too thought we as a nation had better discussions to spend our time on. Sunday night as I was driving my son, Lee, to the train station I heard the news about Bin Laden. As it became clear that he had been watching this closely for a week I knew his frustration level with the birthers was both deeper than his face had showed and was completely justified. He really did have better things to do.

At this point I am going to compare my small problems with those of the U.S. President. Bear with me. During my April board meeting we discussed teacher evaluations. It became clear that a man who I feel to be a great teacher was about to lose his job and their was not a damn thing I could do to stop it. Another teacher, who is not the best teacher, was also going to be asked to leave, not unusual, except that we all knew he was also going through a serious personal issue that his job loss would compound. We also discussed several minor issues such as the buying a new vehicle and alleged drinking on the senior trip.
Our meeting lasted until 1:30 in the morning. Afterward I showered and lay in bed thinking about the families of the two men we had discussed. This is a small community. Everybody knows everybody and their families. The great teacher and his wife are friends of ours. We have talked over supper, laughed over drinks, shared clothes, parenting tips, and inside jokes. His children would have to change schools. The community was going to lose a good worker and organizer when his wife moved. I really felt that as a board we were making a big mistake for the community and an even bigger one for the school. Great teachers are hard to find.

When I woke at 6:30 I had gotten little sleep. No one would know about the teachers for a while. All day at work I carried around my worries. At home I looked at the clock and decided I had time for a short nap. I curled up on the sofa by Beezus and closed my eyes. Twenty minutes later the phone rang. It was a friend, who also happens to be a teacher, she disagreed with our decision on the senior trip. I tried to stay calm. The conversation was heated, at one point I mentioned that we had more important things to worry about. After the phone call I was irritated, angry, and more than a little hurt. Being exhausted amplified these feeling. The phone rang. It was Drama Queen. She started yelling curse words at me. Apparently I am not raising her children up to her standards. I was also allowing them to have visits with their father, which he has legal rights to, and she was angry. Usually I just stay calm when she is like this and wait for her too calm down too. This night I yelled into the phone "I am not in the fucking mood" and hung up. She called back apologized then started screaming again. I hung up. She sent several texts which I ignored. She called again. Jason answered I could hear his quiet voice talking to her,saying that I was not coming to the phone. I was laying with Lane on his bed. My children are used to me being on an even keel, not laying on a bed crying. Jason came back to the room and both boys lay with me while I cried. I have great children.

Later I went to the local office to do a bit of work. I had decided that there seemed to be a split between what the school board should be focused on and what everybody else wanted us to focus on. My time on the board is donated, my sleepless nights ate given with little reward. I was willing to donate this time for the sake of the school, however, I was not willing to give up this time for stupid arguments that mostly stemmed from previous arguments and hurt feelings. I wrote my resignation letter and sent it out to the board and administration.

I was concerned that when the emotions cleared I would regret leaving the board. A week later I felt pretty good about my decision. There had been a flood of positive responses to my letter asking me to reconsider. I had talked to two of the administration members, who I have respect for, and agreed to give my resignation more thought. After two weeks of thought, and several more conversations, with that same friend I had fought with, I still felt happy with my decision. The friend had called me when the great teacher put in his resignation. She apologized, she knew then what I had alluded too, and agreed that this was a much bigger problem. I was happy to be off of the board and have this weight lifted from me.

Then one evening dh came home and mentioned the two men who were vying for my position. Not two men really, but two douche bags. A phrase I mean in the strongest possible way. My mind played forward what meetings would be like with either of these two in attendance. I thought of the what this would mean for the teachers, it would not be good, and the students. I rescinded my resignation. In two years when my term is up I will rethink my position again. If either of these two are to be on the board they will be there because they were elected, not because I handed it to them.

All of this to say that our president has important decisions to make. Could we please insist that the media educate us on these things? Could we talk about our future as a nation and not every stupid thing that some idiot throws out as a talking point?

American Workers Vs Multi-Billionaires

2011-03-06T19:43:00.000-06:00

I will beat you creme brulee, someday.

2011-02-03T11:27:00.001-06:00

Creme brulee is kicking my ass. Of course I have promised to present said dessert at 12:50. The recipe calls for cooling before it is served, and my ramekins are still in the oven. Having nudged the heat slightly I still have hopes for something edible. After all, they have never had creme brulee, maybe they won't notice. I will them they misunderstood, brulee means soup. The tiramisu looks good. The extra one I made for breakfast tasted good also. Let them eat cake.

A childhood friend found me on facebook. That simple thing has made me ridiculously happy. I had not realized how much I missed my friends until they started finding me. Life is great, so is social networking, just when I need friends they start showing up.

Books, year in review

2011-01-09T23:02:00.002-06:00

*A Study In Scarlet
*Living Dead In Dallas
*A Long Way Gone
*A Thousand Splendid Suns
*Mort
*Have His Carcass
*The Woman He Loved
*The Duchess of Windsor
*The Help
*The Atonement Child
*Across the River and Into the Trees
*Dead Until Dark
*Islands in the Stream
*The Nine Tailors
*In The Presence of My Enemies
*The Documents In The Case
*Look Again
*Persuasion
*The Survivors Club
*The Empty House
*Shades of Grey
*The Joy Luck Club
*Summer Island
*Hangover square
*Dreams from my father
*Brighton Rock
*Nineteen Minutes
*Wicked
*Infidel
*Come, Tell Me How You Live
*Hour of Gold,Hour of Lead:Diaries of Anne Morrow Lindbergh
*Ursula Under
*Slam
*Spud

These are the books I read in 2010. It was not a productive year in the reading category. The only one I did not care for was The Atonement Child. The first half was good, but it went to shit after that. I would recommend Hangover Square to anyone, good book.

My life

2011-01-08T10:24:00.001-06:00

Most days I look at this empty screen and think 'I have nothing to say' So I say nothing. Today, I have nothing to say, so I thought I would just catch up on what have I been doing. Beezus and Ramona have moved back in with me, and Lee is here for Christmas break. That makes me happy. What else? Working mostly, having lived for several years as a stay-at-home mom I have perspective on both sides and I can say that working sucks. It has its good points, like a paycheck and health insurance. It was always scary to take a child to the doctor and wonder if this was going to be your whole food budget for the week, and I most certainly never wanted to go the doctor myself. That would be a total waste of money. Adult interaction is another good point. I enjoy my job, and feel I am good at it, but it still sucks to wake to the sound of an alarm, drive, spend eight hours working for everybody else, then be too tired to work towards my own dreams in the evening. It is not that I am always too tired. That energy that I do have is spent on my children. It has become apparent to me lately that I do not have much time left with them at home, so spending time with them has become a real priority, whether they like it or not. What are these dreams, or projects, that I am pushing back?

I want to build my house. The picture of it is stored in my head and I walk through it at nights. It is beautiful. I want to write a few books. There are stories in my mind that I would like to commit to paper, before paper is archaic. I would like to be a more healthy me. I have plans that include more yoga and belly dancing, I am trying to fit those in to my schedule. I have trouble sticking to schedules. Creating an actual prolific garden would be nice, I play at in now, but it does not produce much. These are all things I am trying to fit into my life. Hopefully I will do a better job of it than I did last year.

What did I do last year. I joined a book club that I have enjoyed. I sent my first child off to college. I remember the day I sat at a red light in Lawrence and it hit me that I had done it. The day Lee was born I pledged to give him a stable childhood. One where he would start preschool and graduate in the same place. One where college was not some foreign world where he would feel he did not belong, but a place he was planning on going some day. Financially I wanted to be able to help him get started. That moment at the stop light, the same day I had cosigned his lease, and enrolled him in school, was a moment of sheer giddiness. I have been through a roller coaster with my sister. We have not agreed on rehab for her or where the girls should live. I am not saying the ride is over, but we are in a nice steady spot right now. Lane and Jason are becoming young men and most days I am proud of them. I have always tried to create an open relationship in the family. That started with answering any question they asked me honestly. It may now have gone a bit too far. I am not sure it is normal to know how Jason's sex life is going. Normal or not he will say things like 'Hey do I have scratch marks on my back?' Who are these men I am raising? The fun is in watching them find out.

Warming the Tundra

2010-12-14T09:36:00.002-06:00

I am supposed to be writing. Instead I read several old posts on this blog. Reading the older ones made my life feel new to me. Nostalgia is a comforting waste of time. With Lee at college I find myself becoming more and more sappy. It is starting to become embarrassing. Drama Queen was describing a friend to me the other day. "She is so nice, she likes to help people, she is like you without the insults." That description of me was apt and made me laugh for days. I do not want to change, but having my heart broke, for what may be the first time in my life, has made an impact on me.
This is sad to say but I have met few people in my life I cannot live without. That is not to say that I do not like people, I just tend to enjoy whichever friends are with me and not worry too much about the ones who are not. In the same vein, even though I have married twice, there has never been a man in my life it would crush me to lose. That is why I was shocked to be standing in a produce section in September and realize that weird crushing feeling that I could not shake was heartbreak. Lee, Beezus, and Ramona had all left me for the school year. In the evenings I would wander around the house trying to find something to keep me busy.My mind was having trouble focusing. I could not remember ever feeling this way before. I can now truly say there are five people in this world I cannot live without. I wonder if this warming spot in my tundra like heart will spread and soon I will gush and love everyone. I hope not, that would be annoying.

My Cripple Creek Expedition

2010-10-11T15:49:00.000-05:00

Even though there happens to be lots to do in Cripple Creek I did not really participate in many of these activities. Being too cheap to gamble, and on a rather wobbly wagon you may not expect me to choose vacations with gambling and drinking being the main themes; Dh, and our friends have drug me to the casinos again. Really I had a great time. I had intended to spend the day seeing the sites, and walking around gazing at the beautiful scenery. Instead I read, napped, and observed several poker games.
It was already dark and cold when we arrived. I stepped out of the car in shorts and was shocked by the sub 40 temps. I found a few of our friends that had drove up separately, put ten dollars in a slot machine cashed out at twenty, and went up to read until one in the morning. The idea of reading so late was exciting because I did not have to work the next day; I could sleep in. At 7:30 my eyes sprang open and would not shut. DH had came to bed at five in the morning so I was trying not to wake him. This was difficult because the bed was smaller than a coffee table book. I read until 8:30 when everybody else woke up. This was shaping up to be a lovely weekend. The whole group met downstairs for breakfast. Anna ordered a mimosa at the casino bar. The bartender had no idea what this was, so after several people tried to explain it to him he handed her a glass of champagne. She carried it into the restaurant and mixed it with two glasses of orange juice and handed me one. In my need to not be rude I drank it. So here I was on my year of no drinking starting the day with a breakfast drink. I thought of having another, but I resisted.
I watched a few hands of blackjack, a few spins by Anna and her husband on slots, then went up to read and have a nap. They woke me later when everybody decided to walk down the street and visit other casinos. They are all about the same. I spent a few hours watching a five card high poker game. There the mysterious allure of these places finally revealed itself to me. As I watched a nearly 80 year old man play and make friends with the other players, while he was addressed by all of the dealers by his first name, it occurred to me that this was a social club and the money spent betting was the entry fee. Much like all of the money spent on licensed sports gear. When you are wearing that new jersey, or a cool retro one, you are automatically in a club that gives you free high fives and conversation starters.Gamblers are the same. They meet in casinos, drink free drinks, and are a part of something. Just by standing behind them and offering up cheers or condolences I was allowed free bottles of water and limited access to their club. That is also where the crowning moment of my weekend came. Under that too good to be true lighting I was carded twice. I was given a wrist band the second time so that I could readily prove I was over 21. Since I am closer to forty than to twenty-one this made me very happy.
After eating a large supper I watched some three card poker with my main goal being to score more free water. Oh, and during that supper I drank 1 1/2 glasses of Fetzer Gewurztraminer. Not being ready for bed, but bored with gaming, I headed over to a different casino where the The Family Juls Band was playing. I approached the bartender for a drink and was quickly carded. Of course I had not thought to bring id since I was not gambling or drinking. I explained that I had only wanted water and was only here to listed to the band. I was escorted to the band area and was told I would not be allowed on the gaming floor. I was beginning to love this place. The band was great. They did an excellent job on some of my favorite songs.
The next morning I slept late and then read until everybody had either spent all of their money or had gotten the gambling bug out of their system. It was nice to know we were driving to a place where winter was still a few weeks away.

Yes, I am a pig

2010-10-06T20:33:00.000-05:00

Most days I believe I am a relatively sane person. Then occasionally a reason comes along to make me doubt that long held belief.
Monday, at work, it was just one of those days. Everything my boss said or did got on my nerves. I really was glad when she went to lunch, because this meant I could be alone for awhile. This is not meant to reflect on my boss, I get incredibly bitchy sometimes.
So there I was alone at work, a long line of customers stretched out in front of me, when somebody started persistently knocking on the back door. I thought it was the ups man even though he is usually patient. Smiling apologetically to the line I ran to get the door. Quietly I sang 'I'm coming' in a cartoon voice. I opened the door and there stood a witty old lady holding out a plate of pecan bars. 'Not fast enough' she answered with a wink. I thanked her quickly and set the bars aside. I could feel through the plate that they were still warm. Here it is worth mentioning that I had not eaten yet that day.
After the customers had all been helped I ate two of the six bars. They were delicious, a nice crisp crust covered in that sugar filled goo that fills pecan pies then a nice layer of pecans. I wish I had more right now. Usually when this kind of treat is brought into the office they are placed on the back table so everyone can have a share of the bounty. I set them on the back table and went back to work. Reasoning that she had brought them in because I had been extremely helpful on Saturday I decided to eat one more, that would half, that would be fair. I ate it slowly since it was my last one.
While I was working I remembered that Saturday I had been scheduled to work an extremely busy day alone. I had worked fast, put in an extra hour, and was still greeted on Monday with a list of complaints because I had missed a few of the deadlines by an hour. Yeah, I deserved another bar. So I ate one; the plate looked bare, nobody brings in just four cookie bars. It was going to be obvious I had ate too many. 'Fuck it,' I thought. I ate the other two. They were just as good as the first two. I threw the plate away and pretended they had never existed.
All afternoon I worried that the lady might come back and mention those damn cookies. She did not. Nobody ever knew about my cookie monster like act. Except that I had a tummy ache. Serves me right.

rant

2010-09-22T12:37:00.000-05:00

I would really like to attend The Rally To Restore Sanity, but alas, taking a trip would be fiscally irresponsible right now. Instead I am going to use the next few minutes as personal rant time.

A while back I posted about Fria Chica's boyfriend, the father of her baby. Well they have been broke up for sometime now. Fresh out of a six months in forced rehab he came up for a visit. She made it clear they were still broke up, she would like him to be a part of their child's life, but she needed her space. He moved in next door. Being a group of optimists we tried to see the best. We thought maybe this would work, he could share the responsibility of raising a child while moving on with his own life. Deep down we knew this wasn't going to happen. It hasn't. He sits in his house with the door open, the sound of Eminem spills into the courtyard, watching for her to come in our out so he can rush out to speak with her. He calls the family or stops by to see if we know where she is. She parks her car at my mom's and sneaks back home so he will think she is out. She is starting to talk of moving back in with Mom so he will leave her alone. He is afraid of my mom. She has told him the police will be called if he sets foot on her property. No one doubts that she is excited by the possibility of this actually happening.
To flesh out this character I will explain more about him. He does not call his musical hero Eminem, he calls him Marshall. This is because he believes they are alike. When they meet they will be close friends. They are going to meet because he is working on a project that Marshall will want to be a spokesperson for. He is going to make it rich on the Internet by supplanting facebook. I have no doubt somebody will, that is the way of the Internet, but it will not be him. His only innovation so far is that his sight will be focusing on mentoring. Many people are great mentors, they have achieved something and want to help others to do the same. He has achieved several d.u.i.s , d.w.i.s a few stints in jail and rehab for an addiction problem he has not quit. His justification for not quitting alcohol and drugs is that when you are rich nobody cares what you do. He is working as a waiter, at least I think he still is, he has not kept a job longer than two months in all of the four years I have known him. So if you want him to teach anything to our high school students he is waiting for his chance. That is his target age group. He has already contacted our computer teacher in the hopes one of her classes will help him build his web page. That is right he has no computer knowledge either. She asked me later if I had any idea who this idiot was that had called her. He told her of his plan to make it rich in the networking business. When she asked what her students would get out of the deal he responded with 'the satisfaction of knowing they had helped'. I do hope someday he pulls his head out and finds some success in something, maybe then he will pay some child support.

The day off

2010-09-01T11:45:00.001-05:00

I am hiding out in my house. Today is my first day off work since school started. With my first look at the schedule I was excited. A day off, home alone, no appointments to haul children to, this was a gift. A gift that needed protecting. I bluntly told Fria Chica, Mom, Anna and her husband, that they were not to come to my house on Wednesday; they would be locked out. I knew I could say this to them and they would understand. I informed them that if they told my brother I was to be home they would be killed. His feelings are more easily bruised. The only worry left was dh, his feelings are tender also . I did not tell him I was having a day off, and was just hoping it would not be a day where he popped in and out of the house several times. Then during an unrelated conversation he reminded me that Wednesday was the start of dove season, not the chocolates. That meant he would be staying Tuesday night at the river drinking with his buddies. All day Wednesday would be spent killing God's innocent creatures. I was relieved.

As I have whined about in another post my several of my family members are going through rough times at the moment. Being a fixer and a worrier this has caused a lot of stress for me lately. My brother has a few personality issues and depression problems that have made being a part of the work force hard for him. Many times when he is between jobs Mom and I have been able to provide a bit of a cushion for him. This time however it just is not feasible. We make sure he has a place to come, talk, and have a meal, but today I need a break, for my sanity.
Miss Universe has been keeping to herself too much lately. I need to reach out to her and see how she is doing. This past year she has left her husband, lived alone, drank heavily, had boyfriends, moved back in with her husband, and is spending a few weekends in jail to atone for a crime she did or did not commit. I worry about her, but I always know she will come out of this just fine, she always does.
Drama Queen. What can I say about her. She hit a downward spiral four years ago and cannot make her way back up. Last spring when the girls moved in with me if felt final. All summer it felt final. Even when I cautioned myself that she would want the girls to move back in with her when school started my heart would not believe it. She entered and left rehab three times this summer. Each time she would call a family member and insist that they drive to Wichita to take her to rehab, if not she would kill herself. She has grown fond of talking about how suicidal she is. I always refused. Fria Chica and Mom started to refuse after she had checked herself back out after two emotional days of checking her in and making arrangements for her. She sucks the energy out of a person. Once when I was leaving Lawrence I had to stop by Wichita and check on her, Mom insisted. She let me in then passed back out on her couch. I made my way through the bottles and debris to the bathroom. Before I left I kissed her goodbye and asked three times if she was going to lock the door behind me. She called the next day to talk. She had had a vague dream about me. She had no recollection of my having been there. The unlocked door had bothered her all morning, she knew someone had been in her house, but had no idea what they had done. She was relieved to find out that it was me, and that I had not violated her. I didn't mention the kiss.
Since her family had quit answering her calls for help she called friend. Worried, her friend called the police to check on her. She was drunk and belligerent when they arrived on the scene. She was put into rehab, but had talked her way out by the end of the weekend. My sister is a beautiful, skilled actor. They agreed that she wasn't masking any mental illnesses with her drinking, she just need outpatient treatment to help control her alcohol problem. You and I would have believed her too. I have seen her in action, she is good.
While I was checking out of the motel to leave Ks. City she called to talk. I stepped out of line and sat in a large overstuffed chair to hear about her weekend. We laughed as she told me about stumbling in her apartment and hitting her head on the mantle. She had no idea where in Wichita she had left her vehicle. She had told off a few of her boyfriends. I was regaled by her stories. She was in a buoyant mood. Her enthusiasm was catchy. By the time we had hung up I was in a silly mood too. Later, in a rare book store in Lawrence, I talked to here again. She was drunk and crying hysterically. We talked for about ten minutes about how bad her life was. Upon hanging up the phone I instructed the boys not to answer if she called again. I was not going to listen to that all day. I didn't think about banning call from Mom also. Mom called Lane's phone. He answered and handed it to me. I was to go by Drama Queen's and take her to get her anti-drinking prescription filled on my way through Wichita. I grudgingly agreed. Drama Queen called constantly to see when I would be there. At an hour away she called. She called ten minutes later. As we were pulling into town she called. It was only then that I realized she did not want her prescription filled. She wanted me to take her to a dry out center. I told her we were thirty minutes from town, but would be there soon. I drove to a Cold Stone Creamery. We had been having a great weekend, and I was not ready to enter crazy town just yet. I apologized in advance to Lee, Lane, and Emma for the whatever was about to happen. We made our way across town. Lee and Emma stayed in the car. Lane and I went up to her apartment. We had to shove the couch from in front of the door to enter. She was laying, shirtless, in the middle of the floor with a bottle and a butcher knife posed dramatically beside her. She fell over twice as we made her get up and get dressed, bumping her head solidly on the wall several times. She fought and yelled that she did not want to go to rehab, as I poured out all of the liquor and beer. Finally I remembered that I had not wanted to take her to rehab, this was her idea. It is easy to lose sight of these details in the middle of a scene. Okay, fine, I said. Lane, let's go. We started to leave. No, she pleaded. I need to go, please take me. She left the apartment with us. We had to help her down four flights of stairs. She fell several more times. In the car she didn't want to go to rehab. She tried to jump out as I drove down Kellogg. Finally at the dry out center she refused to enter. They would not take her unless she walked through the door on her own. She stumbled out and lay face first first on a patch of grass. We sat in the car and watched her. Then a worker noticed her and came out to see what was going on. I went over and explained that I was not going leave her there. Oh she is with you. He looked relieved. He bent down and talked to her. She agreed to go inside if I would bring her a carton of cigarettes. She went inside. I drove to a gas station. Back at the center, cigarettes in hand, we watched an ambulance pull in. Ignoring it I knocked on the door. At least that can't be hers, I thought, she hasn't been here long enough. Slowly as no one answered the door it dawned on me that I was wrong. I walked around to the back. She was laying on cement. She had been trying to climb the wood fence and leave, but had fallen backwards and smacked her head on the cement. I gave the ambulance drivers her name as they loaded her up. I had to go inside and answer some questions that a worker asked me. She made it very clear that she was angry that I had brought her. Back in the car we watched the ambulance drive away. We agreed that it was time to go home. We tried to find somewhere to eat chicken and waffles, but the place was closing. We ordered Church's chicken instead. It had a horrible smell. We through it out, and drove home.
Now the girls are back in Wichita enrolled in school. My heart is broken, my worry about their safety is a constant companion. Last night Drama Queen called to talk. Her boyfriend, the latest in a string that have not treated her nicely, has given her Chlamydia. She is angry. When she had made a snide comment about it the night before he had started to hit her. He was banging her head against the patio floor. She said he probably would have killed her if Ramona had not woken up. I let her talk awhile longer before I voiced my fear. What if he had not left when Ramona woke up? I insisted that she quit letting men like this into her house. She agreed, but I knew it was a promise that would soon be forgotten.
It was after ten, I had been making Jason a grilled cheese sandwich and a cup of noodles while I talked to her. Still talking I made Lane and myself a sundae. It was actually just vanilla ice cream covered with some strawberry-rhubarb jam I had made. I got off the phone and finished my ice cream. I had been planning to go straight to bed, but now I could not sleep. Dead Until Dawn was on my nightstand waiting to be started. At three in the morning I finished it. My mind was cleared. I slept very well for six hours.
I have been carrying this tale around, it feels good to write it down.

Man U live!

2010-07-27T10:24:00.002-05:00

MANCHESTER UNITED MIDFIELDER NANI
On Kansas City’s style of play
“Their entire team played very well today. They played with a lot of motivation because they played Manchester United. It's difficult to compare them directly to Barcelona because they're one of the best teams in the world to play that kind of football, but they play very nice and quick and they passed the ball well like a quality Spanish club. Their style was good.”

It was a great weekend for U.S. soccer. While we were cheering for the other team it was a win/win situation for us. We were there to see Manchester United play live, which has been a goal of Lee's for years now.It would have been nice to see them win, but it was good to see how high a level our clubs are playing at. Lee, Lane, Emma -Lee's girlfriend, and I loaded into the car Saturday morning and made the nine hour drive to KC. We arrived tired and ready for a swim, but we had a great time.

To have a weekend away was wonderful. We stopped in Wichita to eat Mongolian food, which Emma had never had, and to develop some film. By the time we made it to the hotel we were too tired to do much more than swim, shower and go to bed. The next morning we wanted Cold Stone Creamery for breakfast. The g.p.s. led us to one that didn't open on Sunday's, a shopping center with one that must be invisible, and to a field that held one with a cloaking device. We had a frosty instead.

At the stadium I made an exception to my no alcohol rule. They had a Thai beer that I had never seen before and wanted to try, so I bought one, at $7.50 a bottle I was only going to get one. It was good, not great, but good. My family is still giving me a hard time for making the exception.We went to our seats, which were awesome, they were first row by a corner. I never thought I would see so many Man U fans concentrated into one place. It was exciting. The red was everywhere. The KC fan base were impressive. They were loud. excited, and later in the parking lot, belligerent. At first this offended me, but they were young excited fans with a big win to boast about. Sure they were sore winners, but that is a problem with every soccer game world wide, we are finally catching up.

On Monday we decided to make a slow trip home. We stopped in Lawrence did some shopping for body jewelry and books. We went to a Cold Stone and got huge ice creams. We drove on to Wichita. We picked up our film and found another Cold Stone and had another huge ice cream. I have left out a bit of family phone calls which affected the rest of the evening. I will talk about those some other time. For now I want to focus on a great trip. Two XL ice creams in one day is a signal of a good time.

Peace

2010-07-22T00:15:00.001-05:00

As the kids were leaving they asked what I was going to do with myself. Here I was all alone, the possibilities were endless, would I read, write, watch tv, do yoga? I locked the door in case somebody stopped by I did not want to waste my free time on. I put on the tea kettle, watered some plants, started a load of laundry. I through the skirt I had been wearing into the wash. I noticed Fria chica walking up the drive at the same time the phone started to ring. Running to unlock the door I looked around for the cordless phone, which is the only one with caller id, I could not find it so I grabbed the wall phone.
It was Drama Queen. She was crying. Drunk again she asked me to check her in to a rehab, a different one than the one she has walked out of three times since April, a better one, that she would enjoy herself in. I explained that Disney hadn't made a rehab center yet. She cried and reminded me that she is suicidal. There was a knock at the door. I hollered for Fria Chica to come in. Drama Queen kept talking. There was a constant, insistent knock on the door. I interrupted the conversation and ran to find pants. At the door I found two of Jason's friends. They left. I ran back to the phone. We talked for a while longer then I talked to both of the girls. They are staying the summer with me, but are visiting their mom this week. We decided to make jam and french bread next week when they are back.
I decided to come here to update with my free time. My mom called. The reception was bad, because she was outside in the wind, I could hear enough to know she wanted me to drive to Wichita to get the girls. I hung up as soon as the reception became bad enough to warrant it. Dh came home he told me how depressed he has been over losing his top teeth and getting a plate, which he rarely wears, then we decided to watch a movie. My mom came to the door. She told me Beezus wanted to come home right now. I told her I had just talked to her and she seemed okay for the night. She wanted to talk about how unfit a mother Drama Queen is, but I could not do it. Dh seemed happy to join in. I stated that I was not going to speculate about it now. I was ready to watch a movie and would call Drama Queen tomorrow to make arrangements for the girls. My mom left. We started the movie. The phone rang. It was Ramona. She said grandma told her to call and tell me they were ready to come home. When I asked if she wanted to come home tonight. She said that grandma told her to call and tell me Beezus was ready. So much for a peaceful night.
Tonight I wish that I had not arranged my life so that there was no one for me to lean on. I have spent most of my adult life trying to keep my family together. I have planned holidays and steered through many family emergencies. Of course maybe I am exaggerating my role and the family itself has not changed course by the force of my energy. Either way I am sensing a different type of crisis. A slow moving storm that I can not keep us together through. I feel myself cutting them loose and holding only my immediate family on the raft. I worry that it will not even be enough for the five of us, yet I am pulling the girls on with us. Is this the point where I stand back and let my family choose its own course? I am tired of constant manipulation, and am in the hopes that writing a note in the void will be a form of catharsis.

So far so good

2010-06-04T11:54:00.000-05:00

I was worried about the temptation to drink at events. These are days when I know I am going to have a drink or two because everybody around me will be drinking too. Two have passed by so far and they have been easy. Two graduation parties on the same weekend flew by with me having no problem saying no. A softball tournament came and went without the thought of beer crossing my mind. This year may be harder than I expected.
You see it was the big events that I expected to give me trouble. Mentally I had prepared myself for them and was ready. Surprisingly it has been normal spring evenings that have been tempting me. After a long day of hauling dirt up ladders to finish my living roof I had a pounding heat headache. The thought of a cold beer seemed lovely. After a evening of planting herbs the red sunset brought to mind a glass of Merlot with Anna. I find myself socializing less. The ritual of a drink or two always called for a friend, now when I dismiss the plot of relaxing over alcohol I also toss away the idea of sitting with a friend. I am going to have to do something about that.

Luckily the years are flying by

2010-06-02T12:05:00.000-05:00

The Friday before Mother's day dh asked if I wanted to go out for Chinese food for Mother's day. I agreed. Then he added that first we had to drive to Woods to pick up a lawn mower, and that another couple were going to join us. While driving back towards the restaurant Anna called to ask if I was coming to her party that evening. I had forgot about the damn thing. She was hosting a party for some scented product for the home. My home always smells like dirty teenage feet, no matter how many products I use. I told her I would be there, but that I would be late. After we ate I informed the other lady, who I do not know very well yet, that I was taking her with me to drink. And drink we did. She had to run/walk a 3k the next morning and I hear that her question as she collapsed at the finish line was "Do I smell like vodka?"
I woke the next morning and while still lying in bed I felt pretty good. I felt at peace like I had gotten a reprieve from the stress of everyday life. Going over the night before in my head it occurred to me that I was beginning to have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. Like many teenagers I drank too much on the weekends, then I went shifted to rarely drinking when my children were young. Now that they are older I drink once or twice a month and that hasn't changed. What has changed is the way I drink. My rule had always been drink my first one at a normal speed, nurse my second one, then have a glass of water, repeat through the night. Somewhere along the way I have dropped that rule. I have been speed drinking with the intent of drunkenness. Dressed and ready for my day I feel ok. I arrived at work early. Five minutes later I was throwing up and felt like I might die. Somehow I struggle through the work day and then retire to my room for the rest of the day. Sunday morning I drove to Liberal to do my grocery shopping. Smiling and cheerful I walked through stores greeting everyone I met. Humanity looked lovely to me, beauty was evident in every rough face I found. For some inexplicable reason I am happier and feel better about life on Earth after a night of excess.
That was the problem with my drinking habit, I was using it for stress relief. Had it been working I would just stick with it, but I was feeling more stressed than ever these days, so it was time for a change. I am sticking with my promise to abstain from drinking until next mothers day. In this year I plan to find better ways of dealing with the stress of everyday life.

Where's the lamb?

2010-04-23T12:20:00.000-05:00

A couple of months ago on a cold Sunday afternoon I sat down with my family and watched Julie and Julia. It reminded me of how much I love cooking. In my life I cook almost daily, and I enjoy it, however, it has been a long time since I have tried anything more involved than risotto. After the movie I decided to try cooking a more difficult meal each week. That never happened. I did do eggs benedict one Sunday morning, I'll count that as one meal in two months. Now that I have five children in my home,and one of them in that dreaded senior year in which the time it takes is only outpaced by the amount of money it costs, I spend a good part of my time in the kitchen. Did I really want to try anything too taxing?
On a feild trip to Topeka last week I read an article in Food & Wine that included three Morrocan recipes. Surely I could do these. Sunday night while on my bimonthly shopping trip I picked up the few ingredients I needed. Everything I would need, except for the main ingredient for my Lamb and Noodle stew. The week before Easter I had bought a beautiful lamb roast at Dillons, so I had not expected any trouble. I had roasted the lamb right away with a simple garlic and salt paste rubbed on it, why hadn't I saved it? Sunday at 11:00 pm there was no lamb to be found in Liberal. Not to be detered I pulled a beef arm roast out of my deep freeze to make Beef and Noodle Stew.
Wednesday was to be the day. The weather was forcasted to be cool and windy, so I would not want to be outdoors, and I had nothing else planned. Of course work got in the way. I worked a half an hour late in the Elk office and needed to put in a couple of hours at our local office. I made it back into town at five and decided to put off the local office until I had put the girls to bed. I didn't read the recipes thoroughly before I started, which is unusual for me, normally I visualize the whole thing to help make a plan. Diving right in I did not notice that the noodles were to go through a longer process than simply boiling them. I started with the eggplant dish since it seemed to take more time. While the eggplant was charring in a stainless steel pot, not the cast iron cassarole, I started the beef dish. The recipe called for a cilantro bundle. For a second I stared at the cilantro thinking it would just be easier to chop it and toss it in. "Are you going to do this or not?" I asked myself. Had I really become such a lazy cook that walking into the next room and cutting a piece of string was too much for me? I tied the cilantro and tossed it in the pan. It was not difficult. I put the saffron into a skillet to toast for ten seconds. I pressed it with a wooden spoon and started counting. Miss Universe walked in with Huggy bear. I grabbed my tea and walked to the sofa to talk with her a second. While we were talking the fire alarm went off. The saffron was black. I started over with a new batch. The eggplant dish was finished earlier than I expected. I put it in the oven which was still warm from toasing the almonds. It was then that I noticed that the noodles required two forty minute steaming sessions before they went into the water. As I reached the point where the lamb was almost done I stressed out and started to think about skipping one of the steaming sessions. It was already after seven-thirty, I needed to get the girls in the shower by eight-thirty. They were outside jumping on the trampoline with Huggy bear and Sebastion. I decided not to skip on the noodles. I started the pear desert and made myself another cup of tea. By the time I sat down to drink my tea I realized that I was almost done. The noodles would need a two minute boil and the pears could poach while we ate.

The dinner was delicious. It took three hours for me to cook it, but I think I can cut that down to one and a half next time. The girls did not get into bed until ten, which meant that I didn't finish up at the local office until midnight. It was good though, and it made great leftovers on Thursday.

Here we go again.

2010-04-19T11:55:00.001-05:00

Just when I quit expecting it Drama Queen had a crisis. She is in rehab, and the girls are back living with me. It is always amazing to me how we manage to fit two more kids in our three bedroom home, but kids are like tupperware, they stack.I was worried about how hard it was going to be to bring them back at the end of the school year. I was afraid it would be especially hard since it was a promotion year for Beezus and she would have to miss her field trip and the ceremony. They are troopers though and have not complained at all. In fact they seem cheerful about the whole situation. Yesterday I was up on my roof working while they ran around the yard in their swimming suits playing in the numerous mud puddles. Ramona said 'her first day of school was excellent, thanks for asking' before anyone could think to ask her how school was. She added that the food was better here than it was in Wichita. I will have to tell Anna that. since she is cook at our school.

*I have picked new names for the girls now that they are not really babies anymore. You probably noticed from context they are Ramona and Beezus.

A second pro-choice post; I am getting predictable

2010-03-26T12:38:00.000-05:00

Not one of the news stations I listen to have mentioned the school in Washington that allowed a fifteen year old student to leave school for a medical procedure, that happened to be an abortion, that is probably because they were covering acutal news. With a couple of wars, healthcare, and violence against legislators they have been a bit busy. However, their unthoughtfullness left me unprepared this morning when I was faced with this question, "Have you heard about the school in Washington that hauled a fourteen year old girl off campus for an abortion? Her mother had signed a consent form for them to take her child off campus for 'treatment' at the start of the school year, but it never mentioned abortion." I bet it did not mention stitches either.
Since I was unprepared my only two responses were, "She should have read that paper a little more closely; she should have looked into that better," (I will explain why I even said the second half of the sentence in a minute) and "If her daughter got pregnant, had a pregnancy test, and an abortion without consulting her maybe she should be looking at her parenting skills."
When a teenager in our area has a child the first response I hear is "That is another one of our babies," said in a snide tone. This is to point out that our tax dollars will go towards raising this child. If we do not want to pay for the child, or provide for family planning where do we expect teenagers who have made a mistake to go for help? Since it was a private clinic that made arrangements with the girl the only role the school played was letting her miss class without a note from home.
Teenage pregnancy is a sad situation with no great solutions, but the private clinic, not the school,stepped in and did what they thought was right. The girl made her decision. No laws were broken, and now the mother is spending her energy railing against the school. Will she still have energy left to go home and build a relationship with her daughter? Will it occur to her that she should?

As for that unexplained half of a sentence that looks a bit random I was just being an ass. Earlier this week we were talking about healthcare reform and the problems we as a nation are facing. We both agreed that malpractice insurance is a problem. Her solution was that people should not be allowed to sue doctors who make a mistake. "Not even if they cut off the wrong leg?" I asked. Her solution does not allow suing at all. It is the patients responsibilty to research the doctor, with a mistake like a wrongly cut off leg on the doctors record no one else is likely to choose that doctor. If they are not allowed to sue patients will do a better job of choosing doctors in the first place. Which is great except for that first unfortunate patient;he is still without a leg.

Freedom

2010-02-10T11:56:00.000-06:00

In my line of work I occasionally have to look at conservative propaganda. A love of my sanity keeps me from reading whole articles, but I do argue with the headlines. Yesterday there was a cartoon on the front of a magazine that depicted Tim Tebow. The bubble said "My mom was advised to abort me and chose not to." On the next square was a baby's grave. The script read "And now a rebuttal from the opposing view." Being a strong believer in free speech I was not offended by the add at all.

The cartoon on the other hand annoyed me. There is a simple rebuttle to the add, the word chose. She chose to have a baby, because it was her choice. A different woman making a different choice, or the same one for that matter, will not make Pam Tebow's choice any more or less valid. Freedom is what is at stake. The conservative propoganda machine has hijacked and mis-used the word 'freedom'; Only by encouraging Americans to think for themselves will we get it back.

2010-02-04T19:33:00.002-06:00

The good news, Miss Universe does not have cancer.

2010-01-28T11:56:00.000-06:00

I received a text yesterday instructing me to meet at Miss Universe's apartment at 6:30, Fria Chica received this same text. We both assumed something was up and she wanted to talk. In reality she had stumbled onto some weed. Not much in my lifestyle would suggest that my next few moves involved sitting on the floor, rolling around laughing, and eating way too much chocolate, but that is what I did.

I do not remember much of what I found ridiculously funny but the snippets of conversation that do keep popping into my head have made me smile all day. I could have done without the part of the evening that involved me trying to walk into my house without letting the children know what I had been up to. I felt like a sneaky teenager again.

Conversations

2010-01-26T12:10:00.000-06:00

Two conversations have struck me lately. Here they are.

"Look what I am sending off to the governor." An older man said. "I think Sarah and Todd will get a kick out of this."

"Oh, that is neat." A lady answers. "My brother sent my mom a copy of her book that they have both signed."

"Have you read her book yet?" The man asks her.

"Not yet, I'll borrow my mother's when she is finished, but I told my brother I was really jealous."

"She starts her tour with Fox News today."

"I am so excited for her."

What makes this conversation odd is that neither of these people have met Sarah. They have the same access to information that the rest of the world does, why then do they still speak in awed tones, why is he still calling her the govenor? What would make this conversation scary would be knowing that people all over the country are talking like this, I hope that is not the case.

The next one is not odd or scary, it just made me think about how much we try to shelter people we love, and how stilted that can make conversations.

Fria Chica, Miss Universe and I were all sitting in a gym watching the kids play basketball. Miss Universe stood up and pulled a cigarette and lighter out of her bag. She turned to Fria Chica and asked if she was coming with her. Fria Chica looked almost sheepish. "Have you quit again?" Miss Universe asked her. I laughed.

"She looked at you with such derision." I said to Fria Chica.
"Quitters never win, winners never quit." She pointed her cigarette at Fria Chica to add emphasis.

"What am I quitting except for a higher chance of cancer?" Fria Chica tensed up as the word cancer left her lips. She was frozen with regret at what she had said.

I turned to Miss Universe and said. "You have been inhaling way too deep."

Young people often try to say nothing offensive at all. Sometimes I forget that there is a nine year age gap between Fria Chica and myself. She has not yet learned that being treated abnormally makes people more uncomfortable than the occasional thoughtless remark. Miss Universe and I were young when a former teacher taught us this lesson with true class. Here husband had died less than a month before. It was in the middle of July; M.U. and I were walking down the middle of the street. She was doing yard work and stood to greet us. We stopped to talk about little things like yard work and weather. M.U. said that trying to work out in the middle of the heat would make her feel like dying. We all felt her tense up. She could not believe she had just said that. Our former teacher went on to agree that the heat would just kill her. She used the words kill or death several times in the next few minutes.

All in all it wasn't that bad

2010-01-20T12:26:00.001-06:00

Most of the time my life feels extremely blessed. I do not know what I have done to deserve such a great life, but I am enjoying it while it lasts. However, somedays it feels like the other shoes has just dropped into my lap and squashed the nice piece of cake I had balanced there. Yesterday was one of those days.
With all of my whining though I must point out that most of the crap was not happening to me. I just felt bad for my lack of control in the fortunes of others. First, I had major cramping while I was rebooting my ovarian system. I was extremely tired;I could not sleep the night before and was way overloaded at work. Drama Queen is homeless after a series of mismanaged events. Which means my baby girls lives are unstable again. Not being able to just scoop them up and bring them home is the hardest part. Then the worst news of all is that Miss Universe is being tested because the doctors fear she has bladder cancer, on top of her ms. I just started laughing yesterday evening when reading Lee's rejection letter from the honors program at K.U.
So far today had been going fine, although I still have not been able to sleep.

Books I have read in 2009

2010-01-18T10:02:00.002-06:00

On a year when I have only posted nine times I am sure I left out several books. This is the only place I keep a list, since I am way to lazy to keep more than one.

* *Scent of Magic
* *Gods of Aberdeen
* *Your Loyal and Loving Son:The Letters of Tank Gunner Karl Fuchs, 1937-41
* *Jenne
* *The Ladies of Llangollen
* *A Wrinkle In Time
* *The Clocks
* *The Third Girl
* *Northanger Abbey (re-read)
* *Sense and Sensibility (re-read)
* *Pride and Prejudice (re-read)
* *Lolita
* *Reading Lolita in Tehran
* *A Thousand Splendid Suns
* *The Half Blood Prince (re-read)
* *The Deathly Hallows (re-read)
* *A Room Of One's Own
* *Getting Stoned with Savages
* *The Ballod of Reading Gaol and other poems
* *Xinran Sky Burial
* *The House That Jill Built
* *Blood Sucking Fiends
* *The Pearl
* *The Fellowship Of The Ring (re-read)
* *Lord Peter Views The Body
* *The Last Lecture
* *The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society
* *Aunt Erma's Cope Book

Time is moving too quickly again

2010-01-18T09:52:00.000-06:00

My last post made it sound like finishing my nano novel was out of the question. I did finish on 11/30 with forty-five minutes to spare. My roof still is not finished. The weather turned cold and for the most part has stayed that way. I did get it to a waterproof stage before it snowed, but I need to add the dirt to hold the pond liner in place. Every time we get a strong wind it curls up and I have to climb up and straighten it out. Today I have the day off and it is supposed to be warm;I hope to get some work done.
I was planning on working on it yesterday too, but I put off my work to fix chocolate chip pancakes and play croquet with my family. My work ethic has not changed much since school.
Last night I stayed up until three a.m. finishing the book Ursula Under. It quickly leaped to my list of favorite books. It was chocked full of interesting stories that traversed history and geography in a meandering path. I sound like a gushing school girl, if so this book is the captain of the football team.

Peaceful building

2009-11-09T11:50:00.000-06:00

My word count has been completely blown. I am not sad about it at all though. Finally, after way too long, I am on my way to roofing the bedroom I have been working on. We set all of the beams in on Sunday and cobbed up to them. Hopefully by the end of this week the roof will be finished. It is going to be a living roof and I can already see it. Lee worked on the finishing touches of a long built-in shelf when he had breaks from roofing. The shelf is simple and beautiful. I had forgotten how peaceful building with cob can be. It was a lovely weekend.

More rambling

2009-11-04T11:59:00.000-06:00

Well I have been keeping up on my daily word count, so I am still just the same 1300 words behind. So far I am loving my story, that is the biggest trick to finishing by 11/30, loving what you are working on. I spend my days at work trying to schedule my after work chores so that I will have at least two hours to write in the evening. Today I just remembered that I have The Reader checked out from the library. It is due tomorrow. I am trying to fit watching it in to the schedule, but I am not sure if it will fit.

Nanowrimo is here!

2009-11-02T12:07:00.000-06:00

I started my Nano novel yesterday. I am already around 1300 words behind. This is typically my month for whining about Nano. December is the month I recover from Nano. Every other month I eagerly anticipate November. This may be the definitive sign of my craziness.

If you haven't ever tried a nano novel check out nanowrimo.org then you can be crazy too.

logic clouded by hate

2009-10-27T12:08:00.000-05:00

Again this morning I was working quietly when my boss found me. We had been talking about the flu earlier in the morning. She was convinced, by that infamous "news" channel, that H1N1 was just a government hoax. Now whenever somebody we know falls ill with it, and several people have, I make sure to tell her. Entertainment is hard to come by at work; I take it where I find it. This time she turned the corner and showed me a look of complete hurt. "Did you know fourteen soldiers died in Afghanistan last night?" No I hadn't heard that I responded. "Of course he is acting like nothing happened. He was on Letterman again. I think he is running for entertainer of the year." How do I respond to that? I went with my go to move of turning back to my work. Fortunately she wasn't waiting for a response. "I think we could solve this whole problem by loading up a missle with swine flu and blowing it up in the middle of Afghaninstan. We could just kill off the whole country that way." Apparently she doesn't think genocide is a goal to be shied away from. These type of comments always deserve a response. So I said. I just heard on the radio this morning that Afghanistan has one of the highest rates of death during childbirth in the world. No response from her. They have an undeveloped medical care system. I added. She turned and went back to work. How do you respond to a statement like that.

2008

2009-10-12T12:47:00.002-05:00

Books I read in 2008

There may have been a few more. I quit updating my blog often around the end of '08.

# Clouds of Witness
# *Winston and Clementine
# *The Widow Of The South
# *The Last Summer of You and Me
# *The Perfect Storm
# *Goodbye again the Definitive Peter Cook and Dudley Moore
# *The Time Traveler's Wife
# *Kabul
# *My Booky Wook
# *Circle of Freinds
# *Dexter in the Dark
# *When Will Jesus Bring The Porkchops
# *Sweetwater Creek
# *The Amber Spyglass
# *Light On Snow
# *The Dante Club
# *The Subtle Knife
# *The Golden Compass*
# *The Tale Of Despereaux
# *In The Gloaming
# *Good Omens
# *When Madeline Was Young
# *Smoking, Drinking, and Screwing
# *The Secret River
# *The Hidden Diary of Marie Antoinette
# *Three Cups Of Tea
# *P.S. I Love You
# *Wide Sargasso Sea
# *Black and Blue
# *My Sister's Keeper
# *The Slaughter House Five
# *The Night of Rain and Stars
# *The Reluctant Tuscan
# *Hissyfit
# *Eats, Shoots, & Leaves
# *Middlesex
# *Things I Overheard While Talking To Myself
# *Best Friends
# *Africa in my Blood

Conservatives

2009-10-09T12:00:00.004-05:00

I am not the only [I pause here because I don't know what to call myself, non-conservative is the best I can come up with] non-conservative in my area, but some days it feels like I am. Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. I am not sure how I feel about that because I am not sure who else was up for it or if there was a more deserving person out there. As President he should be working towards peace simply as part of his job. The specifics are not what has struck me today anyway;they are not what I want to talk about.
I was working quietly, as I do most days, when my boss came to tell me about the prize. I could tell she was shocked, and I knew how she would feel without her saying a word. She went ahead and told me anyway. I tried to change the conversation so I asked what he had won it for? She didn't know. "Surely not for his great speeches." She said in an angry, sarcastic tone. "Or just for being king of the world." She added. She was getting worked up now. "I heard the new dog made a mess in Air Force One that will cost us $500.00 to clean." I knew I couldn't take much more of this so I started laughing and said I could imagine that conversation at home. I mimicked my own childrens' 'please moms' and 'I promises' to show how it could have happened in any family. This parent just happened to be the President, and the vehicle was Air Force One. Not to be derailed she wondered how he could possible control (her word) the nation if he couldn't control his family. I started talking about having kids in the White house. I casually brought up Kessler's book. I mentioned, as if I were heading nowhere with the conversation, how he said Chelsea Clinton was supposed to have caused very little trouble. Then I brought up how much trouble the Bush children were said to have caused. She believes, at this point in the conversation, that it is hard to live in the White House when every little thing you do is going to be picked on by the press. She then started talking about how hard it would have to be to have the secret service always following you while you were growing up. How it would be hard to not rebel against it. She ended the conversation by saying she guessed how the child reacted would depend on the age of the child at the time. I let the conversation end, because that is what I really wanted anyway. I could have pointed out that Chelsea was also a teenager when her father was in the White House, or that her measure of 'controlling children' would make Bush a worse President than Obama or Clinton. Sometimes though I think that it is better to let people see their own hypocrisy slowly as they replay conversations in their head.

Technology

2009-10-09T11:44:00.002-05:00

I am embarrassed. January, I haven't posted since January. That is about the time my part time job morphed into a 50 hour a week job. I obviously can't do it all. I am not one of those people who just manage to get everything done. I have the utmost respect for those people, but I am not one of them. My sister, Drama Queen, talked me into signing up for a facebook account two days ago. That seems to be a big time suck. I also am not geared towards that type of communication. Something inside of me is very old fashioned when it comes to communicating. Understand, I love technology. I love gadgets and science and wondering where we will go next. That is the part of dying that most scares me. I want to see flying cars and moon colonies. When we are skipping from planet to planet engaging with the aliens I want to be here. When I communicate though I want long conversations. Texting is great for a quick question, but it is not a conversation. Every time I visit one of the networking sites I am hit with how little substance there is. I may find out what type of drunk a person is, or which smurf they would be, but still know nothing of there personality. That is why I prefer blogs. Reading a few short paragraphs can give quite a bit of insight about a person. Not that I am against them. Let everyone use what bit of technology they like and leave the rest.

Not much sense or sensibility

2009-01-19T15:18:00.003-06:00

I had to question my sanity today. I was scrolling through our dvr list today when I noticed the first half of the BBC production of Sense and Sensibility had been deleted. Since it would be ridiculous to watch just the second half of a movie I deleted the conclusion. I recorded these months ago when PBS ran them on Masterpiece. Fria chica and I have been planning on watching it together one of these days so I have been saving them. The part of this story that made me question my sanity is how despondent I was about the loss. I was angry and sad with small revenge-filled thoughts running through my head. It is not like my family actually broke the last copy and wiped this movie from the human realm. They just, accidentally I'm sure, deleted my only copy. I had to force myself to see reason;it took quite awhile.

Speaking of Fria chica the drama of her current boyfriend continues. On his way to rehab he stopped in Wichita to visit her for a day or two. She is spending the week with Drama Queen, who had agreed to this visit. During this time he seemed to be binging on the drugs he was going to rehab to quit. I would have more sympathy with his whole plan to quit if it was sincere and not just another ploy to stay out of jail for his latest dui arrest. Due to family money and influence he has spent very little time in jail for his last three offenses. Shortly into his stay Drama queen had to explain to him that she would prefer he not do drugs at her house, but if he could not comply with that request would he at least not leave his pop-can bong, complete with ashes, right outside the front door. Later in the night he punched a hole through her apartment wall, broke Fria chica's phone and managed to frighted all of the children. She kicked him out of her house, twice, before she was finally able to get him to leave town. He is now safely in rehab, but he has been calling us several times a day trying to get Drama queen's number. Once when I was out Lane answered the call and the guy tried to convince him it was a matter of life and death. Somehow he thought Lane would buy some line about it being an emergency because he was near cardiac arrest. I am not sure if he thinks my kids are younger or stupider than they actually are.

Where have I been?

2009-01-09T12:50:00.005-06:00

This is more difficult than I imagined it would be. I have been sitting here reading over my blog for the last ten minutes trying to work up the nerve to click the new post button. I feel like I have just ran into an ex-lover who I have not seen in years. How do you start getting to know each other again?
I'll start with what happened to me. November was a month in which so much happened that blogging just kept getting pushed back. Fria Chica did end up moving back home;just not with a definite break like I expected. The boyfriend is still a part of her life and therefore a peripheral in mine. He is a nice guy, he just needs to work through his issues. He came up for Christmas and we had a really great time. He was coming up for Halloween, but got stopped halfway here and spent the weekend in jail. Having Fria Chica back is great, I just spend most of my precious free time with her and Pookie instead of updating this thing. In November I was also temporarily transferred back to the local office. They are going to eventually hire a permanent replacement for my last boss, I hope it is me, until then I am running the office. Then at the end of November, just as I was finishing my Nanowrimo novel, my computer crashed. Luckily it had made an odd sound a couple of days before its unfortunate demise so I quickly backed up what I had so far. I walked to DH's office the last two nights and finished up the novel there. That is right, I finished this year and am extremely proud of myself.
Then December hit. With the new job,Christmas,school board (extra meetings because of a teacher who overstepped his bounds with a student or five,depending on how many of the rumors are true),and school fundraisers, I did not even get around to buying a new computer until January.

Now here is January. The kids are back in school. I have not yet taken down my tree. That is going straight on my to do list. I took today off of work so that I could have a day at home all alone. It is great. Earlier I watched About a Boy. I had forgotten how funny that movie is. While I was watching it Lee came home from school on his lunch break to add more hairspray to the sculpture that is his hair. We had fixed it that morning and it was starting to fall. He is not truly dressed up unless his hair is reaching the same heights as Russel Brand's. Lane sat on my bed and watched us while making jokes about how many heroin filled balloons Lee had about his person.
Jason has been sick for the last few days so he spends every morning trying to decide if he can make it through school. Honestly if it were just school he would stay home, but it is homecoming tonight and he does not want to miss his game or the dance.
This morning Lane took off a pair of jeans because they have a rip in the knee. The worn spot they already had when I bought them, at the start of the school year, has finally gave way. I offered to patch them and he declined my offer. I threatened to quit buying jeans that are already halfway ruined if he was not going to try and make them last. He insisted he will still wear them with black leggings underneath. The thing is I just bought Jason a pair for Christmas that have patches that look like he sewed them on himself. So I made it clear I would do a crappy job and make sure they looked just like Jason's new pair. How illogical are we, as consumers, when we will wear worn and patched jeans, but only if we spent a lot of money on them. We've gone mad.

tough choices

2008-10-10T11:33:00.002-05:00

Fria chica has believed the story her boyfriend told her about the heroin being old and no longer used as only a lover can. She decided to stay with him. I think part of my lack of understanding comes from selfishness;I was so excited at the thought of having her back. Of course we still talk almost everyday so it isn't like she is that far removed. They are coming down this weekend to visit. On the way they are swinging through Wichita to pick up the girls. I am looking forward to Sunday's breakfast. Lately we have only been having 10-12 family members and it seems very quiet.

I left work this morning at lunch as was struck at the deep blue of the sky. That is one of my biggest complaints about where I work, we rarely see the sky. For lunch I sat on a park bench and ate a couple of corned beef sandwiches while noticing how the still green trees looked as they brushed against the sky. I don't remember noticing the lack of nature as much when I worked at the library. There were a few large windows there that had a nice view, but I wonder if being surrounded by books was the real difference.
That led me to ask myself to make a choice. Say the choice was between a lifetime spent outdoors in a place with beautiful but varied weather conditions or in a beautiful, never ending library with no natural light which would I choose. In the end I think I would choose to live outdoors because I can tell myself stories but nothing can imitate the sun. Now if I could meld the two places together that would be paradise.

The one in which I laugh at the misfortune of others

2008-10-07T14:01:00.005-05:00

Fria Chica has been trying to answer the question, "is the man I'm living with back on drugs?", for the last few months. Today she found the answer, heroin, in a sock drawer. One of the quirky clues was that their spoons were disappearing. The money disappearing he explained by loss or theft, but who loses or steals spoons? The spoons were also in the drawer. Today, after I tie up a few loose ends, I am driving to Oklahoma City to pick her and baby up. Since I have had the luxury of being an observer, who needs no concrete proof, I have known the answer to the question since she started asking it. Therefore I am so happy she has decided to come home. I am also selfishly excited because I love having my sister near me; O.K. City was just too far away. Once again I will have somebody to discuss books, watch Elizabethan age movies, and drink white wine with.

On another note, I had something happen to me yesterday that I took way too much pleasure in. A nice person should not be so happy at getting to ruin somebody's day. I have mentioned before that I didn't like my last boss. Over the last few weeks she has been removed from her position because she didn't do several of the required parts of her job. Of course I knew she wasn't doing them. When I worked under her I did a lot of them. I bitched the whole time, but I did them. Instead of being grateful she blamed any mistakes she made on me, and not to my face, she said horrible things about me whenever somebody complained about the office. She was the main reason I transferred out of the office. The person she hired to replace me didn't clean up after her and try to keep things going, she turned her in.
Now my former boss has moved out of town and is job hunting. While I have been following the story with interest, it alone has not given me delight. Yesterday I received a call from a lady trying to hire a receptionist. She had called the listed sources and came up empty. Trying to find out about this person character she took a shot and called someone she knew from our town. That person gave her my name and number. Even with my bad feelings I felt bad about giving a negative reference. I almost just gave a lame 'she'll probably do okay', but I checked myself. If I did this somebody else would be stuck working with her. This lady told me about it being a small office and the importance of finding the right person. She seemed like a very nice, earnest person. So I gave an honest opinion. I didn't rant or go on. I just let her know what working with this applicant would be like. Then I hung up the phone and laughed my maniacal laugh. These are the moments that evil daydreams are made of;rarely are they realized.

The MRI

2008-10-01T12:42:00.005-05:00

Monday was Mon's birthday. Since Lane had a ballgame and she had to cheer we postponed the cake until last night. I baked a red velvet and a pineapple upside down cake. Our family has grown to large for just one cake. I then stayed up way to late watching videos on you tube, and reading. Bella came over this morning, but luckily she slept late with me. Miss Universe has to work today so we, Bella and I, are going to pick Mon up and take her to a doctors appointment. Speaking of doctors.
When Miss Universe went to the hospital a couple of weeks ago they diagnosed her as having had another stroke. She is only 33 so they began looking for the cause of these strokes. We went to Garden City last week for her MRI, did some shopping, and ate at a really good Mexican restaurant. The results of her test showed that she hasn't had any strokes. She has Multiple Sclerosis. I'm sure people aren't usually cheered up by this diagnosis, but we were. This future seems brighter than a future filled with several small strokes while waiting for the big one to hit. I have friends with family members in that position and it is a hard life. Our family mood has brightened. Last night she brought over the disc with her test on it we gathered around to looked at it.Since none of us now how to read an MRI we just laughed at how alien a brain filled skull can look from different angles. We are easily entertained.

Lazy day

2008-09-28T03:10:00.000-05:00

I have the warm comfortable feeling that a couple of glasses of wine after a long, lazy day can offer. I was leaving work this morning and heading out of Elk when I remembered something that Jason had mentioned the day before. He had been craving pizza. Being in a good mood I decided to pull into Pizza Hut and grab him a pizza for lunch. It was going to be fifteen minutes so I walked out to the pick-up for a book. As I was opening the door I looked over at the golf course and realized what I really wanted to do was to go for a walk.
I've not been on many courses, but I have to say I have always thought this one was lovely. The sunshine was warm but there was still a cool morning breeze blowing. The butterflies and moths, of so many different colors, were fluttering around in what I am going to describe as a mating dance even though I have no idea if they mate at this time of the year. I steered clear of the few golfers that were out. Tramping through the rough I studiously watched for rattlesnakes and stirred up more than a few flights of birds. Often I think that golf courses are wasted on golfers. How can you get stressed about hitting a ball with all of this beauty around you? Someday I think I may take up golf, but never seriously. The only games I take seriously are tetris and minesweeper.
I didn't follow any paths, but made my way to the pond. At some spots the water was clear and I could see the moss waving in the currents and small fish darting about. In other parts the pond scum blocked my view but held a green, foamy beauty of its own. The fish were jumping enough to provide me with just the right amount of company. After I had circled the pond I figured it surely had been fifteen minutes so I walked back towards the pizza.

Miss Universe brought Bella over right after I got home. She was heading to work. Bella took a nap, so I took one too. after that I started three different movies but I just couldn't commit to any of them. I decided to watch the presidential debates instead. (recorded) After that I was getting restless so I went in and started cleaning the kitchen;it needed it. Bella decided she wanted me to jump on the trampoline with her. Well the dishes hadn't been more important than laying around all day so they could wait longer. After jumping until dark I did finally do a bit of cleaning.

Bella and I then went to Anna's for a glass of wine. We hadn't been there very long when Anna started an ear candle in her husband's ear. This scared Bella and she wanted to go home. She had tears in her eyes and kept whispering,'i want to go home.' I read her a book to distract her until the candle was finished and we stayed for another hour or two. We talked about movies, actors, and tv shows. It was very relaxing. We should probably go to bed now but, these types of days should last as long as possible.

2008-09-19T12:36:00.000-05:00

I have been working as a trainer in our local office for the last two days. It is nice to be able to walk to work again and to come home on my lunch hour. Using my lunch hour to do dishes and run errands is not the same as reading, but shit is getting done.
Yet Lee is irritated with me because I keep forgetting to transfer money so he can buy clothing online. A bit naively I at one time thought that by having boys I would save time and money on clothing. Then the world shifted. Boys now spend as much time thinking about outfits as girls do. They buy expensive clothes, pick out belts, and own more shoes than I do. I remember back to when I rebelled against society by dressing much like a boy. I picked up Levis off of the floor pulled them on, covered my torso in a simple wrinkled t-shirt, then shoved on a denim jacket. Now I wouldn't have the time or energy to dress like a boy;it is much easier to just wear a sundress.

My dinner party went very well. The chicken was delicious. The recipe was simple mix mayo with apricot jam, add seasoning, marinate and bake. I baked a chocolate cake and covered it with a thin layer of Nutella;it was the perfect end to our meal. We drank a Blackstone Merlot and a Blackstone Pinot noir while we laughed over a bit of everything. It was lovely.

The last few days

2008-09-16T14:14:00.001-05:00

A diagonal line will never be as attractive as it is on my work schedule. A diagonal line through a day denotes a day off. Today is a diagonal line. Last night I stayed up late again reading so I slept until 10:00 this morning. That is a lovely feeling. My body has told me many times over the years that the ideal time to sleep is from 2:00 to 10:00 in the a.m. If I had my way I would never argue with that logic.

The book I finished last night was The Time Traveler's Wife. It is the best fiction book I have read this year. After I finished reading the story I went ahead and answered all of the book club questions in the back before putting it down. Still not able to put the story away I went out and watched part of a hooters beauty pageant with dh just so I could find somebody to talk to about it. He was kind enough to feign interest while I talked as long as he didn't have to turn the channel. Then I took a few minutes to point which breasts I thought were real before going to bed.

Full of domestic energy today I have already seared a roast, de-glazed the pan with a Merlot, added it all to the crock pot with potatoes, onions, and carrots, made a pie crust, and invited Anna and her family over for supper tomorrow night. The roast and apple pie are for supper tonight. My mom gave me a large bag of apples and promised to buy the vanilla ice cream if I bake the pie. Tomorrow I am going to try out a chicken recipe, which I found at chicklit, and serve it with french bread and couscous.

Saturday night my neighbors through a party and didn't invite us. They are new to town and just invited the few friends who moved from Missouri with them and a mutual friend of ours. He was supposed to invite as many people as he could to make a party of it. Anna asked if I had been invited. She wasn't invited either so we joked about calling the police about the noise. We carried our beers to the computer and started watching Eddie Izzard on youtube. Some friends of ours came over and insisted we go to the party. She went right over while I went home and cooked supper for my family. Side note: if you are going to chop garlic and onion after a few beers be careful. Later dh and I went over and made joke about not being invited. It was a good night. I wound up in bed at four in the morning. Luckily my family never complains when the family breakfast doesn't start until noon.

Miss Universe

2008-09-11T12:10:00.000-05:00

Miss Universe had a very tiny stroke yesterday. She is in the hospital while the doctors try to find out the cause of this stroke which happens to be the second tiny one she has had this year. It hit home that I have been taking the election a little too seriously the last few weeks. I was angry for people who appear to be deciding their candidate based on personality, race, or gender. Watching the news yesterday evening I was beginning to feel downright depressed by the people I was listening to. Could Clinton backers really switch to the McCain/Palin ticket just because she is female, or even worse, because they are angry? As a country we need to free ourselves from the bone crushing grip the fundies have on us. If not the freedoms we have enjoyed could become a permanent idea of the past. We really need to pull together not bicker over things that we can work out later. I was thinking thoughts like these when the phone rang. Actually I had just thought that I would never encourage anyone to go to another church again, not while pseudo Christians were preying on vulnerabilities of others to get votes, when the phone rang.
It was Rolando asking if I could watch his kids for the night while he stayed with Miss Universe at the hospital. This was real. This was the fear and anger that I had been faking earlier. The whole country could come crashing down and as long as I had my family safe and healthy around me things would be o.k. I hung up the phone and said a prayer for my sister. In the middle of the prayer I wondered if I should now apologize for my earlier thought. Afterwards I decided that my thought was still valid since it is organized religion that I despise, not God himself.
Miss Universe has not been herself lately. Instead of jumping up and down, being loud and boisterous, she has seemed tired and unwell. She is the girl who will walk into a room and randomly start dancing a jig while dressed in scrubs just because she knows we will laugh. She is a 'How the hell are you? Have a beer.' kind of girl. She is the warm, funny, loud kind of sister that balances out my cold heart. I love her so much and can't stand the thought of her being sick.

My head almost exploded

2008-09-10T13:12:00.000-05:00

My patience was put to the test at work today. First let me give a bit of background. I work with two conservative ladies. One who is not so much of a conservative herself but she listens to a lot of them. Earlier this year she made a comment about the Clinton's spending government money. I responded calmly that they were probably no worse than any other politicians. The next day I was greeted by a printed e-mail explaining that the Clinton's were evil personified. That night it took about five minutes on the Internet to debunk every charge in the paper. I was then left with the choice of letting it go and having a bit of peace at work or being right. I chose peace. I wasn't at work yesterday so I missed her telling everybody that Palin's baby really belonged to her daughter. When she goes against code like this I smile. This is the reason I don't think she is strictly a conservative she just believes everything she hears.
My boss on the other hand is ultra-conservative. Unless it would mean criticizing somebody she likes. Having babies out of wedlock is horrible, unless you are somebody she likes. Divorce is bad unless you are her daughter, then it was necessary. She is not a bad person, it is just that her mind has a tight spring that keeps it from opening. If she likes you she will bend over backwards for you. She has always been extremely nice to me. If you make her mad though she will spend an amazing amount of energy trying to prove her point. Once you have made that mistake it is almost impossible to do anything right in her eyes, you have left yourself open to be killed by nitpicking. Still her anger has a very passive-aggressive feel. She will be polite to your face and then attack when you back is turned. The girl who I replaced had her hours severly cut, while nothing was said to her face.
I don't say all of this just to trash her but to explain why I keep my mouth shut when politics come up at work. It is a survival skill.
This morning she mentioned that Palin is on several magazine covers and they need to leave the poor lady alone. I didn't point out how many of the covers she seemed to have posed for, or the fact that she is auditioning to be next inline to the presidency. I left the bait untouched. She then told me about the swat team they have released into Alaska to find something to hold against her. I was afraid my silence would be noticed so I did respond that both sides did that. "It hasn't ever been this bad." She said with authority. "They went a little crazy against Clinton." I pointed out. To lighten the mood I made a joke about them finding something under the podium. "Well we don't seem to have to look as hard or make things up against the other side." She said. I tried to keep my face even as headlines about Rev. Wright or Barrack being a Muslim flashed through my head. She then added, "That's what Rush says." My mind was to busy trying to list all of the things wrong with this statement to hear the rest of what she said.
First of all 'Rush'! She said it casually as if they had just had lunch together the day before. He really should never be called by name unless you used only his last name and filled your voice with as much scorn as it could hold. I knew I could not mention my rule to her. It is simple once you mention or quote {scorn/]Limbaugh[/scorn] everything you say is written off, as you have just proven yourself as clueless and lazy. This is the lady who makes my schedule and decides if I can take off for my children's ballgames and award ceremonies. So I tried and tried to pull the voice of Russell into my head. 'I know the U.S. to be a' Then I would lose it. I tried again and again to pull the quote up, but the ignorance surrounding me bogged it down. Finally I did manage to hear "In England we wouldn't trust George W. Bush with a pair of scissors." At first it was faint then it repeated louder, and then again louder. It did save me. My head did not explode.

Thank you MTV

2008-09-09T12:16:00.000-05:00

I rarely watch awards shows, tuning in only when I am in love with the host. By these guidelines I had to watch the VMA's. While Russell was not on his very best form I still laughed like Palin at a book burning. It was disappointing to see how few of the audience members got him, but not all of these are our best and brightest. In the aftermath I am finding the double standard irritating. Nobody got mad because he made fun of Madonna's sexuality, but make fun of purity and that is horrible. If you want to be famous your choices will be the fodder for comedians,that is a given. Why is purity and denial a more noble choice than embracing your sexual nature? Both are decisions and we should be teased for them equally.
Looking back I should have just watched the recording the next day. That way I could have fast forwarded any part that didn't have Russell Brand or Pink in them. Thankfully I didn't have the advantage of hindsight. Dh was watching throwball on our tv that night, so Lee called Miss Universe to see if he could watch the awards with them and I decided to go along. Unfortunately M.U. got called in to work so it was Ronaldo and his kids and me and Lee. We still had a great time making fun of everybody who took the stage. There was an interesting split in the group because Lee and I love R.B. and Rolando and his kids hadn't really heard of him. A few minutes into the show Rolando mentioned that this guy looked a lot like the guy in Forgetting Sarah Marshal. Not having heard of him didn't seem to hurt their enjoyment. They still laughed at his jokes, but were a little shocked by his forwardness.
It was a fun night. The hidden gift for me, which I will always be grateful to Russell for, was realized the next day at work. I had to hear the usual round of stupid political comments that were stolen straight from conservative talk shows. For once instead of a steady feeling of disgust rising in my body I felt the giggles coming on. In my head I heard a voice say "But I know America to be a forward-thinking country because otherwise why would you have let that retard and cowboy fella be President for eight years?" I hope this voice helps me through the next 56 days, because I'm going to need it.

2008-08-28T12:57:00.000-05:00

My boss has been on vacation so days off have been nonexistent. I was supposed to work today but Tiki needed tomorrow off and offered a trade, so now my day off coincides with my birthday. My body decided that today would be a nice day to troll for vampires. How is that for a busy day? The nice thing about the school year is that when I have a day off I get the house to myself, except for Bella who needed a sitter today. I had a list of things I was going to get done on my next day off, but so far I've not done a thing. Bella slept until ten so I drank several cups of tea and read an issue of RollingStone cover to cover. Well of course I skipped the Tony Stewart article;he is a classic douche nozzle.
I caught up on this week's Daily Show episodes while eating more than one piece of tiramisu. The cake was my birthday present to myself. I made it last night and opened it a day early. Luckily I had made an extremely large cake so there was plenty left for today.
The other day I saw something that just cracked me up. Somebody mailed a small package to a person in Elk. They had wrote on the outside of the package that a dvd was enclosed that was rated R for nudity and violence. The p.s. read "However, I am mailing this into God's country so it may not make it."
Since school started I haven't really seen much of Jason or Lane. They have football practice, friends, homework, and girls to keep them away from me. Lee and I are usually alone for an hour or two every weeknight. Some nights we cook supper together. Tuesday night he made some fantastic fried onion and ham sandwiches while I made a red wine and asiago risotto. It was great and he is really comfortable to be in the kitchen with. I am starting to dread the day he decides to grow up and move out.

Summer

2008-08-12T09:32:00.001-05:00

I have spent a good portion of the the summer traveling. Not to exotic places, just been putting on miles in the Midwest. At the end of June I agreed to be the responsible adult who took three kids to the Warped Tour in Denver. That was a fun trip. Jason, Lee, their friend Kip, and I set off at ten-thirty Saturday morning. I had to work at least a few hours on Saturday. We laughed all the way to Denver. I am trying to think of some of the things that were so funny, but for one reason or another none of them would be good things to write here. At one point we devised a contest in which the winner would be the one who caused the most emo kids to commit suicide that weekend. How can I write that and admit we were so irreverent? Many times Jason would say that he had to go to the bathroom and ask if Kip would like to come help. Kip would always jump up and agree to follow him to the bathroom. I write this I have to put it into context and explain that Kip is openly gay;something that would have been unheard of in our small Midwest high when I was attending. Jason is the epitome of the high school jock. Yet the two of them are great friends. Lee fits somewhere in the middle of these two. Kip has dedicated the song 'Your So Gay' to Lee. The two of them took a college class this summer under a teacher who was a fundamentalist. She knew that one of the two boys was gay but was never sure which one. Kip said that he hoped she would declare that it was Lee so he could jump up and say "Ha! I fooled you!" I asked Lee if the fact that she wasn't sure bothered him at all. He stood there in his skinny jeans and tight tee and said "no" in a tone that made it clear that it had never occurred to him to take it as a negative.
It took us an hour to find our hotel room because 18th street in Denver is place out of Harry Potter and it kept disappearing. We walked the 16th street mall That afternoon. Then we went and ate at one of the best Indian restaurants. Later when Lee wakes up I will ask him the name. He is the one who did the research and picked out which Indian restaurant we would eat at. It was never any question about the type of food. We don't live near any Indian restaurants so we try to force everyone to try one when we get out of town. Kip said the only ethnic food they eat at home is Americanized enchiladas and admitted to being a picky eater. We made him go anyway. I think he liked it. He didn't complain. At midnight we walked the mall again, well three of us did, Lee stayed in the room and went to bed. There are not many things more entertaining than drunks spilling out of bars and causing fights, unless it is drunken ladies staggering around on high heels.
Early the next morning we went to stand in line. If you are a band that is just starting out and need to sell a few cd's find Lee. He won't say no. I lost count of how many he bought. I walked all over the neighborhood trying to find sunblock. It was too early on a Sunday morning for the stores to open. So I walked back and stood in line. Then at ten-thirty I went back. I couldn't find a store that sold any, which I thought was very odd. So I walked back. We were one of the first people to get in so I quickly bought some at a booth. The tour itself was fun, but I enjoyed just roaming the city better. My biggest suggestion to this type of a tour is a venue with more grass and shade. Lee was in his element. He met the members of his favorite bands, got to experience a pit, and meet countless liberal women. I only mention the last part because that is one of his complaints about the area we live in;he is surrounded by conservatives.

A few days before the Denver trip we made a trip to Wichita to pick up my girls. They spent the month of July with us. I kept planning on taking them on a little vacation either to the volcano in New Mexico or to Bishop's Castle in Colorado, but we never did have time to go. Lane's all star team made it to state so we went to Columbus Ks. instead. One night we did drive into Joplin to eat, so they at least made it out of the state. Princess, while being very princess like in some ways, is not a dainty girl. She insisted on fighting the whole time we were gone. More than one boy got the crap kicked out of him by a girl that weekend.

At the start of August we had to take them home. Miss Universe decided she wanted to go also so we loaded up all of the kids but Jason and went shopping. We did most of our school clothes shopping while we were there. I hate shopping for clothes and was glad to have that out of the way. Lane's phone fell in slushy while we were driving. I swear these kids cost me way too much money. We did make one stop I was happy with. We went to get ice cream. I love Stone Cold Creamery. My usual choice is peanut butter blended with Mocha and pecans mixed in. It didn't disappoint. While we were eating it Lee and I walked over to the tea shop and picked up some loose leaf tea.

Last weekend Jason went to Amarillo with Miss Universe to do his shopping. I was glad to not have to go on another shopping trip.

personality test

2008-07-22T10:10:00.000-05:00

I always hate taking these things because usually both answers seem right. I feel I can be two different people depending on my mood. This makes me shocked when I agree with the profile at the end of the test. I always wonder if I would equally agree if the opposite profile would have been given.

Me complaining

2008-07-22T09:29:00.000-05:00

Over the years The fourth of July has become a reflective holiday for me. I have always loved to sit and watch the fireworks and let my mind wander. It used to be a sort of happy introspection. For the last several years it has been a melancholy introspection.
For the most part my life is great. I love being me. My marriage though has not been all that great for years now. The fourth of July has become the time for me to reflect on weather my general happiness has been affected enough tip the scales. This year I am beginning to see a drop.
What I am weighing is the amount of dissatisfaction I have, against my need to raise my boys in the manner they have become accustom. I grew up in a poor and unstable environment. Like every parent I want my children to have more than I did. For the most part we live below our means. We don't have a fancy house or car. I don't spend much on clothing for myself. I just want them to get up every morning and not wonder who is still a part of their household. I want for them to never go to bed wondering how much longer they will have a roof over their head and food on the table. I want to be able to help them pay for college. At one point I thought that my new job would pay enough to accomplish this. This last month my hours have been cut so much I'm not really sure this is possible. So for one more year I have pushed the scales back to even.
Since I am using this space to complain today I will also mention that even though my hours have been cut it has been giving me no more time to spend at home. My lunches have went from one to three hours. If I worked closer to home I would love this arrangement. It just seems like a waste of time and gas to drive 17 miles home and back, so I hang out in Elk for my long lunches.
I will end my pity party here.

We the people are screwed

2008-07-05T09:01:00.000-05:00

"New Forest Service rules could let largest private landowner to convert hundreds of thousands of acres of mountain forestland to residential subdivisions."

Are we going to overturn every good thing our country has done in its short history? The Bush Ad. is sure going to give it a try.

"the Bush administration is preparing to ease the way for the nation's largest private landowner to convert hundreds of thousands of acres of mountain forestland to residential subdivisions."

I really thought we were trying to curb urban sprawl. My contempt for the U.S. government and large corporations is spreading to a few private citizens also.

"The former timber lobbyist who oversees the U.S. Forest Service" This phrase sums up so much of what is wrong with our country. I wonder how many of our politicians are making money off of this deal? Our grandchildren may never see this land as it should be. The bear and other forest dwellers may never have grandchildren. I hope all of the douche bags who profited enjoy spending the cash.

weekends are hard work

2008-05-20T11:30:00.000-05:00

Graduation weekend kicked my ass. Friday night I cooked mass proportions of Potato salad, challah bread, and baked beans. The challah doesn't have any religious significance to my family it is just one of the most delicious breads I've ever tasted. After work on Saturday I picked up a few things we still needed;beer included since dh and friends started cooking the meat at eight in the morning and had already worked their way through most of our stock. I baked cookies for the eighth grade dance, made iced tea, and then went out to enjoy the food and company. Jason graduated from eighth grade so we were having a bbq for all of his classmates and their families. Luckily he only has ten kids in his class. At graduation that night he gave the valedictorian speech. He was noticeably nervous. Afterwards he told me his mouth went dry and he kept tripping over his tongue. Despite all of that he did a great job and I was a proud parent.
Once it was all over with we went home and sat around our yard with several of our friends until three in the morning. We drank and ate as much of the leftovers as we could manage. Tiki and son drove over and went to graduation with us. On Monday at work she said she doesn't think she has ever laughed so hard in her life. We are a silly group when we all get together. Around two people started peeling away to call it a night. Lee and Jason came out and sat with Fria Chica, her bf Matt, Tiki, and me until it just got too cold to stay outside any longer.
Sunday I woke up early, but knew better than to get out of bed. I made myself go back to sleep and slept until one in the afternoon. I made it out of bed in time to watch an episode of Robin Hood with my family. Then it was time to get dressed for the high school graduation ceremony. I would have loved to skip this, but I didn't think it would be very nice. I am on the school board and two of my good friends had daughters who were graduating. It was a nice ceremony. They had made a few changes that cut at least an hour, which is great. Afterwards we had to make our rounds to all of the receptions and parties for the graduates. The last one we went to was next door. My last boss's ex-husband was there and drunk. He followed me around,believe me I was trying to shake him, and told me about the problems he had been having both pre- and post divorce. While I agree his ex is a bitch I just wasn't mood to talk about it all night. Finally I just came home and went to bed.
My biggest regret is that I was at graduation when Fria chica and pookie moved to O.k. city so I didn't get to say good-bye. I miss them both already. Who is going to clean my house now that she is gone? Most certainly not me.
For the third year in a row I refused to sit on the stage with the rest of the school board. I also could have handed Jason his diploma. Lee and I opted out of this perk two years ago and this year Jason and I opted out too. I have other members tell me this is their favorite part of being on the board. That is great for them but I have no desire to do that. I am perfectly happy sitting in the crowd with my family and cheering instead of sitting business like on the stage. I also can't imagine watching my boys give a speech from behind. I want to see their faces.
By Monday I was so tired I yawned most of the day. I couldn't wait to get home and have a nap. Of course the nap never happened. By the time I finished watering the garden and doing laundry it was almost bed time. Since today is just a field trip day and dh was at a softball game we decided to brew a pot of blueberry rooibos and watch No Country For Old Men. After that movie I had a bit of trouble getting to sleep.
Lee has learned my weakness and has been exploiting it lately. Thursday was awards night for the high school. I had babysat Bella and Pookie in the morning and went to the grade school awards ceremony and jr. high ceremony before rushing to work for a couple of hours. By that evening I was tired and wanted to relax, but was all set to go. We had time to watch a movie before we left. After it was over Lee started working on me. He thought it would be nice if we brewed a pot of tea and watched Darjeeling limited instead of going to awards night. I needed to go as a board member. He needed to be there to accept his awards. These were my arguments. I was adamant. I really enjoyed Darjeeling Limited and recommend the movie to others. I feel a little bit guilty about not going, but I'll get over it.

Don't explain your jokes

2008-05-14T10:02:00.000-05:00

Part of my Christmas present from dh and the boys was a few books. Since I have a large to-be-read stack I didn't get to them right away. I'm going to pause here to say that as I was typing that last sentence my fingers hit something sharp and odd feeling. I looked down and noticed the keyboard was littered with Lee's fingernail clippings. Disgusting. Back to the post. Last month I read one of the books they had given me. It was Three Cups Of Tea, which I loved. The other night I was in the mood to lay in bed for a few hours and fall into a good story. One of the other books they had given me was The Sign Of The Cross.
I was a little worried when one of the blurbs said something like 'The Da Vinci Code on steroids'. I did read The Da Vinci Code. The writing wasn't excellent but the story was engaging and the characters were good. The movie was better. Since I am not a book snob I will read almost any genre and can find good points in most books. So I shrugged and started the book. The story is compelling and the characters, while stereotypical, are developed. The writing kept jerking me out of the story though and that is one thing that drives me crazy. Kuzneski started sentences with anyway enough to remind me that he was telling me a story. Then he kept explaining his jokes. If you have to explain a joke you didn't do a good job of telling it, or you don't trust your audience to be intelligent enough to get it. For instance, at one point they are in a crypt and when asked what she sees a girl responds 'I see dead people'. I laughed. In the next sentence the author points out that this is a reference to The Sixth Sense. I cringed.
The next day I wast talking to Fria Chica about the book. I couldn't figure out how the same people who picked out Three Cups of Tea had picked out this book. Later when Lee noticed the book beside my bed he pointed at it and said. "Dad picked out that book. I picked out Three Cups Of Tea, which did you like best?." Mystery solved.

Why did I wait so long?

2008-05-02T10:46:00.000-05:00

Last night I was drinking a glass of merlot from the Blackstone winery. I have been looking for a red wine I liked well enough to drink a glass of every night. Finally I have found it. It is just what I have been looking for. It had a strong amount of tannins so I insisted Lee have a taste so he could understand exactly what tannin was. He agreed it was a very good wine. After he had shut off the x-box and left my room I remembered one of my favorite conversations from our trip. I wasn't even there for it, but Godiva told me about it later. While we were at the water park Godiva and Raul took Lee and their two little girls to a Lobster feast. While they were ordering Lee was helping them decide what to drink. Their waiter asked how old Lee was and was shocked to hear that he was only 16. He said he was impressed with his knowledge of wines and said Lee was going to be a hit with the women. What makes me laugh about that story is that I have an extremely limited amount of wine knowledge. I am trying to learn, and am looking for a good tutor if there are any volunteers, but there is so much that I still don't understand. Lee has better palate than I do so I shouldn't be surprised. He will pass me soon in both wine and food, of course passing me is setting the bar very low.
While I was drinking the wine I was reading Good Omens. This is one of those books that I put down after I finished it and said out loud(this habit is one, not the only one, that makes people think I'm more than a little crazy) "Why haven't I read this before?" Good Omens is a book that has been on my to-read list for years. How could it not be since I loved American Gods, and every Discworld book I have read. I just haven't gotten around to it until now. It was published around the same time I hit my getting married-having children-running a daycare-phase started. Subsequently I quit having much time to read. Adult books were traded for magazines and children's books. When I did start reading whole books again the list had grown so long and varied that I will never read every book that I know I will just love if I ever get to it. I am glad I finally read Good Omens. If you haven't turn off your computer and run find a copy, you won't like the secrets Agnes Nutter will reveal about you if you don't.

Prom

2008-04-13T11:51:00.000-05:00

Every year we get invited to the prom banquet, one of the school board perks, and every year we go for the free food. Some years I really try to dress nice;bit of a chore for a slob like me. This year it fell on the same night as Lane's party. Since I still had to decorate Lane's cake, make supper for the boys and Fria Chica and her boyfriend, who were supervising the party while we were out, trim and straighten Lee's hair, iron Lee's shirt, apply his eyeliner, and dress myself when I got off work at 2:00p.m. I did a poor job of dressing this year. Walking in to the banquet I thought I would feel shabby next to all of the people who had spent the day grooming themselves. I didn't feel that way at all, I felt very comfortable and relaxed. It was nice to have somebody serve me after all of the running I had done all day. It was a nice evening. Afterwards we came home and played cards with Fria chica and her man, who I may have think of a blog name for eventually. I'll wait for now, because we all know how unpredictable mating can be.
Lee is a sophomore so he was serving this year. Thankfully, for him, he didn't serve our table though. A girl in his class, who we have known for most of her life, served us. Dh kept remarking on her her hair and make-up. She has always been a tomboy. She played rec. football two of the years that dh coached. He couldn't believe she was the same girl. Sometimes I believe the complexities of girls amaze men. I was just amazed that all of these kids, who used to have water fights in my front yard, looked so grown up. I sound like a broken record because I say at least twice a day that I just can't believe my babies are all growing up so fast.

Rock band party

2008-04-13T11:18:00.000-05:00

In my house the most peaceful time of the year is the morning after Lane's sleepover. The house has the same calm that I imagine a small island does the morning after a hurricane. As I carried my mug of tea around the house collecting cups of pop, apparently the allure of pop is in the pouring not the drinking, I smile quietly at the boys sleeping on the sofa. Some are only half on the sofa, their legs are hanging over the edge, feet touching the floor. Some are still sitting up, their open mouths dripping drool onto their shirts. One boy still has a drumstick in his hand.
Last month, for his birthday, I gave Jason Rockband. Lane is so happy with this new addition that he couldn't think of a thing he wants for his birthday. His cake was a life size replica of the drums and guitar. They rocked all night long. At five-thirty this morning I could still hear the tapping of the drums in my room. Like true rock stars they had all crashed by eight-thirty, which is when I got out of bed.
Video games have never had much appeal for me. I grew up in the eighties, hanging out in game rooms and bowling alleys like everyone else. I just was never any good at them. Standing in line with my quarter, watching somebody play one game of Mario brothers for what seemed like hours, until my turn would come and go withing five minutes. It seemed like a waste of a quarter to me. Later as people started getting Nintendos in their homes I sometimes would outlast the other kids and practice all night at getting through the first three levels while they slept. Still I never was good at them. As an adult several different gaming systems have came and went through my house. I like to sit and watch the boys play some of the games. I can watch hours of Prince of Persia. some I have played a bit, Columns and Tetris are the ones I've like best, but I never have spent much time playing. Now with Rockband, I still suck, but here is a game I enjoy playing badly. It still isn't something I do when alone, but if one or two of my sisters comes over we neglect their young ones and play.

Vacation

2008-04-09T09:28:00.000-05:00

I can't believe I went all of March without posting. The week before I went on vacation all I did was work. My boss's daughter was in the hospital so I worked for her while she took time off. To fulfill an unwritten rule of the universe things just seemed to keep popping up that had to be dealt with before we left.
Leading up to our trip I was a bit apprehensive about the whole thing. There were several factors contributing to my fear. They were destination, travel partners, and crowds. We had decided to go to Orlando. The only reason I had agreed to vacation there was because I had promised Curly Top I would take her to Disney world. Before I made any definite plans I called Drama Queen twice to make sure the girls would be able to go. Since she didn't see any problems I went ahead and paid for 1/3 of the house. Then when it was time to buy airline tickets she decided she didn't want to go and that she didn't want the girls to be that far away from her. I hung up the phone and cursed for at least five minutes straight. We were all angry, but there wasn't anything we could do, so we just got over it.
I am not trying to dis Florida, it is just that Orlando seems to be totally geared towards theme parks and shopping. Those are two things I tire of quickly. There are many places in Florida I would like to go spend a week at, Orlando just wasn't one of them. When I was seventeen we took our senior trip to Orlando. The only two things that screamed 'come back' to me were the beach and Typhoon Lagoon. I would have much rather stayed closer to the ocean and drove in one day for the water park.
Our group consisted of three families. Miss Universe (my sister), her husband Rolando and their three children, Mon(12), Eddie(10), and Bella(2.5 who used to be known as Huggy Bear, but since she is growing older she deserves a proper name) were one family. Godiva and her husband Raul, who is Rolando's brother, and their three girls who are 7,3,&2 years old were next. Then there was myself, dh, and our three boys, Lee(16), Jason(14), and Lane (12). If you happened to be in a airport last month and noticed a loud, but cheerful, mid western group that seem to be collecting children, that was us.
We have traveled with Miss Universe and Rolando several times over the years. They have dated since they were Sophomores in High school, which was my senior year, so Rolando really is part of the family. Of all of our travel partners they are my favorite. Sure sometimes their kids get on my nerves,as I'm sure mine do hers, but that is part of being a family. We have more fun with them than we do anyone else. A big part of that is the amount of years we have spent together. One word can send us all into giggles because we were all there when so many funny stories were taking place, before they became family legend. I was looking forward to spending time with them.
Godiva I have mentioned before. She has some glaring quirks that make her a hard person to be friends with. This is not just my observation, she really has managed to make people in two counties want to avoid her. I have never been timid about befriending her though. One because we are almost family, so I better at least try, and two because I know my limits. Even under the best of circumstances I tire of people. When traveling with just my immediate family I know that after a few days I will need some time alone. Because of this personality flaw of my own I know better than to get sucked into spending all of my time with one person, making their life integral with mine. Godiva is the type that sucks her friends in to her life spending more hours a day with them than apart. She does that until she has sucked all of the energy from them and they are no longer strong enough to be her friends. I know that sounds harsh, but I swear it is no exaggeration. The thought of spending over a week straight with her had me a bit nervous.
Her children, I do love and enjoy being around, it is just a lot of work to have kids that little to care for. I was afraid thought that either Lee, or Jason, or I would be stuck babysitting. That was one thing we did not want to do on our vacation. Godiva's parenting skills can be described as lax. Her mother ran into me while we were Christmas shopping one day and mentioned that she and her husband were worried that the house we were renting had a pool. They were both concerned that Godiva didn't watch the girls close enough to be around a pool 24 hours a day. They were glad I was going to be there to help. Inside my head I screamed. This was supposed to be a vacation.
The last worry I had was the amount of theme parks everybody wanted to go to. Standing in line for hours, and trying not to lose anyone in the crowds did not have the promise of fun to me.
The last worry had the easiest solution. The five of us sat down and discussed what we really wanted to get out of this vacation. Lane wanted to ride roller coasters. We picked Universal and U.I.A. for that. We did want to go see Epcot. We all agreed on a water park, so Typhoon Lagoon was in. So while the rest of the group went to go to the other four parks we found different things to do. We went deep sea fishing. Where I had the opportunity to throw up in the Atlantic ocean. Since none of my children inherited my loathe of shopping we went to few outlet malls. We found an Indian restaurant to eat in, where dh finally admitted that he did like Indian food. Our waiter was great and helped him to choose something he would like.
This previous solution was also a solution to the Godiva problem. Since we didn't do all of the parks that they did most days we only spent the mornings and evenings together. It was the perfect mix, I really enjoyed her and her children when we were together. With so many people around the house it didn't feel like we were watching her kids too much. We did get them food now and again, and we kept them out of the pool, but it never seemed like too much.
As far as the destination went I enjoyed Orlando. It still seems like the most commercial place I have ever been. I tired of all of the gift stores, traffic, and every tourist gimmick known, but we had fun. We went to the beach one day, all fifteen of us together, and it was voted by all to be the favorite day. The day we went fishing gave us something unclaimed to look at. The ocean was restful to our eyes after all of the billboards and flashing light. By the last day, which is the day we went to Typhoon Lagoon, we were tired of theme parks. Lee chose not to go and went shopping with Godiva instead. We gave his ticket to Godiva's seven year old and took her with us. She got to ride water rides, which for her was better than shopping, and Lee came home with henna tattoos and a story about how a tiny old lady tried to sell him Salvia at the flea market.
Dh was wore out by the last day. he had not heeded my warning about taking up walking the month before we went. He was out of shape, and had sunburned the top of his feet at the beach. After having walked on them for for a full day at Epcot, the day after he had burned them, he just wanted to sit down. I found him a chair in the shade, bought him a refillable mug for pop, and left him reading his book. He moved only once that day to go to the restroom, and he tried to get me to find a way to do that for him too. If you knew dh you would be shocked by the fact that he was reading a book. It was only the third book he has read in his adult life. He is more of a t.v. and newspaper guy. We had found a super cheap book store the day we were shopping though so we had loaded up and never wanting to be left out he bought a book too. We paired the kids up and told them to go ride the rides. I spent time with Miss Universe watching Bella and reading, floating along the canal, and swimming in the wave pool. It was a relaxing day, even though it was crowded.
None of my fears came to pass. Our vacation was great. I found much of my time among the crowds picking out accents and trying to place them, I then eavesdropped to find out if I was right or not. I didn't tire of anybody on the trip, Some of them may have tired of me, but that is for them to write about.

Wine, food, and Jane Austin

2008-02-28T08:29:00.000-06:00

On my way home from work yesterday I stopped by the deli and picked up some black forest ham and a couple of different cheeses. On Monday I had baked some Sally Lunn bread and had a loaf left over. The sweet flavor of the bread was screaming to be made into a ham sandwich. It had its way. Fria Chica came over and we called our mom to pick up a couple of bottles of my favorite white wine on her way home from work. By the time the six hour Pride and Prejudice was over we had finished off the food and wine. My mom had left after hour four and only a couple of glasses; she had to work today. It was almost two in the morning when I drove Fria Chica home. Two bottles may sound like a lot but stretched over that long of a time period it didn't feel like overindulging.
Fria Chica is nine years younger than I am. That is why it is odd that of all of my sisters she is most like me. Not only does she look like me she shares my love of Jane Austin, Possession, and Lord of The Rings. Miss Universe stopped by to pick up some creamer last night while I was making the sandwiches. She was standing by the butcher block eating cucumbers and tomatoes while I sliced them. When I grabbed the loaf of bread and started slicing it she asked, with genuine concern, if I was out of normal bread, by this she meant store-bought bread. I laughed and answered that we had plenty of bread I just wanted to use this loaf. She shrugged and said that she only asked because it looked like I was using scraps. I truly have the best family. I know it sounds corny but sometimes I look around at the people surrounding me, my siblings, my mom, and my children, and realize I am one of the luckiest people in the world.
My emotions ran a wide gauntlet yesterday. All morning at work I felt like I was fighting back tears. At the church next door there was a funeral being held for a three year old little boy. I only knew the mom in passing, but my heart was broke for her, it had been broke since the little boy had died. He had went in for a basic tonsillectomy and for some reason didn't live through it. As the funeral was ending a lady came into our office and was outraged that the cars for the funeral had taken up all of the parking spots in front of our building. Jean, my boss, and I were in shock. In comparison to what the family was suffering her having to walk an extra few feet didn't seem like much of a problem.People are funny, so is life. It seems odd for me to be rejoicing about my family while this other family was in so much pain, but that too is life.

Spam & Trainspotting

2008-02-22T11:47:00.000-06:00

Before coming here to post today I ran through my e-mail rather quickly. I can't bring myself to empty my junk folder without scanning its contents. You know, just in case someone I want to hear from accidentally fell in. In further proof of my craziness I will admit that I talk back to the e-mails as I scan. Since no one is here to hear me I was very loud. "Really Nick, you believe in me?" and "Hollywood has switched to green tea? Well this Earl Grey I'm drinking can fuck off! It's all green for me now."
It does bother me that I can clearly see a relationship between what I have searched for in the past month and what spam I get. I have searched 'tea' lately. I haven't searched 'Nick' though, so I don't know why the fuck he thinks I care if he believes in me. It has been a while but I did search 'Christianity' a few times when I was looking at the difference between denominations. Therefore, I completely understand why I get messages about single Christians in my town. Of course only about four hundred people live in my town, so I think I know all of the single Christians, and am not interested. Give me a single heathen any day.

I have also learned something interesting about my family's behavior this month. For years I have wanted to watch Trainspotting. It is one of those movies that even though I had always planned to watch it, the opportunity never presented itself. About two weeks ago I noticed it was on t.v. so I recorded it. It has been sitting on the list since then unwatched. When asked what it was I just said it was a movie I had been meaning to watch for years. Nobody else touched it after that. I'm sure that if I would have said it was a risky movie I didn't think they should watch they would have watched it the second they got a chance. Except for dh. Mr. conventional, which is getting worse as he ages, would have deleted it fifteen minutes into the movie. Instead nobody touched it and I watched and deleted it at my leisure.
The reasons I didn't want my children to watch it aren't the obvious ones. The frontal nudity and sex scenes they will watch elsewhere. They will probably be faked so well by Hollywood that they don't appear near as realistic as they do in this movie. If they are going to watch sex scenes I at least want the to give a realistic idea of what it is about, not just fake body parts and unrealistic ideals. If they are going to watch drug scenes, and I'm sure they will, I want them to show the down side like this movie did. No the reason I don't want them to watch this movie is because I'm afraid they are as curious as I am. I have never shot up drugs. The things I have done though, I have done because I want to know what it is like. I found myself wondering what heroin is like;what makes it so attractive? Would I be able to take one hit to try and then leave it? Then slowly as I watched I realized that as I have grown older alcohol effects me so much more than it used to. No telling what anything stronger would do to me now. No, the time in my life for trying those kinds of things is gone. Good sense has ruled out. I believe my boys have much more good sense than I did at their age, but lets not push it.

My Sister's Keeper

2008-02-18T13:15:00.000-06:00

Before I switched jobs my life centered around my life here at home. Working a few days a week was something I worked in to my schedule. Since switching jobs my life has felt really out of balance. My life has been centering on work and I was working my kids, my family, and my personal interests around my job. For instance my sleeping habits have always been erratic. I might have stayed up until two or three in the morning for a few nights then gone to bed at ten on another night. For the last several months I have been trying to make sure I get to bed no later than eleven, so that I could get at least seven hours of sleep a night. I had not realized that imposing this schedule was centering my life around work. I just knew that I was feeling unfulfilled and bored with my life, and out of touch with my children. Last week I decided to start trying to recenter my life. It has been easy because of the three day weekend, but I hope to keep it up.
Wednesday Lane and I went grocery shopping in the evening and didn't make it home until after eleven. Thursday we went out to eat with some friends. I ate too much. (So far I have taken off ten of the twenty extra pounds I packed on last year) We didn't get home until after ten and I needed to bake cupcakes for Lee to take to school the next day. (Wow, my little boy is sixteen) He still takes cupcakes to school on his birthday. His class still expects the cakes to have cookie crumbs on the top, to represent dirt, and a worm sticking its head out of the dirt. I didn't get to bed until after midnight. Friday night we finished the second LOTR movie.For two nights in a row I stayed up late reading a book. After all of that I feel more rested than I did when I was forcing myself to sleep.
The book I stayed up late reading was My Sister's Keeper. It was an excellent book. It was a book that insisted on being read in two large chunks instead of a little bit here and there. I finished it at four thirty this morning and then I laid in the dark thinking about it until five. The characters were so well developed that they quit being characters and have become friends I spent my weekend listening to and empathizing with. I would recommend this book to anyone.

Shut up already

2008-02-07T11:56:00.000-06:00

Lately I have been avoiding people and situations just so I don't have to listen to bitching all of the time. One of my good friends Tams, who I have spent hours at a time talking to over the years, is a good example. I will admit that several of those hours have been spent with me doing the bitching;I really should not judge. It is just that it seems to have reached epic proportions. She has been teaching here for a couple of years now and I hate to say it but nobody can bitch like school teachers. With me being on the board I feel it is my duty to listen objectively whenever I am targeted as a listener. Even if I know that their points are valid after a point it becomes very exhausting. No matter how hard we try the school will never be perfect, their will always be personality clashes,and somebody will always be slacking off, and somebody will be picking up the slack. There has to be a point when we say there are these small problems that we are working on, but in general things are working.
Over a year ago I quit going to church and you would not believe how much more peaceful my life is now. I don't know what it is about church but members don't seem to be happy if they aren't complaining about somebody else. The music is either the wrong style, or the preacher is offensive, or somebody in the congregation is getting too much control. I really don't care if I ever attend church again.
Evading that question is tricky. Every time I get asked why I quit going to church I either blame it on apathy or laziness, which while there are a few reasons for my quiting those aren't two of them. One reason is the aforementioned problem with complaining. One is that since Labor day we have been eating a large breakfast most Sundays together as a family. My mom and sister come over and we cook a huge meal. My brother usually drives up from Guymon, and occasionally a few friends show up. I really don't want to spoil that. Even though most of my family members live relatively close it is easy to go a week without spending much time together. Between kids and their activities, and work, and our activities, extended family can be pushed out of the way. I love getting together and having an excuse to cook hash browns. The other reason is the big one. The church I had been attending was a baptist one. I had thought that it was okay to attend a baptist church and not consider oneself a baptist. For years I did just that with no real problems, but then the whole conservative push started strengthening and even in small independent churches Dobson's strangle hold was being felt. I like my preaching served without a side of politics. I cringe when I hear a preacher say that gay marriage is a threat to families. I find it curious that they never expand on that in a logical way and show the actual threat. How can I trust in a preacher who repeats lies without first checking them and cross referencing them with the Bible? How can I sit in a pew and smile and shake hands with people who are willing to accept these same lies from the preacher because it feels good to hate? The answer is I can't.

Middle Earth

2008-01-31T10:45:00.001-06:00

All day at work yesterday something was haunting me. At first I couldn't put my finger on what it was. I was functioning fine, talking and laughing with co-workers, and doing my work at an acceptable speed. Something just didn't feel right. Slowly it hit me, I was home sick. Not my normal kind of homesick. I often think about me house and what I would be doing if I were at home. I am a homebody, but this was different. I was homesick for Middle Earth.
Now I know some people will never understand this, but I am sure I am not alone in this feeling. Lee, Jason, and I had started watching LOTR the night before. We are planning to watch them all three over again as time allows. The problem with the movies is that they make me want to spend a day laying around immersed in the book. The problem with the book is that it makes me want to move to Middle Earth, which is unfeasible at the moment. To be a hobbit, a simple life of helping things grow, eating, smoking, drinking and eating again, seems idyllic to me right now. The question that holds me is how do we get back to that simple life with out losing all of the wonderful advances that have came into society? Of course I would need to go out on a few adventures now and again, maybe steal from a dragon or two.

More time alone

2008-01-25T19:27:00.000-06:00

Here I am stealing a bit of time to myself again. Some days it hits me that there will come a time when I will be alone a lot more. I wonder if I will like it? Most of the town is at the school tonight for the homecoming game. My kids are there hanging out with their friends. They don't have time for me tonight, if I were a less selfish mother I would be upset, I am so relieved.
I was reading through the list of 1001 books you must read before you die and realized I had already read over forty of them. Well, I might as well finish, I thought. Middlesex was already my table waiting to be read, Orlando is somewhere under the table already started, and Moll Flanders is almost finished, lying somewhere under my bed. That is the book Moll Flanders under my bed, not an actual person.
For Christmas my brother gave me a beautiful blank book. It was too substantial looking to just fill with my endless blathering. He had already given me a recipe journal, and a wine journal, both of which I love. I didn't know what to do with this book. As I was reading over the list I realized that this is exactly what this book is for. It is to hold a reading project that will last more than a few years. I am going to get started right now.

Four hours before I can eat!

2008-01-22T18:42:00.000-06:00

I am forty-four hours into my fast and I am starving. My head is pounding and I am not sure if it is my sinuses or the whole detox thing. It never has made me sick before, but I have heard of it happening to others. I came home from work and went straight in to lie down. My family has went to the high school basketball game and the house is very quiet now. Here I am alone drinking herbal tea and trying to decide weather I should read a book or watch a movie.
Since Tiki is on vacation we had a sub come in to help out today. This lady was very nice and worked hard. Since we were swamped we only took a thirty minute lunch. I wasn't eating so drank my tea while she ate. When I told her I was detoxing she seemed very knowledgeable on alternative health care, which was great because it gave us something to talk about. I am not sure when the exact turning point of the conversation happened, it was subtle, but I slowly realized I found her very scary.
She explained to me how the president has sold us out to the middle east. She talked about how he has proven that we are no longer allies to Israel. Now I am all for disliking our current administration, I take a certain pleasure in it. It was when she went on telling me how everything bad that happened in Israel would be double here in the states that I took notice. She talked of things like earthquakes and hurricanes and how we were doomed. We would probably only have one more election before our country was ruined and past the point of being able to have elections. She offered to send me over a video about the anti-christ. She was a very nice lady, and I was heartened to hear that not all Christian conservatives were backing Bush, however I found her surety on our destruction more than a little frightening. I am not frightened of the destruction she was talking about. What frightened me was the fact that she does represent a part of our population, and a person who is scared is easy to control. If enough of our voters are scared for the future I worry about the kind of choices we will make. Religious fanatics, from any religion, scare me.

48 hour fast

2008-01-21T09:30:00.000-06:00

I am not a crazy person, well not totally, yet today I found myself shouting obscenities at my car radio. There is a local morning show that I used to listen to regularly. For a variety of reasons I don't listen much anymore. This morning I dropped my kids off at school, yes literally, and happened to hear the d.j. saying that it was ridiculous to choose a candidate based on gender or race. I didn't know what he was specifically talking about at the time. I shouted "Fuck you Ramon, Fuck you!" very loudly. I do happen to agree with his statement, we should choose our leaders on their ability to lead, it is just that he says things with no consistency. This man is a man that I have heard, more than once, say that he would never vote for a woman president. For him to be judging anyone else on how they choose their candidate is ridiculous.

On a different subject, I am fasting today. Around last Wednesday I decided to do the seven day detox. I did it a few years ago and I felt great when I was done. When to start is always the hard decision. Anna had just told me that her and a few friends were inviting themselves over to my house Saturday night. Sunday is when we have our large family breakfast, so I put it off until today. Last night at ten I decided to go in and have one last meal. What did I choose? A huge bowl of cereal. Wheat and dairy a a large part of my diet;I am going to miss them. Miss Universe is doing it also, she is the one who mentioned it first. This is her first time so I am curious to see how she likes it. I talked to Tams last night and she said she should do it with me again, but I am not sure she will. She is the one who loaned me the book and did it with me a few years ago.
I washed all of my tea pots and put them aside. It is all herbal tea for me now. Tea pots aren't really required for herbal tea since they come in tea bags. All of my wine glasses are washed and snug in their cupboard. Since this seems to be a time of renewal I think I'll season my cast iron skillets tonight. At least once in the winter I like to cover them in shortening and leave them in a 200 degree oven all night. I was washing one of them this morning and the smell of what I had cooked last wafted up to meet me. Yesterday morning I had sliced beef fillets and browned them in olive oil. They were heavily seasoned with salt,pepper, and garlic. I set them aside to be put in omelets. I then poured a few cups of red wine in the skillet to deglaze the pan. I added a can of beef broth and let it cook down into a thick sauce that was perfect to saute mushrooms in. The mushrooms were put into the omelets too. The rich beefy smell coming from the skillet filled my head and made me wonder if this fasting was a silly idea.

Morning tea

2008-01-17T10:48:00.000-06:00

One of the things I miss, since I started working more, is morning tea. On days I work I sleep as late as possible;being awake in the morning is akin to torture for me. my breakfast is usually buttered toast or a banana which I eat while driving as fast as possible to work, and I am still a few minutes late. My tea is too hot to drink until I get there, then if we are busy it goes cold and has to be reheated.
Yesterday I wasn't hungry so I made a large pot of blueberry roobios and drank it throughout the morning. Today I woke up starving. I made a pot of Czar Nicholas. There was still bread left from yesterday so I toasted four slices. After buttering them I covered two with honey and two with strawberry jam. I ate while reading blogs and listening to The Cloud Room. That in my opinion is a perfect morning.
Yesterday morning I had a message on my phone saying Pookie has crawled. I am excited to see this. The message had been sent at midnight. My family is full of night owls; this little guy is no exception. I am going to pick him up now so Fria Chica can take a nap. I hope he will crawl for me.

Two days off!

2008-01-16T11:22:00.000-06:00

Two glorious days off, I am never going to want to go back to work now. Tiki is taking her vacation starting Friday so days off are going to be nonexistent for eight days. Therefore, I am trying to completely enjoy these two. I held my breath Monday and Tuesday expecting the schedule to be changed. My days off were sure to disappear. That has been happening a lot lately;I smile and say no problem, but I hate it. I had thought it would be nice to have a least one of these days home alone, but that isn't going to happen. Huggy Bear is coming over both days while her parents work. I don't mind at all because I miss her. It is also snowing outside, so school may be canceled tomorrow.
Huggy Bear helped me make French bread and start a soup earlier. By the time we were finished she was covered in flour and had to have a bath. I can't believe how much she is talking now, and so clearly too. She was sitting on the table wiping flour onto the floor. When I told her stop she said "No" in a very calm voice. She then picked up a handful and threw it at a cabinet door. "Stop" I said quite firmly. "Fine" She answered in a very preteen way. All of this attitude and she is only two.

All of the great trips I have planned that have fallen through in the last two years,it is a trip to Florida that is really going to happen. Not that I dislike Florida, we just have already done the whole Disneyland thing as a family and I went to Florida on my senior trip. I wanted to go to New York, Canada, or Mexico. Enough of that though. I am sure I will love going to Florida, I enjoyed my last trip there, I just wanted to go somewhere new. This is a group trip, that is why we are going. I agreed to go because I had promised Princess and Curly Top that I would take them to Disney. Now their mother won't let them go, and it would be rude to back out at this point.
Miss Universe and her family are going, which is going to be great. Of all of the people we have vacationed with they are the most fun. The other family going happens to be Godiva,Raul, and their three children. Raul is Miss Universe's brother-in-law, Rolando's younger brother. They are a fun couple, but really I prefer them in small doses. We are all renting a four bedroom house together, if we aren't careful we may end up watching their young ones in large doses. Godiva is also very bossy, and seems to be against splitting up. I have firmly pointed out three times that my children are much older than hers so we aren't going to spend all of our time doing the same things. We are renting separate vehicles just to have an escape if needed. The plane tickets have been bought and the house is paid for. We are going.

I have mentioned before how red this corner of the state is. There happen to be some very vocal conservatives at work that are driving me crazy. Bell brought in an e-mail she had printed off and presented it in a very final-see here-I am right kind of a way. It was that old lame lie about how much the Clinton's get paid in rent from their secret service men. I got as far as printing off the snopes page on the subject, but then I wondered what is more important, being right or having peace in the work place. I haven't decided yet, so I am just avoiding any political conversations. Everybody should have their own opinions and being conservative, is not a crime. I just wish people would at least check out what they read or hear before passing it along.

Rambling on about resolutions.

2008-01-07T12:22:00.000-06:00

I told myself that I would start doing better at posting regularly. So here I am and I can't think of a thing to say. I'll just rattle on for a minute and see what happens. That whole start posting more wasn't a New Year's resolution, it just happened to come about around the end of last year so it feels like one. I never have really done the whole make resolutions on the 1st and really don't intend to start now.
My life is just feeling really out of balance and I really need to make some changes. The things that mean something to me have been taking back seat to things I really just do because I have to. So I decided to spend more time just hanging out with my kids, to go outside more, to start walking again, to make time to cook more, to spend an hour or two in my room reading every once in a while, and most of all-start working on my house again. Now I have to run. Jason is playing basketball in Balko today so I am off to cheer him on.

2007 reading list

2008-01-04T14:13:00.003-06:00

I wanted to save the list somehow, so here it is in post form.

Books read in 2007.

* Outlander --- Only book on the list that I didn't like.

* Saving fish from drowning
* The Night Watch
* The Worst Hard Time
* Farewell To Arms
* The sweet life
* The secret life of bees
* Jeeves and the song of songs
* Undomestic Goddess
* The Crystal Cave
* Stardust
* American Gods
* Islands In The Stream
* In her Shoes
* Whitethorn Woods
* The Bridge To Terabithia
* The Birth of Britain
* The Sun Also Rises*
* Thursday Next
* A Respectable Trade
* Byron's Poems
* Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
* The Tower of Beowolf
* Kite Runner
* Inkheart
* Robin and the King
* A Long Way Gone
* Marley & Me
* Sherwood
* Dress Your Family in Courderoy and Denim
* Domain
* The Sea, The Sea
* Death Is Not The End
* Heidi*
* The Irish Village Murder
* Woman on the edge of Time
* My Life as a Fake
* The Little Princesses
* The Rum Diary
* The Girl In Hyacinth Blue
* Saint Maybe
* One Day The Ice Will Reveal All Its Dead
* Something Rotten
* The Well Of lost Plots
* Lost in a Good Book
* The Eyre Affair

Forty-six books in 2007

2008-01-04T13:42:00.001-06:00

Forty six books finished this year, and only one of them I didn't like. There is low number of rereads this time, only two. As a child there were a few books I read over and over, several times a year. Jacob Have I Loved, The Witch of Blackbird Pond, and The Long Winter are a few that I remember. I have talked to people who say they never reread books. They are missing out. Most books have something new to find in them each time you read them.
I have a stack of books laying in piles around my bed that I have started and at some point intend to finish. They hopefully will be on the list next year. Looking over this year's list it looks like a good reading year. I read less nonfiction than usual, but I got on a fantasy kick for a good part of the year. My love of memoirs isn't represented much either. To start off next year I am already in the middle of a few memoirs.

I was so plowed when I made that last post that all I remember doing was squinting at the post and backspacing to correct the many typing errors. I am glad I posted though, because by morning I had forgot about that conversation until I read it. It made me laugh as I yakked several times on my drive to Wichita. I had picked up the girls a few days after Christmas to spend part of their school vacation with us. The first was the only day I had off to drive them home. At one point I pulled over to throw up and as I was holding it in until I came to a stop it started to come out my nose. That was a nice visual wasn't it? Anyway it took much longer than the usual four hours to make the drive there. I took an hour nap on my sisters couch and felt better when I woke up. The ride home was regurgitation free and went much faster. My i-pod went dead though so I couldn't listen to The Golden Compass on the way home, that sucked.

Happy new year!

2008-01-01T03:13:00.000-06:00

So how is your new year going? There have been many funny conversations in mine so far. Unfortunately the only one I remember goes something like this.

Fria chica: You know how you said Miss Universe was funny when she was drinking? Well you are even funnier.
Miss universe: Yeah, you aren't being a tight ass bitch.

Unfortunately I think they may be right. I was quite a lot of fun tonight. I am also still worried about my spelling and grammar, so maybe I can be a tight ass bitch sometimes.

I'm really not in a bitchy mood, this post just sounds like I am

2007-12-10T22:47:00.000-06:00

Tonight was the monthly school board meeting. If we talk in depth about personnel I always leave the meeting irritated. There seems to be a trend towards casting anyone who complains as a villain. If teachers, who in our area are usually also taxpayers and parents, complain then they are not being team players. It is okay to then label them as trouble makers and roll our eyes. Sometimes the phrase 'team player' is used to bully people into doing what they are told, instead of letting them raise reasonable objections. Ironically we adopted a bullying policy during the same meeting.

I also heard one of my other pet peeves today at work. It has been cold here for the last few days;tonight we are under a winter storm advisory. So of course I was expecting it to happen sooner or later. I was working quietly, minding my own business, when I heard my boss say, "where are those global warming people at today?". Now I could have pointed out that at lunch time I only wore a sweater, not a coat, and that the ice was melting and falling from the trees. I could also have pointed out that global climate change does not mean that everywhere on the planet will be hot every day. It, to greatly over simplify it, means that as ocean temperatures rise our climates will become more erratic and extreme. I did not say any of these things though, because she is in charge of the schedule, and I was minutes away from asking for a day off next week. Instead I gave a forced chuckle;thank god my back was turned. I then grasped around wildly for a new subject. So yes, my principles will go undefended if I want a day off. Really they go undefended all the time because I find that arguing with these people seldom works. So unless I find myself talking to someone who actually wants to discuss it instead of just quoting the last guy they heard on talk radio I just keep quiet.

Not much to say

2007-12-05T19:24:00.000-06:00

Well I did not reach the goal of 50,000 words. I came close with 48,000 words, about 40,000 of them I am happy with. Not bad, at first I was mad at myself for failing, but I wrote more than I would have if I would never have tried.

Pookie is in the hospital so I stopped in after work and watched him while Fria Chica had a shower. He is so stinkin' adorable. He is a chubby ball of sunshine. He has had bronchitis and wasn't getting enough oxygen so he has to sleep in a tent. He sounds a lot better today.

Not a lot to say really. I'm not even angry about anything! I am tired though, so I am off to bake a cake for the cake raffle, then to bed.

It is late, and I am rambling

2007-11-27T01:26:00.000-06:00

I am wasting time instead of writing. My brain needs to recharge before I move on. Somebody please go in and make me another cup of tea.
We went to Jason's fall sports banquet earlier this evening. I am sure there are more boring places to be, but I really can't think of any right now. For the last five years I have had a child playing sports both in the Fall and the Spring, the two times of year they have these things. That means I really should have attended ten of them. So far this is my second.
Lee hates them as much as I do, so he never went to his own banquets, and I sure wasn't going to go if he wasn't. Jason doesn't like them either, so I thought I was going to get out of it again tonight. Dh loves these things, that surely has to be a sign that something is odd, so this year we went to please him. I am glad we don't have to do that again for a few months.
Some days I hate to walk into the school because I know someone will corner me and say 'your on the school board' and then they will go on to complain about something. It isn't that I don't care about the school, or want to hear their opinions, I do. It is just that some days I want to just be a mom, and forget I'm a school board member.

Oh, I forgot to mention that Fria Chica and I found a solution to one of the world's problems on our long drive home the other night. I'm sure it only makes sense late at night, in the state we were in when we thought of in. Here it is: There should be one rule every government in the world has to follow. All religion is personal and can not be encouraged by any government. Churches should be local and not national entities. The U.N. should give up all of its other duties and have an army to enforce this rule. Not peace keeping troops, an army. Before you dissect this, I know it is too vague, and that it gives the U.N. to much power, but in my late night version of the world it would work.

2007-11-26T14:51:00.000-06:00

Thanksgiving has came and went. It left a huge mess in its wake. My dishes may never get done. Everyday I wash enough to feel like I am ahead, then by the end of the day I am behind again. You can see we aren't one of those families that run in and clean up right after the meal. That would be wasting precious game playing time.
My first trip to Wichita was great. My brother and I talked the whole way there and back. We didn't turn the radio on once. We only spent an hour in Wichita since I wanted to get home to start baking, and he can't sleep in other peoples houses very well anyway. I am glad he went with me, because he kept me from stewing all the way there. Really I can't remember what we talked about, but by the time we reached Drama Queen's apartment I wasn't bitter at all, and my weepiness was gone. Thank goodness, I had already had an embarrassing moment in the library when I teared up for no reason at all.
Saturday Fria chica and I drove the girls back to Wichita. We stayed the night so that we could get up the next day and get ice cream. The book store is across from the ice cream shop so of course we went there next. Surprisingly, I was very good and didn't buy any books for myself. I picked one up for my brother and a few for the kids and that was it. At Chelmsford Teas I picked up a carton of chai seasoning and some orange green tea for my brother. Then I was overwhelmed and couldn't resist trying something new so I bought two oz. of Windsor Castle for myself. Those books are the only Christmas shopping I have done yet.
As I was leaving Wichita the second time it hit me again that somehow Drama Queen brings out the best and the worst in me. When I am around her I want to gather up all of the pieces of her life, fix them, and hand them back to her in a neat package. There is no end to the amount of help I want to give her. I want so much for her to be happy and fulfilled. At the same time I never find myself being so judgmental as I do when I am around her. Really one of the things I try to do is not to judge people, but to accept them as whole people whatever their flaws instead of labeling them good or bad. Yet I walk in and count the empty beer bottles and add them to her list of errors. When she talks about her life I smile and listen but inside my head I snort and wonder how long it will be until she fucks it up. I am not proud of myself for this and someday hope to change this terrible trait.

Plans are changed

2007-11-20T14:24:00.000-06:00

An odd turn of events has given me tomorrow off as well. Now what? I felt like here was God daring me. I said I was just upset because I couldn't see the girls, that I wasn't twelve and wouldn't act like it by being hateful to my sister, but how would I act. It was very hard to swallow my pride, call my sister and ask if I could come and get the girls tonight. I did it though, and she was very nice. She always is when she is getting her own way. It grinds on me that she is getting everything just how she wanted it after throwing a fit. However, I can't wait to see those girls and I will give in for them. I am still crying, and trying like anything to stop before the boys get out of school.
My brother called and sounded like he was in a very good mood. This was a little surprising because this morning my mother had told me he wasn't planning on coming over for Thanksgiving dinner. This is odd, since, like me, he loves the holidays. I have a feeling he was reacting to her just the way I was reacting to Drama Queen, all of our faults are genetic from one source or the other. It turns out Fria Chica talked to him before I did and had smoothed things out a little. This could be a very emotional Thanksgiving. As I was typing that I had a nice thought, so I took a break. I called my brother back and he is going to run to Wichita with me. The only problem is that right before that I was thinking of buying his Christmas present while we were there.

I can't quit crying

2007-11-20T08:47:00.000-06:00

I am dangerously far behind on my nano novel. Last night I stayed up late and wrote five thousand words. So if this post seems extra wordy I apologize. Once you get used to making every sentence as long as possible it is hard to stop.
When I did go to bed I couldn't sleep. Not many nights in my adult life have been spent staying up and worrying. I am a champion sleeper. All of the nights that have been have spent awake have been attributed to Drama Queen. Last night was no exception.
For over a week the plan has been for me to drive to Wichita Monday night and bring the girls home Tuesday. They were going to spend Thanksgiving with us and then I would take them home on Saturday. I didn't realize the depth of my missing those girls until the day kept getting closer to seeing them again. I was like a school child in May. I couldn't sit still and smiled at the thought of seeing them again. Some days I could feel their arms around my neck.
More than one person had asked if they were out of school on Tuesday, or if they were just skipping it. As far as I knew they were just skipping it. Looking at our schedules Drama Queen and I had picked out a day that I didn't work and that coincided with her work schedule so she wouldn't have to pay a babysitter this week. She is having babysitter trouble again, and they are always hard to find on holidays. Since she didn't raise any objections to the missed school day I didn't bring it up. The benefits outweighed the missed day as far as I was concerned, and it was the only day I could make the drive.
I had to work Monday. After work I drove quickly to the school to catch the last half of Lee's scholar's bowl meet. When it was over I ran home make a pot of tea and eat a quick waffle for supper. The waffles were left over from Sunday's breakfast. I covered it with strawberry syrup, whipped cream, and mixed berries. You can never go wrong with a Belgian waffle. While I was eating I called Fria Chica to see if she was still going with me. She was. I called Drama Queen to tell her what time I was leaving, and that I would be arriving around midnight.
She seemed surprised. Somehow she had completely forgot our last conversation and thought I was coming Tuesday. I told her there was no way I was going to drive four hours Tuesday morning, then turn around and drive home the same day. Especially with Fria Chica and the baby. Fria Chica had said she wanted to go because Drama Queen has never got to see the baby, but that she didn't want to keep him in a car seat for eight hours in one day. She was only going if we spent the night.
I have made the trip by myself many times. I kind of enjoy the time to think, so if Fria Chica decided not to go it wasn't a big deal to me, but she really wanted to go. Tuesday is my only day off this week, except for Thanksgiving day, so I told Drama Queen it had to be Monday night like we decided. She called me selfish and rude. Whenever I tried to talk she just yelled more insults over my voice. When I did get a chance to talk I probably said the wrong things. Anyway the whole mess ended with her hanging up on me and sending me hateful text messages. I think she likes conversations like that better, because she likes them to be one sided.
Right now the phone is ringing and I am ignoring it. My mother is calling again. She can't stand going to work when there might be some drama going on, so she is at home trying to meddle. She wants to see the girls, but only if I drive up and get them. She mentioned several times last night that she would go today, except she has to work. I have already talked to her this morning, once was enough. She made sure to point out that she wanted to see them at Christmastime, and that Drama Queen said I could come up and get them the day after Christmas. It was really a one sided conversation, because I have nothing more to say on the matter. Last night she wanted to trash Drama Queen and call her a drunk. Today she has talked to D.Q. and wants to discuss the whole situation with me, explain D.Q.'s side of it to me. I've heard, I've read it, I'm done with it. I just don't have the energy. Last night I was upset, but I didn't want to sit around and trash D.Q. It wouldn't make me feel better. Today I just don't have the energy to do anything more than cry and sleep. I am forcing myself to get a few things done, but it is very hard.
Depression is a family trait, but I have been afflicted very little in comparison with most of siblings. My depression is usually started by an event like this. Once I get down it is so hard to get back up again, but I usually bounce back in a few days.
I say usually, because once it did take me six months to pull out of the funk. I slept ten hours a night and took at least one nap during the day. When I fell asleep while stretched out on the floor, reading a book to Lane, I told myself this is enough. It still took me several months to get back to normal, but I did get back. I credit reading to pulling me out.
It was a point when my children were still young, but I had a bit more free time. If you are not careful at this point you will assess your life, and you may find a lack. I did, but I couldn't quite figure out what was missing. I wanted to run away from home. There was a need to be myself. My brother gave me a gift. It was Bella Tuscany by Frances Mayes.
After Lee was born my life became about him. Then Jason came, two years later Lane was born. Until that year, when Lane was four, my life was full of them. I'm not complaining I loved it. Then suddenly there was a little space and I couldn't remember how to fill myself up. It had been too long since I had done it. I didn't even know who I was. The lost feeling overwhelmed me.
As I read first this book, and then more books, I started to remember who I was. I also began to grow again as a person. My children are still the most important aspect of my life, but they are who they are, and I am myself.
Right now I am a woman who misses her nieces so much. I am a woman who is wondering if she is doing the right think by not jumping in her car and driving to get them right now. All morning I have questioned my resolve to not be bullied. It has taken me many years to learn not give in to pressure when I know I am right, but part of me wants to chuck all of that and call, apologize, and drive to get them. Even if I have to give up things important to me, and go to work tomorrow with no sleep.

I am a stay at home feminist

2007-11-14T09:27:00.000-06:00

I thought I was done here, that I had nothing to say other than to list activities that I am planning to do, but will very likely not finish. So instead of making a boring post I searched Dobson and lies together. What I found myself caught up in was an argument about stay at home moms. This is a charged subject for women of the childbearing age. Both sides that I read today had it wrong.
When I had children I wanted to stay home with them, not for the benefits it would give them, but for what it would give me. Children are only yours, truly yours, for a short time. If you don't think eighteen years is a short period of time, have a child. In that first year so much happens and it doesn't slow down until that child is grown and out of your house. I didn't want to miss any of this time. When my children were little I took them almost everywhere with me. I ran a daycare out of my home so I could contribute to the household income without leaving them. I loved everyday that we spent together. Now I am back to work. The boys are older.
Strange things are happening, I went over twenty-four hours without talking to Jason this week. I dropped him off at school Monday morning. He left school that day on a bus for a basketball game. I was at a school board meeting when he got home. He was asleep when I got home. I peeked in and watched him sleep before I went to work Tuesday. He had a home game that night. I sat in the stands and watched. We didn't talk at all until after the game which was around eight that night. I am so glad I had the years I did with him.
One day a friend, who also stayed home with her son until he started school, commented on my decision to stay home and watch both of my sisters kids while they went back to school. Someone else mentioned that it was nice that my sisters could work and go back to school because I helped them with free child care. Both of my sisters now have degrees and are doing well in their careers, and I am so proud of them. My friend said, 'Yeah, but she (meaning me) is still at the same spot.' Monetarily I was at the same spot, but I have a better relationship with my nieces and nephews than most people do. I don't just love them because they are my sisters kids, I love them because they a people I have spent huge amounts of time with. My sisters know that there is someone else in the world who loves their children a great deal. Knowing this is peace of mind for a parent. I too have that same peace of mind because of the close family ties this arrangement has made. When Lee left on his trip to Europe last summer Miss Universe cried as much as I did. If the goal, and mine is, is to love life and be surrounded by people I love, I am so much further ahead than most people I know.
This whole subject has not been brought up so I can convince others to stay at home with their children, or to say people who made the choice to go back to work are wrong. It is to say that every person, regardless of their sex, should be able to make the decision that is best for them and be supported. I am a feminist. Women should have equal rights under the law, in the workplace, and at home as a man.
When my brother decided to stay at home with his children he didn't have to face the accusation of derailing a whole movement. It was said of him, and men like him, that it was great that we lived in an enlightened society that didn't see raising children as only women's work. I agree with this statement, but why should men, even at home, have the advantage? He didn't have to defend his decision. Women should not have to defend their decision to stay at home either.
As for the statement that suggested that mothers choosing to stay at home could lead to an all male supreme court or congress, well that is a bit far fetched. Every mom is not going to choose to stay at home. Not every woman is going to choose to have children, and mothers who do choose to stay at home will most likely re-enter the workforce after their children go to school. All of these women should be supported and applauded for making choices that work best for them instead of just accepting whatever rules society lays out for them.
As for the other side, that instead of using well thought out arguments tries insulting their opponent, well they aren't even worth listening to. They aren't trying to help stay-at-home moms they are just trying to use them as a weapon to tear down all that the women's movement has fought for. They said the woman speaker could have come straight out of the 60's or 70's and used the term 'old time bra burning feminist' as an insult. As a woman I applaud those feminist from the 60's and 70's. It took strength to burn your bra when women were supposed to be standing behind their man. If not for those 'old time' feminists we would not be where we are today and I won't let their legacy become an insult. Hooray to all women from the ones who burned their bras to the ones who stay at home and raise children because they choose to.

Jason running in his underwear

2007-11-11T09:31:00.000-06:00

Last night was the birthday party. The coat we had ordered as a present wasn't here yet. So I wrapped up the jumper I had bought her baby and gave it to Fria Chica as a gift. We also gave her the order receipt we had printed off so she knows what is coming soon. At one point late in the party Jason came in from the kitchen and starting taking his clothes off. When asked to explain this strange behavior he told us he had lost a bet.
Rolando had bet both Jason and Raul, Rolando's little brother (about 25), that he could take the cork out of and empty wine bottle. It was a cork he had shoved all the way in for the bet. He told them he could do this using nothing but a plastic grocery sack.
Rolando got the cork out by slipping the sack inside the bottle and blowing it up. Jason payed up when he lost by running in his underwear to the post office and back. The post office is two blocks from Miss Universe's and Rolando's house. He is lucky that we are having such a mild winter;it is still around forty degrees out last night.
Raul never did run, or strip for that matter. He insisted that Rolando had failed to pay up on similar bet. Godiva, Raul's wife, insisted that they both should make the run to even it out. That never happened. Many times through the rest of the night Lee and Godiva pointed out that the only man in the room was Jason, a thirteen year old boy. Rolando and Raul both willingly admitted that they weren't men and were okay with the shame.
It was a good night. We had too much pasta and bread, just the right amount of wine, and lots of laughs. I had never mad pesto before and was really pleased with the results. Although it may have been easier in a food processor than a blender. I added a food processor to my Christmas list.
Speaking of Christmas. There are few people around here that are really against the Eid stamp. I'm sure this comes from the stupid e-mail that is going around or an even more stupid radio station. A radio station that is supposed to be about Christianity, but instead uses that as its cover to bind people together through hate and prejudice. Anyway I mentioned the other day that I was going to use them on my Christmas cards and got, not just one, but two lectures on the subject of why it is wrong for the postal service to make these stamps.
What is funny is that I was only suggesting this as a way to help out our Postmaster. She gets Eid stamps every year, but since we have a very low Muslim population they are hard to sell and she has a lot left after the holidays. I am not a huge fan of the knitted sweater stamps, but love the blue and gold of the Eid stamp. It seemed like a good solution. I am now thinking about specifically sending cards with this stamp to the two people who lectured me, and everybody else I know that believes whatever propaganda crap they hear on the radio or read on their e-mail. Come on Christian Americans think for yourself, act Christ like, read your bible instead of believing everything Dobson and his gang say. They are trying to steal freedom not give it.

penis vs vagina they are only words

2007-11-07T09:40:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was Fria Chica's birthday. We are celebrating Saturday with a dinner. Miss Universe and I have went through several possible menu ideas before settling on a pasta night. I am making brioche, spinach pesto, pasta puttanesca, spaghetti cabonara, and linquine w/red clam sauce. Miss Universe is making linguine w/chicken alfredo sauce, and spaghetti w/meatballs. Can you tell we love pasta?

My brother stopped by last night and ate supper with us. I whined about my nano novel to him and he was very sympathetic. He used to live with me. When he moved out he still lived in the area for years. Now he lives in Guymon and it seems like I never see him. Stupid jobs. I have his name for Christmas and instead of having trouble thinking of something to give I am having trouble narrowing down the list I have. I am already in the holiday spirit this year.

At work the other day I heard what has to be, to me, the most despicable phrase in human language. "I would do it but my husband would kill me." She was talking about dying her hair. WTF! As an adult it is my firm belief that my hair is my hair. When will women quit letting their husbands act like their fathers. I wont go on for long about this but I have to say that they won't stop treating us like children until we insist that they do. Women dye your hair, cut it, shave it, let it grow whatever you want. If you honestly believe your spouse will kill you it may be time to rethink the whole spouse idea. Equality means we all get to think of ourselves as adults not just those of us with penises.

Along those same lines I have been thinking for years about the word vagina. I know the monologues and other feminist attempts have made the word a little more mainstream but in the household it is still treated like an unspeakable word. With my children I used the anatomically correct word instead of pee pee I taught them to say penis. I often wondered if I would have had the strength to do the same if I would have had daughter. None of the women I know who have daughters do. A few years ago I was driving on an empty highway with a lot of time to think. I started wondering about this. The word penis is thrown around pretty carelessly. Penis head and penis breath are common insults. At that time I had never heard anyone call out vagina head as an insult. That surely has to be a sign of the different status of the two words. This was a few years ago and I haven't given the subject much thought since then. Just the other day I overheard Lee calling somebody a vagina face. I was a bit irritated at first. Why should a part of the female anatomy be used in an insult. Before I said anything out loud I remembered that lonely highway and thinking that this kind of an insult would be a good sign. Since then I have heard him use the phrase again and again. Maybe this is a sign. Could the word finally be becoming just another word that describes a body part? Have we moved out of the unspeakable stage? I hope so.
I remember the first time I really gave thought to how mothers react to the vagina. It was in the middle of an interesting conversation. I was talking to a mother of three girls. I of course had three boys. She was saying how she hated cowboy hats. She couldn't understand why a man would want to put something that looked like a female body part on his head. "A female body part?" I asked. "Yeah, you have boys but believe me," Here she lowered her voice. "When you change a girl and you see 'her' it is really ugly." We still have a long way to go.

2007-11-06T15:52:00.000-06:00

I am still in shock over what has happened to my novel today. I was way behind this morning when I started. After writing 3,000 words today I was still behind but a lot closer to being caught up. Somehow today, and I'm still not sure how, I deleted the whole thing. I can't find it anywhere.
My sister Fria Chica was here when it happened. She was actually the one on the computer when it happened. I sent her over to read what I had wrote. She tried to open it but a warning came up saying it was already open. Since I had just closed it right before she arrived I rashly told her to click yes and open it anyway. Now it is gone. I actually felt tears coming to my eyes, but I banished them out of fear of making her feel guilty. It wasn't her fault at all, but I was afraid if acted too concerned it would make her feel bad. I forced the whole thing out of my head. We went for a five mile walk. Pooky, her baby was bundled and slept the whole way in his stroller. The wind was cold and Fria Chica lost her breath. Neither of us had thought to bring an inhaler. I was pretty worried about her; She was having trouble taking any deep breaths. My asthma hasn't been giving me problems for the last few years. Listening to her I could remember how tiring it was to fight for every breath. How hopeless it felt to be away from home and have to keep walking, every thought focused on getting to an inhaler. It made my problem seem very small. When we got back here I dusted off my inhaler for her to use. Then I rushed to my computer to search for the missing file. It is gone. Now that she has went home to rest and I know I have to start over I feel like giving up.

The Worst Hard Time

2007-11-01T15:51:00.000-05:00

1,667 words a day will be a 50,000 word novel in 30 days. Not a good novel, by any stretch of the imagination, but a novel. Last year I didn't succeed. There were two reasons, one, the one I openly blame it on, is that Drama Queen ran in to a bit of trouble last November and I spent too much time on the road trying to help her out so I didn't have time to finish. The other is that I tried writing a story that was just too much for my small amount of skill. The year before I finished a few days early and had a story I really liked. This year I am going with a nice simple story and have full expectations of finishing. I have wrote 1,982 words so far. I may try to find a way to keep a word count on this blog.

I finished reading The Worst Hard Time yesterday. Every few minutes my mind strays back to the book. I may need to read it again or something else on the same subject. It is a non-fiction account of the dust bowl days; something I should know more about. Most of the books I read take place far away from here. When I picked up this book it didn't occur to me I would be reading about my own area, I just liked the cover and title. At first while I read I romanticized the setting of the story and found myself walking outside to really notice and enjoy the wide open space we have here.
As a child I romanticized the plains when I read Little House On The Prairie. I romanticized the locations of almost every book I read, I still do. Whenever I read a book I wanted to go there. I want to walk around and feel the air, smell the smells, experience the hard times as well as feel the sun shine on my face. This was how it was when I read Heidi, Anne of Green Gables, Jacob Have I Loved, and really any book.

As the book progressed and the depression worsened I grew amazingly scared. I heard it said once that if it went long enough without raining it could happen again and on some distant level I believed that. I also knew on that same distant level that we had caused the dust to fly. Reading about it in such detail I realized that our greed and lack of foresight was the main cause, not ignorance. There were voices of warning before and during the great plow-up. People chasing money never listen to words of caution. It is very scary.

Another thing that I didn't realize is that the grasslands are still in the rebuilding stage, and that it could take hundreds more years to for them to completely heal. I am simple in some ways. I thought we had just ran in planted some grass and trees and problem solved. Beyond that I never gave it much thought. Which is sad since I have been caught out driving in dust storms. Once, years ago, I was driving on the highway north of town when suddenly all I could see was dust and the occasional piece of corn stalk that scraped my window as it flew by. We don't really have shoulders on much of the roads out here so I was afraid to pull over. I was afraid to slow down too much for fear of being hit from behind. I couldn't drive very fast though because I could only barely make out the white line for a few feet in front of me. My kids were sleeping in the back seat and this was about the most tense half hour in my life. You would have to magnify this experience by 100 to get anything near what the people endured here during the thirties, but it does show that our dirt does still blow some days.

The scariest part is that we are now using our water supply just as flagrantly as they used the soil back then. There are voices of warning and we give lip service to water conservation, but nothing is really being done. Without our ground water we would be back at the mercy of the sky for our water and we have seen how fickle the sky can be.

Read this book it is informative, entertaining, and a word of caution to us all.

Halloween is here.

2007-10-31T09:43:00.000-05:00

This is a busy day, Halloween today, Nanowrimo tonight. Every year the firemen in our community spend Halloween night at the fire station handing out candy and serving food to anyone who stops by and wants to eat. As the wife of a fireman I am making chicken and noodles and a large pot of chili for them to serve. My kitchen is usually fairly well stocked so I didn't bother to check and see if I needed anything from the store. Last night around 11:30 I realized I was out of beans, a basic ingredient for chili. The worst part is that I had just came back from Guymon. I'm sure I have mentioned this before, but I live in a town without a grocery store, so wheneverI find myself in a larger town I pick up a few things we need. Last night I honestly didn't think we needed anything except toilet paper and shaving cream, necessities for the holiday, so I didn't buy anything else. This morning we ran to the quick stop and I was surprised to find beans there. Now I can move on to other projects.

The Science fair is also today, of course Jason waited until this morning to mention he needed to rebuild the bridges he had used for his project. After that was done and I had ironed shirts for Lane and Jason to wear today I dropped them off at school. Back at home I started looking for a costume for Miss Universe, Fria Chica and myself to wear to the spook parade. This is the first year I haven't spent the whole month getting children's costumes ready. You would think I would have spent the extra time starting on my costume, but only if you didn't know me. Of course I put it off until the last minute. We have decided to go as the Blue man group, but have no bald caps. What will we do? I'm not sure yet. I'll figure that out in between going to the office to do a bit of work, making pooky a burrito costume, and peeling potatoes.

Potatoes. Before I moved to this area chicken and noodles was a soup you added crackers to and ate it like a soup. Here in this part of the country, and I am sure this can't be the only place, they are ladled over mashed potatoes and ate like a gravy. It sounded strange at first, but now I admit this is the best way to eat chicken noodles.

Last night Jason, Lane, and I went to the Goodwell haunted dorm. It wasn't as good this year as it always has been before. We decided to drive back through Guymon and go to their haunted house. It was very good, better than last year. We stopped for a milkshake and fries on the way home and arrived home two hours past their bedtime. It was worth it. Haunted houses are a tradition for the three of us. Lee never goes. He doesn't like to be scared. Dh goes with us occasionally depending on his mood. the three of us go every year. While in Guymon we stopped at the store for supplies. We ran into Lee's math teacher which doesn't surprise me at all. We always run into someone else from our town no matter where we are. She looked at the toilet paper, laughed and said that better not show up on her house. I assured her this was for friendly fire aimed at a friend. Now I am off to get things done. If you haven't signed up at Nanowrimo yet go do it now. You'll have fun, just do it.

HAVE A SPOOKY HALLOWEEN!!!

Sunday breakfast leads to late night movie

2007-10-08T10:01:00.000-05:00

When my children were babies I had this idyllic picture of them sitting at the table doing homework;I helped them while I cooked. Many times over the years this dream has came true. Some days, like yesterday, there was almost too much of a good thing. A large Sunday breakfast is becoming a weekly staple for my family. My mom, sisters, and their families come over and we eat way to much. Then we play cards and eat more breakfast food in the afternoon.
Last night Lee was doing a book report and writing a movie. The movie is for his multi-media class, and is a real neat project. The book report was on The Slaughter House Five, which I haven't read but have had it on my to be read list. Jason was trying to find a project for the science fair. He decided on testing the strength of different bridge styles. We had to run to Guymon for supplies then come home and put them together. All in all it was a good day.
One of the supplies he needed was fishing line. Dh gave him a reel of it and we decided to take it off the reel and wind it on a dowel. In between these two stages we ended up with a large tangle of fishing line. It was already past Jason's bedtime so I sent him off and finished it myself. I popped Notting Hill into the vcr to watch while I worked. It was almost two in the morning before I finished. This morning Jason asked me if I could just bring up his materials around twelve thirty. I guess that long night could have been cut short. It was good I didn't put it off though. I am cooking for the rec. board today. The bread is rising, the chicken is boiling, and the pie crust is resting. Untangling fishing line is job for night time.
Notting Hill movie is one of my favorites. I couldn't even tell you how many times I have watched it. Some of the movies I watch over and over again have a certain part that makes the whole thing worth seeing again. This isn't one of those movies. I can't pick out the best part. Everything from this being one of the last movies Hugh Grant wore the floppy hair style in, to the witty banter endear it to me. I'm not sure I will get this next quote right, so forgive me. One of my favorite lines is "James Bond never has to put up with this sort of shit." This line isn't uttered by either of the leads, which makes it even better to me. It is said by Max. He and Bella have the best love story to me. The main story line is great, but the love between Max and Bella puts me in tears every time.
Enough about movies. I could go on all day, but that is surely getting tedious. I have a confession to make. I do judge books by their covers. I also judge wines by their name. It sounds like a dicey way to choose a new wine, but I have had just as much luck that way as I have had by doing research. I was with Fria Chica the other day and I said across the store, "hey I found one named after you, Sweet Bitch."
She replied "The one next to it is you." I looked and it was named Royal Bitch. I bought her namesake and we tried it that night. Since neither her nor my mom are drink much wine I still had half a bottle left this morning. I poured most of it into the chicken I am boiling for chicken and noodles, and am drinking the last glass right now. It is early for anyone but the serious drunks to be drinking, but it felt right to have one glass before I go in to have a nap.

Shop locally?

2007-10-05T14:53:00.001-05:00

I went to the lumber yard today to see how hard it would be to buy a piece of butcher block to cover an island. Impossible, obviously, to buy anything pre-made except cutting boards. Their advice was to make my own, which I have no intention of doing no matter how easy it is. As they gave their instructions on how to make butcher block they finished with "season it with vegetable oil". Then they again offered me the option of butcher block formica, they added that I would not be able to actually cut on it. They offered this even though I had made it clear my intent was to use this table as a cutting board.
I hope this is one of the few lumber yards in the country where a person as clueless as myself can exit feeling like they could rule the place. People do buy butcher block occasionally, I am certain of it. Just now I found the perfect piece online. I will not finish it with vegetable oil though because it can go rancid quite easily.

This is the second time this week I have been shocked by a local business. By local I mean in my county, the only store we have in town is a convenience store, a really good one.
My sons needed minutes added to their phones. I went into the phone company my children get their phones from. A girl I went to school with was behind the counter looking at the computer, another girl was standing next to her watching. I hadn't realized my old school friend was working there so we had a friendly conversation on how long she had been doing that. She looked back at the computer and pushed a few buttons.
It was obvious they were working on a problem and were worried about making me wait. To put them at ease I offered that I was in no hurry and to go ahead and finish. I addressed these remarks to my friend in an offhand manner and waited. When they were finished she coldly told the girl it was fixed and she could wait on me now. The look she shot me as she turned and walked, more of a sashay really, into one of the back offices clearly explained to me that she did not run a register, she was much more important than that. How is that for a compensating attitude?

The tomatoes and onions I bought from a local farm today are delicious. Not only that but the owner is always very knowledgeable about his produce. I offer up this up only to say that we have some very good local businesses here, but the other ones can really shove you to the Internet.

Wow, it is already October

2007-10-02T09:11:00.000-05:00

I'm listening to an electro mix of Smells Like Teen Spirit. Sitting here, it makes me want to listen to the original. However, I think if I were dancing it would be great. Who am I fooling, I haven't been out dancing in ages.
Last month, at the End Of Summer Bash, we had a dance on the outdoor basketball court. It was a beautiful night and we girls drank and danced all night. We completely embarrassed our children, and if we were to ponder on it too long maybe ourselves, that is why we are against examining the night in a completely sober temperament. Most of the music played that night was hip hop, new country, or rock. Lee and his friend kept requesting techno music and the d.j. kept putting them off and getting annoyed with them. This is more of a country and hip hop area so I doubt they had much else with them. They weren't the only two unsatisfied with the music.
A bus of senior citizens had come up for the dance. One older man, he looked about eighty-five, walked up to one of the rec. board members and said "Your music sucks". They were expecting a more classic style of country music. The board member noticed that they were all folding up their chairs, so he went to the d.j. and asked them to play five country songs in a row. The bus was loaded and they were gone by the third song.
One of the best parts about nights like this is that I can have fun with my sisters and friends while my boys hang out and have fun. Even if we don't say more than five words to each other the whole night we still drive home together. I look around and check on them periodically. What were they doing? Lane was dancing with his friends. Lee was sitting on playground equipment talking with his friends, and occasionally dancing. Jason was sitting on the steps of a small slide making out with a girl he had just met.
Sidenote: Having a teenage driver is great. He is the official d.d. on nights like this.
To mention something more current. My lack of exercise has really been showing up in the mirror lately. I used to walk five miles a day, but when the girls came to stay with us I suddenly couldn't find the time. They have been gone for several months now, but I just started back up two nights ago. I only walked two miles, not quite up to five yet. Last night I didn't walk. I played tennis with Fria chica. Before her baby was born we were playing almost every night. We haven't really started playing regularly yet and he is three months old. Today my muscle are sore. That is okay though, because I am all alone. I wonder if being alone will always be so great, or if it only is now because it is a novelty. I won't find out anytime soon. Miss Universe is bringing Huggy Bear over in a few minutes. M.U. has to take Ed to the dentist, so I am babysitting.

Blogger play and work

2007-09-26T11:45:00.000-05:00

Blogger play is addicting. I almost didn't post because I have wasted too much time watching it. It is a distilled version of what I like about reading blogs. If books and movies are a journey into the lives of others, blogs are a snapshot. Blogger play is then just a quick glance into what other people are doing, seeing, and eating. One person was growing cilantro and another was growing pot. Some people are living lives that look very much like mine, others are so exotic. When I am on a road trip I sometimes notice all of the other people in cars around me. I wonder where they are going, if they are coming from somewhere happy or sad. Blogger play is like that, just one moment in someone else's life on display for me.

I have been going through a bit of a funk lately. Statistically my life looks to be on track. finally I have grown up and got a real job, with health benefits and a saving plan. Way inside my head though, not voiced to anyone else is the real thought. The fear that now I have chosen a path that is not mine. My job is great, fun even. I love the people I work with, they remembered my birthday and baked me a cake, it is that kind of a place to work. I think the problem my brain is having is that I have a retirement plan, and it is assumed I will still be there in thirty years. Is this what I want to do when I grow up? Finally, to appease myself, I gave myself permission to quit. Not today, just someday if I really find something I would rather be doing. This current job is my back up plan, in case I never find a band of gypsies to join up with.

2007-09-21T12:55:00.000-05:00

Everywhere you look in my house you will see bugs. They are all at different levels of being captured, killed, and pinned to a board. At our high school sophomore is the bug collection year, so Lee has been collecting them for the past few months. It is really gross. I open my freezer and see bugs, on my table they are in jars and under upturned glasses, there is a shoe box of dried bugs in my living room, I can't wait for this project to be over.
I am not really an animal person so it was a shock to everyone, even me, when I decided we needed to get two puppies. A friend was giving some away and I, for some unexplainable reason, really wanted one. When we went to pick him up he was playing with his siblings and I felt really guilty taking him to my back yard were he would have to spend some days all alone. Lane and picked out another one and we brought them both home.
Some days I think about bringing them in and letting them spend time with us in the house, but I quickly shake that feeling off. A lady once said to me that she always let her pets in the house because she wanted them to be part of the family. My spoken reason for keeping them as outdoor pets is that my allergies just can't take indoor pets, which is true. Deep down I know that even without allergies I wouldn't want to have them indoors. Personally, I like to think of our pets more as close neighbors than as family members.

It has been over a month

2007-08-30T09:38:00.000-05:00

You may notice that by now it has been two months. I started this post August and never came back to it.

My life seems to be settling into a routine. The two weeks of training that came with my new are over. The first week was in Wichita. They would have paid for me to stay in a hotel for a week, but instead I took Lee and Lane with me and we stayed with Drama Queen. Jason stayed home for weightlifting and football practice, at thirteen he is all about sports.
Drama queen arranged to work almost every night we were there. She is saving up for a car and a few nights to work without having to pay a babysitter were a help. We had an enjoyable week. I was afraid the small, two bedroom apartment would start to feel crowded after a couple of days, but it really didn't. The six of us seemed to all be able to find enough space. On one of the last nights we were there Drama Queen didn't work. She sat outside on the balcony, drank a few beers, smoked plenty of cigs, and listened to music. At one point she came in to replenish her supplies and started laughing at us. Lane, Lee, and I all had a book light hooked onto our books and were laying around reading. I heard her boyfriend show up as I was drifting off to sleep. They either kept the noise level down or I was extremely tired, because I slept soundly all night. I wasn't annoyed at all until I went to get my yogurt out of the fridge for breakfast only to find it had been set out to make room for beer. The most annoying part was that they could have just shoved it onto another shelf, there was room. Or maybe they were just trying to help me overcome my yogurt addiction. I had to pause in the typing of that sentence to go grab a peach yogurt.
Two evenings Lane and the girls talked me into taking them to the apartment swimming pool. I love to swim so the first night they didn't have to talk very hard, but the second night I could remember how bad the pool water tasted and smelled. It really tasted like ass. Lane's eyes burned for a couple of hours after swimming the night before, but I took them anyway. After that second night I found other things to do. The day after we were back home that same murky pool was in the news. A five year old boy had drowned, and the poor water quality was being blamed. The little boy was at the bottom of the deep end and because of lack of visibility it took them five minutes to find his body.
My next week of training was in Liberal. Again they offered to put me up in a hotel, but it is just a forty-five minute drive. I picked up Islands in the Stream on cd for the driving time. While I enjoyed my training, I am glad it is over so my life can start to develop some sort of rythym.